Having a wobble that I’ve stopped H having contact with daughter.

[Fightingback16]

I’m having a massive wobble about my decision to stop my H seeing his daughter.
I’ve let contact carry on months after leaving the house as my H threatened my life in an argument in front of dd who was screaming. He told me to get out (of our joint house) before he does something he will regret. I left with her and haven’t gone back. But I let him have access.
I didn’t realise at the time but after counselling I realised that I had been abused for over 12 years. It’s turned my life upside down. Anyway, whilst the contact carried on with me being unaware how controlled I was still being lots of things happened I couldn’t explain. Daughter always came back to me sick. I’d end up taking time off work to stay with her, it started to be every week, she’d be sick in the night after spending the day with him. She was dirty, hair not brushed etc. He had an addiction to weed. She was left like I wild animal running around eating however she wanted off the floor. He would buy her ridiculous amounts of toys that she always brought back to me. I couldn’t get him to fix contact times, he’d bring her back whenever he’d had enough (his words) I don’t know if I was coming or going. I bought he parent wizard app, he wouldn’t download it. If he wanted a different day he’d shout and swear at me until I backed down. I couldn’t speak at hand overs as he’d jump down my throat. He started turning up 5 mins before her bedtime wanting to see her for 5 mins. She then wouldn’t settle to sleep, she is 4. It was starting to effect my health, still is really, so I made the decision to stop contact. Then I realised I was being abused. I tired to get visits supervised but he wouldn’t agree to anything, never turned up to times I suggested, wouldn’t suggest any of his own, so I said that I’m not trying anymore. It’s up to him to apply for a court order. He then got very strange, turned up crying to where I’m staying, turned up shouting and swearing, banging, wrote me apologies, tried every tactic even tho he has been asked 3 times by solicitor to not contact me. I’m applying for a non-mol at the moment.

But I’m starting to wonder whether I’ve done enough to encourage there relationship. Or whether I’m just feeling pressured because he doesn’t like that I won’t let him control me though our daughter anymore. It’s so hard to see the wood for the trees. I don’t want to ruin her relationship as it’s a massive decision or get in trouble but I don’t know what I can do. I’m always telling her that daddy loves her because she asks about her. Am I being unreasonable?

No, absolutely not...you've been more than accommodating. I am in same/similar situation having denied x access to DS due to safeguarding issues.

I feel absolutely terrible. I couldn’t imagine someone stopping me from seeing her.
I simply can’t take it anymore.

What is she getting from having a relationship with a man like that?

You don't have to imagine someone stopping you seeing her because you're not likely to ruin her life through neglect and abuse, he is.

Stop thinking about his feelings, if he'd ever considered your daughters then he wouldn't be in this position

You can't imagine someone stopping you from seeing her because you're a good person and a good parent.

It's shocking to realise that your ex is a shit parent....but he is. He's not safe for her...he's neglecting her.

You now need to look into getting a restraining order against him and setting something up legally so that if you died (God forbid) he would not get custody.

Next time you feel shit, imagine the conversation with a social worker, where you have to explain what it is that caused you to send your DD to a place where she was not looked after and was at risk of abuse. What would you say to convince the SW that you not wanting to feel bad was more important than the risk to her?

Because if it goes tits up you may well have that conversation. Reality really is your friend right now, this is a wobble.

Every woman who escapes abuse has wobbles, you're having one. It will pass.

He isn't a good parent and he probably isn't interested in DD only in controlling you...

Stop wobbling!

All you have done is ask him to get a court order for fixed contact, you haven't stopped contact he is the one that has done that.

Text book abusers behaviour around contact!

I completely understand how you feel, I’ve done the same with my ex but I did suggest contact centres. I also applied for a child arrangement order but listed my safety concerns so that he can’t keep hanging court over my head.

You’re doing what’s best for your daughter, at the end of the day if you don’t look out for her then who will. So long as her best interests are at the forefront of your mind you can’t really go wrong.

I'd say your doing what I wished my mum had done 40 years ago!
Work on yourself and dd's mental recovery from the abuse,

What is she getting...... I really don’t know. Lots of toys, a physical father. She loves him and wants to see him but she is only little and I suspect it’s because of the toys and being able to do what she liked. He wouldn’t do any naught step or anything. He just said to me I’m not ruining my time with her telling her No to anything because you wanted to split up my family. I’m worried she will get so confused on top of everything else. Obviously safely issues are the most important.

I’m getting a lot of work done on myself. I know I have a lot of programming that I’m still not fully aware of. I’m not sure sometimes whether I’m doing for myself or him still.

You are keeping her safe by stopping unsupervised contact

Physically and emotionally safer

So he isn't providing boundaries because it ruins his time, he isn't parenting because of his wants, the toys are to impress you, that's why he brings them to yours.
Also he won't discipline her with the naughty step?but you know he is capable of screaming, shouting and threatening, he will do it to her at some point.

Do not engage with him. It is textbook abuser shit, honestly. If he wanted to see her, he would be.

She will get over it.

I went through this when mine was four. My only regret was not doing it a year sooner when social services first advised me to think towards stopping contact. They were there for me when I did stop contact. Women's Aid were also priceless, I accepted any and all support that was going, to get through it. You can do this.

