The Happy Singleton- Part Two

[mildlymiffed]

Ta-dah! Welcome to all our happily (sometimes, admittedly, less so!) single peeps! All welcome, whether your recently singled or a long-term singleton.

We've got this solo thing sorted (-ish!)

@misty9 do your thang!

@LiddyJim i started going on dates about 8months after my split but ended up seeing one as a FWB. He is a bit of a mess mentally and very emotionally unavailable but we do have fun together when we see each other. I'm sure I need to be looking for something more substantial but I have my kids 100% of the time, no real time to date properly so it suits me. You have to be ok with what's on the table with these scenarios though. Initially I was hurt that he didn't seem bothered if i was upset about something etc but it is who he is and I need to be ok with it or move on.

Eesha how do you keep sane doing that knowing he isn’t going to support you. Do you support him at all or is it just very fun and nothing deep. I feel so needy and then I get resentful when I have supported them and they do not me. I did have a friend with benefit a few years ago but he was never upfront and honest with me about just wanting sex so I found it very hard to handle just having sex. I suppose you would need to both be clear about what the situation was between you from the start yes? Most men I have met seem to have issues being honest with me at all. They don’t tell me what they want or are expecting because they think I won’t like the answer so they lie to me. If the answer was honest and just sex then I would find that a lot easier

@LiddyJim in all honesty I'm a very supportive person to him regardless. He just isn't wired that way. If I called him and asked for actual advice, he would do so but he is very emotionally unavailable. At the moment it doesn't sound like it would suit you really, your stuff is too raw.

I am nowhere near ready to even look but as part of my positivity mission I want to stay hopeful there are nice people out there for me one day

I need to work on myself

@LiddyJim You should never have to argue and fight for him to wear a condom. And if he enters you without a condom when you have asked him to wear one then it's a type of rape.

Definitely get yourself an STI check. If you call your GP they will be able to tell you where you can access one. Don't leave it because undiagnosed STIs can cause long term internal damage if left untreated. I'm really trying to see a redeeming feature in your ex and just can't. He is a shit. Maybe it would be a good idea to stay away from FWB for now and grieve what you had? When my emotions are everywhere that's when I make shit choices in men.

when we first met he would wake up very early in the morning if we stayed over and basically just start having sex with me or trying to even if I was still asleep. The one time I said I was too tired he said he could tell was up for it. He got bored of that though and stopped doing it because he never wanted to stay over anymore suddenly

I am not going to even think about dating do not worry about that

My 18 year son contacted him today to tell him to bring my belongings back to me that he hasn’t returned. I am not angry with my son for doing it but I feel embarrassed about it for some reason. It was a polite message. Son has now blocked him

I have had a nice day today, the first in a while. Thank you for being so kind to me

@LiddyJim The problem with him instigating sex when you are asleep is that you can't consent. Sex without consent is rape. I am so so sorry lovely

Your son did a good thing trying to get your stuff back. There is nothing to be embarrassed about. The shame for the behaviour should be all your ex's. He has abused you in so many ways.

And kindness is the least you deserve xx

I didn’t really see it like that before. I didn’t not like it or found it threatening. It was in the honeymoon period so I thought it was just him being horny. It was annoying sometimes. I didn’t say no to it though because I wanted him to want me

I do apologise if I have put a downer onto this thread for anyone else I do not mind if anyone else wants to post anything else.

I did have some more feelings of worthlessness and rejection earlier asking myself why he doesn’t want me anymore and wishing he still did show some level of interest to win me back but this now feels like a very stupid feeling to have for all the reasons I have found as to why he is an awful man and don’t make any sense. It is my own dented ego wanting to be the good decent person all the time does not like to be thought of as a horrible or mad crazy woman as I am sure he has been gaining sympathy from friends about the emotional horrors I have put him through.
My son asking for the items back was because he doesn’t trust that ex will ever follow through on anything he says and my son saying it probably would make him feel guilty. He is a liar and a good convincing one too.

