The Happy Singleton- Part Two

[mildlymiffed]

Ta-dah! Welcome to all our happily (sometimes, admittedly, less so!) single peeps! All welcome, whether your recently singled or a long-term singleton.

We've got this solo thing sorted (-ish!)

@misty9 do your thang!

@LiddyJim I think it sounds like you are obsessing again about him. This isn't good for your mental health. Start focussing more on your well being, baby steps etc so that not everything in your life revolves around him.

Maybe go running, get fitter, declutter, read, cook, anything to get the focus back on yourself. Don't torture yourself. This thread is for being happy in yourself, you can do it!

I know I was obsessing and it feel so compulsive sometimes like I don’t want to stop it because then it means it really is finished. I know he got up this morning and thought about me and I thought about him. It’s just going to take time to stop thinking about each other.

I didn’t do anything about it though. I didn’t act on it. I did the painting project I planned and I have plans to talk to my friends this evening

Thanks for the birthday wishes for dd. Her brother did his best to ruin it this morning but then she and I had some lovely time without him. She had a great day I hope. I took her back to her dad's this afternoon and had a good cry when I got home as it physically hurts to be apart from her on her birthday but that feeling is less strong a few hours on thankfully. Its easy to feel I've failed them by splitting with their dad, but it couldn't have gone any other way I know.

Group video call with friends, wine, and a film tonight lockdown day 25 and counting!

Hi everyone. I have written two big posts and the fucking app ate them! Hope you are all ok?

@Misty9 glad your DD had a good birthday. I bet it's one she remembers as an adult and you'll wonder why you shelled out on parties on other years Solidarity on having an ND kid who can be a little turd at times. My DD has ASD and sometimes I could quite simply drop kick her across the room with the attitude. And the meltdowns are horrific. I am trying to teach her coping skills and she is mortified afterwards, but it isn't easy is it? There seems to be this expectation that as we are their parents and they can't help it, we must always be patient and never get angry. Which is bollocks. Sometimes it sucks. And if we don't get angry, then they will have a rude awakening when they get out into the largely NT world, and realise they don't get cut any slack. Glad you have a lovely evening to look forward to.

@Eesha have you heard from Mr Hot? He doesn't seem as if he is good enough for you, to me at least. I don't know why, but it's just a feeling I get.

@LiddyJim you are bound to be sad and finding it hard and hurtful. You wouldn't have loved him otherwise. But it will get easier every day. Try not to read everything as having a hidden meaning. Blokes in general are pretty basic. They don't really do hidden meanings. And you can drive yourself bonkers with it but you will still never know. Glad you are sleeping better and that you got your painting done. I bet you are remembering loads about your ex now that was bad in hindsight. Stick with it and the hurt will ease sooner than you think.

I have had a chat with sexy neighbour. We are definitely just going to be mates. We are too close now and the moment has passed. Plus, he has a strangely hairless chest which gives me the ick!

I don’t have experience of ASD with my children it must be hard. Mine are older now and they celebrate with their friends and not so much me anymore. I used to love doing their birthdays when they were little

Yes how is it going Eesha?
Some men are sexy but doesn’t mean it is a sexual thing I think, just you acknowledge they have something about them

I wish I could say he is a simple basic normal bloke. But he’s a manipulative game player and I know he does a lot of things in a calculated way. And I am scared of him perhaps a little bit as well as missing part of him. So today he woke up and made a point of deleting me from an app I hadn’t posted on in weeks so nothing was in his feed so nothing prompted this he went out of his way to do it. I think he wants me to react and not forget his presence and make a point that he left me (when I left him) and my reaction was to be upset. So he got what he wanted. I’m aware he will rewrite it all to his own narrative and I can’t care about it.

@LiddyJim at least you are aware of his manipulation. He is trying to control you without even being there, by doing stuff to trigger your emotions. Which shows what a nasty bastard he is. Most people worry about not hurting the other person in a split. He isn't. He is actively trying.

You can't control what he does but you are in charge of how you react to it, in terms of what you tell yourself when he does it. Sounds like it will help you a lot when you find your anger at him doing this to you.