I’m not sure sometimes whether I’m doing for myself or him still

So err on the side of caution, because you do sound like your thinking with the program he set you to.

He will still be her dad in a year, put it to the back of your mind and if in a year things have changed, have a review.
Don't risk it because it feels shit when DD asks after him, she'd feel even worse if she understood the truth, which is that he isn't bothered unless you're part of the deal.

You have absolutely done the right thing here. Well done for taking the steps to protect your daughter. Keep to no contact and if he does take you to court (which is doubtful) then cross that bridge then.
If she is coming back ill and dirty then he has been neglecting her. I know it's hard, I've been there myself but eventually managed to sort supervised contact until ex sorted his life out, which took years.
You are doing the best for your daughter here, keep doing it. Stay strong and good luck xx

I’ve managed to get myself in a bit of a state going over and over scenarios in my head. I’ve been running on adrenaline the past week and it’s run out and I’ve crashed. Whenever this happpens for some reason I resort to trying to take the blame. My brain is tired of trying to figure out the best thing to do and I can’t stop trying to punish myself. I guess I’m so used to taking the blame that I’m fighting against it and it’s tiring!

And she asks me about daddy all the time. It’s heartbreaking and yes the truth is heartbreaking, everything at the moment is heart breaking!

That's years of being programmed to take the blame and feel sorry for him when he has fucked up so you forgive it, it is hard but you didn't force him to do any of this, you don't need to figure anything out except how to occupy yourself because it is bloody exhausting breaking a cycle of abuse.

For all those years you needed to have him at the centre of your focus to try and avoid the kick offs, it will take time to change that belief that he is so very important, it will happen if you let it. But it is hard not to cave in and do the 'nice' thing, except it isn't a 'nice' thing, it's the victim wanting to placate the abuser in case the abuser does some abusive shit, it's a habit.

Your brain is not your best friend at the moment, keep reminding yourself that this is the best thing a mum can do and when your brain tells you otherwise try and ignore it because your brain is still catching up with your decision.

It gets thrown about a lot on Mumsnet but you are crying out for the freedom program, google it if you haven't heard of it.

You're expected to feel heartbroken and despondent at times and it will pass, but never act or make any decision when you feel like this.

I suspect you're focusing too much on your daughters feelings, 4 year olds live in the moment so keep her busy. If she was sad because you wouldn't let her eat chocolate at every meal you wouldn't give in, you're protecting her from a man who doesn't care enough to not neglect her or abuse her mum when she's in the house, her being sad doesn't negate the very real risk he poses to her welfare, stability and happiness.

Thank you for putting words down that explain exactly how I feel but couldn’t grasp. I’m at absolute odds with my brain. You are right it is not my friend at the moment at all. I’ve got chronic fatigue from the years of abuse and my brain just can’t stop me from triggering it, bloody brain.
I’m half way through the freedom programme. That is what made me really understand I was abused. Only thing is that opened up a whole can of worms my brain has no tools to decipher. I simply cannot comprehend what the hell happened to me, who I am, what world I’m in, what danger I’ve been in and not realised. That on top of making all these big decisions is breaking my brain!

Do you think that's why you're having a wobble?
It's a lot to take on board, it leaves you feeling weak and messy and vulnerable and at that point your brain starts trying to convince you not to deal with it, because it's easier not to, It's easier to tell yourself you're making an awful mistake and should re-establish contact.
You have to keep on top of telling your brain to shut up, sadly.

You have to keep getting up every day even if you've been up till 6am obsessing and that doesn't help, I ended up seeing a GP for sleeping tablets at one point just to get back into the routine of being asleep at night.

When I did the Freedom program I had a similar experience, I hated myself for a while and stopped doing it for a bit because I was thinking 'well I'm fucked, I can't even think for myself, whats the point, how is this gonna help', but it does help. Eventually.

I found that my brain 'split'after doing it, half was sensible and the other half....I still have moments where I have to tell the other half to shut up and I'm nearly Two years out, it doesn't happen often but it is a process to deal with it properly, every wobble that you get through is another one down though.

I used Mumsnet in the same way junkies use heroin during the wobbles, there was always someone up and it took a while to understand and accept what 'normal' was to other women.

It takes fairly big balls to stick to your guns when you know you should but you don't really want to, but it's worth it when you have the 'strong empowered woman' moments and realise you did the right thing.

That’s exactly what I’m doing. It’s not the first wobble and each time I’ve broken my brain I start trying to find a way out which usually involves me trying to blame myself. But there is an equal part of me that doesn’t want to take the blame because I’ve done nothing wrong. It’s tearing me in half. I was easier just believing it was me, but I can’t anymore. I can’t live in the present and in the part at the same time, it’s impossible. Something has to give at some point and I hope I don’t just go mad! So far I’ve kept to the advice I’ve been given but it’s so hard.

I’ve been to the gp who wouldn’t offer any meds (to be honest I’ve tried pretty much everything anyway but hate having something in my body which takes my control away) They said I can’t have two therapies at the same time. I need to work through the freedom programme then I can start something else. She said the only way out is through unfortunately.

I did exactly the same for the same reasons. My son told me when he was grown up he will be eternally grateful I stopped the visits as they were awful and he was scared of his father.