Having a wobble that I’ve stopped H having contact with daughter.

[Fightingback16]

I’m having a massive wobble about my decision to stop my H seeing his daughter.
I’ve let contact carry on months after leaving the house as my H threatened my life in an argument in front of dd who was screaming. He told me to get out (of our joint house) before he does something he will regret. I left with her and haven’t gone back. But I let him have access.
I didn’t realise at the time but after counselling I realised that I had been abused for over 12 years. It’s turned my life upside down. Anyway, whilst the contact carried on with me being unaware how controlled I was still being lots of things happened I couldn’t explain. Daughter always came back to me sick. I’d end up taking time off work to stay with her, it started to be every week, she’d be sick in the night after spending the day with him. She was dirty, hair not brushed etc. He had an addiction to weed. She was left like I wild animal running around eating however she wanted off the floor. He would buy her ridiculous amounts of toys that she always brought back to me. I couldn’t get him to fix contact times, he’d bring her back whenever he’d had enough (his words) I don’t know if I was coming or going. I bought he parent wizard app, he wouldn’t download it. If he wanted a different day he’d shout and swear at me until I backed down. I couldn’t speak at hand overs as he’d jump down my throat. He started turning up 5 mins before her bedtime wanting to see her for 5 mins. She then wouldn’t settle to sleep, she is 4. It was starting to effect my health, still is really, so I made the decision to stop contact. Then I realised I was being abused. I tired to get visits supervised but he wouldn’t agree to anything, never turned up to times I suggested, wouldn’t suggest any of his own, so I said that I’m not trying anymore. It’s up to him to apply for a court order. He then got very strange, turned up crying to where I’m staying, turned up shouting and swearing, banging, wrote me apologies, tried every tactic even tho he has been asked 3 times by solicitor to not contact me. I’m applying for a non-mol at the moment.

But I’m starting to wonder whether I’ve done enough to encourage there relationship. Or whether I’m just feeling pressured because he doesn’t like that I won’t let him control me though our daughter anymore. It’s so hard to see the wood for the trees. I don’t want to ruin her relationship as it’s a massive decision or get in trouble but I don’t know what I can do. I’m always telling her that daddy loves her because she asks about her. Am I being unreasonable?

It’s very scary when you realise outside of this trauma you don’t know who you are. I remember who I was but who I am has been under attack, it’s not sure of herself. It’s not sure if it is worthy. Does it come back and how?

You will come back. Some bits of you, some bits will go. You'll get some new bits too.

Remember that even without this, as humans, we are different at 9 to 19 to 29 to 49 etc. This has taken up a big chunk of your life, so you WILL be different to before, you always would have been. But you WILL come back. Many come back stronger than they have ever been. I take no shit now, none at all.

Yes, I'd agree that you are allowed to consider your brain wounded now. You've been under attack for years. For now, focus on self preservation - and you're doing that amazingly: you're with your mum and you're protecting yourself and your daughter. Allow yourself time to recover and relax at last, too OP. You're safe, you're keeping you both safe, that's enough for now. Often, the clarity and understanding that you're seeking, can only come with time. Just for now, as you say, your brain is still injured - so give it time to heal.

In time, you'll be better able to work out the things you want to know, you'll be able to let go of the things you'll never have the answer to. For now, just know that you are doing the right thing.

Thanks. I’m having an identity crisis. There are parts of me I recognise and parts I don’t and parts I don’t even like. I’ve taken on, absorbed some of his morals, they are disgusting. I’m two people, me and the me when I was with him. I hope these parts of me will gel someday. But in the meantime there are things I can do, eg non-mol (him coming to my safe place puts me back into the old me, the confused scared me) and get my money out of my house. I have since recently wanted to go back. Not now, I won’t go back to that prison, I will be somewhere new and clean. I will have to force and fight for my life.

Are you able to talk to your mum about all this? Please don't feel so despairing, the very fact that you're on here asking for help shows you've already come a long way. It's a bit like clearing out the big cupboard, you have to deal with a lot of rubbish before you can put back the good stuff.

Exactly @Fightingback16! You WILL.

I know you will, know how? You can already see the effect that him being near you has. Seeing that, that's one of the hardest things, knowing that this person is so very harmful. And you can already see it! That's amazing!

That you have these feelings and wobbles is normal. Sad for you, but to be expected. That you can see a different possibility is the key, and you're already there. Keep doing what you're doing, you're doing brilliantly. Just keep on looking after yourself. Fuck anyone who doesn't act only with care for you; you've come last for a long time, now is the time for you to come first.

Perhaps that is one part of his personality that I will keep, self preservation!

No I can’t talk to my mum. My dad died two years ago and my mum has a long term illness so she is giving me the support she can.

But I’m talking to all of you because I’m not prepared to destroy myself anymore. I want to be an amazing mum.

You already are an amazing mum, you just don't realise it yet. We're here, keep talking to us if it helps

Like the other poster said I’ve parented whilst at rock bottom, I’ve scraped through almost 4 years of her life. I want to parent whilst happy for the rest. But I can’t force it. There are things everyday that make me laugh, little people are just great.

No more looking back, it’s a trap!

That parenting at rock bottom is what makes you an amazing mum, if you can provide everything she needs while you are going through hell imagine how awesome you will be when you're happy! You're dead right, no looking back, you have so much to look forward to, keep your eyes on the prize

Keep talking here, sounds like you and your mum are having to be there for each other too. That has to be so hard for both of you, you are absolutely doing an amazing job with the hand you've been dealt.

I’ve got a lot of court papers to fill in and I can’t get my brain to remember the arguments, there was so many. It’s difficult to switch your brain on and off to memories you don’t really want to remember. Either they all come at once of not at all!

