Husband won't let my parents visit

[flipperlipper]

I had a relationship crisis before Christmas; I moved out of the family home with the kids and my parents came over to support me. Things got very heated, with my parents and husband falling out, and at one point my mum calling the police on my husband (at my instruction- he was being very aggressive).

We have now worked things out and are back together. Things have been going well but at relationship counselling today husband says he can’t forgive my parents and doesn’t want them in our house (they live a flight away so this would mean they wouldn’t visit any more). He was shaking talking about it so he clearly feels strongly. I feel totally devastated. My husband and parents are both very important to me, and have very different versions of some of the events (I wasn’t there for some of these events, and both parties are frustrated that I’m staying on the fence). I just want to change his mind and move on from this (my mum is upset too but willing to move on from it), but realise we can’t change how anyone else thinks. I just wanted to get it off the chest rather than just sitting here crying.

Anyone with similar experiences or advice on how to approach this?

www.womenshealth.gov/relationships-and-safety/domestic-violence/effects-domestic-violence-children

@FizzyGreenWater upthread gives very sound advice.

I am almost always in the ‘give your marriage a go’ camp — but if you are not confident about your safety and the safety of your children, there is no choice but to leave.

Leaving will be a nightmare for sure, but staying will be worse. Nobody is all bad, despite your husband’s aggression, he will have good things about them. You can acknowledge the good things, but you still need to leave to protect yourself and your children from the rest of his behaviour.

Of course he will try and undermine the relationship you have with your parents — they are your escape route.

All strength to you.

I grew up in an abusive household

It's horrific. It gave me such mental health issues that I tried to take my life over 60 tines.

You might think you are doing the right thing. But think of yours children

He was so abusive you called the police. Seeing your mother being screamed at. Is something you never forget. Seeing someone constantly annoyed. So every little thing could top the balance. Is something you never forget. Hearing your mother scream as he blocks her in and knowing what's coming. Is something you never forget

You might think you are doing the right thing. But after growing up in an abusive household. It's something you never forget. It shaped me as a human indefinitely. It gave me my mental health problems.

You need to rethink this. You really do

If your child was going through this? Where they had a partner so volatile. That they called the police. What would your advice be?

Stay with him. Don't say anything to push him Ofer the edge. Go to therapy and that they NEVER have you in their house again?

You cannot tell me as a mother that would be your advice?

I am so sorry Falcor40 that you have suffered so deeply. I hope that you will find some peace x

The reason why he won't let your parents visit is because he is an abuser.
He will not/cannot change...you think he will change...he will not change
and joint Counselling with your abuser is just another form of abuse.
Your children will suffer more than you because of this situation.

What’s his relationship history OP?

Does he have form? What concerns me is his own Dad telling you to call the police at a time (from your post at least) that looked unwarranted (unless he knew his past history).

This is a sad thread. Your parents must be going out of their judgement with worry for you and your kids at the hands of this abusive man. I feel very sorry for them.

but things aren't always back and white

And sometimes they are.
Is this the future you want for your children OP? When this is happening to them, either being perpetrated by, or on the receiving end of, what will you say then?

Because I'm extremely conflict avoidant, always have been
Which he will be well aware of. He knows he can dictate this and you'll accept it. Again, if you don't care about yourself, is it best for your children?

His game is strong OP. Isolate you so you are less likely and less able to reach out when it happens again

I wish people would stop berating the OP. It takes on average seven attempts to leave an abusive relationship.

OP, if you’re still reading, I have read your other thread. His behaviour at that time was very bad but it sounds like he has taken responsibility for it to some extent. I would challenge him to explain why he doesn’t want your parents in your home if he fully acknowledges that he was in the wrong at the time? Can he not see that your parents were responding to his bad behaviour? In fact I would go as far as to say that he owes them an apology.

OP, I sincerely hope you haven’t come back because you’re busy getting things in place to protect your children like they deserve.

