Feel like husband doesn't care

[Chickencuddle]

Feel like his priorities are football and sex and then the kids and everything else and then me at the bottom. I know I sound like a spoiled brat. But I dont need much. Just feel like he doesnt care about me.
For example I have been very poorly recently ended up in a and e and still feeling very ill on the way home from A and E he grabbed my hand and made me touch his boner. I was like why have you got a boner now. He was just like "can you sort it out for me."
The kids were asleep in the back but could have woken up at any minute. I said no u felt awful and anyway the kids are in the back and it's not right to do hat when they are there.
He was all aww you could just Bob your head down or use your hand and be discreet.
Etc.
I was talking seriously the other day about going back to work to help with Bill's etc. Maybe doing a short course to get back into work. He wasnt really listening and then just said
Aye well you dont have to sell your body in the meantime.
I was like what? As if I would ever do that and I just feel like that's all he thinks I'm good for.
Asked him to watch the kids for an hour the other day because I was feeling so ill I thought I might pass out and he just complained about not being able to watch football.
The only time he hugs me or is nice to me is if he wants something.
Everything is a sexual innuendo and always dry humping me. I just feel like a piece of meat someti.es and just wish he would back off. Let me get better and be caring.
Am I being a brat or what?

Jeez you are so ground down and gaslighted that you don’t even see the true level of his abuse. You have become totally conditioned by him. You keep questioning and blaming yourself. You convince yourself he’s not that bad and that you are helpless. You are not. Speak to women’s aid ASAP. Do the freedom program. There’s no point on keep posting the same questions on MN and expecting Different answers. The only person that can change any of this is you.

Not really.
Just today I've been thinking how the kids are loving him atm. They are always "daddy look at this.."
"Daddy can you play with me"
Definitely dont think they are scared of him. They dont hold back when it comes to tantrums. He has that outburst about dds sweets etc the other day. Then been nice as pie since.
Although tonight he did accuse me of cheating on him with someone. But I get that's not his fault. He doesnt trust me and has good reason.

Also not expecting different answers. I am feeling alot different now than what I did the first time I posted on this thread. I think I'm just posting on here because I cant talk about it irl and I think if I didnt write it down or speak to someone then I would eventually just convince myself all was ok and go back to the start (which is what I have done before)
I just post on here to get my thoughts out and to speak to people about it. I have alot in my head atm. Writing on here helps me think and focus on different points.
Sorry it must be frustrating for people who want me to do things the way they would...but the problem is I am not them. I am me. I dont think you can understand what it is like to have a absolutely noone. Not even a cousin or a sibling or a super close friend and to also be dealing with this amongst other things. No job no money etc. I'm sorry I am not a strong person.

I will google that now thank you.
I have found it hard to get support from womens aid atm due to covid. It seems to be mostly for emergencies. But maybe things have changed from a few months back.
I just always feel like I'm making a big deal of things in my head and over reacting and then I see how normal he is alot of the time and I think oh he just lost his temper I'm sure lots of other dads do it too. He isnt physically hurting them in any way.
I dont like his parenting methods but is it actually abusive. His dads wife said controlling but hes a good dad.
I've had friends tell me he is controlling but also that I should try to make it work.
It would be good to speak to someone and maybe make a list of everything past and present and get a definite answer. Face to face I can explain how it was said etc.
He has also changed alot...sometimes I think I should give him time to change fully.
But anyway thanks I'll google now.

Writing this for me just to keep track of my thoughts etc

He has been really nice recently. Speaking nicely. Smiley. More laid back. I've found myself relaxing a bit more. Feeling a bit happier.
Then last day or two he has made some sexual comments. Sexual innuendos. Grabbed my bum hard with 2 hands and was squeezing and saying "I know it's not appropriate but your arse looks great in that"
I find myself just freeze. I feel panic inside. Feel like I want to run away. but I dont show it.its just all inside. Putting the kids to bed before and he was lay on the bed in the other room. I go in to ask him something and as I am trying to talk to him he is just repeatedly thrusting his hips upwards. It makes me feel uncomfortable.
He said yesterday about there being a big hole in his life and that he thinks about sex every day but he doesnt want it with me atm. I said does that mean you want it with someone else. He said "I'm not thinking that"
I dont really know how I feel about it all so just writing down what I can.
I feel like a massive prude. Everything about sex atm I dont like. I think i have issues. It feels like too much. I feel like I've been used by so many men throughout my life for sexual reasons. Sexually abused at home. My uncle was also inappropriate with me. I baby sat some children at the age of 15 and the dad kept groping me and tried to snog me. A man followed me home from the bus one day and only left me alone because the bus driver got off when he saw and came to help me.
My first boyfriend pressuring me for sex over and over. I didnt give in so he dumped me (I was 14)
So many other things from different people many not major but just feel sick to death of being used for mens sexual needs.
People probably think I'm crazy and a prude but that's how I feel right now

I don’t think you are crazy or a prude. I think it’s 100% ok for you to feel the way you do.

