Dating Thread 185. Rule 6 reminder - People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.

[bangheadhere40]

The Rules: 1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating. 2. Develop a thick skin. 3. Do not invest emotionally too soon. 4. It's all BS until it actually happens. 5. Trust your gut instinct. 6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault. 7. Know your worth. 8. If it's not fun, stop. 9. Loo update is mandatory. 10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy. Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps click here ** Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

I can't keep up with the thread... But the comments about having children with SEN really struck home. I think a lot more families split when children have additional needs. And it's usually the mum who ends up with the caring "burden" after divorce. And having kids with additional needs makes dating so hard.

I'm in a strange mood. I think the relief of finally getting a place in an autism unit for DS1 has left me with time to process everything. I'm no longer so focused on tribunals and EHCPs that I have time to think. And reflect on my marriage breaking up. I get where you're coming from @unambiguousbeard.

Hi @TheCatintheHat....still no mention of weekend plans/ when I will see Mr Dumfries but he has been messaging regularly. Very annoying now....but if he can't think about me ( knowing I have childcare to sort) after I asked him to let me know it's not great!

I was shocked to hear from Mr Not Straight and I've no idea if genuine. It sounds it, very, but also all talk....there's no actual request to do anything, just suggestive things about the future. He was also phishing to see if I've met anyone yet, probably more curious and wants to see if he still has an admirer. I'm taking it with a huge pinch of salt as words are cheap really. Whatever his intentions ( real or not) is irrelevant unless he steps up, which he never has.

Sounds like you like Miss Haircut...do you keep in touch much between dates?

Sorry about miss confusing....I think it's worse as it's the wondering what could have been...which is why it's harder than a normal relationship finishing sometimes.

@thecatwiththehat sorry just re read that you aren't that into Miss Haircut or not sure. It's probably only fair to have a chat if you aren't hoping for more. Just check you are on the same page.

Cat at least you've already had a word with yourself and recognise that messaging her is not the right thing to do for you 😉 like PPs said you're pining for what might have been more than the reality imo.

The text message from MissH early last week set me back when she said she was wondering if she'd done the right thing. This weeks messages didn't bother me at all, and if I'm honest I was just irritated that she didn't have the guts to even bring it up when the ball was left in her court. I just archived the chat again, out of sight out of mind, keep moving on.

I have also had a slight distraction as I met a very nice woman in the pub on Saturday night. When we got onto the topic of current relationship status I explained that I was only just coming out of an 8 month relationship. Thought that would be a conversation stopper, but she said when I'm ready to date again she would like to hear from me. We swapped numbers and she subsequently asked me to go out for a coffee on Monday afternoon (just as friends) and I had a lovely couple of hours. I would definitely date her, so hopefully she's still single when I'm ready.

@bangheadhere40 that's frustrating - does he have kids of his own? I don't myself, and it's easy to forget sometimes that people who do need to plan things more in advance, and aren't always so flexible.

If Mr Not Straight steps up, do you think you'd be open to seeing him again?

I do like Miss Haircut, but I'm also more aware now that I have a tendency to fall into relationships with people I like, but aren't ideal - and it always comes back to bite me at some point. I'm still trying to figure out exactly what I want from a relationship. Having a family was previously never on my radar as my previous partner couldn't have them, and it was only when Miss Confusing said she did that it made me think about whether that was something I would be open to - and I think I do. But being mid-40's I'm aware that I don't have a huge amount of time left, so am feeling the pressure a bit to make sure my next relationship is with the right person.

I also like being able to go away at weekends, go to concerts etc... which Miss Haircut isn't able to do due to her job and kids - at most she can get one night away.

We don't speak much between dates - she's busy with her kids and job, and also has a few other things going on that are taking up her time, and that's another thing that bothers me slightly, as I like to keep in touch more than she does.

@Ant330 I know what I'm like, and I think I will give in at some point and send her a message or email. But not today :) I'm finding recently that it's actually stuff we did and spoke about that I'm pining over most. Even though we dated for just 3 months, we spoke virtually every day for 6 months, and talked a lot so there are lots of memories to be triggered. Actually, you're probably right and I'm mostly sad about what could have been. But I still miss her. I've also given in and looked at her Instagram account, and from a couple of posts it seems she's feeling quite down still, and just doing things with her family when she's not working. Based on the post just after Valentine's Day, she's unhappily single, but I haven't seen her profile on Tinder either so assume she's not looking - which fits with what she told me about not being ready for a relationship at the moment.

