Husband won't let my parents visit

[flipperlipper]

I had a relationship crisis before Christmas; I moved out of the family home with the kids and my parents came over to support me. Things got very heated, with my parents and husband falling out, and at one point my mum calling the police on my husband (at my instruction- he was being very aggressive).

We have now worked things out and are back together. Things have been going well but at relationship counselling today husband says he can’t forgive my parents and doesn’t want them in our house (they live a flight away so this would mean they wouldn’t visit any more). He was shaking talking about it so he clearly feels strongly. I feel totally devastated. My husband and parents are both very important to me, and have very different versions of some of the events (I wasn’t there for some of these events, and both parties are frustrated that I’m staying on the fence). I just want to change his mind and move on from this (my mum is upset too but willing to move on from it), but realise we can’t change how anyone else thinks. I just wanted to get it off the chest rather than just sitting here crying.

Anyone with similar experiences or advice on how to approach this?

Your response is written from a place and position of fear hence your stance now, it does you no favours at all.

You are staying with this man for your own reasons. What are you getting out of this relationship now

Fear of him, fear of the unknown and the sunk cost fallacy are three f many reasons why people stay with their abuser. Your own boundaries are messed up and will remain
messed up as long as you and he are at all together

The joint counselling sessions should cease immediately. It is of no worth whatsoever to do such with an abuser.

It’s never right for children to be brought up with an abuser. Never. There are literally no grey areas when it comes to that.

I’m not blaming or shaming you. Just asking you not to fall into the trap of thinking you’re doing what’s best for those children.

Because you have a choice about where you live and with whom. They don’t. So they’ll be forced to live with a dangerous, abusive man and can’t do anything about it.

Unless it escalates of course, in which case they will potentially be taken into care. And that’s not exactly great for them either.

Just please, please don’t feel like staying is your only option.

Op, ok, why do you need to wait until the next counselling session to bring this up? Why can’t you just do it? What would happen if you did?

I have some advice on how to approach it but I have a feeling you wouldn't like it

Comments like this stops people coming back to the thread. It pisses me off. This lady is obviously in an abusive relationship and needs to leave but do you really think that hat being arsey to her helps her leave? I can tell you from experience it doesn’t. It just makes you want to stop asking for advice.

There is a difference between being honest and giving advice than being just a cunt and shaming someone one just because they are not standing in front of you.

Do you think women’s aid speak to ladies like that when they phone up for advice and help?, no fucker would ever ring back!

I understand why you feel offended by the the 'shame on you' post but I think the poster meant well and is probably just trying to shockk you out of the 'FOG'

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here from you people as their parents

You have a choice here re him and they do not

Oh God I've just read your thread from November.

WHY are you back with him?!

Even his father is scared of his own son.

You KNOW you are messing up here. I don't care if tghis comes across harshly - you know what people are saying on here is RIGHT and you are on the defensive for exactly that reason. And picking up on the few, few posts which try and minimise his behaviour.

You said on your other thread you are financially independent. You have support from both you and his parents because they know what he's like.

This is really about your children now, isn't it? The anxiety coming through in your other thread made MY heart beat faster. Christ, do you want to drop dead of a bloody heart attack in a few years and end up leaving your poor kids with this horrible man full time? I wouldn't be at all suprised if that happened.

The bottom line is here that this is not about relationship difficulties, it's about a horrible abusive man. You got away from him, and he's now busy through a counsellor (who should really be seeing this more clearly) working hard to isolate you from the people who exposed him last time.

You need to protect your children from further damage, stress and potential violence by leaving him, you really really do. I am sorry.

When it comes to abuse it is only black and white.

What was the “one sticking point”?

Nobody is trying to shame you
The facts are black and white
You are living with your children in a toxic abusive environment. No child should have to go through this, it could damage them for life.
Unfortunately I speak from experience.

Flipper I’d advise against the joint counselling for now and go for individual counselling. He sounds like he needs it any way. There is no point in trying to fix your marriage whilst he has other on going issues like anger, depression etc..

Also counselling for yourself might enable you look at your own feelings in regards to his behaviour and how you feel about your own self esteem.

Don’t lose contact with your parents and don’t give in if he makes you choose.

Always always always make sure your children are shielded from this. If his temper or voice is rising take them out of the house this will be frightening for them too even if they don’t show it

First he is aggressive, then he wont let your parents visit, next it will be your friends cant visit, then you cant go out alone. Or you will be timed when you do go out. Told what to wear etc, he is a controlling person and he wont change.

