Feel like husband doesn't care

[Chickencuddle]

Feel like his priorities are football and sex and then the kids and everything else and then me at the bottom. I know I sound like a spoiled brat. But I dont need much. Just feel like he doesnt care about me.
For example I have been very poorly recently ended up in a and e and still feeling very ill on the way home from A and E he grabbed my hand and made me touch his boner. I was like why have you got a boner now. He was just like "can you sort it out for me."
The kids were asleep in the back but could have woken up at any minute. I said no u felt awful and anyway the kids are in the back and it's not right to do hat when they are there.
He was all aww you could just Bob your head down or use your hand and be discreet.
Etc.
I was talking seriously the other day about going back to work to help with Bill's etc. Maybe doing a short course to get back into work. He wasnt really listening and then just said
Aye well you dont have to sell your body in the meantime.
I was like what? As if I would ever do that and I just feel like that's all he thinks I'm good for.
Asked him to watch the kids for an hour the other day because I was feeling so ill I thought I might pass out and he just complained about not being able to watch football.
The only time he hugs me or is nice to me is if he wants something.
Everything is a sexual innuendo and always dry humping me. I just feel like a piece of meat someti.es and just wish he would back off. Let me get better and be caring.
Am I being a brat or what?

It's not "for you". Hes not touching you because he wants to make you feel good, else he would stop straight away when you turn him down.

Hes touching you because he gets off on the feeling of molesting you. It almost makes it creepier than if it were sex. He makes my skin crawl OP.

I dont think waiting until you can save money is an option. You've saved £23 so far which is great, but at that rate you are looking at another ten years.

You need to go and speak to Womens Aid and CAB and ask them concretely: if you left today, how much would you get in benefits, what benefits are they, how long does it take to get them. You will also need to ask them what you can do about housing. You mentioned having two friends you like and trust: do they know everything that is going on?

Op your dh has no respect for you at all. What about YOUR needs. What if you demanded x y and z and when he refused you said ‘well I want it.’
I know it is hard to leave. You are thinking of all the obscures but trust me when you leave the shackles will fall away.
You can move to another area. Your children can move school. You can move to a smaller home. Your dh will not fight you for custody I can guarantee that.
Don’t be one of those women who stays because they don’t want to lower their standard of living, your children will never thank you for that.

As for all this wanting to touch (molest) you. Does he not know no means no.
Would you be happy for someone to do this to your daughter?

There is absolutely no point in paying any attention when your MIL calls your OH a good dad. She is in an abusive relationship too. Your OH is one of the worst dads I can think of. Its sad how much importance you put on any neutral interaction of your OH. He picked you up after you had an accident and sorted out the insurance. It's pretty much the bare minimum you'd expect from a husband and yet you think he's amazing for it.

I hope your eldest tells someone what her home life is like. That poor little girl.

OP what he is getting out of it is having control over you and being able to do what he wants when he wants. You deserve so much better than this and someone who actually respects you

So you left him many times before the kids came along - was at least 8 years ago. You’ve been waiting 8 years for him to change and it hasn’t happened.

So now you are going to wait how many years? Until you have saved up enough money and have a new qualification and a house with the right number of bedrooms. So will that be another 8 or 10 years?

How many years of your children’s childhood will be destroyed while you come up with more reasons ? So far you haven’t even tried to meet up with the person from women’s aid.

You’ve been told several times why they will not get into long discussions by email - it’s for Security reasons.

I’ve posted this before - you will soon have no option. Your children will tell someone from nursery or school and they will refer it to the Health and Social care Trust.

Thanks for all comments. I'm waiting for womens aid lady to message back and see if we can meet up.
If she doesnt message back in next few days I will call again.
It's notthat I didnt try and meet up...they were not meeting up due to covid etc. But now they are and now 2 eldest are back at school and husband back at work I can now try and meet up. Also my friend has offered to be with me so I have a cover story.

Once I can speak through options properly and ask questions then I can plan to leave.

Well done!! Make sure you go, use her as the excuse or I was going to suggest you have a meeting due to your course or something. But that could be used for another time. Explain to her the molesting you in your sleep is getting more frequent. He is abusing you and she will have to get you out ASAP it’s her job to help you. Tell her absolutely everything. It was me who asked what he gets out of it, and my fear was right- he’s not playing with himself and using touching you as like His porn, he’s Lying there ONLY touching you in your sleep, it’s so fkin creepy .. it’s like weirdos that get off in touching dead bodies and stuff, it’s really mentally disturbed! He Knows you can feel it, he’s getting off on your being too afraid of the fall out to bring it up. He’s a big fat bully, honestly I hate him and he’s a stranger to me! Nobody thinks your a wimp, your a better woman than me I think I would have snapped his fingers in the night and blamed it on oh I was asleep how do you know it was me.. dirty perv. Hang in there this will be over soon x

Yeah tbh last night really did creep me out. Afterwards he said "that's what you get" I just feel so horrible. I'm trying not to show any of this and stay the same because it's easier to think of leaving etc when he is being like this. Shouting at kids and being horrible and not listening when I say no to sexual contact. I know if he feels me pulling away he will start being on best behaviour and then it's really hard. But I know now...I've given him enough chances...he will never change.

