DP won't marry me....

[LittleBows]

My dp and I have been together a number of years and are expecting our first. We have discussed getting married in the past and he assured me he definately wanted to when the time was right.

Six months ago we were having a barney about something else but the topic came up. He actually said he had been planning a proposal that very weekend, but I'd gone and "ruined" it by arguing. It's fair to say that since then I have been expecting a proposal, but no joy.

Last night I probed the topic further and eventually found the real reason why he hasn't ever asked me (even though everything is in the right place) and it turns out the bottom line is he is worried that if we get divorced I will take half of his assets. He has various assets to his name whereas I don't. He has never ever hinted at this before in all our conversations and I feel very misled as he's had endless opportunity to tell me. Like many men, he's awful as discussions and even worse at decision making. He ponders 5 mins over whether to have orange or apple juice .

I think he knows whilst although it may make sense to him to protect his stuff, it's hardly romantic for me to hear and also, what can I do about it? I can't suddenly produce assets to match his. Needless to say I was crying into the pillow last night. I felt terrible, such a failure and if only I too had a top-paying job and a flash car etc etc. I wondered if anyone else has encountered this and how the heck it can be resolved?!

i agree with what someone wrote further down tell him the importance of marraige to you and if he wont marry you, you will move on i did this and my dp got so upset he did love me but didn't want to geyt married yet although does one day so he says

the thing is you both have to want the same thing it wouldn't be fair if he felt pressured but also unfair as its what you thought he wanted same sit as me

tell him if marraige isn't on the cards you are going to find out legally where you stand as a cohibiting couple as you will be having child together say your happy to not get married as you would rather marry someone who willingly wanted to marry you without all the hard work as marraige should be a joyful thiong

then say and we dont need to be married for me to have your assets so i want to go find out legally for childs sake where you stand as if this is done a cohibiting couple can have some rights the same as a married couple if name isn't on house then find out if you can add your name so you have some rights over possessions and housing ask your partner if he still wants to be a couple with you if his concerns lay else where than his dp and unborn child best to do it now before added pressure of a baby comes along

Morbid thought but if he died tomorrow his family could chuck you and bump out of the home. If they were in charge of his estate, they could legally keep bump's inheritance until he was 18 and leave you to bring it up alone, homeless and with nothing. This is how precarious your situation is - does he even have a will?

A pre-nup LB? Hopefully the suggestion of one coming from you will make him feel so guilty (and reassured that you really don't don't want to feck orf with his "little boys toys" ), that he'll apologise and marry you.

Bloody men.

Sorry Pan, HD, BGD, Hub and any others..

LB - DP (please note the DP) did exactly the same to me when I got pg.

I should just let you know that 5 years down the line he's proposed to me 3 times and I've turned him down. Nuff said. .

I've been really impressed by how you're handling this, particularly because you are 8 weeks pg. I think whatever happens you will handle it and your baby will grow up with an amazing mother.

Message withdrawn

LB, have you ever considered showing this thread to his mummy? Is she aware of how he treats you?

Hello, I am with my partner and have a 4m+ child. I've always thought I'd got married before having a child but my partner divorced his wife early in our relationship (it was a swift not contested divorce as there were no children and she had a lover). So basically he is not that keen on marrying just yet because of previous bad experience. I had assets but he earns more than double and now that my maternity leave is going (I'm freelance so get the minimum anyway) I will be less well off. What we did is... he bought the house, I bought my half and then the lawyer made a document that if he dies I get half the house and if I die he gets my half. This was before the child and now the child is around he is thinking he might have to support me as it's better than putting child into nursery. I'm an older mum and I have savings but they won't last forever. IN your situation, when the child is born, he might change is mind, if not, do draw a will, at least saying that the child gets his assets if your partner dies and you will be guardian. When the child comes his family might change their tune too. You are the only one having a bond with the child right now, they are waiting.

hi, I have been waiting and waiting for a proposal but now think its not going to happen!!. we have talked so much about it but he does not want to get married, and i really havent a foggest why ??? ha its become a joke now! But we pay our fair way for bills and we have a Ds together, I think the main thing is money oh and he wants to get married in a registry office then down the pub for afters. I really think its cash to be honest and at the moment I would rather buy a house with a deposit than use the money for a wedding.
But hey it would b nice to go down the aisle in a dress not holding onto a zimmer!!!!

