I finally snapped & now he's the victim?

[ChargeX]

Been with DP only 18 months.

When we met he told me he was an alpha male, had a good job, and was living with his mum short term whilst he saved for a deposit for his next house (Old house signed over to his ex).

All sounded wonderful coupled with him being tall, dark, and handsome and a bit shy.

I thought i had hit the BF jackpot being in my 30's and being single or in crap relationships until that point.

He was kind, reliable, and we did lots of fun things together. Sex was great. All good.

Then 6 months in his DM died, in her 80's and frail and very ill for months.

Since that point the sex has been non existant (4 maybe 5 times in the last year) - he says he just no longer has the urge.

Things have been unravelling a bit for the last few months. It transpires he doesnt have any money saved. He ditched his job at the end of last year as his boss was working him too hard and his DMs death basically hit him hard with no end in sight to the "eeyore" - moaning about everything and everything.
He complains about now working 3 or 4 days a week as a contractor, finishing at 3 and gets in a mood i have to deal with if he has to stay on until 4 or 4.30pm
He has no bills to pay but never has any money anymore.

Whilst he is moaning, im thinking... hmm im working longer hours, 5 days a week, in a highly stressful job, paying my mortgage, paying for my car... and all my bills, all our food for the weekend etc.

He has continued living with his dad and since xmas something had changed in my head. I just dont see how we can have a future. He is knocking on 40 years old soon with no plan for his life beyond getting through the next 24 hrs.
He spends his weekends waiting for me to entertain him by making plans (All the mental load) and 75% of the time the financial burden of activities, petrol, food.
I think ive realised we arent going to be the equal partners i had dreamed. Buying a joint home... marriage... kids...

He is depressed, i am aware of this. I pay for him to attend private counselling (As part of a private healthcare annual plan i pay for) and he has been to 4 sessions so far.
Since the sessions started i think, without knowing whats been discussed, its almost given him the right to act even more miserable? Im not sure if that makes sense, but like the counsellor has agreed he has had a tough time, so validated his feelings.

Last night i snapped. He was telling me i hadnt turned the dishwasher on (In MY house, that he has never used) as he couldnt hear it running. I snapped back. He snapped back and laughed at how wrong i was. I snapped again in frustration (Dishwasher WAS on)... and threw a clean wet wipe at him. You know, i was cleaning the work tops, just got a fresh one out... and threw it at him.

It stuck to his elbow. He then refused to talk to me for the rest of the evening and stormed out this morning in a victimy huff about how in the wrong i was.

I havent followed or spoken to him or apologised - that is ALWAYS my job to initiate the adult resolution to an arguement. And im bored of it. Especially as i dont know what i get out of this anymore.

Am i being a bitch? Should i apologise for snapping?

He is depressed - should i be more patient? Give it more time?

Im open to being told im in the wrong.

[datasgingercatspot]

I take it nobody thinks this is worth a kick-up-the-bum type dressing down before i chuck it all in?

Why on EARTH are you even thinking of wasting more than a second on this total loser?! Give your head a wobble! You don't even shag or kiss! He's lied and lied to you. He does FA, he can't hold down a fucking job, he get his dad to do most of the housework (he does not at yours), he's a fucking sponge.

Get a grip. This is who he is. And who he will always be. He's forty, ffs.

He's not spending a second thinking of you other than blaming you for everything. He doesn't love you. He's a total reject. The ex's house was hers, she got sick of his cocklodging and threw him out.

You don't owe him a conversation, just a message that it's over and his things will be sent to his dad's house via X courier/man with a van. Get your locks changed.

[ChargeX]

@datasgingercatspot
Thanks for the kick up the arse. Turns out, it was me that needed it, not him!

[ChewChewIsMySpiritAnimal]

God and he's shit in bed! No more second chances, cut him loose!

[Dailyjunglegrind]

Your in your prime, don’t waste another breath thinking about what people’s opinion- they are not the ones living with the poor excuse of a man.

Those that really matter to you (good friends and family) want to see you in a happy, loving compatible relationship... not one dragging you down and settling. It’s far more embrassing calling it off at the alter.

[Claphands]

I would take anything he says about his past relationships with a massive pinch of salt-he’s had decent jobs, so where exactly does his cash go? I would think for many men in his position his Mothers death would focus him to move in together or marry you.
You deserve better!

[ChargeX]

@claphands ... where his money went / goes is similar to the bermuda triangle mystery. Nobody is quite sure. And that, i will be honest, is one of the biggest things annoying me. He lied about saving up and sold me a pup. Im not a money grabber, i have a small amount of equity to contribute my half of a house deposit and all i want is an equal contribution. You would think living rent free for years with no gf, no big social life (all his friends are married with young kids, houses, careers) that there would be some money somewhere... but apparently not. I now realise how odd this is. Or he is lying about something major.

