Dating Thread 185. Rule 6 reminder - People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.

[bangheadhere40]

The Rules: 1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating. 2. Develop a thick skin. 3. Do not invest emotionally too soon. 4. It's all BS until it actually happens. 5. Trust your gut instinct. 6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault. 7. Know your worth. 8. If it's not fun, stop. 9. Loo update is mandatory. 10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy. Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps click here ** Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

dancer well he’s obviously a much better lover than your previous sexual partners so I think that may explain at least some of your anxiety, understandably - you want some more! But it is very early days and the fact that he’s only ever had FBs and FWBs before suggests to me that you are right to proceed with caution for now. I really hope it will be more though if that’s what you want.

shitwithsugaron I like meeting people from Fab for a social. There's less pressure than normal dating. And some of the conversations I've had have been erm.... interesting.

unambiguousbeard that's disappointing about your swiping session.
I tried the same at the weekend. I got silent ones, Homer Simpson lookalikes or sex pests.
Where are the normal men??

@Dancerinthemoonlight that's what good sex does. First all the loved up hormones/oxytocin then when they wear off often there's a bit of insecurity.

@eesha I swipe on bearded men mainly! Outdoorsy ones. Preferably with tattoos. I'm not in the least cool and arty. I wish I was! I need them to be intelligent though. And left wing. Luckily I don't care about height or hair. I'm not a fan of a man in a suit or a work shirt. I think I'm quite narrow in my likes.
The trouble with old is if half the men I reject online chatted me up in a bar I'd probably fall for them and ignore whatever puts me off online!

@TigerDater I told him on the first date that I don't do casual sex, hookups, fwbs etc and then said after we had DTD that I didn't want it heading into fwb territory. Early this morning when he drove me home he said he was surprising himself as he has never wanted to hold hands or kiss in public so it's looking positive but I'm cautious

@Dancerinthemoonlight to me, that sounds really promising!

@Dancerinthemoonlight fwb in the first few months of dating is not really any different to a relationship as you are getting to know each other anyway. As long as you are happy then I’d go with it without worrying about labels

Ooo, that does sound promising dancer, good for you for stating what you do and don’t want so clearly!

I think I have been love bombed in previous relationships and have therefore rushed into things too quickly. I want to take my time and see what develops naturally but equally I don't want to be sleeping with someone who is sleeping with others but I can't say anything as that's rushing into things. My plan at the moment is to see how things develop over the next 2 months until my birthday and see where we are and what I feel then. I might be putting all my feelings here rather than saying them to him in the interests of trying to go at a natural pace.

I disagree you can't say about sleeping with others @Dancerinthemoonlight I think it's a conversation we should be having. Even using a condom i think it's right to protect both our sexual and mental health. He can say he is still open to sleeping with others and you can decide whether that's ok with you. Imho.

Just catching up, lots of lovely updates. @Dancerinthemoonlight I like all your updates, he sounds like just what you need right now and tomorrow and next week will take care of itself.
@bangheadhere40 great updates for different reasons, that your putting your needs first and not playing someone else’s games.
@shitwithsugaron great you went on a social, as you say just doing something to feel good.
@Menora I like how you and mr m talk and you reflect on your actions.
I’ve probably missed someone in there!
@Ant330 glad your finding and taking the time to let the dust settle and starting to find a way to process all that’s happened.

I had a horrible meeting about the kids this morning, the joys of having a child with SN but got a phone call from my best friend inviting me out to lunch, she’s having some issues and wanted the distraction so we talked about old and did that teenage girl thing (or maybe what we do here) and dissected everything and everyone I’m talking to!! Really helpful to get someone who knows me really wells opinion! So she thinks mr scenery is incredibly dull in his texts but she likes him because of how he is in person, she likes Mr rugby and has persuaded me to go for coffee with him tomorrow as I was thinking about cancelling, she really likes mr old as do I hed be a great fwb but I think I got to the conclusion he’s simply too confident for me and I know I’d feel insecure with him, I think it’s intesting I’ve realised that’s what’s keeping me away from him. We both really like a guy I matched with last night, mr dateable, it was one of those chats that started slowly but built and built to the I could message all night! I don’t know where that will go, but there’s something that feels very different about him, big issue so far is he’s said I’m too far away - I’m really not, but I wonder if we’ve clicked because we’ve said not going to happen as too far so we’ve been more real and found we like each other - not sure if that makes sense. Time will tell.