Marriage is a legal contract as much as anything. People who say it's just a piece of paper (not that anybody has said that here) are deluding themselves.

A woman who lives with a man and has his babies has no right to any property he owns (and a promise is the same as a legal contract), any pension rights he has accrued, his estate if he dies without leaving a will, the list goes on.

It isn't unusual to hear of women who have been with men for twenty years and brought up their children unmarried to be thrown out on the street with nothing when he decides he wants a change.

Honesty if he doesn't want a big wedding, get down to the registry office with two witnesses off the street. Either that or get to the solicitor's and start drawing up contracts over property and pensions. Nobody should rely on anybody's promises, not when lawyers exist to make those promises enforceable.

Sorry you are having such a stressful time when you both need to be concentrating on your pregnancy and getting ready for the baby.

I know being married is an emotional thing as much as a legal and financial one, so this will possibly sound very cold but... Knowledge is Power and you might feel more in control of your situation if you thoroughly researched the financial and legal side of marriage vs cohabitation. And your rights if you separate. Or if one of you dies.

There are some good websites which are a useful place to start eg

www.marriedornot.org.uk/

Your local citizens advice bureau might be able to advise you if you'd rather talk it over with a person.

I'm out of sync with most of the replies on this thread because - at least for the time BEFORE your pregnancy - I do actually see where your DP is coming from a little bit. My DP and I also started our relationship financially unequal (we've been together about the same time as you) but we're the other way round to you, as I'm the one with the higher salary and assets. My DP is a wonderful and amazing human being and is mad enough to quite like me too, and we are committed to each other and very happy... and we hope and expect to remain together... and we're talking about children... BUT rationally, we both know that some couples do separate and marriages end. My parents' marriage did. We think it's fair that if that happened, and while there are no children in the equation, we both take away what we brought/put in (financially and otherwise). If we were married (which we aren't) this would be in the hands of the courts, which have a wide discretion on how assets are divided. So we've done as best we can to achieve what WE want and believe to be fair, by drawing up a deed specifying our respective shares of the house (our biggest asset), sorting out life insurance, and making wills so neither of us is left high and dry if the other dies.

If/when there is a baby to provide for we will need to totally review our finances anyway. Providing for the baby would be the number 1 priority. This may mean marriage. It's something we will talk through as and when the time comes.

Maybe it would help your situation if you sit down with your DP, specifically NOT to talk about marriage as such, but - with business head on - to talk about putting your financial affairs in order as a couple, now your (HIS!) child is on the way. For example, what if he were to be run over by a bus? What if you were?

He might respond better to this approach and anyway, as a couple, it's probably something you'd need to do anyway if you haven't already. Putting things in order might turn out to be by marrying... or there might be other things you can both do, which at least protect you and the little one a bit better.

Good luck, whatever you decide to do, and I hope it all works out the best for all three of you.

If I were you, I would calmly but firmly tell him that you are exceptionally unhappy (say why - and by the way its sounds like you need to sound less 'apologetic'), that above all else this is having an impact on your pregnancy - do a google search on the effects of stress on pregnancy and show them to him, and that you are therefore making it a priority to take care of yourself and your baby and are going away for a while. Then do it, preferably somewhere out of town, with friends who can look after you.

Make it clear that you have negated his 'concern' about grabbing his assets by agreeing to a pre-nuptial. And that if this isnt good enough, then there surely must be more to it and frankly you are offended.

I have spoken to a lot of solicitors about the same issue, some years ago before my marriage. Prenuptials are not BINDING in court but they ARE taken into some consideration.

And that is better than nothing.
Meanwhile, go and have a massage. Ive just been through hell with my DH and this is my second pregnancy, but the massage sure helped those intensely sad times!