Having a wobble that I’ve stopped H having contact with daughter.

[Fightingback16]

I’m having a massive wobble about my decision to stop my H seeing his daughter.
I’ve let contact carry on months after leaving the house as my H threatened my life in an argument in front of dd who was screaming. He told me to get out (of our joint house) before he does something he will regret. I left with her and haven’t gone back. But I let him have access.
I didn’t realise at the time but after counselling I realised that I had been abused for over 12 years. It’s turned my life upside down. Anyway, whilst the contact carried on with me being unaware how controlled I was still being lots of things happened I couldn’t explain. Daughter always came back to me sick. I’d end up taking time off work to stay with her, it started to be every week, she’d be sick in the night after spending the day with him. She was dirty, hair not brushed etc. He had an addiction to weed. She was left like I wild animal running around eating however she wanted off the floor. He would buy her ridiculous amounts of toys that she always brought back to me. I couldn’t get him to fix contact times, he’d bring her back whenever he’d had enough (his words) I don’t know if I was coming or going. I bought he parent wizard app, he wouldn’t download it. If he wanted a different day he’d shout and swear at me until I backed down. I couldn’t speak at hand overs as he’d jump down my throat. He started turning up 5 mins before her bedtime wanting to see her for 5 mins. She then wouldn’t settle to sleep, she is 4. It was starting to effect my health, still is really, so I made the decision to stop contact. Then I realised I was being abused. I tired to get visits supervised but he wouldn’t agree to anything, never turned up to times I suggested, wouldn’t suggest any of his own, so I said that I’m not trying anymore. It’s up to him to apply for a court order. He then got very strange, turned up crying to where I’m staying, turned up shouting and swearing, banging, wrote me apologies, tried every tactic even tho he has been asked 3 times by solicitor to not contact me. I’m applying for a non-mol at the moment.

But I’m starting to wonder whether I’ve done enough to encourage there relationship. Or whether I’m just feeling pressured because he doesn’t like that I won’t let him control me though our daughter anymore. It’s so hard to see the wood for the trees. I don’t want to ruin her relationship as it’s a massive decision or get in trouble but I don’t know what I can do. I’m always telling her that daddy loves her because she asks about her. Am I being unreasonable?

I’m an idiot for putting him first. He created a bond with her for the first two years at my detriment. I was suffering with PND (not surprising given the relationship) he didn’t care, wouldn’t let me take antidepressants, he enjoyed me suffering. He would come in on his horse and take over (only the fun parts tho) the rest he left for me so I was always the bad cop. I had to pull her off him to bath or dress or hair because he wouldn’t do that she cried for him. He just sat with the Tv on smoking weed most of the time. I’ve been a blind fool and I let this happen. I have no excuse now.

I feel like I’ve adopted his values and morals so I look at things and assess things through his eyes and what he’s told me instead of my own. They are not my values at all. I remember in the past when I questioned his morals I got a push or a fist up in my face or something thrown or my life threatened or belittled or screamed at etc. I quickly learned to adapt my morals. I must remember them.

Wow.Updates are shocking ...lecture coming in. Because you need reality, I will repeat that you do not know normal yet.

Not Normal
Been asked to leave 2 places tho due to his aggression towards staff members
Right, he can't control aggression around you, or when your daughter is present or around colleagues, she will be on the receiving end of it.

Isn't this a crime?
wouldn’t let me take antidepressants, he enjoyed me suffering
You depressed are easier to abuse and blame and mock.

Normal (but not)
She has never complained about the times she went with him
Daddy shouts when people misbehave, is her understanding. She wouldn't complain if he shouted because that means she has 'deserved' it by misbehaving. You might also be cross with her.

Really shows how you feel responsible for HIS abuse
I tell her no, he and mummy are working towards something because there are certain things that mummy isn’t happy with
NO. NO. NO. The truth is Daddy threw you out and decided to fuck off his access unless he could control you as well. You are not working with him, he is alone and not seeing her through choice.
Seriously this is what you are saying
"Mummy isn't happy with...his abuse, threats to kill, violence, denial of medication, the times he terrified you and then throwing us out" but "mummy is working with him because...you want more abuse, you will tolerate a certain level of abuse? you and he are deciding how close to social services removing her you are willing to get?