It's not primarily your issues that make you turned off at the thought of sex. You probably do have trauma but you would feel sooo much better if you weren't with a man who sexually assaults/abuses you. You would feel able to relax in your own space. And would never have to stand for how he's treating you again from any man. Men can be awful- the first sign of wrongness we can bin them though, before we get too involved financially etc.

You're not a prude, hardly anyone would want to shag him if he acted this way with them. You're not crazy either.

I hope you're able to get some professional support, maybe therapy etc somehow to help you leave. x

Thank you. I do feel like a weirdo though because I feel like I clam up at the mere mention of sex when other people are talking about it I cant even joke about it. I wasnt like this until we had a discussion about it and it's like now Its unlocked something.

Do you think you have felt like that since coming on here and people telling you that he raped you? Because you didn’t feel like it was rape at the time, so perhaps seeing so many people put it in black and white sparked something in your head, and now your uncomfortable around him? I honestly think it’s normal how you feel though, I don’t know any women who would laugh at that kind of attention and innuendos etc around the kids. I honestly believe you are completely
Normal here and it’s his behaviour that is very strange for a grown man x

Just read your other post about all the men incidents in your life.. there’s no wonder you clap up at the mention of sex. You have had so many times in your life where sexual things have been negative. I really think some kind of counselling would help you, come to terms with things and how to cope day to day with the feelings. Bless you, certainly doesn’t help that the man you love and married and trust then did that to you and abuses you in your sleep etc.. that’s not going to make you feel safe.

Thank you. Sometimes I feel like I should try counselling but I dont have time or anyone to take the kids and money etc.
Sometimes things just feel all on top of me I think last might I was feeling that I was feeling really angry at all men but everything feels better after a sleep.

Glad your feeling better today. Also if you go through your drs counselling doesn’t cost. I’ve done it before. It definitely
Helps, even if It’s somebody to talk to. Tell your dr how your feeling etc and they will refer you, tell your husband that you think you need help coping with past trauma And that you are going counselling and then he can help with the kids or get his family too etc. Hope you have a nice day x

My heart goes out to you OP.My dh has treated me like a piece of meat for many years.To start with I was glad we had a great sex life.Then in later years he used to talk about me being dried up in front of the dcs when I lost my sex drive.More recently I have noticed he is only nice before sex then goes back to spending more time with his mates.
I can't imagine being treated with kindness or looked after aside from sex.I lost respect for him ages ago.

Thanks humpty I have spoken to my husband about me going to counselling recently. He wasnt too happy but in the end agreed it I really need it we can "think" about it. It's so hard to speak to doctors atm due to covid. And tbh I'm not sure if I should if we split up in future it's going to look better for him being mentally stable and he cab argue I'm not if I'm in therapy of some sort. He was just talking today about people with a mental illness being unstable. We know someone who is currently anorexic and he was going on and on about how she probably is doing it for make attention and sone guys like that but some are just weirdos. Then started going on about how she does it all for status and likes on instagram and shes mentally unstable. I said I didnt think we could say that we dont even really know her personally and you're implying that she isnt safe or something but he said you cant trust anyone with a mental illness etc. He is set in his beliefs/thoughts. If I ever disagree it just turns into a huge lecture and he gets more and more wound up so I've just learnt to let things go.

Whatsforteamum I'm so sorry. that's awful he said those things and treated you that way. I dont want it to come across that way for me because he does sometimes care for me without expecting sex. Like when I crashed he came to pick me up and dropped me off home. He sorted the insurance etc

On the phone today I said I fancied chips for dinner. He said "oh you dirty girl..." I did the freezing thing again. Like an absolute loser. I went silent. He said "dirty girl wanting chips"
I dont like it. It makes me feel like before. I dont know how to explain it really but I just have that frozen feeling.

Sorry I didnt explain any of that well at all.

@Chickencuddle I'm sure a lot of us have been there to some extent and understand. I mean, you can't even like the idea of chips for tea without him making it a way to try and sexually interpret you. It's just bits of potato. It's particularly wrong in a way in that chips are so innocent. Young children like them.

His words are like a harbinger of sexual assault. It's a threat (well, an intimation) really as he's calling names, implying you're a certain kind of 'girl' who in his mind deserves a certain thing.

I've said something before when he turns something normal into something sexual because it used to be all the time. I said I didnt like it but then he made out that I wasnt normal for feeling like that. And that I was being unreasonable and it was sad for our relationship. It caused such an atmosphere so it's not worth saying anything to.

Set up a maths app for my dd on OHs old phone which we now use as a kids phone for apps etc.
My email was logged in on 3 different pages/screens....I cant remember the last time I used that phone other than to put a game on or some music or something for the kids. I never thought he would read my emails in secret or do anything in secret really and I still cant really believe it. I feel like it must have been me but I cant remember ever having logged into my email on that phone.
I dont want to jump to conclusions though and blame him (even just in my head) because I could be wrong. But it's made me a little wary.

Honestly OP... How many red flags do you want before you decide enough is enough?

