Having a wobble that I’ve stopped H having contact with daughter.

[Fightingback16]

I’m having a massive wobble about my decision to stop my H seeing his daughter.
I’ve let contact carry on months after leaving the house as my H threatened my life in an argument in front of dd who was screaming. He told me to get out (of our joint house) before he does something he will regret. I left with her and haven’t gone back. But I let him have access.
I didn’t realise at the time but after counselling I realised that I had been abused for over 12 years. It’s turned my life upside down. Anyway, whilst the contact carried on with me being unaware how controlled I was still being lots of things happened I couldn’t explain. Daughter always came back to me sick. I’d end up taking time off work to stay with her, it started to be every week, she’d be sick in the night after spending the day with him. She was dirty, hair not brushed etc. He had an addiction to weed. She was left like I wild animal running around eating however she wanted off the floor. He would buy her ridiculous amounts of toys that she always brought back to me. I couldn’t get him to fix contact times, he’d bring her back whenever he’d had enough (his words) I don’t know if I was coming or going. I bought he parent wizard app, he wouldn’t download it. If he wanted a different day he’d shout and swear at me until I backed down. I couldn’t speak at hand overs as he’d jump down my throat. He started turning up 5 mins before her bedtime wanting to see her for 5 mins. She then wouldn’t settle to sleep, she is 4. It was starting to effect my health, still is really, so I made the decision to stop contact. Then I realised I was being abused. I tired to get visits supervised but he wouldn’t agree to anything, never turned up to times I suggested, wouldn’t suggest any of his own, so I said that I’m not trying anymore. It’s up to him to apply for a court order. He then got very strange, turned up crying to where I’m staying, turned up shouting and swearing, banging, wrote me apologies, tried every tactic even tho he has been asked 3 times by solicitor to not contact me. I’m applying for a non-mol at the moment.

But I’m starting to wonder whether I’ve done enough to encourage there relationship. Or whether I’m just feeling pressured because he doesn’t like that I won’t let him control me though our daughter anymore. It’s so hard to see the wood for the trees. I don’t want to ruin her relationship as it’s a massive decision or get in trouble but I don’t know what I can do. I’m always telling her that daddy loves her because she asks about her. Am I being unreasonable?

Yes you did the right thing, once again you're putting DD first, good call. What do you think you'll do going forward? You could issue a further reminder that constant mentions of daddy confuse/upset DD and give them one more chance, or you can say NC for now and let ex figure out contact with his family during whatever contact the court decides he can have. Both are completely valid choices and are in DD's best interests. Actually some sort of message reminding them of your reasons for asking them not to mention him too much is probably a good idea, more evidence for the court that you have tried to be reasonable and put DD's interests first, should you need it.

I’ll give them a warning. But she was drunk and like him so won’t work! At least I’ll have it to show I tried and gave another chance tho.

It’s his birthday tomo so I’m expecting something to happen

She sounds delightful In that case I wouldn't be going out of my way to maintain links tbh, doesn't sound like DD will get anything positive from it.

What kind of thing is he likely to do tomorrow do you think?

They are like him. Stop all contact with them! Do not encourage a relationship. If he sorts his life out and can have contact one day then he can decide whether to involve them. For now, block all of his family.

Get all that toxicity out of DD's life. It does not help her have a better future.

Try to get over this idea of having to prove you gave people a chance. You do not.

People who are drunken dickheads don't respond to fair reasonable evidence anyway. There's no point engaging expecting reasonable behaviour. You'll only be disappointed.

Think of it this way, you are trying to protect yourself from criticism by sacrificing DD's mental well-being. You did well to end the call. You are making progress. Not putting a child on the phone to a drunk loon in the first place is the next step!

Cut the fuckers off. You will feel so much better. So will DD.

I have had a small break through today. I was worried about him reading the non mol statement because it would ‘hurt him and make him cry’ that’s the wrong thought. He will get angry and dismiss it and say I’ve made it up.

I think I honestly revert to feeling sorry for him because deep down I’m terrified of this man and feeling sorry for him is easier then walking around terrified everyday.

There is a middle way. The normal way. Feel angry with him.

There was a very fine line between me using the relationship to except and blame the fact that I’m actually lazy and useless deep down and he was right or abuse! He covered up that line very well. It was very close between me being the abuser or him. Very clever and sick of him to make someone believe something so you can trap them and carry on living a lie. I still hold the same thought as yesterday, this morning I was still abused. That’s almost 2 days of being one person, one mindset. I pray it stays so I can stop wasting energy on being 2 people. There’s only room for one mindset as the other drives you mad.

And deep down I must have loved myself because I never harmed myself, I never turned to drink or drugs. I just became empty inside.

I was actually T-total for 10 years because I needed to be in control at all times!

See? Even when you were being ruined, you were doing the best things for you and DD. I hope today goes as well as yesterday for you OP.

My will to live is very strong. I feel like I’ve been through some sort of exorcism the last few months. I’ve had to rip this man out of my head.

That's such a good description. It really is. And your head will most certainly be all yours again!

Probably wasn’t a safe thing to do on my own without a counsellor (there was some moments I felt crazy) but I needed to know the man who I was sending dd to and quick. I needed to know why it felt so wrong inside. His control was no match for the love of a mother. He always told me a baby would fix us, but it did the opposite and now he is f**d because something is awake now permanently! Bastard, sad little bastard!

It’s crazy to think how that version of me accepted all those things that happened. Some are so scary, some plain ridiculous, why she couldn’t just say p**s off is sad.

