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Relationships

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Original poster

Have any of you repeatedly been an OW, and if so, do you know why?

289 replies

NoMoreDickheads · 26/02/2020 18:50

This is probably not an unknown subject for a post, but I have often found myself to be an OW.

Have any of you tended to be the same, and if so, do you know why you've tended to end up in this position?

Am not going to do it again.

OP posts:

RuffleCrow · 27/02/2020 21:59

I haven't been the OW but i do get a lot of crushes on people who are attached.

I don't know whether it's my anxious avoidant attachment style or just the fact that every fucker is married!

AnyFucker · 27/02/2020 22:04

Christ, yes. If I had taken every offer over the years...

The fact is, women can get a cheap fuck easily. I could go out tonight and pull and I am no Kim Kardashian (or whoever). The chances are though he would be more likely to be a lying dickhead, unsuitable or already attached.

Value yourself more. Discriminate...because sure as shit these players do not.

WineInTheSun · 27/02/2020 22:17

I think it’s a combination of things that have caused me to be the serial OW/never having a real relationship with a man.
Firstly, I was badly bullied in secondary school and made to feel like I don’t even deserve friends. Even my own mother told me I was boring and weird. Now I have many friends so have overcome that deep seated belief.

Then there were two men (not married) who I did fall for- but they didn’t want to be with me- one even laughed once and said ‘who would want to be with you?’ Which completely devastated me.
Since then I feel so ugly and horrendous, I feel like any man who chose to date me is pathetic and desperate, thus I’m not interested in dating them. They are clearly scraping the barrel if they would consider me as their girlfriend (not that anybody does, single men my own age don’t flirt with me).

I have realised since that I can’t be as ugly as I feel (I feel like shrek), as often strangers whom I do not know comment on me being very pretty (my job involves the public) so rationally I can’t be the ogre that I feel like I am.
I kind of feel embarrassed by my own existence so can’t see how a man would ever be permenant part of my life/want me. Due to this I tend to become obsessed with past flings and find reasons why they are ‘the one that got away’.

With married men I don’t have this- they aren’t the one that got away because it’s clear from the start there is a boundary, there isn’t a future. And that’s fine, I can’t be disappointed.

Single men my own age ignore me or ghost me after 2/3 dates, married men continue to chase me and be kind to me. I am emotionally unavailable to men in many ways (never even been to Sainsbury’s with a man, it’s always dinner/drinks and the bedroom) so it never progresses to a relationship.
Not trying to do a boo hoo me but it isn’t as simple as all OW hate other women.

goldenorbspider · 27/02/2020 22:41

There are literally millions of people to fuck in this world. I personally WOULDN'T want to fuck one who is such a dick they would only do so in secret while pretending to be monogamous to another person.

No expert on polygamy but isn't it based on openness and trust? Complete opposite of lies and affairs

GilbertMarkham · 27/02/2020 22:42

one even laughed once and said ‘who would want to be with you?

No-one normal or decent would ever say that to someone else (even if they resembled java the hutt - which I have a feeling you don't). So he's a weird, nasty wanker and I wouldn't put any store in anything he said.

There was a thread on here about things people had said that had stuck with the "recipient" and there were lots of things like that. You had to wonder about the human race that do many people like that are on the loose. I remember being told at school I should go with a certain guy because he was "the best you would get" or something like that; no harm to the guy in question but that was rather inaccurate, shall we say.

It sounds like you might benefit from counselling, and in the meantime stop going with attached men because you think you can't do better etc.

ShesCurly · 27/02/2020 22:55

@goldenorbspider

No expert on polygamy but isn't it based on openness and trust? Complete opposite of lies and affairs

Yep absolutely that's my point, I don't get why polyamorous people can't be with other openly polyamorous people instead of being publicly monogamous and seeing other people in secret. It's so unnecessarily cruel.

GilbertMarkham · 27/02/2020 23:02

The guys that cheat with ow don't want polyamory (that is two sided polyamory) -they want it for themselves but they want their wife/partner to be monogamous.

They'd blow a fkg gasket if they thought their wife was doing to them what they do to her. They think it's just the way men are and they're entitled to it. What she doesn't know won't hurt her etc (usually miscalculating her likelihood of finding out).

blueshoes · 27/02/2020 23:02

An OW may think she has one up on the spouse but actually she is the one with sloppy seconds and her youth stolen by someone who feeds her a line and then goes home to his wife and children.

She does not realise it until her youth is gone and she is alone.

I don't understand why women who have their lives ahead of them allow themselves to be shortchanged and used sexually by men who want their cake and eat it. I would be very sad for a friend in this position if she did not see this.

ShesCurly · 27/02/2020 23:05

The guys that cheat with ow don't want polyamory (that is two sided polyamory) -they want it for themselves but they want their wife/partner to be monogamous.

100%

The are so entitled that they think they simultaneously deserve the right to shag who they want behind someone's back but also deserve the monogamy of their partner. Ugh. It's totally fine if people want to shag around, just don't do it when you have a partner who thinks you are exclusive. Baffles me that anyone thinks otherwise.