I hope that you are all doing well with your single adventures. This weekend I plan on doing some painting and gardening

@LiddyJim Hey, you haven't put a downer on the thread! It's why we are here. To support each other. Have you noticed that so much of what you are saying and thinking about is regarding what he thinks about you? When really, the biggest thing is what you think about him.

We all want to feel loved and valued by the people we care for. But it sounds like the man you loved is only part of who he showed you. And now you have seen the full extent of him, it's come to light that he is a nasty bastard. He could hide his true self indefinitely.

You are a good and decent person. That comes across loud and clear in your posts. Sadly, you can't control what the wanker says about you to his friends, but if they are as crappy as he is, then who gives a shite what they think? You never have to see any of them again. The people who are in your life now know that you aren't nuts. Your son knows you aren't. In fact, he has the measure of this bloke - that he's a liar.

And if he is a liar, and a convincing one, then it stands to reason that his word can't be trusted. So any negative comments he made were bullshit to put you on the back foot.

This guy has done a huge headfuck number on you. You don't know which way is up so you trust his opinion. But he can't be trusted. So the only opinion which matters is yours.

And you never, ever have to put up with someone having sex with you when you aren't awake. Whether it's the honeymoon period or not. Good men might kiss you awake and then start sex when you are conscious. But good men don't have sex with unconscious women. Ever.

Its sounds like you have done nothing wrong and it's all him. He is emotionally, psychologically and sexually abusive.

Painting and gardening, and coming to terms with what's happened sounds like a great idea for the weekend. Make sure you do lots of things you enjoy, even if it's just a cup of coffee in your favourite mug or ringing a friend. Take it easy, and try to eat and drink well, get fresh air and lots of sleep. You can and will get through this, you really will. And we are here to help at any time

he couldn't hide, not could, FFS!

@Eesha Ring him!!

@SirChing if only! We didn't have that kind of phone call thing, just texting banter. And nothing since Monday night. So choices are just leave it or drop him a Good Morning text today! If I'm being ghosted, I don't really want to contact him!

I think you could send him something funny like a meme and just say hi? Sometimes that is an icebreaker.

My counsellor has said the same thing about me talking about his opinion all the time and that I have no boundaries with him but I do have them in my other life. I did try to stand up to him sometimes. When we split he sent me a message about how wonderful I am and that I should stand up to my boss. I did take the time to tell him that my boss was not the person who had caused me to feel this way and he should be ashamed of his own behaviour of suggesting it was my boss and not him all along.

So many more little bad things keep popping into my head which is a good thing as it keeps away the insane feelings. He used to joke that I had lots of money all the time and could pay for things and take care of him in my old age. Constant jokes about my age and that I had no real friends. We earned the same money so I would get confused and say ‘are you asking me for money?’ He would say no no I am not. He also used to ask me to go over and clean his flat then say he was just joking when I got annoyed. I do think he was trying to condition me even more and much worse, then when I tried to stand up for myself he would punish me. He was extremely lazy and selfish and there was always 100 excuses for everything he ever did or said and if I knew it was a lie I couldn’t hide my opinion or feelings very well and I would confront him. Then I would get punished again. I think he did try to break me but I kept being strong. I told him he was controlling as well. I think he has devalued me to protect himself now as I have touched too many nerves in him and I saw the real him. He knew I knew he was lying at the end.

I slept all night for the first time in a week!

@liddyjim im a fine one to talk but I think you are in danger of overthinking yourself crazy about this. It's over and done with, you have a counsellor too, try not to torture yourself 24/7. Just re-read how much you've posted over this, you're going to drive yourself mad. You should be looking at positive ways to enjoy your life as it is now.

Well all, I messaged him a jokey sexy hello and got an immediate sexy response back. I suspect it's just going to be sexy pleasantries till the end of this lock down but I think I can do that!

