Been with DP only 18 months.
When we met he told me he was an alpha male, had a good job, and was living with his mum short term whilst he saved for a deposit for his next house (Old house signed over to his ex).
All sounded wonderful coupled with him being tall, dark, and handsome and a bit shy.
I thought i had hit the BF jackpot being in my 30's and being single or in crap relationships until that point.
He was kind, reliable, and we did lots of fun things together. Sex was great. All good.
Then 6 months in his DM died, in her 80's and frail and very ill for months.
Since that point the sex has been non existant (4 maybe 5 times in the last year) - he says he just no longer has the urge.
Things have been unravelling a bit for the last few months. It transpires he doesnt have any money saved. He ditched his job at the end of last year as his boss was working him too hard and his DMs death basically hit him hard with no end in sight to the "eeyore" - moaning about everything and everything.
He complains about now working 3 or 4 days a week as a contractor, finishing at 3 and gets in a mood i have to deal with if he has to stay on until 4 or 4.30pm
He has no bills to pay but never has any money anymore.
Whilst he is moaning, im thinking... hmm im working longer hours, 5 days a week, in a highly stressful job, paying my mortgage, paying for my car... and all my bills, all our food for the weekend etc.
He has continued living with his dad and since xmas something had changed in my head. I just dont see how we can have a future. He is knocking on 40 years old soon with no plan for his life beyond getting through the next 24 hrs.
He spends his weekends waiting for me to entertain him by making plans (All the mental load) and 75% of the time the financial burden of activities, petrol, food.
I think ive realised we arent going to be the equal partners i had dreamed. Buying a joint home... marriage... kids...
He is depressed, i am aware of this. I pay for him to attend private counselling (As part of a private healthcare annual plan i pay for) and he has been to 4 sessions so far.
Since the sessions started i think, without knowing whats been discussed, its almost given him the right to act even more miserable? Im not sure if that makes sense, but like the counsellor has agreed he has had a tough time, so validated his feelings.
Last night i snapped. He was telling me i hadnt turned the dishwasher on (In MY house, that he has never used) as he couldnt hear it running. I snapped back. He snapped back and laughed at how wrong i was. I snapped again in frustration (Dishwasher WAS on)... and threw a clean wet wipe at him. You know, i was cleaning the work tops, just got a fresh one out... and threw it at him.
It stuck to his elbow. He then refused to talk to me for the rest of the evening and stormed out this morning in a victimy huff about how in the wrong i was.
I havent followed or spoken to him or apologised - that is ALWAYS my job to initiate the adult resolution to an arguement. And im bored of it. Especially as i dont know what i get out of this anymore.
Am i being a bitch? Should i apologise for snapping?
He is depressed - should i be more patient? Give it more time?
Im open to being told im in the wrong.
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
I finally snapped & now he's the victim?
ChargeX · 22/02/2020 18:14
@ChargeX don't beat yourself up about it, we've all been there. Hindsight is a great thing, just learn from this one and whatever your decision don't settle for second best. 
@Lllot5 im so sorry to hear that. What happened in the end?
Im struggling today.
He finally text to say the whole dishwasher and wet wipe event was all my fault and he couldnt believe my attitude towards him.
I replied saying i think its over, theres too many issues for me, and i cant see a way forward.
He immediately left our family group chat and blocked me on social media (
) meaning i had to explain to my family what was going on.
He messaged in the week saying he wanted to fight for the relationship, really loved me, needed time to work on himself but he felt hugely rejected. I told him he had to lead this, as im not going to fix it for him. Also, i didnt understand what future we had as he didnt want to move in / buy together?
He replied saying he had been put off by his ex (Remember the house he 'gave away?')
Not heard from him since except a random message telling me he bumped into someone he knew and they had shared some interesting gossip (Unrelated to 'us', just gossip he found interesting and wanted to share)
Since then i have been really sad.
Its CLEAR we arent suited. But its like my heart and head are in battle.
I havent managed to bag his belongings up yet. And the thought of never seeing him again or saying goodbye is making weep.
Oh wise mumnetters... any advise?
I think it's totally understandable that it takes time for your heart to catch up with your head... this relationship has been going for some time and we get into certain emotional habits.
on a difficult day.
ChargeX - if a mate of yours said she had met this lovely man who has no job, no money, not trying to get a job, lives with his parents, doesn’t plan dates, doesn’t chip in with housework, criticisers her, won’t chip in financially, is a terrible kisser and doesn’t want to have sex with her more than once every couple of months
I know you're having a tough time but the above is a good summary of why the relationship cannot work.
Maybe you are not sad about losing him, just sad about losing the idea of what you hoped the relationship could be
Don’t want to miss threads like this?
Weekly
Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!
Log in to update your newsletter preferences.
You've subscribed!
@OnlyLittleMissOrganised
Thanks for checking in 
I am ok. I am single. His stuff was collected 2 weeks ago today & key returned. Big hugs goodbye and on reasonable terms. Ive been to a counsellor twice and am trying to unravel why this keeps happening to me. Counsellor agrees he is child like and i needed to push him away.
I couldnt have done it without you lovely mumnetters. So thank you all. Well, 99% of you
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.