I'm amazed and impressed at your strength of mind OP. It's as if, at some point in this thread, you came to a realisation and made the decision to survive. You are already sounding so much more sure of what you need to do. You have my full admiration.

I've honestly needed to read this post so much so thank you for posting. I've been going through the same with my ex and our DS. I got some support from woman's aid last week who also opened my eyes to the abuse I've been carrying for so long. We are no longer together but it didn't stop the mental torture, everytime he wasn't available to see DS and then when he resurfaced after drinking for 4 days or sleeping I would get hounded with abuse and demanding that he see DS immediately. He has turned up so my house damaging my property, threatened my life numerous times the list goes on. I've been trying to accommodate his time with DS but as he is still so young it terrifies me leaving him with him because I see how angry he gets when he's not drinking.

Basically the woman's aid worker told me when I said 'i would feel so bad at stopping contact because I feel like it would drive him over the edge and I would feel so much guilt for DS as he enjoys seeing him, like the actual thought I'd stopping contact makes me feel physically unwell as I couldn't comprehend it if it were me' ... She said to me 'he is so inside your head, which is what you have been programmed to beleive' she also told me that he as an adult is responsible for himself and asked me what my son gains from the contact?? I wrote the pros and cons list and I have stopped contact for now. I am hoping to go to a solicitor to try and arrange a contact centre and hope that he would begin an alcohol programme. And build a relationship up that way so that they can build up to unsupervised contact. That's in am ideal world but who knows if he will ever take on an actual father like role. All I know is that I need to make sure my DS is safe and right now he would not be safe with him alone.

It's a difficult road ahead and I can feel it only getting worse.

Also... As for ex family. I have always told them my door is opened if they want to spend time with DS. They always say they will but something else always comes up. They only contact me when my ex allows them or when he wants them to ask me a question. It makes me feel so sad for DS that they prioritise a grown man who is knocking back all the help offered over a child who has the right to see his other family members. Obviously priority lies with their brother/son. What a world.

If she's coming back ill, not fed and looked after properly, and he's on drugs (even if it's "only" weed), that would do it for me. If I knew these things weren't going to happen, I'd consider limited contact.

I literally LITERALLY don’t know how the loud mouth, disrespectful bastard got almost 12 years out of me. I’m so relieved it’s over. I’m nice so I feel sorry for absolutely everyone, so that means him a very small amount. And when I say feel sorry for I mean pity. He brings nothing to my daughter’s life, apart from toys. I can’t actually be bothered to think about him anymore in a positive way, he’s had enough space in my brain. It’s hard because I don’t really know much about myself but I know he can’t do that to me again. I’ve read through all his scary msgs that made me shake when I received them, and I laughed a bit inside. They are ridiculous rubbish. He’s pretty f**d because he needed me to believe them, that was the power, and I don’t so now what! Last week I triggered my M.E worrying about and feeling sorry for him and I said to myself never again will I lie in bed aching and in pain because of feeling sorry for my actions.
The way they get into your head is unbelievable and I’m sure I’ll still get issues!

I am hoping to go to a solicitor to try and arrange a contact centre

Stop and Think -
An abusive man is welcome to be around your kids because you want him there
You want him to see them no matter what he does.
You are so brainwashed that you will pay a solicitor to keep him in your life
He doesn't need to change because you will accommodate his abusive nature.

This was the hardest bit for me, Womens aid were telling me "If you arrange contact for him, you are following the pattern"

You believe him seeing the kids is more important then he does.

You believe he is central to your kids lives,

You are responsible for his relationship with his kids.

You believe you were responsible for him abusing you. He is not abusive to everyone

You don't believe he is a danger/threat/abusive if he is in a public place(??)

You are responsible for him in every way

This is what abuse does, you are thinking what you have been trained to think by him, but it feels like your own thoughts. It is really hard and very painful to recover and unpick the mess

Right, you are making progress towards reality at tremendous speed so I am going to tackle your idea that you are too nice. You are wrong about that.

You can't fully recover until you realise that this: I’m nice so I feel sorry for absolutely everyone is bullshit.

Were you nice to your child? Nope. You sacrificed her well-being for a while to be nice to your abuser. That's not nice. That's fear. That's appeasement. That's choosing to put a fantasy of a relationship above reality.

To succeed in future you have to recognise that desperate constant appeasement is not an indicator of you being super duper lovely and nice. It is a sign of something else.

You can't fix it until you can see it.

Yes it’s a sign that as a child I could never be enough to get the love from my mum that I wanted. She was a terrible and controlling mum. She left me unprepared and have 0 self esteem to deal with a man like this. He made be believe he loved me above all else, he used my past against me, but he created the illusion to keep himself from living in his crap dark world. I was his light, his lovely little punchbag . I will never be a hater, I don’t want to be, but I’ll never let someone destroy me again. I’ll teach myself and my daughter that we are worth it without the need to be told. I hope then unlike me she will me prepared for a man like this better then I was. I know I sent my daughter, it was when my eyes were closed, but I stopped it. I won’t act upon my wobbles, she won’t go back under my watch. I never did anything to deserve his treatment. It didn’t happen because I was nice, it happened because he was not. I never saw them it because I wanted him to love me because I didn’t love myself enough. But I did love myself to leave and think I want better.

I can’t help I have a lot of empathy, it’s how I use it that matters. I need to start using it better and on myself first. I am my own worst enemy.