You are so lucky. You are financially dependant, and have supportive parents. Use this to your advantage, and make your life abuse free

OMG, I just read the other thread. You must be fucking terrified all the time. Please go see a shot hot lawyer about an occupation order on the house. Put it up for sale.

I wonder if you stop giving him money, maybe he'll do you a favour and leave. Because it seems from reading that he I getting free house, no bills, no work, free money. Its called cock-lodging.

Why would he leave when he has a gravy train like that. Don't you ever wonder if he likes you of the free ride.?
With not test it out for a few months?

In your previous thread, you were realistic and facing up to him being abusive and looking to leave. What happened in the last few months? What's he done to you to make you almost defensive of his horrid abuse? When in Nov you could see it. What changed in that time?

With regards to him banning your mum, well she has said she is willing to put it aside, not because she likes him, she likely loathes him. But because she is putting you and the kids and your safety first.
Above her own emotional needs. Above her wish to have nothing to do with an aggressive abusive man.

Whereas he is putting his own wishes first. Not what is best for you or your children. He doesn't have your interest at heart at all.

So why are you considering trying to stay neutral? Your parents must be so hurt.

I really hope you can open your eyes. I hope you keep your parents round.
I hope you escape him.
Best of luck in the future OP. Now cut off that gravy train.

Gah, so many spelling mistakes! Also, if you stop giving him money and start spending it on childcare he has no excuse not to work. And the kids won't have to spend each afternoon with an aggressive abusive man without you there to protect them.

And you'll have no spare money to give him. Win win .

OP I suppose you won't be returning to this thread as you are still in denial and flogging a dead horse.
I've read your other thread. It must have been fucking terrifying for you and you poor kids as well. Please read it again. Why would you stay with this monster is beyond me...Imo the way he has behaved is unforgivable.
Keep safe.

Don't let this man isolate you from your family. If he was truly sorry he would be begging your mum for forgiveness, not banning her from your home. He has no right to say who can visit you or not. He is an abuser and he does not want you to have support.

You are not listening OP.
He wants your parents out of there, because they have seen him without his mask on.
He is playing a game to control you, he is also no longer pulling his weight, What about saying that it's actually you who is the main provider, & that you will invite your parents into your home if you wish.He does not get to decide, if he can't apologize to them & show them he is trying to change, then he can leave.
Come on. you won't be happy isolated from your family. This is his goal.

From your last thread:
"The therapist told him to leave as he wasn't ready for therapy and the aggressive behaviour was unhelpful. After he left she said he had no empathy for me and the behaviour she observed was 'not ok' in a relationship."

My ExH was an absolute emotionally abusive shit, but not a single one of the highly qualified therapists we saw ever said or did that.

I think you are in more trouble than you are prepared to admit.

OP what would happen if you calmly said 'OK, I hear your views, so you can leave the house WHEN they next visit" ...

What would happen then?

FWIW I think you are in an abusive marriage. You would be crazy to let him isolate you from your parents

"Oh and my mum met my father in law yesterday who said even he is scared of his own son, so I know it's not just me" ...

Oh, OP. You poor thing.

He was shaking talking about it so he clearly feels strongly.

No, he was angry as you and your parents disobeyed him.

Please don't drive your Parents away. The next time you need them they might not be there. It feels like you make these posts as a cry for help, but until you leave him all it can be is a form of escapism from your DH. I'm surprised he's not monitoring your social media.

You can’t change his mind he doesn’t want to see your parents or you to see your parents.
The reason he was shaking at counselling is because he is not getting his own way and he is trying to make you feel sorry for him .
However no matter what anybody says on this thread you will not believe him you are happy to be in a relationship with an aggressive controlling freak and I putting both yourself and your DC At risk.
Nobody is going to agree that you have done the right thing by going back to him but you can’t or don’t want to see this . Your parents are prepared to put this behind them as they know he wants to isolate you and it is the only way that they can keep in contact with you is going along with it.
You will stay with him regardless of what anybody says and will put him first.
I wish you luck you are certainly going to need it and I have no doubt you will be back on the street asking for advice very soon