Do not take the blame by saying "mummy isn't happy with daddy" or "mummy is working with daddy".
Daddy will be telling her "I'd love to see you but mummy is stopping me" at every opportunity he gets. Liars tell lies.

He created a bond with her for the first two years at my detriment
Apart from this
the rest he left for me so I was always the bad cop So you parented while utterly broken and PND (untreated) Keeping you down and not capable of a genuine smile? Being derogatory/mocking? or not treating her with the same abuse he did you.

Children sometimes feel closer to the abuser because the victim is portrayed as 'bad', sometimes they side with the abuser because he isn't a mess, tired, tearful and terrified. Abusers can seem 'right' and 'adult' to a child watching an abuser with a victim who is a mess.

THIS IS REALLY IMPORTANT
Nasty truth about 4 year olds, they will use any tactic in the book to get what they want. She will have noticed you are uncomfortable and likely more loving and forgiving if she mentions dad.

She wants a toy, you say no, out comes the dad...(Dad will TELL you to get the toy and you will) or (you will feel guilty and get the toy)

She is disciplined, out comes the dad....(Dad will TELL you how wrong you are) or (I will tell dad)

It doesn't sound like she misses him unless it will benefit her. Mine 'missed dad' whenever he was put in his room for misbehaviour. Without fail. No other time

You are now Mummy and DD because dad threw you out or he would kill you. Do not give this child the impression you have any control over her dads behaviour because you do not.
Make it clear, actions have consequences. Daddy can't behave properly and the police would have arrested him if he'd carried on.

Why can't a 4 year old be told a diluted version of the truth? Mine were 4 and 6 when their dad was arrested for kicking in the door, charged with assault, threatening behaviour and threats to kill.
That ALL happened after the split when I was still trying to make contact happen between him and the boys.

mummy’s best friend
She doesn't need a friend. YOU may but it is not to be her! She is not to offer you hankies when you cry or talk about your feelings.

She needs to know that you are her mum.
She needs to look up to you. Trust that you are able to deal with all her fears. Trust that if she misbehaves you will correct her. You will have boundaries and consistent rules, that she's been missing up till now.

Replace best friend with
Mummy's pride and joy, You are the best daughter any mum could wish for. You make mummy so proud.

I really appreciate your honesty. I haven’t been sure what to tell dd. Why I can’t see him for what he really is I don’t know.

He sounds when you say it to be a very destructive man. Is this pre meditative?

Did he want me to destroy myself, to not be alive anymore without having to actually follow through on his threats? Why would someone do that and at the same time act like they love you?

That would involve an awful lot of thinking about you and how you feel. I seriously doubt that's how it goes.

Extreme selfishness and drug addiction explains it all.

Addicts are dicks.

So he might just be a selfish bastard. I was very easy to control after a few initial scares so didnt take much effort. Until the last year when it was make or break for me and I started to fight back, then the do what I want or else appeared more often! Hopefully he will get bored of me soon then.

Instead of trying to get him out of your head bow about you try to get you back in your head?

What were you like before you met him? What kind of person would past-you expect to have become all these years later?

I had just finished a Masters in printed textiles when I met him, I haven’t picked up a pen in about 9 years. I had on operation on my arm a couple of years ago also and I can’t grip properly now anyway. But I do enjoy all aspects of design. I was very arty and bright and kind and way too caring and trusting, must have seem me coming. I could talk for hours, he couldn’t stand me talking.

I don’t need a lot to be happy. He needed a lot of things. I would have been happy with very little, just to have been loved and safe. If I had met someone kind and simple it would have been amazing. I’d love a guest house, do up the rooms unique! I loved doing up the garden and the renovating the house, he hated doing that so he spoilt it.

How will you get those fun parts of your life back?

Time to build a career in design I wonder?

It can be very lucrative in the high tech world.

Why I can’t see him for what he really is I don’t know
Sometimes you can, it's why you left

If you deny a suicidal woman Antidepressants, terrify her, strip away all her confidence and leave her feeling incapable, blame her for being 'mad' and use her lowest moments as proof he was right that you're the psycho, weak shity mum......that is abuse of you and DD.

