How do you reconcile someone being capable of being aggressive/violent with them being a "nice" person.

[GilbertMarkham]

A short while ago I posted a thread asking for opinions on my dh, who was violent towards me (flung me, held me down, no hitting) about 14 yrs ago during a cycle of severe arguments, and who had not repeated such behaviour until he "loomed" over me/squared up to recently during a bad argument.

I'm looking into separation and trying to get my head around everything - the latter being v important to me in choosing a course and sticking to it.

The thing is my DH is - quite honestly - a nice/good person 99% of the time. He is, and I'm not deluded in the way most MNers will believe an op to be when they say this, a good father who takes as much strain off me as he can in spite of having a v demanding job and has since our DD was born.

He is on the while very kind - just one example off the top.of my head is that, when my sister was arguing a lot with her DH and it looked like he was going to obstruct her from going on a trip (marathon and sightseeing) and money was ab issue, he instantly looked troubled and said 'how much does she need, we'll give it to her".

How do I reconcile all the good parts of his character (the majority) with what he did, the line he crossed years ago, and was toeing up to again recently?

GilbertMarkham

Have you considered seeing a doctor re: your lack of libido? Could be menopause or another hormone issue?

@BaolFan

So do I. Unfortunately the police officers who told me that it couldn't be rape if I couldn't show them the bruises did not know that.

@BaolFan

I understand this is a very emotive subject and I am sorry for your experience. But there is such thing as coerced rape. I say that as somebody who has been the victim of more than one kind

I've unhidden this thread because posters keep @ me which sends me notifications.

Please stop.

I understand that there is more than violent rape. I understand consent and lack thereof. I really do. But I have specifically said I wanted to leave the thread - you can all carry on an academic discussion about rape without tagging me in it.

sorry BaolFan. Apologies for any offence caused.

Have you considered seeing a doctor re: your lack of libido? Could be menopause or another hormone issue?

I would guess it's a combination of contraception (had a higher sex drive on combined pill, but mini pill is only option due to age), pms/depression (former I always have to some extent), latter I mostly only get once every two or three yrs for a few months (but have something low low level in background perpetually).

Tried Prozac once when had actyal outright depression and it made me feel much much so I stopped it
I'm not in favour of taking ad's at all tbh.

I don't think.its menopause/peri because i'm a but too young (for average) at 43, and it's the same as its always been through my 20s and 30s.

Also I do get spurts of sex drive sometimes but an so out of the habit of having sex with my DH, and so used to sleeping separately etc that I don't approach him, I sort myself out.
On top of everything else I have always found his technique and effort lacking - I'm not lucky enough to climax from penetrative sex, even grinding on top/in any position does not do it for me. So I have to have manual stimulation (have never had any partner do oral for long enough or successfully enough to see if I could) After the initial.period when high attraction carried me over the issue, it became frustrating. Tried getting him to do it and I just wasn't getting there, and felt like I was boring him and imposing in him into the bargain. I tried myself during sex - I can feel next to nothing, it's like I lose all sensation outside when penetrated (tmi sorry but there's no bearing around the bush invdescribing this). So although I do enjoy the sensation of piv sex, the only ciunax and id be having is one brought about by self (manually) before of after piv sex. I felt like he got used to that (and if I couldn't be bothered or persevere got used to me having no climax) accepted that as the status quo, and made no real effort to change it. Could never be sure if it was selfishness/indifference or lack of confidence or both or ..

Alongside being out of the habit of intimacy it makes me think "why bother getting all extra groomed, and sneaky clean, and putting on something nice and making an effort ; when he'll.climax from.sex, I'll be a bit like a flesh light, the only orgasm id gave would be by my hand ... And I can do that myself anyway, with far less effort, time etc.

*sweaky not sneaky

Also, to reiterate something I mentioned re sex drive in a couple of previous posts, the drop in sex drive towards my partner has happened in any relationship I've been in past six months/a year.

A girl I know said the sane thing happened to her, I thought it might be common.

There have been some studies done showing an inverse relationship between his long a woman is in a relationship with a man and her sex drive/desire towards him.

*how

I asked my therapist once "well, my dad was only abusive 30% of the time. so that doesn't count as abuse, right?" His reply surprised me. He said "it doesn't matter if it happened only ONCE, let alone 30%." It affects you. it gave you CPTSD symptoms." I know that isn't the same as abuse by a partner but I can well relate to the difficulty you may have reconciling someone who is usually lovely doing somehing abusive.

I am not trying to say your partner is an abuser. I don't feel I can make that call. But his behaviour was abusive, therefore you can be said to have experienced some abuse. And I think that always causes some difficulty, however rarely it happened. or what your part in it may have been. I know I drove my dad up the wall as a kid. It was never intentional- I was too scared of him to so that but some would look at me (I was a difficult kid, in the nocest possible way) and say I was to blame. It never justifes it.

I read a book when deciding whether or not to separate from myexH called "too good to leave, too bad to stay" and it was helpful in framing my thoughts.

It sounds to me like your DH got angry because you caught him out in a lie - which is a bit of a red flag. Do you think he gaslights you?

Also I don't think the sex thing is good. Sounds like you are taking all the burden for not wanting it, and assuming that's the cause of your issues. When it doesn't seem unreasonable to me to not want sex with someone when it's not pleasurable for you and you don't feel secure or loved.

FWIW I had a similar issue in my marriage, I have now been with current partner 2 years with no problems at all because he never, ever ever puts any pressure on for sex, and he properly connects with me in bed.

It seems likely to me that it's not you, its him