what affair signs did you see?

[Harpersjazz]

I’m in the aftermath of finding out about my husbands 5 month affair (emotional and physical) and I find it fascinating some of the times my intuition took over!

I started to feel like something just wasn’t right and then In the last month my intuition went crazy! We were having a fun afternoon doing our big Christmas food shop and he was at the end of the freezer aisle texting. I wouldn’t have given that a second thought 6 months previous but I went all cold and my stomach flipped and i just knew there and then he was texting someone else romantically.

He also got a lovely jumper for Christmas which he told me was from his mum. She buys him clothes and aftershave etc so it shouldn’t have been weird but again it was like this little alarm bell went off. Turns out OW bought it for him.

There were a few more too. I’ll always trust my instincts more in future. Have you ever been cheated on and got a weird feeling from non obvious cliche stuff?

@PyongyangKipperbang

It’s so sad that you feel that way. Some people cheat, others don’t. I’ve been with my husband for a long time, since high school. I have never cheated on him and he has not cheated on me.

His attitude towards me has never changed, he’s always been very very loving.
He is very different from the ‘norm’. He never goes out. Doesn’t have a single bloke friend, other than one guy who is older and also doesn’t go out. My husband is a real home body and apart from when he had an operation, he’s never spent a night away from me.

He does work full time, but as a teacher and our son goes to his school, back and forth there every day. He’s never late home. He’s extremely reliable and he doesn’t own a phone, only an old iPod, which he leaves hanging around. He is open with his passwords for his email and the iPod. We share a computer, I know his passwords for and could access if I wanted to, his FB, Instagram, Twitter etc accounts.

When he texts colleagues, he’ll often show me or read their messages to me so I can join in with whatever joke or gif or meme they’ve sent. If he meets them for a coffee, I get dragged along. He messages me at least 15 times a day whilst we’re in work and our sex life has never wavered- well never less than once a week, but largely far more often than that. DH is diagnosed low testosterone and treated for that.

We laugh everyday. We laugh more than anything else and we genuinely just enjoy one another’s company. He still thinks I’m gorgeous, despite being quite a few sizes bigger than when we met.

I feel loved and beautiful.

There are men out there like this. It’s been 25 years nearly and I trust him completely. I can’t imagine it changing. Maybe it’s the low T that makes him different?

Don’t give up hope, there are other men like my husband and every person deserves to be with someone who loves and respects them.

One thing I’ll say is that sometimes you have to re-think your type. It wasn’t until my sister did this, that she found a decent bloke who didn’t cheat on her.

DBML- yes! I feel the same way.

Yes.. the password on the phone!
Never had one before... then all of a sudden it's like Fort Knox.
Blamed it on being a work phone.

@DBML a lot of your post I could have written about my ex. We were together 18 years when this started, he didn’t have any male friends that he went out with, our relationship was perfectly happy & normal until it wasn’t. He had an affair because he met someone at work. The only time he saw her outside of work was when he dared to sneak out for an hour once I’d gone to bed. This is why it took me so long to realise - our sex life continued as previously. We went on holiday as a family during that time. I also told him very clearly that if he cheated our marriage would be over.

I’m happy for you that your marriage is a happy one and hope it continues that way for many years to come

Married 22 years, started making my life hell, picked on me for very minor things. Taking his phone everywhere [ bathroom included ]. Started buying his own underpants and clothes. In all our years together he had never ever bought his own clothes and wasn't really interested in what he was wearing.
He was working abroad so it was certainly easy for him to live a double life. I knew almost straight away as he changed so much, but for a year he denied it and told me I was paranoid and needed to see a doctor!

My DH has a complicated history ( an OW from his first marriage) which he completely concealed from me when we met. It's very complex but basically he had an affair and left his first wife with 3 children. His OW never left her husband. So DH was single- until poor innocent me came along 2 years later. He gave me a fictional account of why he was divorced which I completely believed.

What I don't understand is why the cheating partner, often the DH, lies . Why all the deceit?

What do they think will happen, do they want to just try before they disrupt the marriage's status quo?

Perhaps it's naive of me but we have had so many problems with his lies about his ongoing twice yearly meet ups with the same OW from his first marriage...

I think that if I met anyone now who tempted me, I'd just quite like to say:
" look this potential new man has suggested a drink, DH - we have such ongoing rubbish over X that I would quite like to explore this new possibility - do you want to discuss or do you think that it's fair that I do that...?"

I know that probably isn't feasible, or fair on the DC but it just seems more honest- it's the layers of deceit that is just so draining.

Sorry but that planet on toothpicks comment has made me bloody roar

Started to hide his phone and keep it with him 24 7. Started to get snappy and nasty with me. Started giving excuses to go out and see "mates". Started ringing me whilst I was away visiting relatives to say "just wanted to tell you how much I love you" (the cunt was just making sure I wasn't at home). Started to ring me at 4am his time in another country that he suddenly started going to each month for "meeting" to tell me "you're so special to me, I would be nothing without you" (He's just finished sticking his dick in her and felt guilty each time).

.."you're so special to me, I would be nothing without you"

I think this might answer my question about why all the deceit.

The cheater wants the new exciting sex but they are actually scared of losing the security and stability that the DW and family life provides.

It's only if they know the OW can offer some other type of security and stability that they will make the leap.

The cheater wants the new exciting sex but they are actually scared of losing the security and stability that the DW and family life provides

It's only if they know the OW can offer some other type of security and stability that they will make the leap

Yup.

