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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Have any of you repeatedly been an OW, and if so, do you know why?

289 replies

NoMoreDickheads · 26/02/2020 18:50

This is probably not an unknown subject for a post, but I have often found myself to be an OW.

Have any of you tended to be the same, and if so, do you know why you've tended to end up in this position?

Am not going to do it again.

OP posts:
Goldfinch432 · 28/02/2020 01:20

And I think it’s the rules!! Because the rules are making A LOT of people very unhappy.

GothamProtector · 28/02/2020 01:21

So grow a spine. And live how you want. You'll probably find not many people care. And those that do can't do shit.

What people do judge and care about is when you destroy someone in your selfishness.

Goldfinch432 · 28/02/2020 01:32

My family and friends would care - and so would Tom, Dick and Harry’s. I wouldn’t want to hurt them. So I stick to societies rules (generally). If the rules changed and my family and friends and society were all happy for me to live with Tom, Dick and Harry - and Milly, Molly and Mandy -
then I would.

GothamProtector · 28/02/2020 01:33

So again. Your inability to grow a spine means you believe you can destroy someone's life and deceive them?

Goldfinch432 · 28/02/2020 01:33

And I agree that I am completely selfish.

Goldfinch432 · 28/02/2020 01:40

Well yes - I feel like I’m constructed in growing my spine - because of rules. I wouldn’t want to destroy anyone’s life. But I AM selfish - and my need for love and sex has occasionally outweighed my consideration if others. Really sorry - I’m trying to be honest here. I realise it’s incredibly hurtful to be cheated on, I’m trying to explain why it happens...

Goldfinch432 · 28/02/2020 01:42

Constricted!!

MrsTerryPratchett · 28/02/2020 02:52

I used to travel a lot for work. There are MANY chances to cheat. I didn't, because I love my DH and believe we have a monogamous relationship. I give up the right to fuck lots of people for the right to be with him. Which is better.

Now if he was fucking around, he's not only lying, he's deciding to make my choices for me. He's decided I'm monogamous and he's not. And depriving a person you love of their choices is deeply controlling. And that is not just selfish, it's abusive. He's having sex with me knowing I wouldn't consent if I knew. I really do believe that having sex with someone who you know doesn't have the full facts to consent is abusive.

So do what you like, but don't make excuses to be a really awful person.

DeeCeeCherry · 28/02/2020 03:26

Why would you want to be an OW and dissect it...? There's more to life than men. I think anyone who wants to analyse (justify?) really needs to look into making their life and opportunities better. There's a cliche that has some truth in it - If you're not happy with yourself then, a man isn't going to make you happy.

Being an OW having to skulk around having a secret relationship = that's all a man thinks you're worth. I don't see the point..It's not even so much a moral thing for me. Just too much hard work and for what, really? No man is worth being a dirty little secret for.

There's so much pressure on women to not be single nowadays that it's resulted in desperation ie 1/2 a man is better than no man. Win-win for a man who'll share his dick and a few hours with you. But nothing else really. Emotionally, financially etc he doesn't have to bother being supportive and sharing with you.

The Patriarchy wins again

Fochit · 28/02/2020 08:14

It’s probably down to low self esteem and just being happy for attention despite not being his priority.

I’m sure you deserve better.

Goldfinch432 · 28/02/2020 09:33

To be called a ‘really awful person’ would give someone low self esteem..
Living in an over civilised society where we consume, consume, consume and try to completely remove ourselves from our animal characteristics would give us depression.
Seeing monogamy as the overriding marriage vow and heading for the divorce courts when it’s broken is - in my view - not right. Yet it’s ok for the other vows love/cherish to be broken on a daily basis.

Goldfinch432 · 28/02/2020 09:36

OP you are NOT a really awful person.

Goldfinch432 · 28/02/2020 09:38

No more than 65 percent of men and 45 percent of woman are awful = majority of people are awful.

OhCaptain · 28/02/2020 09:42

But if monogamy is not your thing you don’t have to enter a monogamous marriage.

