I finally snapped & now he's the victim?

[ChargeX]

Been with DP only 18 months.

When we met he told me he was an alpha male, had a good job, and was living with his mum short term whilst he saved for a deposit for his next house (Old house signed over to his ex).

All sounded wonderful coupled with him being tall, dark, and handsome and a bit shy.

I thought i had hit the BF jackpot being in my 30's and being single or in crap relationships until that point.

He was kind, reliable, and we did lots of fun things together. Sex was great. All good.

Then 6 months in his DM died, in her 80's and frail and very ill for months.

Since that point the sex has been non existant (4 maybe 5 times in the last year) - he says he just no longer has the urge.

Things have been unravelling a bit for the last few months. It transpires he doesnt have any money saved. He ditched his job at the end of last year as his boss was working him too hard and his DMs death basically hit him hard with no end in sight to the "eeyore" - moaning about everything and everything.
He complains about now working 3 or 4 days a week as a contractor, finishing at 3 and gets in a mood i have to deal with if he has to stay on until 4 or 4.30pm
He has no bills to pay but never has any money anymore.

Whilst he is moaning, im thinking... hmm im working longer hours, 5 days a week, in a highly stressful job, paying my mortgage, paying for my car... and all my bills, all our food for the weekend etc.

He has continued living with his dad and since xmas something had changed in my head. I just dont see how we can have a future. He is knocking on 40 years old soon with no plan for his life beyond getting through the next 24 hrs.
He spends his weekends waiting for me to entertain him by making plans (All the mental load) and 75% of the time the financial burden of activities, petrol, food.
I think ive realised we arent going to be the equal partners i had dreamed. Buying a joint home... marriage... kids...

He is depressed, i am aware of this. I pay for him to attend private counselling (As part of a private healthcare annual plan i pay for) and he has been to 4 sessions so far.
Since the sessions started i think, without knowing whats been discussed, its almost given him the right to act even more miserable? Im not sure if that makes sense, but like the counsellor has agreed he has had a tough time, so validated his feelings.

Last night i snapped. He was telling me i hadnt turned the dishwasher on (In MY house, that he has never used) as he couldnt hear it running. I snapped back. He snapped back and laughed at how wrong i was. I snapped again in frustration (Dishwasher WAS on)... and threw a clean wet wipe at him. You know, i was cleaning the work tops, just got a fresh one out... and threw it at him.

It stuck to his elbow. He then refused to talk to me for the rest of the evening and stormed out this morning in a victimy huff about how in the wrong i was.

I havent followed or spoken to him or apologised - that is ALWAYS my job to initiate the adult resolution to an arguement. And im bored of it. Especially as i dont know what i get out of this anymore.

Am i being a bitch? Should i apologise for snapping?

He is depressed - should i be more patient? Give it more time?

Im open to being told im in the wrong.

[VettiyaIruken]

Only complete twats refer to themselves as Alpha males.

I don't think this one's a keeper.

[Monsterjam]

You obviously are not right for each other, you can’t support his grief / mental health and he isn’t giving you what you need either.
YANBU to have snapped it sounds infuriating for both of you

[Coolcucumber2020]

Yanbu

He’s not going to change. You do know that?

[outherealone]

I’m sorry he’s still grieving about his mum. But the other stuff is a red flag ime. Particularly the money/ home sitch. The last guy I went out with like that was a secret coke addict.
I thought his symptoms were depression and anxiety. I made a lot of allowances for him and spent a lot of money. I now realise I was his enabler.

[CatalogueUniverse]

He stayed for 2 weeks over xmas after a falling out with his dad and i said if he wanted to move in, he had to contribute towards bills... he went back to his dads shortly after.

I think that should tell you everything you need to know.

Unless you want to be in a full time caring role for him.

He threw in a job when his previous carer stopped doing her job. He threw in another job when his mum died and he was without a carer. It sounds like his Dad is fed up with being a carer.

Do you think that what you gain out of this pretty short relationship balances what he needs from you?

[CatalogueUniverse]

Everyone deserves to respected, that includes you. Is he respecting you?

[Iloveacurry]

It’s run it’s course. Sounds like it’s time to break free.

