Husband won't let my parents visit

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I had a relationship crisis before Christmas; I moved out of the family home with the kids and my parents came over to support me. Things got very heated, with my parents and husband falling out, and at one point my mum calling the police on my husband (at my instruction- he was being very aggressive).

We have now worked things out and are back together. Things have been going well but at relationship counselling today husband says he can’t forgive my parents and doesn’t want them in our house (they live a flight away so this would mean they wouldn’t visit any more). He was shaking talking about it so he clearly feels strongly. I feel totally devastated. My husband and parents are both very important to me, and have very different versions of some of the events (I wasn’t there for some of these events, and both parties are frustrated that I’m staying on the fence). I just want to change his mind and move on from this (my mum is upset too but willing to move on from it), but realise we can’t change how anyone else thinks. I just wanted to get it off the chest rather than just sitting here crying.

Anyone with similar experiences or advice on how to approach this?

OP I've looked at your previous post and it seems as though your husband is abusive and your couple's counsellor told you this. She said he was aggressive, had no empathy and his behaviour was not ok. I'm surprised she continued to work with you both as she actually asked him to leave the session.

You said your parents have always been very supportive of him and he's unwilling to take responsibility for this behaviour and is blaming them.

What do you want OP? He's abusive and is trying to isolate you from your support system, using this incident to keep your parents away. He has never taken responsibility for his behaviour and never will.

The loving version of him that's lost, never existed OP. This is it now. I suggest you contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline and get some support to leave: 0808 2000 247

Why are you with him still?

In his mind he is the boss, the highest ranking person, when your parents called the police they challenged and undermined what he views as his rightful authority, that's why he has to get rid of them, he will not tolerate any challenges to his authority

Under the circumstances, I can understand why your husband feels so strongly about this. There is some very bad history between him and your parents (for whatever reason – no judgement from me as you’ve had enough from others!), and it’s obvious from his reaction during the counselling that he would find it incredibly difficult to spend time with them at all, let alone sharing space with them in his (and your) house.

If I felt like that about anyone, I wouldn’t want them being guests in my own house! (even if I was in the wrong) They don’t have a ‘right’ to stay with you or even visit your home.

If I were them, I wouldn't want to stay at your house and have to spend time with your husband. I cannot imagine anything worse than trying to 'rub along' with someone who has such a past history with you and your daughter. I would want to see my daughter as much as possible, but on neutral territory.

The obvious answer is for you to find somewhere nearby for them to stay, perhaps a hotel/B&B/friend. Depending on your/their finances, their health and the length of their stay, I’m sure something can be worked out to enable them to be very comfortable and looked after, and for you to spend as much time with them as possible.

Ah ok ignore, just seen the link it’s abuse, physical intimidation and mental illness.

I’m also surprised you’re back with him op and considering cutting your parents out on his request.

Surely they didn't do anything more than defend their daughter? Why exactly is he so angry with them?

If he was genuinely contrite he would have apologised to your parents and be trying to prove to them that he has changed in addition to proving it to you.

He is trying to isolate you from your support network, he is a classic abuser and won't change.

Please for your own safety and the safety of your children, get rid.

Thanks everyone for your thoughts. I will bring up these issues at our next session (eg re me being isolated from them), and I'm sure it's partly embarrassment that they saw him behave badly: ill also reiterate that I called the police, I kicked him out, not my parents. I understand people's exasperation with me, but things aren't always back and white.

So you feel responsible for his feelings, and not upsetting him?

OP, he's an adult. It's not up to him who you see, whether your kids see their grandchildren. I've had fall outs with in laws in the past - I wouldn't in a million years dream of forbidding my partner or kids from seeing said in laws because I am not the controller of their lives. Abusers often present as victims. It's just another method of manipulation. I am presuming you've read up on coercive control.

Abusive relationships often leave women isolated from the very people they need to support them.

I'm sorry, and I'm not being exasperated, I know very well how hard it is to leave. I can fully, fully understand all the reasons that you are staying. I can feel that queasy feeling in the pit of my stomach.

But this doesn't sound healthy, from what you've said. For you or your children, or your poor parents.

If he truly was he would want to apologise and move on with your parents.

The fact that he isnt means he is paying lip service to you and hasnt changed at all

Truthfully you need to tell him its you and your parents or none of you. He needs to own what he did

Thanks Letitgitoruin I can certainly do all of that. Things may settle in time

If he was genuinely contrite he would have apologised to your parents and be trying to prove to them that he has changed in addition to proving it to you

This. The fact he’s carrying on his old abusive ways, just tweaked, tells you all you need to know.

Why are you back with him? Have you read your old thread? What about your children? Your parents must be terrified for you.

He's not banned me and kids from seeing them, just said he doesn't want them at our house at the moment

and why cant you bring them up outside of the session

this is a big red flag OP that nothing has changed accept he is isolating you even more

Because I'm extremely conflict avoidant, always have been

OP your thread title says that your DH wont let your parents visit but your first post says that he doesn't want them in the house. I realise that both of these are difficult but they are a bit different.

If he is saying that he would be uncomfortable if they came then that can be discussed and worked through.

If he is saying that he will not agree to them staying in your home then that is much more difficult and is in effect forcing you to make a choice.

What would his attitude be if you were to say that having your parents to visit is something that you want and that you will not agree to telling them that they can't come. I think his reaction might be helpful in making your mind up about what to do in this situation.

He's trying to isolate you. I dont normally say this, but you should really reconsider your relationship. It's been abusive, it is abusive and will always be abusive. Please gather courage and think of yourself.

things aren't always back and white

This may be true in some situations, but where multiple people are pointing out that you are in an abusive relationship, with an abusive and violent man, things ARE black and white.

You should leave before he managed to isolate you from everyone. Don’t be surprised when it happens.

Who died and made him boss? It's your and your dcs house too, you can invite who you want round. If he doesn't like it then he can move out whilst they visit.

He's not banned me and kids from seeing them, just said he doesn't want them at our house at the moment

You said in your OP this meant they wouldn't visit anymore due to the distance. What he's doing it trying to make them the bad guys by not visiting.

He isn't going to change. And you know what? He should be embarrassed and he should be trying to make that right.

Oh OP this is so sad. He clearly has the power back now and is isolating and taking you away even more. You are so scared you cant raise things outside of a councilling session and he just doesnt care

It sounds like this is even more abusive than before

Well I can see why your parents are so frustrated, but your husband is a twat and has no right to be annoyed at them.

* ). I just want to change his mind and move on from this (my mum is upset too but willing to move on from it),*

Well that’s fine and dandy but we are talking a few weeks ago that this situation was resolved and you’re wanting everything back to normal.

Not. Going. To. Happen. At least not for an extended period of time. You need to be patient

I can understand why your husband feels so strongly about this. There is some very bad history between him and your parents

Eh what? The parents have done nothing wrong apart from try to support their daughter and grandkids, even the counsellor has told her he’s abusive, How can you say you understand his behaviour?

How did the counsellor respond when your DH said all this? Relationship counselling isn't recommended with someone who is abusive and if your counsellor facilitated or supported your DH in any way, then I think you should reconsider attending joint counselling.
Trying to cut you off from family support is abusive behaviour. It doesn't seem as though he's changed. Sorry