Feel like husband doesn't care

[Chickencuddle]

Feel like his priorities are football and sex and then the kids and everything else and then me at the bottom. I know I sound like a spoiled brat. But I dont need much. Just feel like he doesnt care about me.
For example I have been very poorly recently ended up in a and e and still feeling very ill on the way home from A and E he grabbed my hand and made me touch his boner. I was like why have you got a boner now. He was just like "can you sort it out for me."
The kids were asleep in the back but could have woken up at any minute. I said no u felt awful and anyway the kids are in the back and it's not right to do hat when they are there.
He was all aww you could just Bob your head down or use your hand and be discreet.
Etc.
I was talking seriously the other day about going back to work to help with Bill's etc. Maybe doing a short course to get back into work. He wasnt really listening and then just said
Aye well you dont have to sell your body in the meantime.
I was like what? As if I would ever do that and I just feel like that's all he thinks I'm good for.
Asked him to watch the kids for an hour the other day because I was feeling so ill I thought I might pass out and he just complained about not being able to watch football.
The only time he hugs me or is nice to me is if he wants something.
Everything is a sexual innuendo and always dry humping me. I just feel like a piece of meat someti.es and just wish he would back off. Let me get better and be caring.
Am I being a brat or what?

Goldfish parade I live in a very rural location. My children go to a little village country school. Theres only 8 in dds class.
There are no houses available round here over been checking for 6 months and nothing has come up here or in the village nearby. So nearest place is about 25 minutes away and kids would probably have to move school and be away from all their friends. Even the town 25 minutes away I've not found anything yet although ibhavnt looked recently. But it's quite hard to come by a house cheap enough with enough rooms and not too far. No idea what I would do if I did find a house as I dont work.
Me and husband have about 2 grand in savings for a holiday. We have about 700 in normal bank account atm.
We only have a few grand in the house and we own a franchise which we bought 4 years ago. But not sure if it's in my husbands name or if my name is on there too. But we bought the business with money from our old house. Come to think of it I think it's just in my husbands name. Car and van are in his name too.
I dont have any family at all but I have 2 friends who kind of know and would help me I think.
I dont work at all. I'm starting a classroom assistant course and will be doing work experience 2 mornings ar a school but obviously it's not paid

I'm scared of it going to court and it being my word against his. Would they speak to the kids about it. What happens if I try to take them away and then theres not enough evidence?

@Chickencuddle
For you to have the best chance of starting afresh, getting the support you need, making new friends and having lots of access to different training options, your best bet would be a city (doesnt have to be inner city) or a town. What do you think of that? If you try and visualise a new life without him, just you and the kids, what are you seeing? Is there any place in particular that appeals, somewhere where you have a few connections maybe, or somewhere that makes you feel positive? If not a particular place, then a setting even? Rural? Town? Suburbs? City? What do you reckon?

There will be knowledgeable people on to help you with your worries about court and the kids and benefits you could be entitled to. But I think it might be nice, as well as thinking about the practicalities of your situation, to start allowing yourself to fantasise a little. Start piecing together a picture of what your ideal life could look like.

You are definitely sounding much stronger than your initial few posts. You can do this love

Tbh I prefer rural or near the sea big towns and cities can panic me a bit.
I love where we live now. But I would move to nearest town if I found something suitable. Which is about a 25 minute drive away (on 60 roads with no traffic) anything around there would be fine but I dont really want to move any further away. I have no family and everyone I know lives round here.

Sorry my last message was so abrupt thank you so much for your help and kindness I really do appreciate it.
I'm just rushing to type fast and log off before he comes in again.

You don’t need that many rooms - your children are all under 6, they can easily share a room if they have to. A two bed would do in the short term, although a 3 bed would be better obv.

You apply for benefits to live on if you are not working.

On the day you leave you take ALL the money from all the accounts - about £3000. Then when you see a solicitor about the divorce that will be balanced against all the other assets that your Husband has kept, like the car and van and his pension.

Women’s aid will help you will the legal stuff and work out a plan to get the children’s belongings.

Hmm yeah I think 3 bed realistically especially as fitting beds in etc. All their belongings.
How do you get furniture and get everything set up. Or even apply for housing with no job.
Also I couldn't just clear out all that money and leave him with nothing to live off.
And what about me having a car to drive?

And my eldest is 7. Ds is 5 and dd is almost 2. Sorry to come up with things I'm just worrying about how to do this with as little trauma to the children as possible and to be able to take care of them and keep them happy.

Women’s aid will help you make a plan.

They won’t discuss much with you by email and they have no idea who they are talking to. Even on the phone you could have him listening in.

Lots of men try to find out about refuges so they can go there and attack their ex or other women, so they have VERY high security.

All these practical issues can be worked around. The biggest problem is that you don’t really want to leave him, I don’t think . Or maybe it’s better to say that you are not yet ready to leave ?

You can’t threaten to leave and then not do so. Some women think they can do this and it will make him change and treat them better. In fact it’s the opposite - it’s makes them a lot worse. That’s the most likely time for women and their children to be killed.

So please don’t even think of making threats.

No I think that's what's holding me back
I would never threaten to leave if I want about to. I need to know what's going to happen and how I can afford it and how I can keep my children safe and happy and that's the problem I dont know this yet. So yes i want to leave..but at the same time I'm not ready and i guess when it comes down to it and it feels real it feels scary because there is no going back

I completely get that it must all seem really scary and hard to know where to start but I think the first thing you should think about is speaking to someone about it. If you’re able to contact Women’s aid again on the phone maybe they could explain a bit better than by email?