The thing is, people who cheat aren’t awful people that’s too simplistic.

People who go out of their way to purposefully have sex with married men/women? To me there has to be something lacking. Whether it’s esteem or just a sense of morality.

But there’s a reason other than falling in love with someone else while in a relationship (for example).

Goldfinch432 · 28/02/2020 09:46

I’d say rules and convention DO make you feel like you enter a marriage. I’ve decided not to get married btw. I would think many people get married intending to be monogamous. And then feel differently 10 years in after children etc. E.g if the woman feels like she no longer wants sex with her husband, yet the husband needs sex - what should he do?

OhCaptain · 28/02/2020 09:50

I do agree with you but what I mean is, if you’re 10 years in and the love is gone, or you fall hook line and sinker for someone else, or the sex is non-existent that’s not the same as focusing on married men or women for your relationships.

To purposely target married people for your relationship/sexual needs - why? There has to be a reason. It’s nothing to do with agreeing with monogamy or not. Why when there are millions of single people out there do you only focus on someone married?

Bluebutterfly90 · 28/02/2020 09:50

I think saying cheaters are really awful people might be slightly too broad a stroke.
But they are doing a really awful thing, and they can dress it up however they like but that's just the facts.

They might otherwise be a lovely person in all respects, but cheating is an awful thing to do. So, yeah, they may not be 'an awful person', but they're certainly 'a person who does awful things'.

Goldfinch432 · 28/02/2020 09:56

Yes captain! Agree that purposefully targeting is wrong!! And agree butterfly too - it’s seen as awful BEHAVIOUR. That allows a far better analysis of why it’s happened - rather than dismissing a person completely. Giving the message that the person is awful In my view is wrong @MrsTerryPratchett

Goldfinch432 · 28/02/2020 09:59

Just wondering if your user name hints at a slight bit of polyamory there...Wink

ShesCurly · 28/02/2020 10:21

E.g if the woman feels like she no longer wants sex with her husband, yet the husband needs sex - what should he do?

He should tell her that, so they can both make an equally informed decision about each of their choices.

I couldn't live in a sexless relationship, therefore I would end a relationship that became sexless.

I wouldn't want an open marriage so that wouldn't be on the table for me, so again I would end a relationship if the other person wanted that.

But if I did want an open marriage, I would tell my partner than and they could make a decision as to whether they would be comfortable with that. If not then the relationship would be over.

There's no excuse for one party being in the dark. The issue isn't monogamy vs polygamy, it's honesty vs lying.

Goldfinch432 · 28/02/2020 10:38

The thing is people DON’T tell each other - that’s the key issue here. WHY do they feel afraid to have that discussion? Or in fear. I’m sure the majority of cheaters would want to talk openly about their desires - rather than sneak about.

goldenorbspider · 28/02/2020 10:51

There's no excuse for one party being in the dark. The issue isn't monogamy vs polygamy, it's honesty vs lying.

^^this it's spineless and cowardly

Goldfinch432 · 28/02/2020 11:00

I’m going to repeat this again. The majority of people will cheat at some point in their lives. You need to address the behaviour rather than write people off.

ShesCurly · 28/02/2020 11:29

@Goldfinch432

Some of us make the right choice not the easy choice.

If you're comfortable with saying that it's the current societal framework that's the issue so you are happy to lie rather than be honest then you're saying the system is wrong but doing absolutely nothing to change that.

If more people were honest about it then the social expectation and acceptance of monogamy would be challenged and could become less important.

But you'd rather pretend to adhere to a social construct you don't believe in and lie to a partner who does believe in that social construct rather than have the courage to actively live outside that construct.

Why not be single instead of cheating? You can sleep with whoever you want then without making someone else feel shit.

ShesCurly · 28/02/2020 11:31

And I don't "write people off" if they cheat.

I don't think cheaters are evil people, I just think they do something really shitty to partners who are kept in the dark and I think that's wrong and cruel.

I'm not damning them, it's the behaviour I'm saying is awful not the person. My points are about their behaviour.