Dating Thread 185. Rule 6 reminder - People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.

[bangheadhere40]

The Rules: 1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating. 2. Develop a thick skin. 3. Do not invest emotionally too soon. 4. It's all BS until it actually happens. 5. Trust your gut instinct. 6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault. 7. Know your worth. 8. If it's not fun, stop. 9. Loo update is mandatory. 10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy. Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps click here ** Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

Alittlebitconfused I wouldn't read too much into it,he obviously is just very much into you and wants to see you. Yes,its a bit full on ,well very full on but I reckon a chat when you next see him could do the trick. Tell him it's a bit too much and will put you off. Men need to be told as he probably thinks he is being romantic!
Always listen to your gut but in this case I think you just have an over excited man wanting to see you.

Yes I will meet him. Hes sent a nice good morning happy friday text, all seems normal I'll just keep my guard up lol.
He has been eager to meet but he hasnt pushed it when I've made it clear I'm busy. Or got stroppy. And he isn't overly messaging etc. They cant win can they, dont want to meet and were all he is mucking me around. Does want to meet and were all is he a physco .
So I'll just see how it goes. I'm very conscious that because of my last relationship I dont always process things in the same way. I'm happy to be aware that I sometimes have to ask for a 2nd opinion but also confident that I'll make the right decision if doubts continue.

@bangheadhere40 it was a joke but I think a bit of a fact finding mission on his part too. A bit of a I wonder what she'd do if I popped round for a cuppa (which I've mentioned may not be a problem if I'm working from home here and there) Not after only 2 dates though lol.
I think it was a joke aimed at testing the waters. Unluckily for him I cant stand shit like that. So it had the opposite effect. I shall proceed with caution and if anything else crops up that makes me uncomfortable I just wont see him again. I work on a 3 strike and out policy even if the strikes are tiny ones.

@ALittleBitConfused1 it's the kind of joke I might send to someone. I wouldn't think anything of it if I got it I'd laugh. I think it's quite funny! As long as it clearly was a joke, which it was as he said about the neighbour.

This thread moves so fast I can't keep up!

@bangheadhere40 Really respect you for deciding he's not giving you what you need and deciding to move on.

@TheCatWithTheHat I agree you should have the chat with MissH. From what you've said about her situation that might be all she wants anyway but it's much better to be honest and then see where you're both at.

I have my date with Mr Fit tomorrow and I'm not sure. I feel like as we've messaged through the week he's got more keen and quite a bit shyer. There doesn't seem to be that lightness that was there to start with and he seems quite invested. I'm going to go because I know that messages aren't a fair reflection but in my gut I don't feel like it'll go anywhere...

Have been chatting to Mr Petrol (have changed his name from Mr Funny) who I have a date with next week. He is actually making me laugh out loud and we've both seen videos of each other on social media and both said we really fancy each other. He was quiet last night but we were both out so hoping that picks up again today

Then out of nowhere Mr Finance has reappeared. I really clicked with him on messages, we switched to FB, sent more messages but he would message once a week saying how much he wanted to meet up and then not do anything about it. I got fed up sent him my phone number and said use it before I get bored and he didn't even read the message for 2 weeks! He's just tx me and said hey stranger did I leave it too long?! Grrrr!

Mr Finance sounds like a waste of time!

I think I'm going to have to message mr confident and lay my cards on the table. I cant do uncertainty and need to know if hes into this or not.

Good Morning everyone - well I read somewhere yesterday that Thursdays are a "prime" day for OLD usage and that certainly held true for me - I received a 5 new matches over the evening. tried to use some of the tips I'd been given on here for 1st line openers and I got a mixed response.
I think it holds true what someone said about the talkative funny ones that initiate the conversation are just after sex. The 2 guys I was speaking to last night both turned the conversation to sex after just a few messages....big sigh.... I did continue chatting with one of them because he put me in a talkative mood but think if i meet him it will only head one way so very hesitant about him. Will see if any of them continue talking to me today - I do find most guys that you've been chatting with one evening just never continue the chat.
I wills ya good morning to the 1 guy who I actually think might be genuine and see if any of the other "possibles" make an effort.

I have been following the thread as there is so much good advice to be found but this is my first post. I am in a bit of a predicament. I started OLD around 2 months ago - one iron Mr Fun has remained in touch throughout and we’ve met up a few times. The issues I have are he has dogs which play a prominent role in his life as in they go most places with him. Nice that he is so caring towards animals but a little bit of me is wary about him enjoying controlling them. I was in an emotionally abusive marriage many years ago and have had little experience of relationships since. Another thing is he is very funny and I enjoy his company but he can suddenly be quite vulgar with his jokes or make indirect references to others and I wonder if it’s to make me jealous. I see when he goes onto the dating site which again makes me feel a bit insecure. I have met up with someone else Mr Serious a couple of times in the last 2 weeks who has told me he really likes me a lot and would want to be exclusive. He is a lovely man but I don’t know if we’re suited either. I don’t want to hurt anybody but also don’t want to make the wrong decision for me. A few weeks after I started OLD I ended the contact with Mr Fun in a positive way although it was because I started seeing someone but as soon as he saw my details reappear a week or 1 later he contacted me again which I felt was very forgiving and showed a good side to him. I am so confused about my next steps.

quiet I don’t really get the dogs thing, sorry. I get the sense that Mr Fun may just be fun, but there’s not necessarily anything wrong in that. What are you really looking for, do you know yet? For many of us, the early days of OLD are for establishing what on Earth we want!