You're literally being conditioned to not say anything negative to him because of the atmosphere. So he gets his way and what he wants. Everytime. Because standing up to him is too difficult and is emotionally taxing. You walk on egg shells every time, God forbid you put a step in the wrong direction that he doesn't like.

If your husband doesn't make you happy, why is he still here?!

Oh god, He sounds so immature! No I completely get the freezing thing because even reading it makes me cringe I would be like ??? What the fk are you on about mate, how can you try and make chips sexual?! Seriously what is wrong with him. He’s def been reading your emails too, if you get any emails from Mumsnet about this thread then change your password again. I do think one day you will just think sod this and go, sometimes it’s the straw that broke the camels back! In regards to his views on mental health that’s standard manipulation knowing you have mentioned counselling before, my friends husband used to say similar and make out he was talking about a friend’ And so on. However, I have had depression, anti depressants on my record and counselling (for a different issue) and none have affected me When it came to child custody. They just Want you to think it would! Half the population have some kind of mental illness practically in some form! And he definitely does, sexcasearitus!! Also men like to try and make you think they would go for custody.. but when reality hits that they wouldn’t be able to work, would have to do the school runs, homework, dinner, baths everyday, etc.. the idea soon turns to dust. Hang in there x

Dontjump I read your comment yesterday and it really stuck with me because I'm not happy...so I thought about your question. Why am I still there. I think theres lots of reasons. I think some of them are selfish and I think some of them are unselfish. I think I'm also all mixed up and confused and my head is torn in two with part of me telling me I'm stupid and it's all me and I am making a big deal out of it and i would be silly to throw this away as I'll never have anything better than what I have now. The other half is telling me I'd be better on my own.
I think reasons are that we have been together so long. Since i was 17. I'm now nearly 31. We have been through everything together. He was there for me when I was in foster care etc. I feel like he is a part of me no matter what happens. I think he is the only person to have ever loved me.
I also selfishly think alot about the fact I'll lose the only family I have...my inlaws and I would be close to his sister and his stepmum especially. Breaks my heart that I might not speak to them again.
I wouldnt be a part of the big family things. They would be meeting up and doing things. Going on holidays. Big christmases all together. Then it's just me on my own. Alot less money and things and people I mean what will the kids prefer.
Totally selfish.
But the other reason is the kids. I dont want to break their hearts or tear the family apart and cause hurt and upset and I wont be there to protect them or "soften the blow" every day he has off he is so harsh and I will always step in and tell him when he over steps etc and be there to hug and dry tears and stop things or prevent it escalating. I dont know how things would be if I'm not there.
Example: today in the car we went on a long journey and needed food for the kids. He said "maybe we can go to macdonalds"
As expected there was an uproar of happy cheers. Kids were excited.
Then he started saying "oh I'm not sure we will find one though. I dont know if there is one." Etc etc over and over again.
We were in a city so there were a few nearby and he knew it. Dd kept saying "there is daddy insane one just a minute ago" (she had actually pointed it out to me) I agreed.
But he kept on going on"no no I dont think there is one."
He wasnt listening and just saying that over and over so dd got annoyed and shouted "THERE IS DADDY!"straight away he roared at her "DO NOT SHOUT AT ME. SHOW SOME RESPECT" she started crying because he shouted and said he didnt listen to her. He kept shouting saying her attitude stinks. Shes a spoilt brat. Etc
I butted in saying "do not call her that please. She is not a spoilt brat and that's not nice to say" he said "she is what else should i call her."
I said shes our daughter and you should never call her that. I can understand why she got frustrated and shouted she said it several times and you kept talking over the top of her and saying that.
But if I ever say anything he just brushes it off and h3s like "oh let's not keep going on about it. Let's just get there now"
But he kept going on and on about getting an apology off dd and he made her apologise before he would get her macdonalds.
I mean fair enough if she just shouted out of the blue but it's like he wound her up on purpose.

He kept on top of her all day. We went for a walk and every time she stopped to pick up a leaf or look at a flower he would be all "dont stop. Keep moving. No stopping. Your delaying us. "
Etc it made it no fun. I said she could stop and play along the way as we walked she didnt have to just keep walking and not look at things. But then I feel bad I'm going against him but at the same time I hyst dont agree with him and think its miserable for the kids.
All day dd didnt want to be near him and kept crying when he kept on at her. He also yelled at ds for stepping in the tiniest shallower puddle and roared so loud he made him jump and cry. Like everything is just such a big deal and dramatic and it's like we are all having to tiptoe about sometimes.
But then we got home. I got dd2 to sleep. Before I went up I said I've promised the kids hot chocolate before bed any chance you could make it. He said no...no hot chocolate before bed.
Then I came down after spending time settling dd2 and he was lay on the couch watching football and asked me to go get hot chocolate for them. Then get them to sleep.
I just feel like he is ok if he has his own way and all his plans go according to plan and the kids comply. But the minute things are different from what he planned everything kicks off.
More to wrote but will do it in a minute as he is coming up

He is emotionally abusing your children, seemingly especially your DD. He's kind of torturing her. If you stay with him she will be damaged. I can promise you that.

He's a dick OP. I hope you're ok