Why would someone do that and at the same time act like they love you
Because you would have left without the reassuring soothing calm promises and apologies.

Hopefully he will get bored of me soon then
Hopefully, before you realise...
threats to kill,
intimidating/threatening behaviour
, denying you AD
and the terror he's inflicted on DD
and whatever you've still blocked out/ not said
Aggressive at work
..plus the turning up after being told not to by solicitors.

Police would nick this bloke in a heartbeat, my money says he'd attack the copper as well.

Best bit? You won't even feel guilty, you will feel ......nothing, about the shit head who was punching well above his weight with you.

I left because I was at rock bottom and he scared the life out of me. There is this very fine line I’m trying to assess of whether he abused me or I did this to myself. Which I can see he used to tell me, what’s wrong with you he’s always say to me! Then I remember all the things he did for me (which he drilled in to my head that he did) It’s very difficult to not see this helpless little boy who needs my help, that’s what I used to see, was allowed to see. It’s very difficult to accept that for 12 years it was all a lie. I think back at all the times I wish I could leave him, then somehow it twisted round to him wanting to leave me and how I’d grovel on the floor for him to stay...when I didn’t love him deep down!!!!

This was not you OP, it was all him. You're doing so well! You're doing everything right. You're getting support, you're surrounding yourself with people who love you, you're doing the right thing by protecting your daughter- and that's what you're doing, protecting her.

This was not, and is not, your fault OP. Only your cunt of an ex's.

And then there’s the fact that he seems to be 100% fine and made it known to me that he was going to leave me but he felt bad. He was annoyed at first that I left and begged me back, was never going back, then twisted it round that he’s happy I’ve set him free. Me on the other hand is stuck in this cycle. I want to get out of it, I want to hate him but at the moment all I can be is away from him. I bloody hope the hate will come! I get brief moments of hate buts it’s hard to stay there because I’m not a hateful person.

I feel a sting when I think of the disrespect he showed towards me. If I think too much like this I may get stuck in hate for everything.

Most young children love their parents even the worst abusive kind.they dont know what is right.
Ask for some family therapy for dd to help her and support you.
Let him go thru court.
Police to report any time he turns up shouting.

You dont want hate . That will destroy you. You dont want your energy consumed by him.

The goal is indifference to him.

In long term maybe some kind of routine contact with dd but set times.

I didn’t sleep well last night. I’m tired this morning and I remember him always telling me in arguments when I tried to get my self worth across he would respond do you think you are important to me, you are lazy and a parasite and because of this I’ll just not give a s**t about you.

He broke me down until my whole word focused on him and then when I needed some love and support, for example when I had PND or when my dad died he would call me a parasite...... That is so sad for that women, me.

It is sad for that woman @Fightingback16, but you know what? You are not that woman now. You've found your strength, which is an incredible thing.

He's not worth your time, nor your head space; for now, that's an impossible task; but you have your strength now, use it. Everytime you wobble, remember how sad you were for that woman, but remember that you are not her now. You are strong and you're doing what's right for you and your daughter. With time, his voice in your head will get quieter and quieter. I laugh now when I remember some of the shit that's been said to me, it doesn't make me shake now, or wonder if it might be right. I see it for the bullshit it was.

So keep fighting it, you know what he is now, which is shit on your shoe. You are doing the right thing, don't doubt yourself.

I need to work out what happened to me. I can’t carry on as normal when I don’t know what is normal. Ignoring everything just traumatises me even more. I need to know who the monster was I lived with. I need to know why I ran so fast from that house. I need to know why I sent my daughter to him, why I’m sharing a room with her in a house and he is living in the family home and why I’ve been too paralysed to do anything about anything. I can not make sense by blaming myself because I can’t accept it, my brain is protecting me from something that scares me. All I know is there is a monster and I need to protect myself and give my brain a break, it’s just trying to keep me safe, from him and my memories.

I have to think of my brain like a wounded part of me, it sustained many blows. It’s allowed to be hurt.