The irony is the cheater seems to think they are unique and the centre of their own unprecedented drama. Yet nearly all accounts follow a pattern:

• new phone habits
• longer in the loo
• inane grinning at phone
• new work commitments
• new clothes, haircut
• weight loss
• new fitness interest
• picking arguments with spouse
• character assassination of spouse
• unusual gifts to spouse
• guilt motivated praise if spouse
• concealed condoms
• new hobby
• discomfort with gifts from spouse

Pathetic.

Reading this thread just makes me so mad. How dare they ! Looking at their phone grinning like an idiot in front of their wife/partner, urgh, grow up.
Hope they realise the pain they have inflicted.
Mine would come home with a big grin and telling me daily anecdotes about her whilst snapping at me, work nights out started to increase.

I’m currently going through this, the only thing I noticed he was quite cold towards me, he would still leave his phone lying around but the thing that made me go snooping was one evening I came downstairs as I was really upset and he just didn’t seem to care and told me to go back to bed, that night I looked through his phone and found the messages. She is a work colleague.

When I confronted him he spun me a very good lie. I actually believed him to start with and then a little later remembered something he had told me about her which meant what he had told me wasn’t true.

I’m acting like everything is great. He has started taking his phone with him now doesn’t really leave it laying around, goes to the loo more and thinks he’s hiding it at night. During the night I’m going through his phone and taking photos of the messages. I’m going to confront him on Friday!

@Fizzystar1 so sorry to hear you are going through that ! Have it out with him on Friday ! Make him squirm and show him up for what he is, he deserves it.

Love this thread. It helps me to feel less of a mug! The signs in my mid-50 year old were almost exactly the same as those listed above, with a few variations:

Exercising frenetically, especially press-ups!
Worry about hair loss, leading to purchase of expensive hair loss shampoo and conditioner
Purchase of tight jeans with legs rolled up showing most of ankles
Wiggling bottom when walking with swagger in said jeans, arms held out from sides to show off ‘broad’ shoulders
Posing in underpants with hairdryer when blow drying what remained of the thinning hair, one leg bent out to display very small assets to best advantage
Purchase of reinforced underpants pushing small assets (and they are really small) to the fore for better display in tight rolled up jeans
Hugging the side of the bed to be as far away from horrible wife as possible
Smirking and laughing at phone continually
Dropping hints, ridiculous hints, but then denying when asked about affair
Super critical of everything I did or said
A weird one, gobbling down masses of food - never quite got that but presumably eating near me disgusted him and strength had to be built up for sexting OW (long distance affair)
Drinking to drown yearning sorrows
Wanting to watch TV programmes that he had always refused to watch in the past, because ‘someone’ had said they were good. They were mostly rubbish
Complaining about ‘claims on his time’
Very secretive about money
Taking out new credit card to be used abroad
Film references intended to indicate that ‘something’ was going on

I could go on and on and on. I was so trusting and, yes, naive, that I didn’t realise I was being played. It rather let him down because I was supposed to chuck him out leaving him as the unfortunate victim.

We live and learn. I rather enjoy the fact that he is a cliche because he considers himself to be so special and extraordinary.

Also, forgot.
I was always bit cooler than ex, artsy background. Compared to his staid civil service one. I didn't think anything of it, or give it much thought, but he then started mining me for cultural references, films and music to impress ow (who was young enough to be his daughter) cheeky bastard.
They are pathetic aren't they.

Superb

You have reminded me of a super weird one too. Ex-H was never one for having favourite things, like if you asked him what his favourite song was he would say it was too hard to choose, would listen to music but never say anything if that makes sense. Suddenly he is telling me how he loves the James Bay song 'Let it go' and how the lyrics are beautiful. It was just so odd and out of character.

My ex did that, saying he loved 'Summertime sadness' by Lana Del Ray, even though he had previously said he didn't like the singer, but then a girl he clearly had feelings for liked it.

He yelled at me and kids in public: most uncharacteristic.

I got a text just with kisses and somehow just knew wasn’t for me.

Apart from that, all the usual things. Text book.

He stopped leaving his phone lying around, carried it with him at all times and charged it face down.
Criticised me for little things that had never bothered him before. He even criticised my clothes and the food I ate, turns out OW was from another country and ate food from her own country.
He was never home, worked late, went to the gym and had work events on the weekend.

Got a nice present for his birthday from his 'boss'
Distant
Changed code on his phone
Lots of 'work' nights out
Texting all the time
Cagey if I asked him what he was doing
Started wanting to do things separately.
Over generous on my birthday

Also picking holes in everything I did. Including lambasting me for leaving a cupboard door slightly open

They do things out of guilt don't they, like being very generous on your birthday etc. Because they know what they are doing is wrong.

They do. He still does it now and we've been separated a year!

I didn't find out about my STBXH's affair until after we separated (for other reasons), but looking back, all the signs were there. He started withdrawing from our marriage and from parenting, started coming home late from work or having to work on his days off. When I raised any kind of worry about our relationship and the direction in which it was going, he would make me believe that it was my fault, because I was having trouble with anxiety at the time.

At the time this was going on, there was a woman who worked for him, who was separating from her husband, and he used to tell me that they'd been out for lunch or that he'd stayed late to help her through the separation. Silly me, who wouldn't ever cheat and assumed the same of him, thought that he was just being a really good boss/friend to someone who needed a shoulder to cry on. After we separated I found loads of photos of her in underwear on my iCloud, that had automatically downloaded from his WhatsApp. I'm guessing he wasn't just giving her a shoulder...