what affair signs did you see?

[Harpersjazz]

I’m in the aftermath of finding out about my husbands 5 month affair (emotional and physical) and I find it fascinating some of the times my intuition took over!

I started to feel like something just wasn’t right and then In the last month my intuition went crazy! We were having a fun afternoon doing our big Christmas food shop and he was at the end of the freezer aisle texting. I wouldn’t have given that a second thought 6 months previous but I went all cold and my stomach flipped and i just knew there and then he was texting someone else romantically.

He also got a lovely jumper for Christmas which he told me was from his mum. She buys him clothes and aftershave etc so it shouldn’t have been weird but again it was like this little alarm bell went off. Turns out OW bought it for him.

There were a few more too. I’ll always trust my instincts more in future. Have you ever been cheated on and got a weird feeling from non obvious cliche stuff?

I’ve mentioned before that my husband has low testosterone and he has never had a very high sex drive. It’s been better since he’s been treated, but I’d love sex daily and he’s happy with twice or three times a week (well truth is he’d probably be happy with once or twice a month). Sex is not a priority for my husband whilst it is for me. He makes the effort for me though. I can’t imagine for a second that he’d run off with another woman for the sex, when I already wear him out at home.

Maybe I’m deluded. But I feel it to my core that he’s a good-un and a decent man, who understands the value of family and just being loved. I hope I’m never proven wrong, because I think the world of my husband.

I am afraid it isn’t always about sex unfortunately...

My husband has also always had a fairly low sex drive, and I was more than available for his needs.

His affair was more about an emotional connection, they never slept together and had sweet little kisses and cuddles it hurt way more than a sexual connection would have I’m afraid.

Sex isnt always the reason though. Emotional affairs, where there is love but no sex, can actually be more damaging in many ways.

Sex is the nice side effect of having their ego boosted, at a time when they are feeling a bit shit about themselves, hence the "mid life crisis".

I am not saying he will, I hope he doesnt. But so many of us have seen it happen that I really really hope you have the exception to the rule.

X Post

I hope so too.

I asked him just a few minutes ago
‘Do you think you would ever cheat on me?’

He looked stunned (as to where the question came from) so I explained how sad this thread was.

He said something along the lines of...

No, I can’t see myself ever cheating on you. Because I love you. And I have years and years of crazy with you. Who else could I do x, y and z to? I’d never find someone like you again.

But I’m not arguing that MY husband wouldn’t cheat. Though I don’t think he would. I’m arguing that not all men are the same and there has to be good guys out there - it is probable that there are some men who just don’t cheat. And I believe this because I believe I’ve met them. My husband is a really lovely man - but he’s not the only lovely man in the whole world. It’s not possible.

@DBML 🙂 your husband sounds lovely.

@DBML I would have said exactly the same. Until mine did it.

I wasn’t hyper vigilant either until I just knew. He denied and denied so I was forced into mental spying and agonising.

I would never have thought mine would have. We had just bought a house together. It was emotional not physical, but I found out after two months due to gut instinct. Not sure what would have happened if I hadn’t found out then. Would it have become physical or fizzled out? She got a boyfriend (someone else) 4 months later.

Signs were:

• Changed his instagram photo from one of us together, to one on his own. He had never changed the photo since setting up the profile a few years before.

-Constantly on Instagram (stalking her pictures)

• Issue regarding phone privacy - think it was just an excuse to put me down because he wasn’t communicating with her via his phone but rather his work intranet chat.

• Blowing up over trivial things

• Preoccupied with new outfit for work Christmas party. Defensive when I asked if he was looking forward to the party

• Seemed depressed after the party

• No consideration for me - putting football on TV constantly

• Lack of time together, not because he was seeing her but he was just taking up all these hobbies - probably to show off about to seem interesting as she did a lot of stuff.

@MadamePewter

But there’s bound to be many people who would describe their husbands as I have...and they haven’t cheated.

I’m sorry this has happened to you, but it doesn’t prove that every man cheats.

Oh and also clearing his search history on Instagram

@DBML I’m not saying all men cheat. But there are a huge amount of women who say the same as you did, and men who say what your DH said in reply to your question and then they do cheat. He’s hardly going to say, yes, actually, since you ask I might well shag my secretary one day.

@Harpersjazz mine also claims never to have shagged her, despite nights in hotels and sexually charged messages n both directions; ow is Muslim and married and apparently would only do “everything but”. I still don’t know if I believe it; on the one hand maybe she’s avoiding mortal sin and can justify cheating on her husband if there’s no penetration. On the other hand why make the effort to go to hotel rooms in the middle of the afternoon? If true, I think it shows it wasn’t her first rodeo if there are rules of engagement.

