I finally snapped & now he's the victim?

[ChargeX]

Been with DP only 18 months.

When we met he told me he was an alpha male, had a good job, and was living with his mum short term whilst he saved for a deposit for his next house (Old house signed over to his ex).

All sounded wonderful coupled with him being tall, dark, and handsome and a bit shy.

I thought i had hit the BF jackpot being in my 30's and being single or in crap relationships until that point.

He was kind, reliable, and we did lots of fun things together. Sex was great. All good.

Then 6 months in his DM died, in her 80's and frail and very ill for months.

Since that point the sex has been non existant (4 maybe 5 times in the last year) - he says he just no longer has the urge.

Things have been unravelling a bit for the last few months. It transpires he doesnt have any money saved. He ditched his job at the end of last year as his boss was working him too hard and his DMs death basically hit him hard with no end in sight to the "eeyore" - moaning about everything and everything.
He complains about now working 3 or 4 days a week as a contractor, finishing at 3 and gets in a mood i have to deal with if he has to stay on until 4 or 4.30pm
He has no bills to pay but never has any money anymore.

Whilst he is moaning, im thinking... hmm im working longer hours, 5 days a week, in a highly stressful job, paying my mortgage, paying for my car... and all my bills, all our food for the weekend etc.

He has continued living with his dad and since xmas something had changed in my head. I just dont see how we can have a future. He is knocking on 40 years old soon with no plan for his life beyond getting through the next 24 hrs.
He spends his weekends waiting for me to entertain him by making plans (All the mental load) and 75% of the time the financial burden of activities, petrol, food.
I think ive realised we arent going to be the equal partners i had dreamed. Buying a joint home... marriage... kids...

He is depressed, i am aware of this. I pay for him to attend private counselling (As part of a private healthcare annual plan i pay for) and he has been to 4 sessions so far.
Since the sessions started i think, without knowing whats been discussed, its almost given him the right to act even more miserable? Im not sure if that makes sense, but like the counsellor has agreed he has had a tough time, so validated his feelings.

Last night i snapped. He was telling me i hadnt turned the dishwasher on (In MY house, that he has never used) as he couldnt hear it running. I snapped back. He snapped back and laughed at how wrong i was. I snapped again in frustration (Dishwasher WAS on)... and threw a clean wet wipe at him. You know, i was cleaning the work tops, just got a fresh one out... and threw it at him.

It stuck to his elbow. He then refused to talk to me for the rest of the evening and stormed out this morning in a victimy huff about how in the wrong i was.

I havent followed or spoken to him or apologised - that is ALWAYS my job to initiate the adult resolution to an arguement. And im bored of it. Especially as i dont know what i get out of this anymore.

Am i being a bitch? Should i apologise for snapping?

He is depressed - should i be more patient? Give it more time?

Im open to being told im in the wrong.

[datasgingercatspot]

FFS! This guy is not an adult. He has yet to properly adult and guess what? He never will, he's fucking 40, FFS! He's loafing off his folks, his dad is doing all the lifework?! He quits jobs because he 'can't cope' with regular, normal life.

He has 'cockloder' written all over him! And all these men have an over-inflated sense of ego and fancy themselves an 'alpha male'.

He doesn't respect you! He's already mooching off you.

Get some respect for yourself!

You're doing all the work here.

You don't owe him anything.

You don't have time to waste if you do want marriage and kids.

Move on!

You're better off having a child on your own than with a person like this.

[aspoonfulofyourownmedicine]

I don't think you're being awful. I do think you need to get rid though.

I couldn't spend my life with a bloke who doesn't want to grow up and take responsibility as a functioning adult, especially when he legged it back to his dad when you said he would have to contribute to bills. Get out before you're stuck with him for life.

As for the poster who said that you have a temper problem for throwing a wet wipe........ seriously? Nothing like a bit 'victim blaming'. The OP has finally snapped after putting up with shit behaviour for months, and she has a temper problem? Christ, I bounced a ball of tinfoil off DH's head last week. He picked it up, threw it back at me, bounced it off my head and we laughed about it. I've thrown things at him in temper and in jest, but neither of us are abusive to each other and I certainly don't have a temper problem!!

[ConstanceSalinger]

There's another thread here OP about getting the "ick"... I think you've discovered he gives you the ick and honestly there's no going back. Just be glad you can walk away.

[Lillygolightly]

The main thing I see here, is that even before his mother’s death he was coasting through life. He coasts whilst you aim higher looking for a better future. I can totally understand why he seemed such a good catch to you initially, but on finding out that he actually had no money saved shows he was full of shit from the start. He was never ever looking for an equal partner, he was looking for an ass wiper and general rescuer. All that being said he might indeed be a lovely person but I think irrespective of his grieving or even how lovely he might be, you two are not fundamentally matched in your goals for life.

[BitOfFun]

LOL at it's a wet wipe first, what next?

Maybe a dish sponge? I think MensAid can stand down.

[JKScot4]

There’s also another thread here about a woman who finally threw a cocklodger out after 9 mths of him living free and bringing his kids along!

[CatteStreet]

He told you he was an alpha male? In those words? And that pleased you? It would have had me running.

But you don't need a reason to end something that is not working for you, which this isn't.

[helberg]

He's a cocklodger in waiting. He sails through life doing the absolute minimum amount of work needed to get by and sponging off others - his ex probably, his parents, you. I had an ex like this - they make a career out of it and get good at it.

