Having a wobble that I’ve stopped H having contact with daughter.

[Fightingback16]

I’m having a massive wobble about my decision to stop my H seeing his daughter.
I’ve let contact carry on months after leaving the house as my H threatened my life in an argument in front of dd who was screaming. He told me to get out (of our joint house) before he does something he will regret. I left with her and haven’t gone back. But I let him have access.
I didn’t realise at the time but after counselling I realised that I had been abused for over 12 years. It’s turned my life upside down. Anyway, whilst the contact carried on with me being unaware how controlled I was still being lots of things happened I couldn’t explain. Daughter always came back to me sick. I’d end up taking time off work to stay with her, it started to be every week, she’d be sick in the night after spending the day with him. She was dirty, hair not brushed etc. He had an addiction to weed. She was left like I wild animal running around eating however she wanted off the floor. He would buy her ridiculous amounts of toys that she always brought back to me. I couldn’t get him to fix contact times, he’d bring her back whenever he’d had enough (his words) I don’t know if I was coming or going. I bought he parent wizard app, he wouldn’t download it. If he wanted a different day he’d shout and swear at me until I backed down. I couldn’t speak at hand overs as he’d jump down my throat. He started turning up 5 mins before her bedtime wanting to see her for 5 mins. She then wouldn’t settle to sleep, she is 4. It was starting to effect my health, still is really, so I made the decision to stop contact. Then I realised I was being abused. I tired to get visits supervised but he wouldn’t agree to anything, never turned up to times I suggested, wouldn’t suggest any of his own, so I said that I’m not trying anymore. It’s up to him to apply for a court order. He then got very strange, turned up crying to where I’m staying, turned up shouting and swearing, banging, wrote me apologies, tried every tactic even tho he has been asked 3 times by solicitor to not contact me. I’m applying for a non-mol at the moment.

But I’m starting to wonder whether I’ve done enough to encourage there relationship. Or whether I’m just feeling pressured because he doesn’t like that I won’t let him control me though our daughter anymore. It’s so hard to see the wood for the trees. I don’t want to ruin her relationship as it’s a massive decision or get in trouble but I don’t know what I can do. I’m always telling her that daddy loves her because she asks about her. Am I being unreasonable?

It is not your responsibility to encourage his relationship with your dd. It is your responsibility to not sabotage it. You also have a responsibility to protect your dd. You are not stopping your dd from seeing him. You have simply said, apply for a contact order and we can outline what is best for dd. If he’s that distressed about not seeing his child then surely he can apply for a contact order. They are not expensive. He has money for weed and toys doesn’t he?
If you don’t protect your dd you will deeply regret it. She’s already suffering. Don’t that that mans abuse manipulate you at the cost of your dd wellbeing. That’s why you left him surely.

Why would you want to accommodate your child's relationship with him, he leaves he starving, eating off the floor. Filthy dirty. This is neglect. Move house and run as far away from him as possible. Don't let him have contact you are putting your child in danger if you do and you don't want to get into trouble for knowingly putting her in danger. X

Until I started the freedom programme I honestly just thought he was a man who was angry and that I pushed his buttons. I had absolutely no idea that he was abusive. It’s a real shock to me. It sounds stupid probably but I never realised the extent of what has happened. He convinced me that I had problems when he actually created them. The last thing I’m struggling with is the image of how I always see him. He convinced me that he was a lost little boy. He himself suffered terrible abuse from his father, I always forgave him because of that. It’s hard to picture him now as not this hurt little boy,

I also know he is a bastard and that I hate him for what he has done to us. So I will plough through!

Your posts sound so similar to my ex and the way he behaved with his daughter (not my dad). He would have her here for the weekend and if I didn't constantly hassle him he would do nothing with her, she would be bought mountains of toys and sweets, bought junk food while I was told to mind my own business as it wasn't my child and she would be allowed to watch tv or YouTube all weekend while he went outside and smoked weed. After we split her mother told me she often came home stinking of weed and despite living beside a park he would refuse to take her, she would come back not showered or bathed. I think stopping contact is your best option in these cases.

*my dd

Was it me or is this how he treats everyone, how far do I need to go to protect her. Am I making a bigger deal out of it at the moment because it’s new and scary or am I punishing him

@Fightingback16, regarding this: remember what he has also done to your daughter. He has openly and obviously neglected her; didn't feed her properly, nor wash her. Put her to bed. Even feed her on a plate. He has treated her like a dog, not his daughter. Not just this, he has terrified and abused her mother - and that's not someone safe for your daughter.

Your daughter needs love and care. You can provide that, he can't or won't. Your daughter needs you safe and calm. He is the one who stops that, who actively relishes stopping that.

He has treated you both like animals my love, and worse than you should treat an animal at that. But, you are not, HE is the only animal here: and his lack of humanity is obvious.

It is the the best option and I know it because we can’t parent together and he has a different set of values to me. I’ve been giving him mixed signals and myself so I need to stick to one now. I can and he can put all the worries and issues in front of a judge who is impartial if he really wants to see. Hopefully they will be fair but I know he will never be the father she needs. People say to me well you shouldn’t have had a child with him, that just makes me feel worse. But I know why!!

Good luck today @Fightingback16 ! I hope your head stays nice and calm today for you. If not, have you heard of, or tried grounding?

You find something for each of your senses in turn, then count back from 10 focusing only on that. Ie. 'What can I hear?' A bird/car/the wind/ whatever. Focus on what you can hear for 10, 9, 8 etc. Then 'what can I see?' Grass, a pavement crack etc. 'What can I smell?', taste? Touch? The last ones, I normally end up with my own mouth and a soft bit of my coat... it really works for me, for both panic attacks and also just that sudden feeling of 'what the fuck am I meant to be doing?!'.

