Having a wobble that I’ve stopped H having contact with daughter.

[Fightingback16]

I’m having a massive wobble about my decision to stop my H seeing his daughter.
I’ve let contact carry on months after leaving the house as my H threatened my life in an argument in front of dd who was screaming. He told me to get out (of our joint house) before he does something he will regret. I left with her and haven’t gone back. But I let him have access.
I didn’t realise at the time but after counselling I realised that I had been abused for over 12 years. It’s turned my life upside down. Anyway, whilst the contact carried on with me being unaware how controlled I was still being lots of things happened I couldn’t explain. Daughter always came back to me sick. I’d end up taking time off work to stay with her, it started to be every week, she’d be sick in the night after spending the day with him. She was dirty, hair not brushed etc. He had an addiction to weed. She was left like I wild animal running around eating however she wanted off the floor. He would buy her ridiculous amounts of toys that she always brought back to me. I couldn’t get him to fix contact times, he’d bring her back whenever he’d had enough (his words) I don’t know if I was coming or going. I bought he parent wizard app, he wouldn’t download it. If he wanted a different day he’d shout and swear at me until I backed down. I couldn’t speak at hand overs as he’d jump down my throat. He started turning up 5 mins before her bedtime wanting to see her for 5 mins. She then wouldn’t settle to sleep, she is 4. It was starting to effect my health, still is really, so I made the decision to stop contact. Then I realised I was being abused. I tired to get visits supervised but he wouldn’t agree to anything, never turned up to times I suggested, wouldn’t suggest any of his own, so I said that I’m not trying anymore. It’s up to him to apply for a court order. He then got very strange, turned up crying to where I’m staying, turned up shouting and swearing, banging, wrote me apologies, tried every tactic even tho he has been asked 3 times by solicitor to not contact me. I’m applying for a non-mol at the moment.

But I’m starting to wonder whether I’ve done enough to encourage there relationship. Or whether I’m just feeling pressured because he doesn’t like that I won’t let him control me though our daughter anymore. It’s so hard to see the wood for the trees. I don’t want to ruin her relationship as it’s a massive decision or get in trouble but I don’t know what I can do. I’m always telling her that daddy loves her because she asks about her. Am I being unreasonable?

You seem to be on the right path.

I’ll walk it and see where it goes. I’m sure it will be a better path because his words don’t work. Something must have changed in me. He isn’t a monster anymore, just a man. He hid behind his disgusting words and I believed them for a long time.

As in most cases of abuse, my support structure over the years was 0. I needed to hear you guys who were being tough, it’s not nice to hear but it shocks your brain into the present. Being present is the only way!

And life is back to being a bit s**t again. Not because of feeling sorry for him but today I feel sorry for myself. Seriously enough emotions now!

Your doing well. At least your aware of your emotions which is half the battle and someone else is no longer getting the opportunity to control them or suppress them. Feel sh**y and let it pass. Just don't let it be your everyday. You've been through a lot and like you said not with much support.

Be careful of 'empathy' in recovery, it's a fine line between understanding how someone feels and feeling it yourself. The second one is not true empathy it can almost be described as a lack of boundaries or sense of self.

You will feel shit, Hopeless, weak, hateful, rage and that feeling of 'enough already' takes a long time to fade

I’m sad because I thought maybe the M.E diagnosis was untrue and if I knew the truth it would go away. But it hasn’t and Im not feeling great. I don’t want to be like this forever. I’m getting angry that he has done this to me and then I’m angry with myself for putting him above myself to the point where I’ve wrecked my body.

It’s like his lasting punch. I will always know what he did to me.

Reality sucks, it’s no wonder I didn’t want to be in it!

It’s painful!

How you doing?

Shit. Yes I managed to see he was a bad man. But then it opened up an entire chasm of stuff I’d pushed deep down. It feels like 2 worlds are colliding together, the truth and the lie I was living.