His mother's death will have hit him hard. When I lost my mother I was away with the mixer for a good couple of years. I was getting on with life though and making sure I kept working and kept the household running - but I wasn't in a good place mentally and those couple of years are a complete blur. So I do sympathize with him for that.
However, I think he has cocklodging/scrounging history long before she died.

Anyway, you're not compatible. You want different things in your futures so he needs to go.
Also, if you're getting to the point where you are snapping (and throwing a wet wipe) rather than being able to have a sensible, calm discussion with him, I think you're too far down the road to repair the relationship. It's only going to get worse. Imagine what he'd be like when his Dad dies as well and he finds himself an orphan?

[datasgingercatspot]

He stayed for 2 weeks over xmas after a falling out with his dad and i said if he wanted to move in, he had to contribute towards bills... he went back to his dads shortly after. grin

STOP WASTING YOUR TIME! He is looking for a new place to cocklodge. You can guarantee his father is getting sick of his lazy arse son sponging in his house and expecting his elderly father to do most of the domestic drudge.

He expects to live for free or he feels hard done by.

I'd message him. 'I am sorry I snapped. But also quite glad because it woke me up and caused me to do some thinking. We're at different places in life and this relationship has run its course. It is time for us to move from each other so I'm calling time on this. It's not up for discussion or negotiation. I'll drop off your things (if he has any at yours) at X Costa tomorrow at Y time but my decision is final. We are no longer together.'

Do not waste your fertility on feeling sorry for this bloke. He doesn't feel sorry for you at all.

[RedDogsBeg]

Yep, the ditching of jobs, running home to live off mum and dad, expecting you to provide financially for activities (as well as do all the planning and organising), you paying for counselling for him via your private health care plan - cocklodger incarnate.

You can and will do better, OP.

[Icecreamdiva]

Walk far far away. Keep walking. Don’t look back.

[datasgingercatspot]

I'd willing to wager his ex wife also threw him out because she was sick of his cocklodging.

[EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall]

Telling me he was an alpha male would have given me the ick

I'd get rid, hes a cocklodger in the making. Almost 40 and living with his dad still paying nothing yet you are sorting out his councilling. Sod that

Can you imagine having a child with him? He sounds like my ex , id say run , run fast. He also had a house that he signed over to his ex and was back with his mum and dad while he saved up 🙄

Hes now left the country, and our children (I was an idiot) and is cocklodging with another women. I hate to think what he's told her about me

[FizzAfterSix]

He sounds absolutely useless. What is it with men these days?

[TinklyLittleLaugh]

Why are you cleaning your worktops with a wet wie? No wonder the planet is failing.

Oh yeah, the bloke sounds like a waster too.

[LightDappledLeaves]

Your independent, have a good job, a home, ' you don’t need this guy.

Let him know you have now split up.

Make sure you are safe, and change locks.

People are weird, so just to be on the safe side.

It doesn’t sound like he’s good enough for you.

Meet friends, and get out and have a good time.

[CalleighDoodle]

How on earth did you not laugh and leave when he described himself as an alpha male?!

[YouJustDoYou]

His depression isn't your responsibility to fix or alleviate. Just leave him. Your e wasting your precious years on this teenage boyman.

[poopbear]

You are wasting your life with this guy. He’s lied about the savings. Treats you like crap in your own house. Why are you putting up with this? You say he deserves respect?why? He’s got to earn it first. There’s a lot of stuff in your post about things you’ve done for him. Paid his counselling, give him somewhere to crash, entertain him etc what’s he done for you? List 3 things here please? Can you do that? What has he done for you? This is a one sided relationship. Doesn’t he creep you out? Sounds weird.

[poopbear]

Oh and an alpha male living with mummy and daddy hahaha! You’ve been had love.

[MikeUniformMike]

I was half-joking about the anger management, but you are not right for each other.

[NoMoreDickheads]

So, at the start he told you a pack of lies about himself, even calling himself an alpha male- only narcs do that really lol!

I think you invested a lot in it emotionally when you believed the lies, so now you find it hard to pull out.

But you've told us so many unpleasant things about him- he doesn't sound fun at all. And you know the lies aren't true.

I would acknowledge you were 'sold a pup' and move on. xx

[ChargeX]

@EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall oh no! Im sorry... if yours hadnt left the country i would wonder if it was the same guy. Perhaps its a common line blokes use? I just gave him the benefit of the doubt.
its starting to sound like my subconcious spidey senses were right and i was holding him at arms length for a reason.

Im starting to feel proud of myself for not giving in to my desire for marriage and kids by letting him move in and handing him everything for free that ive worked so hard for whilst he coasts. He has stuff here but i told him no more stuff until he bought himself a wardrobe or something to put it in, of course, he never did that.

I guess it feels like an unusual situation but from reading others responses it clearly isnt that unusual....the cocklodger type of man. Where is their pride?

[HundredMilesAnHour]

You should have walked away (pissing yourself laughing) when he called himself an alpha male.

This. I was going to say exactly the same thing.

It reminds me of the Maggie Thatcher quote: "Being powerful is like being a lady. If you have to tell people you are, you aren't". Substitute "alpha male" for "lady". HUGE red flag early on OP.

[Drum2018]

This relationship is not at all healthy. Time to free yourself from his manchild qualities and find yourself a grown up man. Do not contact him unless it's to tell him that the relationship is no longer working for you, no further explanations required.