Having a wobble that I’ve stopped H having contact with daughter.

[Fightingback16]

I’m having a massive wobble about my decision to stop my H seeing his daughter.
I’ve let contact carry on months after leaving the house as my H threatened my life in an argument in front of dd who was screaming. He told me to get out (of our joint house) before he does something he will regret. I left with her and haven’t gone back. But I let him have access.
I didn’t realise at the time but after counselling I realised that I had been abused for over 12 years. It’s turned my life upside down. Anyway, whilst the contact carried on with me being unaware how controlled I was still being lots of things happened I couldn’t explain. Daughter always came back to me sick. I’d end up taking time off work to stay with her, it started to be every week, she’d be sick in the night after spending the day with him. She was dirty, hair not brushed etc. He had an addiction to weed. She was left like I wild animal running around eating however she wanted off the floor. He would buy her ridiculous amounts of toys that she always brought back to me. I couldn’t get him to fix contact times, he’d bring her back whenever he’d had enough (his words) I don’t know if I was coming or going. I bought he parent wizard app, he wouldn’t download it. If he wanted a different day he’d shout and swear at me until I backed down. I couldn’t speak at hand overs as he’d jump down my throat. He started turning up 5 mins before her bedtime wanting to see her for 5 mins. She then wouldn’t settle to sleep, she is 4. It was starting to effect my health, still is really, so I made the decision to stop contact. Then I realised I was being abused. I tired to get visits supervised but he wouldn’t agree to anything, never turned up to times I suggested, wouldn’t suggest any of his own, so I said that I’m not trying anymore. It’s up to him to apply for a court order. He then got very strange, turned up crying to where I’m staying, turned up shouting and swearing, banging, wrote me apologies, tried every tactic even tho he has been asked 3 times by solicitor to not contact me. I’m applying for a non-mol at the moment.

But I’m starting to wonder whether I’ve done enough to encourage there relationship. Or whether I’m just feeling pressured because he doesn’t like that I won’t let him control me though our daughter anymore. It’s so hard to see the wood for the trees. I don’t want to ruin her relationship as it’s a massive decision or get in trouble but I don’t know what I can do. I’m always telling her that daddy loves her because she asks about her. Am I being unreasonable?

You are doing the right thing.

I was worried that I’d get in trouble for parental alienation. But then I thought I’m not trying to turn her against him just keep her safe and myself. I make sure I tell her that daddy loves her and keep her out of it all which is hard when he comes to the door shouting. I guess I’m just worried I won’t be believed because I’ve never felt that my decisions were worth anything, making decisions is new and scary.

You're absolutely doing the right thing.

He's a shit person and a neglectful bad father.
Reminder yourself that because that's the truth.

I'm glad you're getting something in place so he can't just show up unannounced at your home and abuse you. Is he paying any child maintenance?

My DD did the same thing with an abusive addict ex,
The DC were ages 3 and 6 when she left.
The kids don't talk about him. They've don't even know who he is.
The only thing DGD said was that she was glad she didn't have to live there anymore because it was scary.

Know you're doing the right thing. Stop talking about him and your DD will too.

Oh and he threatened her a lot about taking her to court and getting custody and alienation. It was all BS. It's been over a year and he has made zero attempt to contact them or see them. He abandoned them.

It’s so difficult to understand all of this. I left because my life was threatened. I went to the freedom programme because the lady at mediation told me a had to. I sat there and I spoke and I heard myself. Then I realised there was someone else in my head. Now I’m trying to rip the bastard out and he’s clinging on like a bugger and his tentacles go all the way too my feet. I only hope I will not feel like this forever!

You have done exactly the right thing. It’s HIS fault your DD can’t see him. He’s not keeping her safe. You need to do so.

It won’t feel like this forever. I haven’t been through this but many other MNers have and they can confirm it.

You will get in more trouble for encouraging contact with an abusive man who hasn't made any effort to see her then you will for deciding not to encourage contact.
You know how fucked up your head is, it's unlikely she hasn't been affected in some way and it is possible that he has both of you thinking he is the capable adult and you're a bit helpless without him, she doesn't know any different yet. But she will.

