I finally snapped & now he's the victim?

[ChargeX]

Been with DP only 18 months.

When we met he told me he was an alpha male, had a good job, and was living with his mum short term whilst he saved for a deposit for his next house (Old house signed over to his ex).

All sounded wonderful coupled with him being tall, dark, and handsome and a bit shy.

I thought i had hit the BF jackpot being in my 30's and being single or in crap relationships until that point.

He was kind, reliable, and we did lots of fun things together. Sex was great. All good.

Then 6 months in his DM died, in her 80's and frail and very ill for months.

Since that point the sex has been non existant (4 maybe 5 times in the last year) - he says he just no longer has the urge.

Things have been unravelling a bit for the last few months. It transpires he doesnt have any money saved. He ditched his job at the end of last year as his boss was working him too hard and his DMs death basically hit him hard with no end in sight to the "eeyore" - moaning about everything and everything.
He complains about now working 3 or 4 days a week as a contractor, finishing at 3 and gets in a mood i have to deal with if he has to stay on until 4 or 4.30pm
He has no bills to pay but never has any money anymore.

Whilst he is moaning, im thinking... hmm im working longer hours, 5 days a week, in a highly stressful job, paying my mortgage, paying for my car... and all my bills, all our food for the weekend etc.

He has continued living with his dad and since xmas something had changed in my head. I just dont see how we can have a future. He is knocking on 40 years old soon with no plan for his life beyond getting through the next 24 hrs.
He spends his weekends waiting for me to entertain him by making plans (All the mental load) and 75% of the time the financial burden of activities, petrol, food.
I think ive realised we arent going to be the equal partners i had dreamed. Buying a joint home... marriage... kids...

He is depressed, i am aware of this. I pay for him to attend private counselling (As part of a private healthcare annual plan i pay for) and he has been to 4 sessions so far.
Since the sessions started i think, without knowing whats been discussed, its almost given him the right to act even more miserable? Im not sure if that makes sense, but like the counsellor has agreed he has had a tough time, so validated his feelings.

Last night i snapped. He was telling me i hadnt turned the dishwasher on (In MY house, that he has never used) as he couldnt hear it running. I snapped back. He snapped back and laughed at how wrong i was. I snapped again in frustration (Dishwasher WAS on)... and threw a clean wet wipe at him. You know, i was cleaning the work tops, just got a fresh one out... and threw it at him.

It stuck to his elbow. He then refused to talk to me for the rest of the evening and stormed out this morning in a victimy huff about how in the wrong i was.

I havent followed or spoken to him or apologised - that is ALWAYS my job to initiate the adult resolution to an arguement. And im bored of it. Especially as i dont know what i get out of this anymore.

Am i being a bitch? Should i apologise for snapping?

He is depressed - should i be more patient? Give it more time?

Im open to being told im in the wrong.

[CatalogueUniverse]

He hasn’t shown any ability to function as an independent adult.

That would be enough for me.

[MikeUniformMike]

You obviously have an anger management issue. Wet wipe one day, what will it be next time?

[WalkingWithTheBuffalo]

Alpha fail.

[teaandcake246]

It’s true what Gonetoger says about counselling. When I was about to start it, my GP warned me that things usually get worse before they get better. He said his wife had to have counselling when she trained as a counsellor (it’s an obligatory part of the training), and she thought “I don’t need counselling”, but after a few sessions she was “a gibbering wreck”. This is absolutely not to say whether or not you should stay with him - a lot of things about him do sound very iffy - but just saying that he might be in a particularly bad patch at this point.

[AutumnRose1]

PS sorry if I missed it

is he helping his dad at all? Did they live together?

I spent most of the first 6 months of bereavement trying to make sure mum was doing basic stuff, like eating food!

[LaLaLandIsNoFun]

He TOLD you he wan an alpha male?

[justasking111]

You really do not need another child a teenager at that. Perhaps his mum coddled him too much so he never developed as an independent person.

[FraglesRock]

It's a good job he's lovely and good looking or he wouldn't last a few weeks with anyone. Because his attitude to life seems to have got stuck as a sulky teenager.
Just tell him it's not working for you, that you're looking for a life partner to share everything with, not another child.

[CatalogueUniverse]

I’m just curious, did he live with his Mum and Dad?

[Motacilla]

It sounds like writing it all down here has been very helpful in telling you what you need to know.

[ChargeX]

@catalogueUniverse
Yes he said he moved in with them when he broke up with his ex and "handed over the house" (They were together about 4 yrs).

That was about 4 years ago now, so he has lived rent free at their home since then (now just with his dad, obviously) - dads in reasonably good health. Does a lot for him domestically to keep busy. BF helps with the heavy lifting / DIY side.

[JustForTheTasteOfIt]

I'm going to start telling people I'm a supermodel with a PhD

[TimeForPlentyIn2020]

Love does mean taking the whole person, and so I would suggest that this guy isn’t the right person for the OP.

[MrsDoylesTeaBags]

Wether he's in a bad patch or not, you're not his keeper and you owe him nothing.
It's your choice if you stay with him, but at 18 months don't stay with him because you feel you should do.

[Standrewsschool]

I think you are not singing from the same hymn sheet. You are investing into your future, mortgage, bills, car etc whilst he is static.

You are not awful for how you feel.

[messolini9]

he told me he was an alpha male, had a good job, and was living with his mum short term whilst he saved for a deposit for his next house



Any man, ever, who feels he needs to inform you that he is, in his own opinion, an 'alpha' ... well, at least you've only put in 18 months OP, before the realisation hits you - RUN!

[MadeForThis]

You're not happy so leave. You don't owe him anything.

[dramalessllama]

This is what dating is all about - finding out if you both are compatible, mentally, emotionally, and physically.

You are not married to him, therefore, the forever type love "for better or worse" doesn't apply here (unless you both eschew marriage, don't need a piece of paper, consider yourselves life partners, etc). Of course you can still love the other person, but...you're still dating and it's only been 18 months.

Know your worth, OP, and don't forget to add tax!

[messolini9]

Love means taking the whole person

Not if they are an unlikeable twat.

[TaliZorahVasNormandy]

Love means taking the whole person

Yeah and love is also meant to be equal. Seems OP's fella didnt get the memo.

[Borderterrierpuppy]

If you want a 40 yr old son stay.
If you want an equal satisfying relationship leave,

[RedDogsBeg]

I thought Alpha Males were meant to bring home the bacon?

You are not at all unreasonable, OP, the relationship has run its course, you are not compatible.

All those saying he's just lost his mum - bereavement is NOT an excuse to be a twat.

[JKScot4]

He’s a career cocklodger!
Ex, parents, you,why are you paying for everything? why doesn’t he pay his keep at his dads?
Get rid ➡️🗑

[Onthemaintrunkline]

If you contact him after his walk out, it’s going to validate (to him) his behaviour was ok, so enabling it to continue. This man is no prize, more of a prize user! It appears he takes advantage of whoever he can and at the moment it’s you, and if your doors shut he slides off home to his Dad. This chap needs way too much looking after for this relationship to ever be equal.