GilbertMarkham · 27/02/2020 23:15

That's why the while monogamy, society etc. debate that happened itt is pretty much irrelevant.

It's not due to social etc expectations of monogamy that men get into marriages/monogamous relationships and cheat with ow; it's their personal, intrinsic desire - they want their wife and mother if their children; untouched by other men, faithful, their children definitely theirs ... while they get to play away sometimes because (insert justification/rationalisation here).

When men had absolute power they put as many women as they fancied in "nice" prisons with no access to other men (other than castrated guards perhaps) and fked their way through them, producing dozens of men. Polygamy (polygyny) for them, monogamy for the women. That's what a lot of men would do if they could but in our society they settle for ow. They're very happy with monogamy as long as it only applies to their wives (and they pretend it's two-way to get it from their wives). It's not a case of monogamy being some fake thing pushed onto both men and women, that they'd happily give up if they weren't so conditioned.

GilbertMarkham · 27/02/2020 23:17

*producing dozens of children (not men)

Goldfinch432 · 27/02/2020 23:19

I’d say a lot of people’s ‘free will’ is destroyed by feeling compelled to follow the social norm i.e. marriage. Is it really something most people - particularly men - want to do? Is it something that still works for people - especially 10/20 years down the line? Or is marriage based on outdated religious views that we still feel the need to adhere to?

Goldfinch432 · 27/02/2020 23:28

That prison concept is a bit weird. I can fend for myself. Ideally - I’d be polygamous - and I’m not a man. I’d live in a commune where everyone had the same shared ideals. Resources, childcare etc would be shared. Think I’d be extremely happy.

Goldfinch432 · 27/02/2020 23:48

And Ygritte can come join me in my commune x

Goldfinch432 · 27/02/2020 23:52

And congrats to all the people who manage to follow a monogamous relationship. But instead of chastising all the 45 percent of women and 65 percent of men that cheat, perhaps we just need to ind a better way????

Goldfinch432 · 28/02/2020 00:05

Loving and enjoying sex another person doesn’t give me low self esteem - social constructs would give me low self esteem IF I never questioned them - or thought there might be an alternative viewpoint.

Goldfinch432 · 28/02/2020 00:44

Perhaps OP wants to feel free to fall in love with whoever she chooses. Ideally - in society - this should be ok - and people should not feel compelled to be monogamous if they don’t want to be. THIS is the issue. You can’t just dismiss ‘cheaters’ as the majority of people ‘cheat’.

MyShinyWhiteTeeth · 28/02/2020 00:49

I was viewed as and felt like the OW when I was a teenager by one ex-girlfriend; they'd split but she wasn't accepting it and kept threatening suicide. Eventually she started to accept they'd split up but was unable to deal with seeing us together so we had to be discreet. After putting up with months of grief I was encouraged by my friend and next door neighbour to end things. They promptly started dating seriously. The suicidal ex and him were childhood sweethearts and I couldn't deal with him constantly putting her first. My neighbour refused to let him pander to her and would restrict how much time he spent with her; she ended up sectioned. They were together for several years and then he dumped her for his first love. I think my mistake was allowing our relationship to be hidden and not seen as serious.

I've been the OW unknowingly when I was young until the girlfriend/ex-girlfriend contacted me. I thought it was too much hassle and I wasn't likely to have anything the do with the man until he was definitely single - but I'd been put off by his unresolved relationship issues with his on/off girlfriend. My mistake here was not spending time getting to know him properly first. I'd trusted him too soon.

I had a few good relationships and then fell for a serial cheater. I believe I was the OW at the start of our relationship as he didn't properly end things with his previous ex.I think there was overlap. We went on a few dates that were not his regular places so he kept me fairly distant from his life at first. My mistake was jumping in too soon before I really knew him. Apparently his ex tried to commit suicide after I became pregnant but I was told this by one of his drunk friends and the ex girlfriend's friend. The previous ex made a few nasty remarks to me and I had to ask who she was.

GothamProtector · 28/02/2020 00:49

Yes you can. You want to have sex with Tom, Dick and Harry. Do it.

But don't live with Tom making him believe that it's just you two while shagging Dick and Harry throughout the week.

That's the shorty part.

Goldfinch432 · 28/02/2020 01:08

No - I’d like to live with Tom, Dick AND Harry.

GothamProtector · 28/02/2020 01:11

Then that's fine. As long as they consent. But again. That's not how cheaters run is it?

Goldfinch432 · 28/02/2020 01:12

However - growing up - my family would have frowned in this, and most people would. To be ostracised would make me comply with societies rules.

Goldfinch432 · 28/02/2020 01:16

‘Cheaters’ are the majority of society. They are not following societies ‘rules’. So what wrong - the rules - or the people?

GothamProtector · 28/02/2020 01:17

The people.

Goldfinch432 · 28/02/2020 01:18

Sorry - what’s wrong - the rules? - or the people?

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