He will never change, he has deep routed issues. But I totally agree I wouldn’t tell him your intentions as he will do the whole heartbroken begging act making believe he can change and that will make it harder for you. Just keep your cards to yourself and start planning! I think you would get housing benefit so she could help you set a house up, in regards to decorating it Facebook marketplace and stuff are great but also perhaps if your friend could
Make a post on Facebook about a friend who’s let an abusive partner with kids and needs to fill a house it’s happened so many times in my home town And they have so much stuff donated to help the kids start again! Decent stuff aswel! So don’t worry about all that, that’s just details..
Remember how you can’t wait for him to be working Saturday so you and the kids will have a day without him, that relief feeling Will be your life! Xx

‘That’s what you get’ remember that line when you leave him! Twat

OP thanks for taking the time to reply to my comment - I understand what you are looking for better now.

Just wanted to say that I think you are really brave and are doing an amazing job. Keep taking those steps in the right direction. Your husband is a horrible man and you and the kids deserve so much better

Thank you I'm worrying about lots of silly things like leaving behind the kids belongings. Taking photos and baby books. What about my things and sentimental things.
I'm worrying about how to sort contact and what to do.
Worrying about money and school and where we will go.
But most of all worrying about how the kids being worried or scared and confused. So worried about breaking their hearts.

Thanks humpty I'll remember that.

Thank you I'm worrying about lots of silly things like leaving behind the kids belongings. Taking photos and baby books. What about my things and sentimental things

You don’t have to leave this things behind. You can smuggle them out gradually in the days before you leave and they can be at a friends house.

Anything you can’t take on the day - you will go back to the house That evening Or the next day accompanied by the police ( if necessary ) and retrieve all these things.

I’m assuming you can drive.

It’s not silly to worry about these things - they are important to you.

What IS silly is assuming that you can’t have a plan that takes these things into account.

And what’s also silly is putting these things above your own and your children’s safety.

When you meet the person from women’s aid, it will help to be as factual as possible, eg

He rapes me
He sexually assaults me
He calls me degrading names
He shouts at our children and bullies them
He won’t let me go out alone
He won’t let me have money for x
He threatens to do Y

It might help you to write a list.

They are the experts and will be able to decide themselves if it’s all your fault and you are being unfair on him and It’s not really abuse and you are wasting their time etc etc .

The kids won’t be worried because you will tell them that they are going on an adventure, like going on holiday. You won’t tell them until you pick them up from school / nursery on leaving day.

I'm not assuming I cant have q plan in place but I guess Iam worrying atm because I dont. Maybe because I've decided to leave but dont have a plan yet I'm just thinking of lots of things and worrying.
Thank you. I'd like to explain what happening rather than saying "he raoed me. He sexually assaults me. He verbally abused the kids"
Because I would like them to tell me what they think. But maybe thatd not an option.
I'm just waiting for this lady to email back and hopefully be on my way to getting some answers and plans maybe.

Thank you for messaging me and helping. Did you leave an abusive ex? It sounds like you speak from experience.

Start 'decluttering'. Move all your sentimental things into boxes and 'drop off at the charity store', or if you don't drive, get them 'collected by a charity like British Heart Foundation who come to your house' . Basically, get your friends to either hold or connect and hold your stuff for you until you get a new place.
Alternatively, pack it all up 'ready for the charity store' in the attic and then lift it all on the day you leave and bring everything in your moving van to your new place.
Start moving small valuables and passports etc now to your friends. Easy to put in your handbag. If you need to flee at a moment's notice, you've got backup.
Glad to hear you sounding so much more forthright about plans 👍😁

We helped a friend leave her abusive husband and go to a refuge and she did exactly what @Justtryingtobehelpful said.

She cleared out most of the kids toys, spare bedding, spare kitchen items and out of season clothes, all under the guise of spring cleaning / charity shop. They all went into friends’ spare rooms / sheds / basements.

Same with sentimental items like baby photos.

Her husband was always complaining the house was a mess and the kids had too many toys, so that worked well.

On the day of the move we took bigger things like the kids beds and furniture.

Thanks for all the great ideas. I'm sure theres alot I'll have to leave behind but this has reassured me there are ways and means.

Husband has been talking about getting a loan recently. The bounce back loan from the government. It's for small to medium businesses who have been impacted by Coronavirus. No interest for first 12 months. 6 year loan.
He doesnt need it at the moment he was out of work for 5 weeks and made the money back when he went back to work. But he says we could use it in the future for a new van etc.
I kind of said why dont we leave the loan until we need one.but he said it's a good deal and you have to apply before november.
So I was thinking about this today. Thinking if I leave I'll have that debt to repay too wont I.

If it’s a business loan, what does it have to do with you ?

Do you own the company he work for ? If you own it, how can he take the loan ?

You wont be tied to that loan OP, it's for the self employed and you're not a company director alongside him, are you?

Thank you.
The loan is going into our joint bank account that's why I wondered. We bought the business when we sood our precious house. So it was bought with our money (25 grand) but I'm pretty sure the business is just in his name I tried dropping it into conversation before but he ignored me and I didnt want to push it.
Hes already applied for the loan anyway which I didnt know and hes going to england this weekend he says to get the van. So not much I can say anyway.