That's great you've met someone else in real life - hopefully timings will align and you'll see her soon once you're ready to meet.

@thecatwiththehat Mr Dumfries has 1 older child who is nearly an adult but still visits him. I did ask him to let me know so I could plan childcare. The lack of interest / listening is not making me happy now. I need a bit more......will see what today brings ( I'm guessing nothimg).

I am so wary of Mr Not Straight now, I couldn't see him again as I did last time. The trust has gone there as well. I'm not clinging onto hope he's serious, or pursuing.

Hopefully you can have a chat with Miss Haircut later. If you want more contact between dates, can you message her a little more, or suggest a phone call maybe.

@TheCatWithTheHat I suppose it depends if you are on the same page casually with Miss Haircut. I think there are lots, including myself, who don't have the free time to spend with someone due to work and childcare so if it's not for you, then move on. Don't lose hope if you do now want kids, I have several friends who were in their late 30s who wanted someone exactly like you with no baggage so don't lose hope. I would not message Miss Confusing though, she has had plenty of chances with you but not contacted you.

Well I've decided Bumble is officially crap! Been on there one week and I've had zero matches.
Bumble thinks I've had matches but when I look there's nothing there. So either they unmatched me super quick or there was nothing there in the first place.

Tinder isn't much better. But at least I've got matches on there. However none of them want to chat with me.

It seems no one wants to date a 52 year old sporty woman. Or maybe I've just scared them all away 😀

Cat all I'd say is what effect will messaging her have on you? Will it build up that bit of hope that she'll reply positively, whereas the longer you don't hear from her that hope slowly dwindles away.
Honestly, she knows how to get hold of you if she wants to.
Think it's a case of accepting right person wrong time, and you can't control that, just have to accept it and move on.
Regarding MissHaircut it doesn't sound like you're sure yet that she's right for you long term, so it's a question of whether you're happy to carry on as you are, or if you want something more then you need to move on.

Had another message from Mr Repeat last night, saying he'd broken his phone and wondering if he'd missed a message from me. I can't work him out, he's a sweet guy I think he's just going through a bit of a time and seems to be surrounded by chaos. Not really what I'm after at the mo but I guess he brings out the bit that wants to mother him - not good!

Mr Funny has turned out to be very interesting. Very intelligent, bounce of each other really well and excellent flirting. Also I was really impressed as he broached the topic of safe sex and was really upfront about how important that is. I'm looking forward to meeting him Wednesday.

Mr Fit seems very keen, messaging all the time but he also seems quite shy and quite difficult to banter with as he's so nice! I'm seeing him Saturday but feel bad as feel more excited about Mr Funny and that made me feel a bit rubbish earlier, about how OLD just opens you up to making things so much more disposable and always about looking for the next better thing. Is that what I'm doing? I'm meeting him Saturday so will just see how it goes.

@UncorrectedDoormat I can relate, for me all that I’ve had to go through (ehcp, tribunal, out of school for a year) showed me I was akin in my marriage, that stbxh was not available emotionally and couldnt support me in any way, I just didn’t see it till life got hard.
I mentioned to my mum I was dating and her first response was “he’ll have to be a very strong man to deal with DD” that really pissed me off, and said so, my children have a dad and they don’t need another, but it’s certainly on my list of needs, someone who isn’t judgemental, can understand why I don’t work at the moment - childcare is going to be a massive issue, and having had my DD out of school for a year while fighting for a specialist placement, I need some time, as well as ongoing arguments, complaints about the local authority, it’s a full time job in itself! But also the how this could one day look, way way down the line is scary, I think being with someone who had children is tricky, being with someone with children with sen is a whole other level, but I’m thinking all I can do is be honest, keep looking for any red flags and take things incredibly slow!! But also just enjoy dating and getting to know someone away from all the children/Sen stuff.