I just wanted to add that I had the dentist today who managed to put the needle somewhere near my eye nerve and I couldn’t see out of that eye. That has got to be the worse experience of my life (my new life) talking about being traumatised! In need a break

Yes you do OP! Leave it for tonight, give your brain (and poor face!) a wee rest.

Can you think of anything nice to do for yourself tonight? Just something little. What's your favourite film, could you watch that? Long hot bath and a book? Little things, a small thing every day just for you.

I have a treat every day, just a small one. Special drink (I don't drink alcohol, but the eastern European shops by me do wierd and wonderful juices), a funny tv programme, some sweets, bath and book, daffodils (my children pay and hand them to me, makes everyone happy). Just a little thing each day, because I am an excellent person and I deserve small treats. You do too @Fightingback16, you are most definitely, and very clearly, an excellent person: have a think and see what you could do for yourself tonight .

I have a meeting tomo about the non mol, I’m going to have to go in unprepared because I’m going to get nothing out of myself tonight! I’m going to watch a film!

I think that sounds sensible. You'll do better tomorrow if you can relax now. Far better to be unprepared than a wreck. Are you driving there tomorrow? If not, you can try to collect your thoughts on the way anyway.

Do you have anyone in real life or would you be able to speak to a professional?

It comes across really clearly in your posting that there's a dichotomy going on. (You don't sound like you're a hysterical mess or unable to cope by the way!) but you do sound as if Two women are writing your posts.
One is coming to terms with the truth and the other is almost furious that you think you can just stop being totally responsible for and concerned about how sad your abuser must be feeling.

If you're not getting any counselling please look into it, It's not a race to stop feeling crappy and you want to make damn sure that the future is arsehole proof.

I do have people I speak to and have also spoken to the gp. I’m just finding it hard to make decisions now knowing that they may not be my choice, like they weren’t before. I could walk away but it’s the contact with my daughter that is upsetting me. Stopping her from seeing her dad is a massive decision and It’s the first real decision I’ve made in a long time. I don’t want to have got it wrong just because he didn’t respect me. I guess that’s why I’m trying to rush an answer of what’s happened over the years. Was it me or is this how he treats everyone, how far do I need to go to protect her. Am I making a bigger deal out of it at the moment because it’s new and scary or am I punishing him for keeping me locked away in hell. I want the best for her. He would always have been a crap father whilst we were together, could he change once he can’t control me. If I could get an answer then I’d know I’ve made the right choice. I can leave him but it’s not my choice is it for her to leave her dad? I don’t love him anymore or want to be with him at all. I feel sorry for him because I’ve always done so, yes that really angers me because he is a grown man. He really dramatised our love, all or nothing, soulmates. I find it hard to let go of that collective dream. I thought we were both working towards a dream that was never going to be reached. He keeps coming to my house crying and asking me why I’m being so cruel, it’s effecting my judgment. I was definitely co-dependant on him for a long time. I’ve only just realised 2 months ago that I was abused. My support worker had said he was extensively emotionally abusive with mental health issues on top, he skewed my reality. I will calm down tho, I won’t get the answers I need the way I’m going about it, I will break my brain because its too much as once. You
are all showing me that it won’t be Black and white. I’ll have to base my decisions on what I see and not how I feel until I can start to trust myself. I’ve not got the right support structure in place at the moment so I’m still living in fear of him showing up. I’m still in survival mode so I feel like I’m half in the old life and half making a new life.

You have real insight into what's happening to you OP, that will stand you in good stead once the initial fog starts to clear. You're right that it won't be black and white, it also won't be sudden change or progress, it will be tiny changes and steps forward (along with the inevitable steps back) but that also means you will slowly start to feel better, it won't be this awful for long. You'll start to notice the good bits of your days, then the good days and before you know it you're having more good days than bad. You're doing so much better than you think, keep going

I probably do sound like two people because I am very different now to how I was in that relationship. I was dead like a zombie, an empty vessel. He puts me back into that mode when he contacts me, which he had been a lot the past few week. I’m still taking a mental beating with His essay long apologies, at my door crying, the endless lawyers letters, then the aggression. I was absolutely pathetic when I was with him. It’s very hard to let go of the fact that I grovelled on the floor to this man even though he helped put me there, I stripped myself of everything, I acknowledged I was worthless for so long.

I still don’t believe fully that I’m not worthless but I will never know if he was wrong if I don’t try. Im in a fight with myself and his programming now for my own worth.

Up until 2 months ago I’d being trying to persuade him of my worth, so that he would treat me with respect and we would be able to co-parent. I’ll never get him to acknowledge that but maybe I can forgive myself if I put the energy into myself instead of him. Im not nice to myself just like he wasn’t.

It’s the first real decision I’ve made in a long time. I don’t want to have got it wrong just because he didn’t respect me
Just? he threw you out, threatened to kill you, he scared your DD and your support worker confirmed that he is abusive
Was it me or is this how he treats everyone
He is an abuser, he abuses everyone
He keeps coming to my house crying and asking me why I’m being so cruel, it’s effecting my judgment.
He is still abusing you by ignoring your wishes and distressing you.
Up until 2 months ago I’d being trying to persuade him of my worth, so that he would treat me with respect
He is abusing you still, he blames you for him threatening him and him throwing you out. He will not be respectful
could he change once he can’t control me
He will get angry because you are not entitled to deny him that control, in his head. No he will not change

NON MOL forms and info I got mine my self with Womens Aid on the end of the phone, it took about 24 hours start to finish and is free unless you pay for representation