Anyway- all the list above, plus suddenly having a toothbrush nd deodorant in his work bag.

The thing is @DBML the thread title is "what affair signs did you see" so women whose husbands have had affairs are coming on to respond and you just keep coming on to say how lovely your husband is and how he would never have an affair. I think you should read the room in all honesty.

DBML. My DH was similar. Whilst affair was going on, he continued to run baths, buy me chocolate and see me off at the door with a kiss and ‘ I love you’ every morning.
I caught onto the affair pretty quickly because we had been so close and I had left him within a matter of weeks.
I think part of the shock is how someone can be so deceptive, if he’d been a regular inconsiderate git, then maybe it would have come as less of a surprise, but reconciling who I thought that person was and what he did was the hardest part. You get caught in a loop especially when said shit keeps trying to reconcile with you and won’t let you move on, because of their own conflicted feelings.

I understand what you are saying and hope you have got a good one, there’s no advice from me on that one, beyond don’t ever take anything for granted.

The sex

He couldn’t get enough it was very passionate but something different

And he wasn’t as loving he would often come up and cuddle me from behind but not face to face

The day I found out he did this told me how much he loved me and something told me you know ! Like a voice inside my head and I could no longer deny it

Everyone is capable of cheating

No one thinks they will or thinks their partner will

Of course some don’t but only a fool would think this simply could never have to them all humans are fallible

@OhamIreally

Fair point.
I’ll duck out then.

Hope everyone finds happiness 💐

Obvious physical affair: sleeping in his trousers with his phone in his pocket, on silent. Extra nights out because he was "bored." Would turn it round on me, call me a paranoid psycho. 🙄

Womanising a-hole: delete all his search history (he had autism, thought it was one of his quirks 🙄), would go on and on about how much he hated cheaters (😂 oh, the irony), would find the hottest woman at a party and take a picture with her, would stalk women online, porn addict.

Physical affair 2: had a good female friend when we met, had pictures of them cuddled up and holding hands, would go and stay with her and family, went on holiday with her and her family, would send 20 kisses at the end of a text, call her pet names, had pictures of them together all over his flat. He pulled the wool over my eyes and her family (she was a teenager - 17/18/19).

Emotional affair: would always gel his hair when he saw her (he's a scruffy man by nature), went on holiday with just her, when our baby was born she became a priority, she would flirt with him, he would flirt with her, took her baby shopping, bought her a lovely picture of her holding my baby and was cooing over it (I got an empty mummy frame) - he emotionally abandoned me and our baby.

The last 3 are all the same man, the first 1 a latet ex.

Been thinking about this post today..
another couple.

Rather than unusual bank charges, he had none for when he went away. Which as I found out was due to him being at the OWs rather than being in hotels.
Always 'lost' his hotel reservations too, so couldn't prove he was in hotels

@OhamIreally

I wanted to say just that about DBML’s post but didn’t know how to say it without sounding rude! You did it very well - no one wants to hear how great someone’s husband is and how they will never cheat on these posts 🙈

Dwindling interest
Phone secrecy
Prolonged periods of time in the bathroom
Coming home late
Started being funny about posting pics together online
Finding hair strands in car (said gave female colleague a lift..funny as the length of hair was was longer than hers)
Constantly up late on the phone

@crispysausagerolls
@OhamIreally

I agree with you both, a thread full of betrayed spouses is not a place to be boasting about your gem of a husband who never cheats

1. Changing pin on phone
2. Taking phone to shower/toilet etc
3. Staying out later
4. "Working late' or "going to the gym"

Hmmm common theme here.

Staying out all night on ‘work’ nights out, he still denied that ever happened years later 🙈

I think if it’s not happened to you then the level of disbelief and betrayal, sheer devastation, is difficult to comprehend.

I would have died swearing that my XH wouldn't cheat. He was shy, I was his first ever girlfriend, we were the couple everyone wanted to be, besotted and adoring. He also didn't like sex very much.

And yet. He didn't even really have an affair, he tried to have an emotional affair by becoming besotted with another woman who he built up in his mind as being his 'ideal'. He tried to work his way into her life and in order to fulfil his desire to be close to her he had to cut me out.

It broke my heart, utterly. The way he changed from adoring, shared jokes, stupid talk and daily texts to treating me as though I was something to be avoided. Taking pleasure in being as far away from me as possible. Sitting on Facebook for hours.

And this was a man so unlikely to cheat or leave a marriage that everyone thought it was a joke when I announced we were splitting up.