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Original poster

DP won't marry me....

186 replies

LittleBows · 04/09/2007 18:35

My dp and I have been together a number of years and are expecting our first. We have discussed getting married in the past and he assured me he definately wanted to when the time was right.

Six months ago we were having a barney about something else but the topic came up. He actually said he had been planning a proposal that very weekend, but I'd gone and "ruined" it by arguing. It's fair to say that since then I have been expecting a proposal, but no joy.

Last night I probed the topic further and eventually found the real reason why he hasn't ever asked me (even though everything is in the right place) and it turns out the bottom line is he is worried that if we get divorced I will take half of his assets. He has various assets to his name whereas I don't. He has never ever hinted at this before in all our conversations and I feel very misled as he's had endless opportunity to tell me. Like many men, he's awful as discussions and even worse at decision making. He ponders 5 mins over whether to have orange or apple juice .

I think he knows whilst although it may make sense to him to protect his stuff, it's hardly romantic for me to hear and also, what can I do about it? I can't suddenly produce assets to match his. Needless to say I was crying into the pillow last night. I felt terrible, such a failure and if only I too had a top-paying job and a flash car etc etc. I wondered if anyone else has encountered this and how the heck it can be resolved?!

OP posts:
birthdaycake · 04/09/2007 20:22

Oh no, I've killed the thread.

Original poster
LittleBows · 04/09/2007 20:26

I know birthdaycake, it's just that I thought as dp had said he did want to get married and made me believe it was a whisker away, I felt it didn't matter which came first exactly. As he is and was very well aware of my wish to get married that he would be duty or honour bound to enlighten me that it was definately not going to happen. In some conversations we've had he's mysteriously hinted at a proposal coming when I least expect it so the prospect has been dangled in front of my nose a long time.

You are definately right re the row. At the time I considered the possibility that he was lying and said so to him but thought he could never be so cruel. He even stomped upstairs and brought down tickets to a concert he'd booked for that weekend as some sort of proof. (No sign of a ring tho).

OP posts:
Original poster
LittleBows · 04/09/2007 20:26

Crossed posts, birthdaycake! I'm still here! Misery loves her company hey....

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fortunecookie · 04/09/2007 20:27

I know it's easy for me to say because I'm not in love with your partner & not pg but tbh, I'd run. He sounds like a bad accident waiting to happen. Selfish, spoiled... grrrr!

fortunecookie · 04/09/2007 20:38

I'm very sorry to be so blunt, LittleBows, but he sounds the absolute end! Anyway, what do I know? I can't judge your dp by the few lines you've written about him but you are extremely vulnerable. Maybe it's best not to get married right away & see how things pan out. Here in Switzerland, I know that after you've lived with someone for more than 3 years, you're considered a "common law spouse" & entitled to the money you've accrued since being together, ie assets made are assets shared. And I would imagine even more so when you share a child between you.

Bouquetsofdynomite · 04/09/2007 20:44

I believe it's 6yrs of cohabiting in the Uk if that's any help? Ask on the legal forum.
Have to say that if he's thinking so much about what would happen if you split he's not really visualising commitment is he? But perhaps it's not really the real reason at all, perhaps it's just something the said to distract you (it's worked hasn't it?). Possibly he just doesn't want to spend the rest of his life with you (sorry). He sounds the kind of bloke who hates to be the bad guy and would dig himself into a hole through sheer cowardice and wanting a quiet life, perhaps things have got out of hand.

Original poster
LittleBows · 04/09/2007 20:48

You're right, fortunecookie. He is selfish and spoiled. Part of the problem is that he has hardly put a foot wrong since birth in terms of school, uni, career etc and his family think he's the bee's knees (which is fair enough). Therefore he's is not used to feeling unpopular and avoids situations that could lead to it. He should have been cruel to be kind on this topic but that would make him feel bad... so he didn't. I'll just have to make the best of it now. I am glad to hear that at least I am not going mad by thinking he has been unreasonable, because he was really trying hard to put it back on me last night. He even said that deep down I really knew he didn't want to get married because he doesn't want to lose half his assets if we divorce More bluster to make him feel better.

Eventually he said I had made HIM feel so bad he couldn't sleep so was going to the spare room.

OP posts:
LittleBella · 04/09/2007 20:50

No there is no such thing as a common law wife or husband in English law, if you split you have no rights, but your child has the right to a derisory level of support.

Original poster
LittleBows · 04/09/2007 20:50

How funny Bouquet! Crossed posts - echoing yours re the bad guy scenerio!!

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fortunecookie · 04/09/2007 20:52

Wow, that's a crappy deal!

bohemianbint · 04/09/2007 20:57

How would he like it if you told him you were having secnd thoughts about naming him as the father on the birth certificate?