@stuckinarut67 that was what Mr Staight said to me originally, I'm too far away. I then found myself being able to talk a lot easier with him because of it, and fell for the guy big time. In reality he had said I was too far away, I should have listened and left it there.

Be careful not to get into penpal territory, and because you end up being able to talk so freely to them it's easier if you don't expect to meet at first.

How far away is he?

The thread seems to be in a good place at the moment. Lots of supportive and empowering advice which I think I am feeling gradually able to apply in my own life.
Irons update. Seeing Mr Photography tonight. We have settled into an easy going FWB scenario. I like him because he will often message and just say are you free ? I had a naughty Friday last week because I spent the afternoon with Mr Cocky and the evening with Mr Photography. Seeing Mr Cocky again this Friday and things seem to have taken a slight step in a different direction and he has begun to talk about staying over. We have known each other 6 years and we spend all day messaging each other about random stuff. I credit him with making life a lot more bearable in the early days of me looking for a new guy after my DH passed away. Mr Cocky made me feel sexy and desirable and reassured me that life would go on. I will always be grateful for that. And he has the most wonderful knack of saying the right thing when you need to hear it.
One or two others who I can't remember if I have named or not ! The one I am most likely to see has gone on holiday for a week. I think it all feels pretty good at the moment because there is no one I am massively invested in. It's the waiting and wondering about someone who has caught my full attention that I find difficult to endure.

@stuckinarut79 that's really good advice thank you. I'm a big believer in if something is meant to happen then it will happen.

I'm getting to a really good place in my life at the moment. I'm happier than I have been in ages even when I'm not with Mr Army. My wrist is healing and I'm feeling more positive about that. I'm excited to look for a job in my new career field when my surgeon gives me the green light. I'm beginning to loose the emotional eating weight and I'm getting to a point where I am happy with the way I look.
Mr Army is the icing on the cake at the moment, he makes me happy both when I'm with him and his text when he has the chance to text me. I'm genuinely looking forward to getting to know him better and seeing how it progresses.

I haven't spoken to my iron since monday and I messaged him today and haven't had a response which makes me sad. I guess I'll just have to wait to see what happens there. If he does respond I think I might need to get the courage to ask what we are and where he sees us going (if anywhere!)

Not caught up but @Stuckinarut79 there are an incredible amount of us on here with kids with SEN. Myself included although she's as yet undiagnosed. But honestly, practically every other poster! Lovemusic, Batshit and tooold off the top of my head!

This thread does seem good, I think we all seem strong in ourselves and learning so much about ourselves!

Spoke to Mr M today after chatting to my best friend. I said to her that I didn’t like some of the things I felt I was niggling at Mr M about for no reason. She said it was because I feel vulnerable right now, which is true and to just acknowledge it if I don’t like something I have said to him and own it.

So I spoke to M on the phone about an hour ago for a catch up and I said look about the niggle comments, I don’t want them to become a thing where I am picking on you for no reason and it’s about my insecurity. He said he totally understood why I say some things/ask and he isn’t offended and upset but totally on the same page as to why I want to stop doing something I don’t like, and we both agreed that self reflection and improvement is important to both of us as is communication. He’s got things he wants to improve on and so do I. And thinking about how our actions affect one another is important

I think I might just give up on OLD again. Honestly out of dozens of matches there is no one who's really caught me. And I am trying! I asked mr football out and he said yes but he's not really engaged with it. Mr baggage is way too baggagey.

Mr U has had some good news about his business. I think I might just carry on having sex with him til there's a reason not to.

I also had a little weep last night about my impending divorce and house sale. Just sad that all the effort that went into building a family was pissed away by exH being so horrible to me. It's so bloody hard being a single parent. I so wish we had been able to stay as a family. I never really admit that to myself. I've been worrying I made the wrong decision kicking him out but was reminded by a friend a few reasons why. So maybe I can't really date til I've moved. Think I need to actually be a bit sad.

@unambiguousbeard I wanted to respond to your post because it's totally okay to allow yourself to be sad, and it's part of processing everything. It is sad to lose the future you thought you'd have, especially a home you built as a family. I've been looking at exh recently and thinking, I spent nearly quarter of my life with you! How do I move on from that?! But we will. Given time. I'm taking a step back from dating and I feel the strongest I have in a long time, and happy in myself. And that isn't attributable to some guy in my life, which is how I had been sometimes. Come and join the singleton thread if you like. And have a good cry

I’ve got a date tomorrow night with Mr Roof, first date but we’ve spoken on the phone a few times without issue. He’s looking for his soulmate, which I don’t think will be me, but I’m going to see how we get along. He’s very respectful, or seems to be, but maybe too nice?!
Mr Not Hotty is still on the scene, I haven’t seen him due to illness, but think I may see him Sunday.