[JustForTheTasteOfIt]

Someone telling you they're an alpha male is a bit like someone telling you they're too nice for their own good.

If it was true they wouldn't need to say it.

This relationship is over OP. I'm unsure why you're stuck on what to do when your posts imply you know it's not working

[Toria70]

Life's too short to be used.

You deserve better.

[Reallybadidea]

He deserves to be respected.

So do you!

I think you're hoping that things will go back to how they were. They almost certainly won't and can you afford to waste time in the vain hope that they will?

[Papiermachecat]

They always say "get rid' on here!!
It was a little row. Couples have them.

He's just lost his mum! I think you're the awful one.

Love means taking the whole person

[UnaCorda]

When we met he told me he was an alpha male

What kind of wanker actually says to someone they've just met, "I am an alpha male"?

I think you're probably better off without him.

[ChargeX]

I know you are all right. And i agree. I just dont want to agree, but I do.

I dont think he sees any of it at all or any problem in his life / behaviour.

[pourmorewine]

Surely an 'alpha male' wouldn't be living with their Mum/Dad at nearly 40. Does he have children?

[ChargeX]

@papiermachetcat why do you think im the awful one? Genuinly asking, im doubting myself.

His mum died a year ago, his behaviour is only getting worse.
The little row i think was the straw that broke the camels back.

[MzHz]

You literally don’t have the time to waste on a like like this.

End it and move on.

[MzHz]

He’s using the death etc to abuse you. He told you he was an alpha male... the clue was there.

Sorry 😐

[ChargeX]

Oh and im aware he ISNT an alpha male. It came about during a discussion about me being strong and independent (No parents my side) so everything ive got in my life has come through full time work since 16.
He chimed in with "yeah im an alpha male sort, strong and large character thats a bit tough"... i now realise this isnt really the case. I think he was trying to impress.

[Gonetoget]

Counselling can take a 6 - 12 sessions to start seeing results and it can make you feel low, as you’re often raking up difficult feeling and he grieving for his mother.
The other stuff, describing himself as an alpha male, makes him sounds quite knobby. Would a true alpha male even say that? The other stuff about the saving for the house etc.. isn’t good. You already quite entrenched for a relationship that you’ve been in for 18 months - paying for his counselling.

[AutumnRose1]

sorry to say, but I would doubt what you've been told

there might not have been a previous house, or he might not have been on the deeds or mortgage or ever paid towards it.

It's odd for someone to declare "I'm an alpha male" - IMHO. It probably means they aren't. I don't see it as good or bad either way, just an odd thing to say and wouldn't need saying really.

I'm sorry he's lost his mum. I lost my dad 15 months ago and still bang on about it. But if he was living with her, and given how you describe his behaviour to you, I can't help wondering if he depended on her for things.

a friend lost her mum around the time I lost my dad. her older brother - 50! - turned out to have been relying on their mum for things like managing finances, taking him to doctor and dentist appointments. It was quite a shock for my friend, who as well as being bereaved, found her brother asking for help with things teens can do alone, and then he began to drink a lot because he couldn't do daily life stuff without his mum.

I'd cut this man loose. I'm sorry he's lost his mum. But he has to grow up.

[DuLANGMondeFOREVER]

You just aren’t suited. Future goals and expectations don’t match up.

Losing your mum can be a profound experience that takes ages to recover from, but it doesn’t sound like there is much here to be patient for.

Set yourself free.

[Sally2791]

He wants to sponge off you financially and emotionally. I think it’s time to get rid

[ChargeX]

@pourmorewine no children either side

[MyCatHatesEverybody]

I promise he is kind and lovely most of the time... not abusive... very affectionate... blah blah.

Look at what he does, not what he says. And what he's good at is the fun stuff, but he doesn't want to contribute either mentally or financially. Terrible with employment and money. Has obviously never lifted a finger to do the dishes if he lived with you for a while and still doesn't know how your dishwasher works.

Get rid!

[AutumnRose1]

papiermachethecat "Love means taking the whole person"

and sometimes that whole person is far too full of unsuitable qualities. Someone else might like this Project Man Who Needs Another Mother, but OP is not obliged to do it.