Talking to my friends tonight and they pointed out that they noticed he tried to intrude or ruin my night every time I went out. Either he would be in a good mood and then spend all night texting and calling in a lovebomb way to distract me or he would go into punishment mode and vanish with his phone off making me worry. They also noticed that around the time I got very upset about his behaviour and we had a big row and I called him out and said I didn’t trust him, he hid his friends list on social media. Silence was his ultimate punishment for me and I never knew what I had done. So I assume cheating to be honest now

At least I have none of that to worry about anymore. I have felt uneasy about whether he does watch what I do online more than he ever let on or whether I am completely imagining it all like he told me I was

My friends hate him and they would not support me if I ever went back to him so that is incentive enough

I’m not finding it hard day to day now just the weird and random thoughts I don’t know how to manage when I feel like I am getting obsessive again. There is only so much distraction I can do in lockdown

Thanka for the solidarity @SirChing it is very reassuring that you also feel the urge to drop kick your ND child at times! And yes, the attitude! Sadly ds doesn't really show much remorse. Or actually that's unfair - he does sometimes apologise but I'm usually too wound up still and I also don't believe in apologising when you don't actually know what you're apologising for... I certainly wasn't cutting him any slack, unlike his bloody father. Sexy neighbour sounds like a good un. I don't mind a hairless chest

I've had a few matches on tinder after reactivating my profile. But no messages and what's the point, really?

Sleep well all

@LiddyJim I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this :(. He sounds like textbook abuser. Listen to @SirChing, she’s right, when you find your anger you’ll start healing. In the meantime, what worked for me was having self compassion, literally, being kind to myself.
@Misty9 a very happy birthday to your little girl! Don’t feel bad (easy to say), I had to split my DD’s birthday with exH for about 4-5 years now. My DD never had a hired hall type of birthday, I’m from the continent and we don’t do that. We always celebrate at home, on the day, with children and grown ups, open door policy. She’s born in the summer, always gorgeous weather on her birthday. These days it tends to be sleepovers and birthday breakfast, she wakes up to bunting and balloons and decorations. It feels weird seeing her reach for the cafetière though 😂. Then she normally goes to her dad’s and celebrates with him and his mother, and I’m left to take the decorations down and it breaks my heart a little, feels weird not having her for the whole day. And I feel for her having to go through the stark contrast of lots of people around the table, front door open, lots of colour and music and laughter, trays and trays of food to a very reserved formal dinner with her dad and granny. Still. She’s happy.
You’re very brave going OLD 😂, there is no way in hell I’ll ever be brave enough.
@Sirching, how do you know he’s got a hairless chest 😂😂😂😂😂.

What are you all up to today? My mad teenager has taken the dog for a long walk to a nearby hill. I’m enjoying a coffee in peace and quiet.
I planned a ‘walk’ at lunchtime myself, I’m taking a picnic and the bike, the dog will be too tired for another long outing. I’m about to make a bread.
Freezer food tonight :)

@LiddyJim @SirChing thanks for checking in! Mr HotandYoung messaged me a lot yesterday then a good morning and nice message today but then nothing in response to mine back! I feel a bit like I'm being breadcrumbed. On the plus note, I have a new iron who seems quite dishy and fun to chat with! Mr Frenchy.

@BuddhaAtSea aww that sounds like you've got a very happy and well adjusted daughter. I at least took the decorations to exh house as that's what she wanted (and put them up - he's useless) although there are a couple of sad looking balloons today.

Today I'm finally getting down to some work and writing a report about someone's awful childhood where they were completely let down by services so that's making me feel grateful at least! Having a quick lunch break and then back to it, might go for a bike ride later as it's gorgeously sunny here. Am enjoying the peace after my days with the dc, but I know that will turn to loneliness tomorrow. But that's OK.

Happy Sunday all

I’ve had a very productive day today. Got a lot of projects and jobs done. Hope you all did too. Any downtime I get some sad thoughts of him creep in which is annoying me now. I’m also avoiding talking to my family. I’m lonely but I want to be alone.