All the shit thats bombarding you is your brain processing it, you'll need an occasional reminder that it's ok to feel crap and lots of reminders that you do know best, you are capable and you are more than he had you believing you were.

Part of abuse is the helplessness that these arseholes force onto you, abuse doesn't work without the victim feeling that she 'needs' the abuser in some way. It's a lot to unpick and you can't clean up a mess without getting a bit dirty yourself, but you are ploughing through it and that really takes some bollocks.

If she see's that you won't tolerate men screaming at you and acting like arseholes she will just accept that women do not tolerate that shit. Ever.

Keep your eyes on the future whenever you can, but at the moment your view of the future will be a bit meh...you will find that you get optimistic eventually, you will start to have plans and look forward to things. Honestly you will.

Have you got to hating him yet? That's when it starts to feel like you are doing the right thing.

I’m a mixed bag of hate one day, then guilt then blame then self doubt then tiredness and it’s going round in circles. I’ve only really realised the abuse 2 months ago even though I left a year ago. For the rest of the time he still had control over me.

I’m spending a lot of time thinking about his feelings, I can’t stop doing it and I don’t want to. I’m sabotaging myself.

I have to remind myself that 12 years is a long time to brainwash. I can’t stand not having control of my thoughts.

I hope this thread is at least confirming for you that you are doing the right thing, you're protecting your child and that's exactly as it should be.

I grew up without my dad, entirely different circumstances but still absolutely for the best, sometimes no dad really is better than a bad one. Your DD is lucky because, like me, she has a strong mum who puts her first. You don't realise your worth yet because you still have work to do to recover from his abuse but one day you will, and DD certainly will, you will be her hero the way my mum is to me.

Just keep going, keep doing what you're doing and try not to let doubt creep in, and come back here whenever you need reminding, we're here for all the wobbles

Thank you for all the support. That little girl saved my life. I have to keep her safe, she deserves the best from me.

That little girl is the reason you saved yourself and you both deserve you at your best.

Thanks to you, if she ever finds herself being screamed at and accused of making some bloke sad, angry or any of the other crap he accused you of, she won't think "shit, what can I do to stop him being angry" but she will think "This blokes a complete arsehole, glad it's not my problem" as she's leaving.

That's what you're giving her, a life free of taking responsibility for and accepting other peoples crappy treatment of her.

She did save your life and you saved hers from heartache and misery.

It's still early days. It does take awhile to process and deprogram.
Like you said it's hard to stop thinking about them and their wants as that is exactly what abusers do. They want to take over your mind 24/7.

Have you made out a list of the horrible things he has done? If not, make a list and pick the 5-10 worst things he done and put at the bottom "and this is the reality of how he truly is". Then make a note to keep in your phone and every time you feel a wobble, open it up and read it.

I can picture you a year from now watching your DD skip and play happy without a care.

How old is your daughter?

I understand your concerns re parental alienation as abusive men use this strategy successfully. Document the all the issues in case this goes to court.

Does he manage to hold down a job?

She is 4 and yes he has a job. Been asked to leave 2 places tho due to his aggression towards staff members.

Why is it that at dinner time I always feel bad for him. He is alone here, no friends or family to spend time with. Just eats a lot of take away now in his own. I’m with my mum and dd, but I end up feeling guilty for being happy and not alone. When we were together he always told me what a crap wife I was, he was always disrespectful to me. I don’t think I’ve loved him for a long long time. What is this guilt because I longed to be away from him and now I have my wish.

That's good, more proof he's violent and unpredictable. It really would be a good idea to write all this down, all the instances of aggression (towards you or others) you can remember, with rough dates wherever you can too. Hopefully you'll never need to use it but it's some level of insurance for you if he ever does try to prove parental alienation and/or go for unsupervised access.

Otherwise I think you just have to plow on and try to focus on you and DD, the less you think about him the better so there's less temptation to feel guilty. Let him be responsible for him, you have enough to do taking care of yourself and DD and getting over what he did to you.