Sorry to end the thread on a bit of a downer but I think I’ve reached the end of the toad with Mr GN. This is going to sound silly but I think he’s a parasite. I earn more than him so I don’t mind things being a bit unequal, but last night he polished off the thick end of a half bottle of good gin that was in my drinks cupboard, topping up a few times without asking me. It’s not the first time either. There are other things too. I’m conscious that The Parasite film did make a big impression on me, so perhaps I’m being harsh, but it’s a niggle that keeps niggling 😢

Ha ha road, not toad, obviously.

I think my experience of guys ( mostly over 50 but not all) is that they become quite fixed in what they like doing or how they live their lives, particularly those who have never married, had children and/or live alone. So the dogs thing is probably something he has always done and doesn't see an issue with it.
For me I don't have a long list of prerequisites about job, family, income , looks. Everybody has quirks to their personality but if they don't have a good heart and a positive outlook I will invariably walk away.

Good for you @bangheadhere40 it's good to see you assert what YOU want. But don't got back to Mr not Straight!

Really @TigerDater I thought things were all good? The gin would annoy me. I have cheap aldi stuff for swigging. Keep your hands off my good stuff!

@TigerDater, I am not overly familiar with the details of you and Mr GN but it sounds like he's not bringing enough into your life in general. I think if he was, him drinking your gin wouldn't bother you ( then again ) but when stuff like that starts to niggle it would seem you are not feeling it with him as much as you might like

Thanks all. I just have to word it now. Ideally I would want to say the lack of effort isn't really enough for me, and I feel he doesn't respect my time by leaving things so late in the day to confirm / not confirm.

I think I will just have to be kinder though and say the distance is an issue and I want to start a new relationship where it's easier to see each other. I hate doing things like this......and am a bit of a wimp.

If we see each other three nights a week he will usually bring a bottle one night and/or pay for and make supper. This week all he’s done is bring a box of cookies. It’s always niggled me about him, but right from the start of OLD I’ve been conscious that I’m vulnerable to parasites because of my age and earnings/assets so I’ve tried to fight it a bit. Mr GN does bring a lot to my life, he’s a giver not a taker in every other respect. Gah I don’t know now

@TigerDater I think you seem to be one of the most together people on this thread so if you feel its not right, it probably isnt. Thats such a shame though i'm sorry.
@bangheadhere40 Well done for making the decision. I dont think its unkind to tell him the truth though ? Unless the distance really IS an issue ?

I'm struggling today. Ive noticed that after every time I see Mr P I feel down the next day. I really would like to see him more! He is very set in his childcare routine and I dont drive which means he is the one coming to me all the time. Which also means we only see each one day a week and the odd weekend. Im very conscious that me not driving may get wearing on him ( understandably ). He lives 40 mins away. If I drove I could get to his quickly an additional day in the week rather than put it all on him. I have got the train to his when I stayed over but I am reluctant to do that late at night.
Blah...I think I just look for reasons why this wont work I cant stop myself !
Blah I think I just

@Clovertoast - I am secretly hoping he just doesn't get back in touch now and it kind of fizzles out, it would be a lot easier. I don't know what to say for the best.

Sounds hard with Mr P....maybe once a week isn't enough for you? have you mentioned you would like to see him more? is he receptive?

I would like to see him more thats the issue.
The thing is I don't see how we can.
He has his children 50/50, basically every 2 days and every other weekend so we are seeing each other on one of his 2 chidfree weekdays and have seen each other twice on his childfree weekend.
He has said its been a problem in the past when he's tried to date and has put women off.
Eurgh. While I love the fact he is clearly a devoted dad, they are both quite small ( under 10 ) so I would have to wait fir quite a while for this to change.

@bangheadhere40 sorry it’s not worked out for You and he couldn’t give you the input you needed

@TigerDater I have a policy anyone who comes to my house can help themselves to whatever. Maybe you niggle is with him not being grateful or not asking. Does he even say shall I get us both a drink. It’s a hard issue to bring up to discuss as well.

@Clovertoast I see mr g once a week and maybe one in 3 Fridays. I’ll be honest it’s not enough but I don’t have any other time at the moment. But we’ll have to live with it as I’d rather that than not have him in my life. And in a few months we feel like we could meet with our kids and that will give us more time together.

@TheCatWithTheHat - I'm not the most diplomatic, so sorry if this sounds harsh but...

To me, the way you talk about miss confusing is creepy AF. She's said she's not interested, and you are still fixating on her. If you were right for each other, you'd have been able to make it work. A good relationship survived the hard times. You really need to move past her, and understand that you are fixating on the idealised imagination of a person you hardly know.

I've tried not to comment before, but I've a history of being stalked and assaulted and what you say sets all my Spidey senses off.

@TigerDater can you change they dynamic by going to his? It's hard when it's unbalanced in one direction all the time.

I got the impression that Mr GN brought plenty of other things to your life, so maybe rather than ditching him, try talking about the one niggling problem so you can keep all the benefits.

I don’t think he’s ungrateful and he usually offers to get me a drink if my glass is empty, but it’s emptier much less than his 😂. Like you jane I love to be generous and entertain but helping yourself is something I would never do in someone else’s house. I’ve fought hard against my parasite XH for my independence and house, Mr GN knows this, so I think he’s got the wrong end of the stick if he thinks that sleeping with me gives him the right to drink my gin without asking 😂. And yes, it’s a tricky subject to bring up. Gah.