I finally snapped & now he's the victim?

[ChargeX]

Been with DP only 18 months.

When we met he told me he was an alpha male, had a good job, and was living with his mum short term whilst he saved for a deposit for his next house (Old house signed over to his ex).

All sounded wonderful coupled with him being tall, dark, and handsome and a bit shy.

I thought i had hit the BF jackpot being in my 30's and being single or in crap relationships until that point.

He was kind, reliable, and we did lots of fun things together. Sex was great. All good.

Then 6 months in his DM died, in her 80's and frail and very ill for months.

Since that point the sex has been non existant (4 maybe 5 times in the last year) - he says he just no longer has the urge.

Things have been unravelling a bit for the last few months. It transpires he doesnt have any money saved. He ditched his job at the end of last year as his boss was working him too hard and his DMs death basically hit him hard with no end in sight to the "eeyore" - moaning about everything and everything.
He complains about now working 3 or 4 days a week as a contractor, finishing at 3 and gets in a mood i have to deal with if he has to stay on until 4 or 4.30pm
He has no bills to pay but never has any money anymore.

Whilst he is moaning, im thinking... hmm im working longer hours, 5 days a week, in a highly stressful job, paying my mortgage, paying for my car... and all my bills, all our food for the weekend etc.

He has continued living with his dad and since xmas something had changed in my head. I just dont see how we can have a future. He is knocking on 40 years old soon with no plan for his life beyond getting through the next 24 hrs.
He spends his weekends waiting for me to entertain him by making plans (All the mental load) and 75% of the time the financial burden of activities, petrol, food.
I think ive realised we arent going to be the equal partners i had dreamed. Buying a joint home... marriage... kids...

He is depressed, i am aware of this. I pay for him to attend private counselling (As part of a private healthcare annual plan i pay for) and he has been to 4 sessions so far.
Since the sessions started i think, without knowing whats been discussed, its almost given him the right to act even more miserable? Im not sure if that makes sense, but like the counsellor has agreed he has had a tough time, so validated his feelings.

Last night i snapped. He was telling me i hadnt turned the dishwasher on (In MY house, that he has never used) as he couldnt hear it running. I snapped back. He snapped back and laughed at how wrong i was. I snapped again in frustration (Dishwasher WAS on)... and threw a clean wet wipe at him. You know, i was cleaning the work tops, just got a fresh one out... and threw it at him.

It stuck to his elbow. He then refused to talk to me for the rest of the evening and stormed out this morning in a victimy huff about how in the wrong i was.

I havent followed or spoken to him or apologised - that is ALWAYS my job to initiate the adult resolution to an arguement. And im bored of it. Especially as i dont know what i get out of this anymore.

Am i being a bitch? Should i apologise for snapping?

He is depressed - should i be more patient? Give it more time?

Im open to being told im in the wrong.

[longtimecomin]

Ditch him, nothing less attractive than a man with no plans. He'll be a cocklodger before you know it and you'll be miserable as sin.

[StCharlotte]

He deserves to be respected.

Does he?

[EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall]

@ChargeX I wasted 10 years , from 30-40. His dad who he was very close to died early into the relationship and I put a lot of stuff down to the grief but he only got worse. They sound very similar

[Durgasarrow]

Maybe the way to put it is .... you've come to realize that he needs time to figure out what he needs .... and you realize that your relationship is just getting in the way. Then get in your car and do not look back.

[SchadenfreudePersonified]

I'm going to start telling people I'm a supermodel with a PhD

That's a co-incidence - so am I!

I'm fighting worldwide tooth decay, too!

[EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall]

Even down to jobs, he was in a far better job when we got together than when we split up. Really good job then to easy coasting job the really good job again

[Durgasarrow]

God, cocklodger is a beautiful, beautiful word. It says everything.

[GabsAlot]

Why would he just sign over his house and get nothing out of it when theres no kids involved

hes sounds lie a compulsive liar and a cocklodger what a catch

[ChargeX]

@EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall

Wow... spooky... I wonder what goes through their heads. "I deserve my back side wiping because....?"