I know it feels alien not putting him front and centre (as he trained you to do) but it won't feel that way forever, and when you're healed enough to enjoy it being free will be the best felling in the world. Hang onto that, it's waiting for you at the end of all this

Do you think he would feel guilty if he was happy and you were miserable and alone? You feel guilty because he's conditioned you to feel responsible for his happiness/unhappiness but the truth is you never were. It will take time to shake that conditioning off, time and space away from him so you can figure out how to operate without everything having to revolve around him.

But you need to get strict with yourself about how much you let yourself think about him too, you need to detach now. I seem to have a sort of auto-pilot mode at the most stressful times of my life, I just sort of mentally shut down everything unnecessary and just focus on getting through each day. I kind of think that's what you need right now, just to switch off from everything except the essentials of daily life for you and DD and find some headspace and some peace. I'm not sure I can tell you how to do that though, it just happens with me when I hit overload.

Stop lying to your daughter about serious matters that she can see are lies through her own personal experience.

I’m always telling her that daddy loves her

I make sure I tell her that daddy loves her and keep her out of it all which is hard when he comes to the door shouting.

Why would you lie about something like that? Is this the kind of thing you told yourself for 12 years? Oh yeah he loves me really. I wish he loved me so I will pretend he loves me.

Your four year old daughter has seen clear evidence that her dad is neglectful and dangerous. She screamed as he attacked you and you both left for good that night. He did not feed her! He did not turn up for her! He made her ill repeatedly! Yet you are telling her he loves her. Bloody hell OP.

Her mind must be in turmoil at such nonsense and why you, her supposed protector, would be so oblivious to what he did to her. I mean you sent her to his house repeatedly! Every time you speak shite about him loving her, her blood must run cold worrying that you are going to send her back for more.

Did you dismiss her if she complained about her dad when she did have contact? Oh there there sweetie daddy loves you, he doesn't mean it , he's just x,y,z.

FFS woman. Why would you tell a child that's love?!

He does not love her. Lying to her that this is love will destroy her life.

Instead put effort into making up for all the times you put loads of effort into sending her to be neglected. Help her come to terms with the fact that her dad is a dangerous weed-addled bad man who loves no one. Help her to know that's not her fault but it is how it is. Help her to know that this is not love. Help her to know that even if it were love on his part, she should reject him because of how he has treated her.

If he wants to see her he will arrange mediation and you can agree contact centre visits. He won't.

I don’t know why I tell her. She begs me to see daddy. She asks everyday to see him. I just thought she doesn’t understand and just loves him. She was just 2.5 when he screamed at me and she cried. I had tens of msgs a day from him about me never breaking there bond. I’m very confused about everything.

She has never complained about the times she went with him. She came back with toys and beaming....just not clean.
But I clearly see I’m putting him first, I really don’t want to that’s why I stopped contact as soon as I realised that he was in my head.

You have to start telling her the truth in an age appropriate way.

Daddy issues where she chases druggie violent losers for love when she's 14 won't be good for her.

If she says she misses him, ask what she misses neutrally. It might be about stuff, it might be about entertainment, it might be about eating junk, who knows. Let's face it, it's not because of the quality time they spend chatting or mucking about in a playground now is it? It's not because he helps her navigate difficult aspects of life either.

Asking about him every day is a bit odd tbh.

Maybe she just wants to feel love all around her. No doubt you tell her you love her. Maybe asking about her dad is a way to trigger you into telling her she has more than one person who loves her. When does she ask and how do you respond?

She asks mostly when I say no to buying a toy although this is stopping over time. I tell her no we can’t have new toys all the time. She then replies with oh well daddy will get me it. She says I want daddy when I do any reinforcement or naughty step. She may ask when she spots a toy that he bought and say daddy hasn’t been for a long time. I tell her no he and mummy are working towards something because there are certain things that mummy isn’t happy with. I then tell her that mummy and nanny and all my other family names love her. I have said on occasion that daddy loves her, which I won’t do anymore. I tell her it has nothing to do with her she is a beautiful kind little girl and she is mummy’s best friend. She is a lovely little girl most of the time. She has started to talk to me a bit rudely, like get me a drink. To which I tell her we talk to people we love kindly.