I finally snapped & now he's the victim?

[ChargeX]

Been with DP only 18 months.

When we met he told me he was an alpha male, had a good job, and was living with his mum short term whilst he saved for a deposit for his next house (Old house signed over to his ex).

All sounded wonderful coupled with him being tall, dark, and handsome and a bit shy.

I thought i had hit the BF jackpot being in my 30's and being single or in crap relationships until that point.

He was kind, reliable, and we did lots of fun things together. Sex was great. All good.

Then 6 months in his DM died, in her 80's and frail and very ill for months.

Since that point the sex has been non existant (4 maybe 5 times in the last year) - he says he just no longer has the urge.

Things have been unravelling a bit for the last few months. It transpires he doesnt have any money saved. He ditched his job at the end of last year as his boss was working him too hard and his DMs death basically hit him hard with no end in sight to the "eeyore" - moaning about everything and everything.
He complains about now working 3 or 4 days a week as a contractor, finishing at 3 and gets in a mood i have to deal with if he has to stay on until 4 or 4.30pm
He has no bills to pay but never has any money anymore.

Whilst he is moaning, im thinking... hmm im working longer hours, 5 days a week, in a highly stressful job, paying my mortgage, paying for my car... and all my bills, all our food for the weekend etc.

He has continued living with his dad and since xmas something had changed in my head. I just dont see how we can have a future. He is knocking on 40 years old soon with no plan for his life beyond getting through the next 24 hrs.
He spends his weekends waiting for me to entertain him by making plans (All the mental load) and 75% of the time the financial burden of activities, petrol, food.
I think ive realised we arent going to be the equal partners i had dreamed. Buying a joint home... marriage... kids...

He is depressed, i am aware of this. I pay for him to attend private counselling (As part of a private healthcare annual plan i pay for) and he has been to 4 sessions so far.
Since the sessions started i think, without knowing whats been discussed, its almost given him the right to act even more miserable? Im not sure if that makes sense, but like the counsellor has agreed he has had a tough time, so validated his feelings.

Last night i snapped. He was telling me i hadnt turned the dishwasher on (In MY house, that he has never used) as he couldnt hear it running. I snapped back. He snapped back and laughed at how wrong i was. I snapped again in frustration (Dishwasher WAS on)... and threw a clean wet wipe at him. You know, i was cleaning the work tops, just got a fresh one out... and threw it at him.

It stuck to his elbow. He then refused to talk to me for the rest of the evening and stormed out this morning in a victimy huff about how in the wrong i was.

I havent followed or spoken to him or apologised - that is ALWAYS my job to initiate the adult resolution to an arguement. And im bored of it. Especially as i dont know what i get out of this anymore.

Am i being a bitch? Should i apologise for snapping?

He is depressed - should i be more patient? Give it more time?

Im open to being told im in the wrong.

he has a key, so im mulling over how best to approach the last conversation.

Just remember you do not owe him discussion or negotiation or even face-to-face. You really don't. Because he will guilt trip and manipulate you because he's a professional victim. This is how he has got away with cocklodging and coasting his way through life and he wants to keep his gravy train, you, on wheels. I can guarantee his ex threw him out and his father is fed up with him.

And you can have a locksmith come and change the lock barrels.

but i can sometimes be too rash and fast to make big life changing decisions.

If anything in this case you were not rash enough. The 'alpha male' yet still living with the parents at nearly 40 should have been the key. Cocklodgers are nearly always living with mates due to relationship breakdown, with parents due to relationship breakdown and needing to save, then their lodging falls through and they suggest they stay with you 'temporarily', hence, how he tried it on because he supposedly fell out with his father, who conveniently let him back in once you told him he was not getting a free ride at yours (so what's likely is that he was chancing his arm to move in by stealth and cocklodge at yours for free).

@ChargeX - do you love him... or what you thought he was.

Currently he is an incompetent, lazy cocklodger who needs parental supervision.

Is that what you love about him?

Cocklodgers are nearly always living with mates due to relationship breakdown, with parents due to relationship breakdown and needing to save, then their lodging falls through and they suggest they stay with you 'temporarily', hence, how he tried it on because he supposedly fell out with his father, who conveniently let him back in once you told him he was not getting a free ride at yours (so what's likely is that he was chancing his arm to move in by stealth and cocklodge at yours for free).

Yup, this. They know exactly which moves to make when to continue their cocklodging career. Professionals...
There's always a "woe is me" story as well - relationship went pear-shaped, they were left with nothing - they had to move in with their parents/sibling/random mate until the person they moved in with gets pig sick of them and then they quickly try to shack up with some woman they've recently met.

I had a cocklodging ex and I gave him one month's notice to leave as we were living in a foreign country at the time. He could have rented a place, arranged to move back to the Uk, anything - but no, he did nothing and when I reminded him a week before his "departure date" he phoned some friends and told them a story about how I'd kicked him out on the street and he was in a sleeping bag at a railway station and could he please come to them. Such an utter wanker. They told him to get on a train - which he did - all the way from Central Europe to Scotland. Then he stayed with them for 9 months contributing nothing until they got sick of him. He tried to get back with me. I was having none of it. I don't know what he did after that but I presume he found somewhere else to cocklodge.
As I said, cocklodging professional. Women beware of these types.