I feel so nasty. This is a man until last night i would have done anything for. But i feel like the switch has gone off in my head :-(

Not heard from him at all since he flounced out, and i guess when i finally do hear there is a hard conversation to have. Even the thought hurts because i still "love" him and dont want to hurt him.
I also feel like a failure choosing yet another loser man when i was so sure he would be different... because he basically bent the thruth. Then blame the death for things not "getting better" in his life / getting worse. I do feel led along, to be honest.

[Dailyjunglegrind]

Complete manchild. Doubt he even had a house before. His mother probably organised everything for him and your his replacement.
Dodged a bullet.

[strawberry2017]

It sounds like his mums death is his current excuse but I strongly suspect there were numerous excuses prior to this.
He still lives and acts like a child. This is not who you want to father your children.
I think you did the right thing. Let him go, move on. X

[BitOfFun]

You've been seeing him for 18 months. That is time enough to know if it has a future (it doesn't), and short enough that you can both move on easily (well, you will- I suspect he will wallow a while).

You do NOT deserve to be berated for not loving all of him for who is is, or whatever- you've made no vows. This part of a relationship is supposed to be about testing the waters, and he's failed the test, simple as that.

[OldWomanSaysThis]

He has to tell you he is an alpha male because he can't show you he is an alpha male.

[BeenThereDone]

The alpha male!! Cringing for him.

[NoMoreDickheads]

I forgot- I was going to pick up on what SirCharlotte did. He doesn't deserve respect- respect has to be earned and he hasn't earned it.

It's not rare to be told a crock of shit or even to just get the wrong idea about someone at first.

[UniversalAunt]

Respect is earned, not deserved.

[ChargeX]

The tears have started now, because i think its sinking in, with all you lovely mn'ers help, that this really isnt going to work.

Ive thrown the kitchen sink (and a wet wipe!) At making this work, grown in patience and compassion in the process, but all thats happened is hes relied on me more to do everything as i throw my energy, time, and money at 'us' and 'our future'. It has to stop i guess and i chalk it up to experience. Again.

[datasgingercatspot]

I feel so nasty. This is a man until last night i would have done anything for. But i feel like the switch has gone off in my head :-(

You should feel relieved! And angry AF. He lied from the get go but seriously, the living with his folks and the alpha male should have set your radar to red alert.

Not heard from him at all since he flounced out, and i guess when i finally do hear there is a hard conversation to have.

Why are you being so passive and giving him all your power whilst you tie yourself in knots over him? I can guarantee he is doing none of this for you, just sulking and feeling hard done by, because that's all he ever feels.

You are not a passenger in your own life. You owe him nothing.

You can message or phone him to tell him things are over, it's not up for discussion and arrange to deliver his stuff (wouldn't let him in my house to try to manipulate me or talk me into wasting more time because he is a LOSER).

[ChargeX]

@datas - he has a key, so im mulling over how best to approach the last conversation.

Im certainly not a passenger in my own life, im defo a 'take charge' type person but i can sometimes be too rash and fast to make big life changing decisions. Hence why ive come here, to reality check the situation.

[formerbabe]

Lmao at him describing himself as an 'alpha' male. Living with his mum and now his dad at nearly forty and being shy. Doesn't sound very alpha to me.

[ChargeX]

@datasgingercatspot i should also add that you are right.
He will be at home sulking for himself and how horrible ive treated him, how horrible everyone is to him. He is great at being the victim. its his default position.

[partofthepeanutgallery]

An 'alpha male' wouldn't have told you and have been living with/off his parents.

I have no doubt his ex saw through it all and booted him and it was her house, not his, to begin with.

I'd walk away.

[TOPPOT]

He is not going to make you happy. Too many niggly things that will build into resentment. He wants a mam.

[fastliving]

I think you're don't the right thing by ended it, he's not your equal, you will have to carry him the whole time you are together, and he's a sulker. What's to like?

[pictish]

I’m another who is at him telling you he is an alpha male.
What a tossbag, sad boast. I’d have cut it short at that point, writing him off as a certified wanker.
I’m also willing to bet that the house he ‘signed over’ to his ex was hers and hers alone. She kicked him out.
18 months isn’t inconsequential I know, but neither is it worth falling foul of the sunken cost fallacy for. Like a previous poster said, if you want a 40 yr old son, stick it out. Otherwise say your goodbyes and make good your escape. Good luck with it. X