what affair signs did you see?

[Harpersjazz]

I’m in the aftermath of finding out about my husbands 5 month affair (emotional and physical) and I find it fascinating some of the times my intuition took over!

I started to feel like something just wasn’t right and then In the last month my intuition went crazy! We were having a fun afternoon doing our big Christmas food shop and he was at the end of the freezer aisle texting. I wouldn’t have given that a second thought 6 months previous but I went all cold and my stomach flipped and i just knew there and then he was texting someone else romantically.

He also got a lovely jumper for Christmas which he told me was from his mum. She buys him clothes and aftershave etc so it shouldn’t have been weird but again it was like this little alarm bell went off. Turns out OW bought it for him.

There were a few more too. I’ll always trust my instincts more in future. Have you ever been cheated on and got a weird feeling from non obvious cliche stuff?

Went from being kind and having a laugh together to acting like I was the stupidest person on the planet, criticising everything I said.

Completely over explaining why he'd be late with elaborate stories.

Gym trips that ended at 11pm "you can ask x if you dont believe I was there..."

I finally found out after looking at his phone - he had deleted everything bar the sent items of email.

Kind of off topic but I have always trusted my husband of 6yrs implicitly, we are happily married but the sheer amount of posts I read on MN about dh cheating is making me feel a bit uneasy like I'm being silly and whether it's now or in 15yrs time he will be unfaithful. Should I really trust in my heart of hearts he won't or do you think it's something 90% of men do?

Leaving for afternoon school run earlier
Popping out for milk
Losing weight
Smiling at phone and laughing
Regular toilet visits
In the beginning of relationship concealing and lying about even little things makes for a big liar

And I would catch him looking at me in disgust

Kipper:
"I dont think I have come across a single marriage that hasnt been affected by some sort of cheating, physical or otherwise. "

Not everyone cheats. I have never cheated in my life. I never will. I would leave Dh before cheating. I don't think he's cheated on me either. Obviously I don't know for sure. 100%. But I'd predict 99% not. Been married for 20 years.

Taking the dog for extra-long walks

Finding condoms

Overhearing the person say ‘I can’t talk’

How thick can you be?!

•Guarding his phone
•"Working" late most nights
•Spending his evenings in a different room (constantly texting - the twat forgot his mobile bills were itemised...)
•Started wearing skinny Jean and Converse - he had a 40inch gut - he looked like a fucking planet on toothpicks.
•Spent every Friday and Saturday night out at some leaving do/promotion/birthday for random colleagues.
•The FB profile picture she posted of him and her draped over each other was purely platonic (they were colleagues).
•He stopped wearing his wedding ring after 7 years - allergic all of a sudden apparently 🤔

He spent a year gaslighting me and making me think I was possessive and controlling. After 16 years together I would never have believed he could have done that to me, but there you go.

Yes, my husband kept randomly taking his ring off at home, I would find it around the house.

Honestly, I would have said that some men are the type to cheat and some aren’t. But knowing my husbands personality type and that he managed to lie so much to me, I honestly believe every man (and woman) is capable and likely to have an affair for a variety of reasons.

I think it’s good to trust your husband unless he gives you reason not to. However don’t make my mistake, and think it can never happen to you

My friend had just gone through this. She noticed ;
Him taking care of his appearance.
Having a more trendy hairstyle.
Started being interested in music .
He worked away Mon - Fri , suddenly had lots of ' overtime ' and not making it home weekends .

@Harpersjazz are you still with your husband?

@Oblomov20 I think that's great, I really do. I never cheated either, but I'll be honest and say that most of the affairs that happened were never discovered (or at least not openly admitted to having been discovered) by the innocent party. One in particular has been bouncing back to the AP for years, and the spouse genuinely has no idea and thinks that they are blissfully happy.

People are people, and people are shits sometimes so I would always adopt the "Hope for the best but prepare for the worst" plan these days, but I accept that that is a direct consequence of the shit my exhusband put me through.