It’s hard to forgive yourself for being that person who accepted things that you really shouldn’t. His response was well you met me like this and it was fine so why did you decide to go, that’s not fair, if anyone should have left it should have been me. And yes I did accept a lot of things! But I no that was because I was being abused!

I know he will never be the father she needs.

That's why, there's no need to try to convince yourself of another reason x.

Just listen to that reasoning! It's just but I'm always a cunt! You can't leave me for being a cunt.

But you can. You have.

It is hard, so hard, when you knew someone's faults all along. I've done it not once, but twice. Never again though.

There's a massive difference between knowing someone's faults and realising that what they do, they're doing right now to you. That actually, it's not fucking ok at all. That you deserve better.

Don't forgive yourself for not seeing before. PRAISE yourself for realising now, before your daughter learnt that this was normal. You're doing brilliantly.

I have my own bloody needs also. I’ve totally forgotten I need things. I’ve stopped contact not only because he can’t keep her safe but because he still uses the occasion to treat me like s**t and reinforce that he is the big guy and I’m the small women. He makes me feel crap when he comes. I must remember I WILL NOT be treated like this. I need to be happy so that dd can be happy. It starts with me! I NEED him at the moment out of my face so that I can work on getting him out my mind. Step one non-mol!!!!!

Every word that you just said is exactly right. Only you missed one bit, when he's doing that to you, it's not just abuse of you, it's abusive to her too. Watching your caregiver be terrified is abuse in itself.

Write that out, I HAVE NEEDS TOO! All that paragraph, and read it again whenever you're not sure you're doing the right thing. Because you will probably keep having these wobbles, but what you just said is 100% right, don't let yourself forget it.

Yes you are absolutely right and that was the reason why I left that day. My little girl sat on the sofa screaming because of the loudness and the scariness. She was only 2 but she was scared enough to scream. That and the boots he threw at me hit her on the hand also. I’m sure that when he is walking in the street with her to the park etc if someone even looks at him the wrong way he will blow up in front of her like he did with me. If anyone looks at him he’s up in there face “what are you f***g at” blah blah blah! Same in the car, I can’t see him containing it for her and not me. He’s either a bully or not. He either has one set of values or not! He will be the same with her as with me. I’m going to concentrate my energy away from figuring it all out before I literally break my brain and putting it towards getting some of my needs met. I want what’s mine, somewhere to live, some space to be me. I won’t know if I’m capable until I try and be capable. If I keep listening to him I’ll always be nothing!

Well done! And you will be ok, you are more than capable. It is so obvious from all your posts what a good mum you are, that she's your priority. The rest of it you can figure out as you go along.

I was always told I was useless and couldn't do anything. Turns out I can and it's easy.

I hope to be like you. Or should I say I will be or I am He punched way above his weight and he knew it!!!!

I recommend a book called The Reality Slap by Russ Harris. Very good for finding out who you are and recovering yourself after something bloody awful happens.

Here's the blurb:
Product description
Sometimes it can feel like there's a gap between what we plan or hope for in our lives and the reality we're faced with - a so-called 'reality gap'. Sometimes it's a startling reality gap caused by the death of a loved one, for example, or a serious illness, a freak accident, divorce or the loss of a job. Sometimes it's a little gentler: envy, loneliness, resentment, failure, disappointment or rejection. But whatever form your 'reality gap' may take, one thing's for sure: it can cause us great distress. Based on the scientifically proven mindfulness-based approach called 'Acceptance and Commitment Therapy' (ACT), this self-help book will teach you how to cope effectively when life hurts and you will learn not only how to survive life's unexpected curve balls, but also how to thrive, despite them.

About the Author
Dr Russ Harris is one of Australia's foremost practitioners and trainers of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), a mindfulness-based psychological therapy that aims to help you to reduce stress, overcome fear and find fulfilment. He is one of the world's leading authorities in ACT, and regularly travels internationally to train a wide variety of professionals in the approach. He is the author of The Happiness Trap, an international bestseller which has been translated into 22 languages, and The Confidence Gap.

It went well, I feel calmer today. Calm is an alien feeling. Calm makes me worry that something is brewing!

I’ll say one thing tho, I’m bloody relieved I’m not in that house with him anymore! God it was awful!

The fog is lifting OP, the relief of being away from him is starting to set in. It will be tempered with guilt and that sense that you're responsible for his unhappiness for a while but one day in the not too distant future that relief is all you'll feel.

And calm is good, even if there are still storms to come you need to use the calm spells to recharge and gather strength. From an objective perspective you're hurtling through this process much faster and much more successfully than you realise. You're incredibly self aware and, now your away from him, your eyes are opening to how abusive he really was at an astonishing rate. I know you feel like you're in bits but you're holding it together much better than you think, keep going

I’ve been away from the house for a year, so not been physically stuck for a whole year. I was still mentally trapped which for me was much worse and where his power was. It feels like I’ve only been away for a few weeks not a year. Time is strange!

@fighting you have been through so much. Your big beautiful brain is starting to wake up and the self preservation kicking in. Meditation/ journaling might be useful for getting a grip on your thoughts - what is it I think? Is that reasonable or not? ACT could be really helpful for you. Good luck, sounds like you are making a load of progress

We had everything anyone would have wanted from the outside, even I was fooled, I’ve been mourning the loss of an illusion. He called me ungrateful and I believed it but we actually had nothing. Nothing is what I became.

Ok so I ring his family each week so dd can see her other gran and auntie as they live far. They’ve asked if they can speak to dd about daddy, I’ve asked them not to as she doesn’t understand, so his sister has inserted the word daddy a hundred time’s in a 5 min conversation so I hung up. Is that the right think to do? I don’t think it’s helpful for her to hear it over and over!