I did do that. And got assigned someone to help but due to covid and husband being at home I couldn't speak on the phone and do via email there was little to no support.
I feel bad asking for help when in bot in danger and things arent too bad. What would I say? I find it ok to explain what has happened during the day on here and express that i dont like it. But how do I speak to womens aid about it. Will they really think its abuse or that I need help or am i taking up their valuable time when they could be helping people in danger.

This honestly is awful. I am so, so, so sorry that you have gone through this. Citizens advice would be a good first step. I’m so sorry and wish I could help you more. You seem like a very strong woman to have gone through this for years, please consider taking the final step of leaving him.

Get out

Being cruel here - you have come up with some weak excuses

Also your DD is not even two yet and he is being that cruel to her
Ah my god I could cry

So many good people around to help you

Imagine the peace and comfort

For me it was sleeping in my own bed and NOT being hit and whacked by him during my sleep

You sound like a lovely mum in all the ways that you try to stick up for these innocents while he is being a bas---

Now is time to go!!!!!!!you can do this ❤️❤️❤️❤️

Yes it’s abuse and no you are not wasting their time. Rape and sexual assault are criminal offences.

You Need to find an excuse to get out and phone them. Your local pharmacy might have a room you could use.

Or say you have a doctor or dentist appointment. Or you are going to see a friend.

Not much of an update and I'm sure everyone will think I'm a wimp for not just leaving but I need to know the implications and how I'm going to do this financially and make sure the children arent 0ut through too mich turmoil. So I emailed the support worker I was assigned from womens aid a while ago. I will wait for her to email back. Also over the last few weeks/month I've been saving a tiny bit here and there. Keeping it in sone rolled up socks at back of drawer. So far I have £23 not much but better than nothing. Will neel saving and get some advice.

Sorry for all typing errors

No one thinks you’re a wimp OP. I think you are an incredibly strong person coping like you are. I hope you are able to speak to the person from women’s aid soon and get some further information and support.

This reminds me of all those MN threads where the man does something horrid, then sulks for days until the woman apologises.

Only he's doing it to his daughter. He shouted at her for 'spending too long in the sweet shop' and then made her apologise. And he got angry when he wouldn't let her tell him about McDs... and again she had to apologise.

It's abuse, and it's teaching her very bad things about pacifying angry men.

Been following this thread since the beginning and I’m rooting for you OP. Your husband is a terrible person and you and your poor lovely children owe him nothing.

In the gentlest possible way, though, you say you need more advice - what do you need advice on? Have a look back through the thread and the links given by previous posters, or ask us. You have been given lots of advice here and I hope you’ll soon be in a position to take it.

In summary though:
YES this is abuse
YES he can help it - he just chooses not to
YES this will be harming your kids
YES you can do this - you are a good person and kind and intelligent

NO it’s not you
NO he won’t change or stop
NO you don’t need money to be able to leave

Would that be classed as emotional abuse. What would happen if I told someone that do you think? Because these are things that happen all the time st the moment.

Thanks screenburn
Well I just guess I dont know what to do? I'm not going to a refuge so if I want to get a house I need to save some money and get all the information and advice from womens aid with regards to benefits and maybe council houses or whatever I honestly dont know what to do for the best and if I speak to someone I can talk then through what's happening and all my worries and concerns and what's best for the kids and they can give me that advice and information and talk me through it. It's just so overwhelming and I imagine if I had family I would have gone by now because I would have had someone to back me or a safety net is one way to put it. But I dont have that. And again if i didnt have the mids I would have left. I did many times when we were together prior kids. But I csnt just leave not knowing where I am going or how I am going to support my children. I need a plan in place and the best plan for everyone.
So hence I've messaged the support worker from WA and saving money here and there where I can.

OP you need to meet with the support worker like they suggested. They can't do it all on email, there is too much to go through, too much back and forth messaging (plus your husband is now reading your emails anyway).
Find whatever excuse you can and go meet with her. The fact you can't even go out to meet with her without being badgered is a problem in itself. She will be able to see first hand what you're dealing with when your phone starts blowing up.
Find an excuse to the park or play area, let your kids have fun, and meet with her and talk. Arrange it at a time where you know your husband is busy and can't come.

Come on OP the more excuses you make, the more you allow this to happen.
Those at women's aid have limited time and resource, so you do need to meet in the middle a little if you want something

Dontjump. That's what I emailed to ask. If I could meet her and get some support and help.

Someone asked a few pages back what husband gets out of touching me in the night. I dont know why he does it or what he gets out of it. But it happened again last night again.
I was busy last night I put all 3 kids to bed then went downstairs and cleaned and did ironing. I didnt go to bed until 11.30 and was exhausted. Husband tried touching me straight away and I said sorry but I'm just so tired I'm going straight to sleep. He kept on doing it and I kept protesting and pushing his hands away. Putting my hands there so he couldn't get to me. He just pulled them away. I got annoyed and told him I said no and to stop I needed to sleep. He stopped but every time I started drifting off he would start again and he whole thing would start again. This went on for an hour he persisted for. (I was being stubburn) i kept saying i dont want to and he kept saying things like "well I do. I need this!" he then started getting a bit annoyed saying things like "we could be done by now." "If you just let me you could be sleeping by now. Come on"
I knew I wouldnt get sleep until I let him so again in the end I let him. But I was pissed off and I didnt get to sleep until 1.30
I'm always up all night with youngest as she is an awful sleeper and up early with all of them so I'm just exhausted and I feel like something's clicked and he is going to start doing it alot more frequently now. I can just tell by the way he is

By the way not full sex he just wants to touch me. So I often feel like how can I say anything or be angry when he isnt getting anything out of it. Hes doing it "for me" but at the same time it's not for me and last night I kept saying I dont want it I just want to sleep and he just kept saying "well I do. I need it." So it's not really for me. But i was awake last night wondering why and what he gets out of it.