@Starrynite

Sorry but "in his mid 50s and buying ripped jeans"

Made me laugh out loud xxx

I felt like a mug after I eventually found out that my ex had been cheating on me for 18 months. He changed the passcode on his phone and wouldn’t tell me the new one, he started doing a lot of sport, he got called in to work in the evenings way more often than before but I had no reason to suspect till I found definite proof. And then the hurtful things he did came back to me - he encouraged me to go to a funeral that would take me away 2 nights so that he’d be free to see her. He encouraged me to book another flight after I missed mine (thro no fault of my own) so that he’d be free to see her. All things that seemed really caring at the time but now make me worry I’ll never trust anyone again

He stopped bothering with his appearance

He actually pointed it out as an apology weirdly. He got out of the car and said to me oh you look lovely sorry I should have dressed nicer.

He was crap white trainers, jeans and a scruffy jacket

With hind sight he had stopped making an effort with his appearance and looked scruffy alot of the time, didnt shave at weekends etc

He didnt care about looking nice for me anymore

A def sign is being weird with the phone. I noticed that he would always place it screen down and have it turned away from my view. When I confronted him he made out I was being paranoid - all that evening he left the phone in my view. The next day his little girlfriend turned up at my work (coincidence? I think not!) I eventually saw notifications from her pop up on his phone. Think he was a bit thick to not turn off notifications (don’t think he knew how to!)

Definitely making more if an effort with himself and being glued to his phone.

Going out every weekend and a lot more evening appointments/engagements.

The one that really made my spidey-senses twitch was him being super critical of me, and withdrawing from any type of physical contact,whereas before he had been touchy feely.

I hear (urban relationship legend?) that a cheating man will either withdraw from sex or become hyper/more sexual when having an affair.

Yep, spidey sense is exactly how I felt that day in the supermarket...he could have been texting his friends/brothers/mum or dad...but it was just a really strong emotional reaction...I just knew

I saw none at all. I was totally blindsided. Picked up his phone when it beeped and he was sleeping and saw a dodgy text from OW so scrolled up a few messages where she saying she loved him. All other messages were deleted. Felt like I'd been punched in the stomach!

With hindsight though...
became dismissive of things I said
didn't want a present for his birthday when he usually liked to be spoiled and surprised
didn't want to go out anymore
didn't go to bed at the same time and stayed up late and regularly claimed he'd fallen asleep
encouraged me to buy treats for myself
bought me Gucci Guilty perfume - Freudian slip

As a single woman I've been duped into short term relationships with married men a couple of times (I ditched them once I found out). The second one was so unbelievably kind, caring, thoughtful....his poor wife, she doesnt realise hes on the dating apps. He seemed so sincere. I guess you never know, some people are very good liars.

I’m so sorry, I felt blindsided in a way too. I had these suspicions but thought they weren’t really anything and were because of my insecurities and anxiety.

When I finally snapped one afternoon and thought I may be losing the plot but I need to know if I’m being paranoid and need to stop this. I didn’t ever really think I would find itemised phone bills with 5 months worth of calls and texts, and when i called the number she must have been half asleep and thought it was him calling
And answered “hey baby” I felt like I was in a movie

@whereishappyat. I’ve been with my husband many years. I trust him 100000%. I trust him with my life. Our children’s lives.

Plus he knows that if he ever slipped up. He’d be out the door. No time for it to even hit him in the backside. He says he loves that about me. That I won’t take any shite from anyone. I know I’d also be out the door too. But I’m not a cheater. Never would ever. I’m too confident for that. For me that’s such a step down. I’d rather be on my own than do that ever. I’m stronger. I’m worth more than that to do that to myself.

I think this is before it started, but he mentioned a female colleagues name. It wasn't mentionitis, as he'd only ever said her name once, but knew in an instant that he was attracted to her. I instantaneously responded by saying 'if you ever cheat on me, we are finished'.

After that usual signs - secretive with phone.
Bought fancy in car charging device, or something like that
Lots of time in toilet
Randomly bumping into old friends that he would need to go for a coffee// drink with.
Old friends had developed problems that he was helping with
At one point he mentioned going away on a work training weekend ( I already suspected at this point) highly unusual for his job.
Smirking at phone, which I wanted to smash into his head.
Buying new underwear
Fancy hair cut

Pretty much text book cheating bastard behaviour.

JesuisPrest

He looked like a fucking planet in toothpicks

Fuck , that actually did make me laugh out loud . Love it ❤️

Sorry , on not in