Thanks Eesha. I am glad he replied to you!
I think I am reaching the end of the over thinking part. It has helped to get some of it out and I need to talk to my counsellor to rebuild. I just felt very alone and like I was going mad, I feel much better every day that goes by. I don’t want to keep opening up the wound but I think I need to process it and not run away from it.

@LiddyJim Hi, I am so glad you had a good night's sleep. It makes such a difference mentally as well as physically.

I think you do need to process it all, sort of like going through a box of stuff and looking at each item in turn before you can choose to keep it or bin it. Or in this case, decide if there is anything to learn from or not.

You are a strong lady because you are already seeing the dynamic between the two of you for what it was: Him conditioning you to accept abusive behaviour. Thank God you got out in time!

The good thing is, by identifying all the abusive stuff, you will learn to recognise and avoid it in future. You aren't alone and you aren't going mad.

@Eesha is right though, that once you have examined each item in the box and learned all you can from it, try not to ruminate on it. Easier said than done, but using a little bit of your mental energy on making some positive plans for you and your future, may help you to feel stronger overall, and therefore more able to cope what processing what happened.

It may be a good idea to write off getting your stuff back from him if you possibly can. Just so that you can draw a clean line under everything. It's hard to even begin to move forwards when there is an existing link to the past.

You will get through this. You are doing brilliantly .

@Eesha I have PMd you about Mr Hot

I so appreciate this advice because it is finally a relief to feel like I am making good choices and I do know my own mind. The box analogy is exactly right and also something my counsellor said to me last time we spoke. At first the box was just very large and jumbled but it’s getting smaller now I have taken out so many things and got rid of them, I don’t want them back. The more I replace those things with a positive thought or action the better I feel. I did write some feelings down today in a diary so that I am not writing them here but I have not kept reading them too much.

He is coming today because he emailed me this morning to say he was dropping them off this afternoon. We have never emailed so I had not thought to block it. I am out at work so I have some dread and bad feeling about going home later but also anticipation that this is it. The last day. I do not even want the items I wanted this day, the end of the prison sentence

Well I am glad that he is dropping your stuff off and you never have to see the scumbag again.

He has dropped it off I didn’t have to see him but I am feeling very sad again so I think I am going to take a break from everything for a while. Thanks for your help and support

No worries @LiddyJim. Just feel how you feel and take care of yourself xx

Hi all, I'm back for my daily moan 😂 (it's laugh or cry let's face it). Difficult day today as neuro diverse ds does NOT do well when it's his sister's birthday and he's been a little turd all day. I'm absolutely exhausted and have nothing left. Luckily for the actual birthday tomorrow he's going to his dad's for half the day so she gets to enjoy it without him stropping, as much as a 6yo can enjoy a birthday in lockdown we've got a zoom call with her friends planned and my amazing baker friend has made a phenomenal cake which she is going to absolutely love.

In other news, I'm feeling a bit under the weather with aches and non specific poorly feelings. And a bit of a tight chest... Hmm. Will keep an eye on it, but it's not like I've been anywhere!

Hope all are okay and coping with the thought of another 3 weeks...

@Misty9 hope your DD has a lovely birthday regardless!!!

We are all doing fine, my home is a tip but coping with the lockdown as best as I can. Trying to find the positives in this weird time. Working out, cooking great food, thinking about what is important. I'm looking like a slob but hey ho!!! :)

Happy birthday to your daughter Misty9

I need to start working out as well. I keep being triggered by memories of things and working out or running is one of them as we did that together. This morning I realised he had deleted me from a running app. I am still hurting about some of the things he has said and done and the lack of closure from his side. No apologies no explanations so I’m finding it myself and of course coming up with all kinds of things.

Today I will do some painting and hope to find some sense of closure on that at least. And I can sleep now through the night

I should not have looked. He has unfollowed me from the running app this morning as I had already unfollowed him but he still has photos of us together on there and hasn’t deleted them. Why does my brain think that this means something when it doesn’t.