Been there, get out of the relationship and stay out of it.

Having a shove partner isn’t good for your kids. Don’t stay with him under the misguided attempt to ‘keep the family together’. Your kids will be miserable and resentful.

*an abusive partner NOT shove

Posters can sometimes react badly to these OP because they were the children involved

Put your kids first not him

You're not doing what's right for your children though are you. You're working towards staying in an abusive relationship. The reason social services remove children from abusive households is because of the devastating effect it has on them, whether they are being hit or not. Living with an abuser means that the household is abusive and staying with an abuser means that you are condoning the abuse.

I'm not holding your hand and patting you on the back in order to enable you to live with an abuser and destroy your children's mental health.

Strangers on the internet are advocating for your children's well being OP - open your eyes and wake up.

You need to stop seeing a couple's therapist as you shouldn't be having counselling with an abuser and you should report the counsellor for continuing the sessions. You need to start taking steps to remove yourself and your children from the perpetrator.

And yes, someone on a DV advice line would be advising you to do the same thing because the welfare of the children is a priority, not some delusional gushing about how nice he was when you first started seeing him. That person doesn't exist OP - start putting your children first.

Your thread from November is terrible OP. He’s been terrorising you and the kids, abusing your mother. The police have been called. YOU moved out for over 3 weeks when YOU PAY FOR EVERYTHING.

You said you were looking into the freedom Programme, and talking to a solicitor.

Sounds like 4 months later, not much has changed.

I read your own thread too you need to escape or he will crush you completely, and the children

Please get out, OP, I say this for your sake. There is nothing to weigh up about what's best for the children - it's an abusive relationship for them too. And abusers are able to mask their true nature long enough to suck the victims back in. I hope you can find the strength to escape.

Why are you with him????? Your poor parents and your poor children. what you doing to do next time he gets aggressive? There will be a next time, and another time...until he either kills you or hurts you or you leave. Be brave op for your children and leave him. You not worked out anything as he still controlling you...huge red flag

He was shaking talking about it so he clearly feels strongly.

Even now beyond the arguments, in a safe environment, he cannot control his feelings. He is one argument away from being aggressive again. That is really concerning. Both of you need separate counselling for very different reasons - he needs anger management counselling urgently to explore why the situation escalated so seriously the police were required, you wont get that in a relationship counselling. You need counselling to explore why you have accepted his behaviour and are even considering his demands which will isolate you from your parents who did no wrong.

Make it clear to him that while he might need a couple of weeks to process this, it is a deal breaker for you, he needs to apologise to your parents for his appalling behaviour and welcome then back into your home. Set a time limit and keep it. If he cant apologise nothing is resolved and you are wasting time with this man.

I haven’t read your other thread, but from just reading this one, I’m not understanding what his problem is.

What is it he’s so angry with your parents for? Has he actually articulated it? He has children himself, does he not think if they asked for his help in the future he would be there for them? I assume he’s one of these “if anyone laid a finger on my kid I’d kill them” type men, and yet he can’t see why your parents would want to protect you, their daughter?

I honestly can’t see how the joint counselling can possibly be doing you any good. All it does is give him another platform to air his views about everything you’ve done wrong, but do you actually get any right of reply in a safe space? Probably not.

Eventually you will have to accept that this relationship isn’t sustainable. It’s not good for you or your children to live like this. Why would you put yourself through it, when you’ve obviously got supportive parents and in-laws who would be there for you and totally understand why you left him.

You're asking us how you can stop an abusive man abusing you. There's only one way. It doesn't involve therapy and it won't involve anything you can say. It's not that there is just a string of words you need to use and then he'll get it. We often think 'if only I could say it in a way he understands'. Nah. We teach children how to be reasonable, if adults don't know how to be reasonable with us we move away.

Op what was the relationship crisis that meant you wanted to leave the family home?

Flipper I’ve just read your other thread. Please go back and read it.

Yesterday I found an abusive note nailed to the bedroom wall left for my mum. I called him out on it and he was unrepentant. Then he sent me a link to a song about how terrible my mum is

You know this isn’t normal. Your little four year old was hysterical at one point. Please ring women’s aid and go for counselling yourself. Don’t bother paying for any of his or joint sessions.

Leave the house they can be dealt with after Move in with your parents. You need a fresh start.