Then, out of the blue, my first OLD, Mr Baldy, has messaged asking how I am. No idea why? It ended because we had nothing in common but he was a lovely person
For a 50+ I’m not doing too badly! It does wonders for my self esteem!

@unambiguousbeard I agree with Pp don't feel like you shouldn't take time to be sad, it's such a major life change going through a divorce. I'm finding it difficult enough and I don't have kids in the mix. When I feel like it's overwhelming I just step back from it and do nice things with friends instead of thinking about dating.

At the moment I seem to have 2 new irons. Mr Fit who I mentioned yesterday, seems lovely also seems to be quite set on wanting a relationship which I'm not sure how I feel about but as we haven't even had a date yet I'll see how it goes on Saturday. He's very chatty on messages and I guess is a prime example of how when a guy is keen he makes it known.

Mr Funny (my names are crap aren't they!) is just that, funny, good chat, flirty, up front about looking for a FWB and we're meeting up next week.

Mr Repeat has been a complete let down, after apologising profusely for mucking me around last week and professing that he really wanted to see me, I haven't heard from him since Sunday so I've archived our convos and am leaving him to it.

@unambiguousbeard it's ok to feel sad about the life that might have been. It feels like you are putting too much pressure on yourself to meet someone. It's not an easy thing to do. If you just are ok with casual, why not try FAB? That might fill the void for a bit without the emotional attachment of Mr U. I think you seem extremely strong as a person and you shouldn't be lowering your standards for anyone.

@Misty9 thank you. I really think I might join you over there. I'm just not interested in having a relationship. Sex and a cuddle a couple of times a month is more than enough at the moment. And I don't have the wherewithal to put in the necessary for that really. I've never ever let myself be sad. It took so much strength and persistence to leave and then when he did I was so liberated and happy. I think it's only now that I actually can be sad. It doesn't mean I made the wrong decision. You're right, it's sad to not have the future I was expecting. Or the family. And moving will totally shut the door on all that finally and cut all our ties. Which is obviously positive but sad nonetheless.

I don't think I actually realised the divorce would be sad. I thought it was all about the desperation but actually until we're divorced it's not really done is it?

Thanks @Eesha

Yeah I'm tough as old leather. I wish I wasn't but I've had to be. The last ten years have been utterly brutal. Although also incredible as I've had my kids.

I think mr U is actually not a bad idea. He's not looking for anyone, he has no interest. I know where I am with him. We have great sex. He makes no demands on me. We get each other. It kind of works. That "man for a season/reason" thing makes total sense with him.

@unambiguousbeard sorry to hear you're feeling sad. It's understandable though, and perfectly OK to take some time to grieve for what you've lost.

@Dancerinthemoonlight great to hear your update, and I totally understand where you're coming from with feeling anxious this morning, but it all seems good!

@bangheadhere40 any more contact from Mr Dumfries about this weekend? And how funny Mr Not Straight got back in touch - do you think he's genuine, or just looking for an ego boost?

@Ant330 sorry to hear things didn't work out with MissH - if I was in your shoes, I'd be a bit confused if she had got back in touch after a week. Hopefully it's not set you back in your recovery too much.

@Menora it's always a tricky one when a partner uses social media or WhatsApp a lot more than you, as it's quite easy to assume the worst. I'm in various groups with work and friends, and if I don't keep on top of the messages can easily have 100+ messages to read if I haven't checked my phone for the evening, so it's not unusual for me to catch up in the middle of the night if I wake up and can't get back to sleep.

I'm hoping to meet Miss Haircut again tomorrow as we both have a day off work. Not quite sure where it's going - I'm the first person she's dated since her divorce, and she has a lot going on in her life as well as a busy job, so I'm not even sure she's looking for something serious. I'm not sure still about how I see it going long term, so I guess we need to have a chat about this at some point sooner rather than later. I do worry though about hurting her though if she wants more from this than I do.

I've had a few dates too over the last week or so, with women I'd matched with over the last couple of weeks. I felt a bit guilty doing so now that I've seen Miss Haircut a few times, but I didn't feel any connection with any of them so at least that solves that dilemma.

I'm also having a wobble about Miss Confusing - I still miss her, and woke up dreaming about her yesterday. It's been a month now since we last spoke, and I've had to have a word with myself to stop myself getting in touch