[TorkTorkBam]

There is no Or he is lying about something major

There must be a major lie.

[Claphands]

Totally, it’s not odd to ask where an adult mans money is going-it should be an equal partnership at this stage. He must be spending it in something!

[CatalogueUniverse]

He isn’t even a good shag?

ChargeX - if a mate of yours said she had met this lovely man who has no job, no money, not trying to get a job, lives with his parents, doesn’t plan dates, doesn’t chip in with housework, criticisers her, won’t chip in financially, is a terrible kisser and doesn’t want to have sex with her more than once every couple of months

WHAT WOULD YOU SAY?

[datasgingercatspot]

He is already lying about something major! He lied about saving, he lied about handing over a house to an ex (bollocks), he lied about maintaining a job, he lies to you know about money. C'mon, OP!

Oh, and that two weeks he was cocklodging at yours not putting his hand in his pocket and left as soon as you asked for a contribution bet he was really pulling his weight in the house, eh? The way he does in the rest of your lives, organising his share of stuff and paying for it and the like . . .

[UYScuti]

So funny that he thinks he's an alpha male 😆😂
What is the point of him??🤔

[ChargeX]

No point in him at all it seems!
Still not heard from him which is actually great as its giving me time to put my head together. Its over, i dont think i can un-enlighten myself now.

[TorkTorkBam]

Your life is going to be so much easier with this dead weight gone.

[hellsbellsmelons]

You've had some great advice here.
Well done on realising he's a cocklodging asshole.
Hopefully he won't contact you again!
Fingers crossed.

[FlappingTurtle]

Basically he has built himself up some kind of fantasy life where he is hardworking, financially astute, a generous alpha male who benefits everybody around him, despite struggling against the massive unfairness of the world (people who victimise him by not turning the dishwasher on).

He probably believes it himself to some extent, which makes him very convincing. I would expect him to fly into a massive martyr tantrum if anyone tries to burst his bubble.

I would be really interested to know where all the money is going. Unless his jobs are fantasies too?

[ChargeX]

@FlappingTurtle ... absolutely. He implied a few weeks ago that he always 'pays his way' and when i gave him the side eye because he clearly doesnt at all he flew into a tantrum that finished with a 'but money is tight at the moment blah blah'... so he has convinced himself he contributes equally to the relationship financially but then managed to come up with an excuse as to why he isnt actually contributing equally in the same breath?!

Its getting weirder the more i think about it.

@Hellsbellsmelons - thank you! Fingers crossed. Im a regular poster (commentor) with a name change for this, so, nice to see you!

[OverMy]

You deserve better than that OP.

Everyone does.

[fastliving]

What flapping said.
He just has a massive ego and completely over-inflated sense of self....not much else.

[TooManyPlatesInMotion]

Not only is this not an equal relationship, it sounds to me like he contributes sod all, be it financially, emotionally, sexually. Get out ASAP!

[WhenPushComesToShove]

You should only be embarrassed if you don't ditch this CF/cocklodger. As PPs have said, I would write off cost of new gate fob, change locks (the final thing that he costs you) and courier his stuff round to his Dad's. No conversation really needed. Let him sulk on to his hearts content

[UYScuti]

I disagree with the previous posters who have called him a cocklodger, surely the defining feature of the cocklodger is that he is good at sex and that's why you keep them around (until you realise that being good at sex doesn't compensate for the other downsides)
Or perhaps the definition of cocklodger has morphed and I'm just behind the times?

[LannieDuck]

I'm interested to see how long it will be before he realises you aren't going to be the one to apologise first this time. I bet he breezes back in and pretends nothing happened...

[datasgingercatspot]

So you have arranged to get your lock barrels changed today and have notified the property management company that the fob is lost and needs to be de-activated and ordered another one? Have contacted couriers/man with a van to have his belongings delivered by to his father?

There's no need for drama or any conversation, plenty of great examples on how to end this from articulate posters on here.

[ChargeX]

@datagingercatspot i have talked to a locksmith but i have an unusual /expensive lock apparently (Typical) so there is a delay in me being able to resolve the lock as im away with work etc etc... but it will get done. Not the first time ive had to do it!

@LannieDuck im quite amused currently as i think he is probably quite surprised i havent come running. All its doing is giving me time to think of more reasons not to go back!

[BendyLikeBeckham]

not sure if anyone has already posted this OP, but you may find Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl a very enlightening read. It's on Amazon in kindle and paperback versions.

It may help you see why you keep choosing guys like this and take action to break that cycle, because you deserve so much better.