@EchoElephant I'm with you! following on from my posts couple of days ago tried again with both apps - reviewed my profile and spent a while swiping away. No matches on Bumble and I've now got the end of users in my area. 5 matches on Tinder. Did send a message to each one - kept it generic nothing that could possibly be taken as offensive and only reply I got was from a guy based over 100 miles away - he was travelling and in my area when I swiped!
Now really regretting ending things with Mr Mechanic :(
Maybe the Corona Virus is putting people off at the moment?? Or maybe things will pick up at the weekend?

@iamthrough and @EchoElephant I'm the same I get a decent amount of matches. none reply or make any effort to message 1st on tinder. any that do want a hook up type thing.

texting a few but not sure I'd actually call them irons. Mr Capital sends about 1 message a day, Mr oil is offshore and did say he wouldnt have much to say but messages arent great. thinking of letting them die out. mr oil did suggest meeting when he back so could do that?

Mr vehicle started chatting yesterday, have arranged to meet fri. he has added me on fb already (not sure if that's normal) but he seems pretty genuine.

@Stuckinarut79 - I'm also enjoying having a part of my life that's for me, and getting to take a break from the full-on nature of parenting a child with additional needs. My exH is somewhat stepping up at last, but not really to deal with any of the SEN stuff. But just having all the DC at once is a huge step.

@ant330 you seem to be a hit with the ladies!! Sorry She hasn't been more open to picking things back up. If you are meant to be together it will happen.

@thecatwiththehat I can't see what there is to be gained by getting back in touch with Miss Confusing. Time to delete her contact details and accept it's done. It's also interesting to see you are going on dates whilst sleeping with Miss H as there has been a whole wave of the thread being anxious about this after sex. Have you been upfront with her you are still dating?

Will catch up properly later, knowing how much everyone chats we’ll have another thread before we know it!

Just popped in to say MrNN has his life in the UK test in about 15 minutes, 🤞🏽

Good luck to Mr NN!

I wouldn't go that far notcool 😂
My mate knew one of the women she was with which is how we got chatting and it went from there.
She wants to meet up again for coffee or a drink over the weekend, bit undecided as to whether to meet up again so soon as I dont want to feel under any pressure to be ready to date again or give the impression that I'm ready until I actually am.
She knows that though so...

Good luck to MrNN Simon 🤞

so Mr Vehicle hasnt been online since last night. Is that weird or am i just on my phone way too much ? 🙈

he isnt working today. he was online most of yesterday, maybe hes just having a rest. who knows.

@iamthrough Sorry can't really offer much in the way of what makes for a decent message. On sites apart from Bumble the first message is mostly down to me, and then on Bumble I was not an indiscriminate swiper so if I'd matched, it's because I'd liked the profile and pics already and already wanted to chat more. I have to say both times that has happened on Bumble I've gone on to date them.

I'm a bit meh! about 'how's you', 'how's your weekend' type intros - too familiar. A simple 'Hi' as an introduction is ok to start the conversation. I did have a profile with stuff on it and questions answered and so on, but I didn't really demand that someone had to remark on it just to pass a test of their level of interest. i'm just a photo on the internet at that point after all.

Going on from that I am looking for the conversation to gather momentum and be fun for both of us before asking about a date. I remember one conversation where it was a message every 2 or 3 days and the response that killed me off said something like 'sorry I haven't replied as I went out and got shitfaced last night'. If you can avoid that sort of thing !

@crazycatlady20 I hate the checking of phones, online as in WA?

Re messaging I will say 'Hi how are you' as a first message, why spend ages thinking of a great opener if they may not reply anyway....

@bangheadhere40 yeah WA and fb (cos he added me) . I hate checking too but sometimes cant help it. oh well. just enjoyed the chat yesterday and he seemed pretty genuine what with fb adding and arranging to meet. will see what happens.

re messaging I normally just say 'hi, how are you?' as bang says no point writing a novel when most dont reply. also hardly any have any info on profiles. if a guy messages me just 'hi' I do the same back to let him know I'm open to chat, otherwise I feel like I end up leading the convo.

I always find the ones I get on with well and conversation flows are the ones most likely to ghost, even after a day or it turns out they're just there for sex.

it can be like pulling teeth with the ones who stick around lol.

Thinking about it, I’m pretty sure I ended up messaging ‘hey there, it’s lovely to match with you’ as an opening line. That usually got a response on Tinder, and occasionally on Bumble.