@FourDecades
Good point. I think i love the idea of the fantasy i have in my head, and that we talked about, but of course ive realised there are no real tangible moves on his side towards the 'fantasy' of the house together and the dogs etc. I think his grand plan is to wait for his inheritance whenever that may come... but that makes me feel very uneasy, for lots of reasons, that go without saying really.

I think you should listen to your spidey senses and finish with him, just saying you are really sorry but you have decided that you want to end the relationship. But at the same time, if someone threw anything at me, wet wipe or anything else, I would judge them and want them out of my life, so I do think you should think about that, and I'd apologise for it too. I am a woman btw, this isn't MensAid!

I think his grand plan is to wait for his inheritance whenever that may come...
Oh Lord above.... my cocklodger ex used to talk about his inheritance when planning for his future - he didn't need to save too much now as he'd be sure of half of a substantial sum! He had spreadsheets for everything and I'm pretty sure a potential inheritance was included on those. He talked about it often enough.
I hope his parents live very very long and happy lives and spend all their money on whatever the hell they want to do.

@helberg
That sounds awful! Im sorry you went through that. I cant get my head around these peoples mentality.
And actually, youve made me realise, ive got form for this. My spidey senses were tingling because my last ex was a cocklodger with a sob story about his ex and when i finally got fed up (a year down the line from the cocklodging part starting / him moving in) he painted me so badly to his friends that my car was vandelised and my family were screamed at in the street by his friends for "making Ex homeless" "how could ChargeX do that?? Etc Police got involved. He again was a 44 yr old employed man who always 'forgot'to pay his half of the rent / bills / food.

Where am i finding these idiots....
At least there is no ring or babies.

Re inheritance

Friend of mine once temporarily stayed with a man like this between rentals

The man was in his 40s, had his folks do everything for him, they passed, he inherited the house. My friend was going to kip on his own parents couch for a couple of weeks between rentals but this guy said
“ oh, I have a spare room and I could use the company, stay here”.

So my friend did just that, relieved to have a bed rather than a couch.

Lasted two days. The house was just filthy apparently. Layers and layers of it.

@tintedrollersdontwork you are right, i was in the wrong to throw the wep wipe. Completely agree and i will apologise the next time i speak to him. Im not proud of it at all, ive never really ever snapped like that. It went along with "Dont you dare speak to me like that in my own house, eff off!". Not ideal. Oops.

Cocklodgers are also adept at future faking. Hence, he made up stories about saving for a house, yes he definitely wants marriage and kids, talks about plans - wedding, kids, ring hunting, houses, etc. And whilst future faking, things start to slip, lost/quit job (and it is always the fault of someone else, shit boss/colleagues, client who didn't pay, etc), there's usually also depression and increase in behaviours like drinking or gaming and then they don't have money (the cocklodger on the other thread had paid NO living expenses at all for 9 months but had no money) or savings so you start to pay. Then comes the accommodation falling apart (mate sold up, had to move, parents moving in a carer, siblings have kids, tenancy is up and unable to find another houseshare or flat/keep getting turned down) and that's when the move in by stealth or supposedly temporary move in comes.

It's a script and they are very practised at it. As one poster said, a leopard doesn't change its spots it just changes hunting grounds.

Bang on @ChargeX
Future faking! That’s exactly what it is!

Do yourself a favour, don't have a conversation with him, have a we are finished statement and let that be the last of it.

When we met he told me he was an alpha mal

I'm cringing. I would never date a man like that. Sounds a wanker

@datasgingercatspot

NO idea what happened there with my quoting!

He spent six months lining you up. As soon as he had you hooked he relaxed and started living his usual life: relying on you to take care of him while he whines about how hard life is.

Death of a parent is hard but most of us don't give up work and mooch off other people. Most of us find work stressful but don't quit to mooch off other people. Most of us have to rely on help from others now and again, when we do we tend to be openly grateful and go out of our way to help the person in other ways, not moan and whine about how hard life is while mooching.

This is his pattern.

Build a lie for six months. Get you bought into the lie. Revert to cocklodger. Mooch. Moan. Made.

Im starting to feel like ive been blind for months... why did nobody IRL stage an intervention... silly me.

It's how cocklodgers work, Charge. They gradually close the net round.

Oh come on, it's a wet wipe fgs! Don't feel too quilty! It really does sound like you've just had that light bulb realisation of who he actually is, and that is not the person for you. No shame in that, at least you realise it now. Best of luck with telling him.

I don't think you've been that slow to spot it tbh given how practised he is.

He managed to get someone to marry him. Be proud that you spotted him before that

these sound like narcissistic/manipulator behavior patterns, he discards you, the next move is to 'hoover' you back in.
Also the DARVO maneuver, always spinning it around and making it your fault.
Lol at the self appointed alpha male thing:o

He "handed over the house to his ex."

Yes... because we all know that's how it works when couples split up. Here, darling, have this house to remember me by! I'll just write to the Land Registry and ask them to change it from my name into your name. No, we don't have to divide any assets, I'm happy to be homeless and penniless and move in with Mummy and Daddy.

In the absence of documentary evidence to the contrary, I'm 100% certain that it was his ex's house. And he was cocklodging there until she woke up and kicked him out.

Get rid.

From previous experience - a man that tells you he is an alpha male is a man to run from: not only is he not at all, but he is definitely a twat! Get out quicker than I did OP...

(I also don’t know why I didn’t run away laughing when he said if, and also wish someone had staged an intervention way earlier!!!!)