Glad you had a better day yesterday @LiddyJim

How is everyone getting on? My back is killing me from laptop working so I need to get a riser etc I think. I've found two houses I really like the look of this evening but I'm not sure what's happening with viewings currently. Probably why they're still for sale! I've fed myself properly today so that's a positive. Not a lot else going on in my life 😂

Hi all! Hipe you are all ok? It's been gorgeous here today and we had a lovely walk followed by blobbing in front of the telly. What have you all been up to?

@LiddyJim, glad you are feeling a bit better. It will keep getting easier over time

@Misty9 so much solidarity with the attitude! I do have to disagree with the hairless chest thing. He has a bit of a gut so looked like a giant toddler (he put a photo of himself doing a jokey strip thing on Facebook). He told me today he had shaved it. I advised him never to do that again. Only ripped men look ok smooth but I never fancy ripped men any way. Beer guts all the way for me! Hope the report was ok and that your back is better soon. Glad you are eating well. Definitely have viewings. It's a buyers market at the moment isn't it?

Hi @BuddhaAtSea! Your Sunday sounded idyllic. Like something from a novel based around a lady who owns a tea room or something. Very envious of the bread making ability.

Yoo hoo @Eesha, you have a PM m'dear x

Lockdown result: DD has been nursing a blister on her foot and wishing it got better so she can go for a long walk again 😂😂😂. That’s from a teenager who hasn’t willingly been for a walk since she was a toddler. And was saying just how much she misses swimming 😮. Before all this, I used to swim 2-3 times a week. I always invited her along. She hasn’t been swimming once in the past 4 years. Thank god for lockdown I say, it makes her appreciate all this and hopefully she’ll take up sports again.
About to get ready to start the day, I’m still enjoying my coffee.
Hope you all have a good one :)

I’m having a bad week which is not related to my ex at all. I’ve removed all methods of communication now I think as well. I am doing much better but feeling stressed in other ways now.

@LiddyJim feel free to vent. Hoping your week starts to pick up

How are you all getting on? Part of me is jealous I'm not in lockdown with a partner and big family (its just me and DD) then another part of me is delighted I'm not stuck inside with a man who irritates me! Anyone else feel like this?

I’m struggling yes with that part of it. No one to call if I need any help, or just to cry to or to cheer me up. My children are not always helpful in an adult way. They will do things they see fit but they are not always the things I need. But agree I know ex would have irritated me within 1 day and been just as unhelpful. I don’t believe all men are that way though but accept it might not be likely I will ever meet one

Yes I find it hard too, although my FWB hinted that he should have moved in with me for lockdown, most definitely not!

@Rainydayss I think it's great being in lockdown when you are happy with that person. My sibling is like this and loving it but in my mind, im filled with gratitude that I'm not with my nutjob ex!!!

How is everyone today? I don't even know which day we are at. The kids are painting and I'm coating myself in coconut oil to improve my horrid leg state. Also attempting to make sausage rolls so a very high day day . Hope everyone is keeping their spirits up!

Hi all hope you are well. I am still doing ok. I do feel differently as the days go by so time is a healer. Not as sad. I also now have less feelings of ever wanting to forgive him or make excuses. I haven’t checked him online for days now either. Mental health is getting better

I've also just made sausage rolls! Trying to juggle school work and my job too, what fun....
@LiddyJim glad you are doing ok, once you realise the reality of what he's like then there will be no going back and you'll know you're worth so much more.

I wrote myself a list of all the things I don’t like about him and I read this a couple of times a week. I think my feelings are more just trauma from the whole experience itself. The cruel rejection part.

I’m being productive but I’m probably still drinking too much alcohol. I did cut it back but it keeps creeping up. It’s not even that much it’s just a glass here a glass there it’s so easy to do.

Today I am working and trying to catch up on what I had missed out by not being able to focus for so long. I want to spend some time with my children but they are not being very sociable

Evening all. Doing okay here although dd is really struggling with lockdown and is a lot more clingy than normal. Ds is his ever challenging self so it's been a trying day. I've been watched the sewing bee this evening and I'm inspired! Decided to get all the outgrown clothes out tomorrow and have some transformation challenge fun with dd

I was getting a bit worried about my sanity earlier as I seemed to have forgotten how to have a conversation... But after practising with a few friends on a socially distanced chatting walk around their homes, it came back. Phew!