Sounds like a very upsetting situation. Hope you're ok. Can you put your foot down with him?

katz · 04/09/2007 21:05

as far as i am aware common law spouse doesn't exist in the uk. they are talking of introducing it but right now it doesn't exist

Original poster
LittleBows · 04/09/2007 21:06

I'm holding it together bohemianbint. Just. There were a few misty-eyed red-nosed moments at work "late hayfever!" - but I have found an inner strength I didn't know I had. Normally I would be in a snivelling heap on the floor (literally). I was truly gutted last night as years of hopes fell away in approximately 10 minutes. It was a big kick in the guts. But I'll think of something...

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Bouquetsofdynomite · 04/09/2007 21:06

He probably doesn't even know he's doing the distraction thing, just knows you're making him feel bad but can't admit to himself why this is so. Could you gently explain it to him that you need him to be straight and honest, even if it makes you feel bad and him feel guilty about it. If he starts a distraction (eg blustering) try and point it out to him. And if he reeeeally pisses you off tell him a real man doesn't set off smokebombs to run away from a fight .
You've probably tried it all before though I'm sure . It's very manipulative behaviour though, my friend had a nasty mind-screwing ex and that was one of his tricks to keep her on a lead. The marriage carrot thing too actually, that's why this seems so familiar to me!

Isababel · 04/09/2007 21:13

Well, I don't think he could be forced into signing a marriage certificate, but I think that I wouldn't agree to add his name to child's birth certificate.

After all, he may be worried of loosing part of his assets if you divorce, great! but what about you?, shouldn't you be worrying about custody etc. if you divorce? You are happy to let him share on such a big thing, well, he better start to trust you more as he is the one more likely to loose BIG TIME should you divorce.

LazyLinePainterJane · 04/09/2007 21:13

I think that if he were aware that you wanted to get married and he knew all along that he didn't want to, then he has been very unfair in not being straight with you.

I think it's sad that he cannot see through his material possessions and realise that family is more important.

Maybe he's not that sure about your relationship?

Original poster
LittleBows · 04/09/2007 21:21

Well possibly, LazyLinePainterJane. Anything's possible after last night. I am looking at him through different eyes today. He truly believes him and his precious assets are the most important things going here - not us, not our assets, not our future family.

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KD73 · 04/09/2007 21:22

Littlebows,

Can I ask how long you have been together?

Original poster
LittleBows · 04/09/2007 21:28

Just over 3.5 years, KD73. Easily enough time for a bright guy like him to either a) work out if I'm a gold digger and b) decide if he wants to marry me and c) go and find out what he needs to re pre nups etc if that's the only thing stopping him. Surely a man in love doesn't just not do anything. He hasn't even enquired into the legalities to bring about a compromise, he's just heard that wives fleece husbands for half in a divorce and that' all he needs to know.

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birthdaycake · 04/09/2007 21:29

There's no such thing as a common law spouse in English law, it's a myth.

Think long and hard about taking the advice to prevent him putting his name on the birth certificate. IMO it's using your child to hit back at him. How do you think your child would feel to have a blank space in the spot marked 'father', I doubt they'd like it. Put your child first.

You're in a difficult situation. I don't think it was fair of him to blame you for his insomnia, perhaps it was his guilty conscience. However, once again he was trying to make you feel responsible. I don't like it.

birthdaycake · 04/09/2007 21:30

How old is he.

KD73 · 04/09/2007 21:34

Littlebows,

I know this isn't any consolation but at 3.5 yrs my partner was saying he wouldn't marry me.

I took it that I simply wasn't good enough to make a lifetime commitment too and this cause me much anguish and pain. His argument being "I made a 25 yr committment when we got the mortgage" - no honey we made the commitment with the Halifax !!!!

I do hope that I understand as I often despaired, threatening to walk away, threatening to send him back to his parents etc etc.

Despite your disappointment do you love him and can you see your future apart? Ultimately I couldn't (hence I changed my name)

peanutbear · 04/09/2007 21:35

My Dp says this is common with men
He says it is the way the law is structured and its all to easy to change your mind, women are always entitled to half of everything which is unfair and they are entitled to mainteneance for themselves not just the children,

he is odd though just wnted to tell you what he says

fishie · 04/09/2007 21:36

are you sure that the money thing is all of it? maybe he is very scared of the responsbility of being a father and indeed commitment generally.

we did get as far as registry office to book it once, but didn't have enough cash.

Original poster
LittleBows · 04/09/2007 21:39

He can be manipulative in an argument birthdaycake. His worst habit is that if I repeat something he's said, I have to get it right word for word (including all "and's and the's") otherwise I am a liar. He will repeat this word not letting me get a word in edgways until the argument moves away from the point in question and shifts to whether I am a liar or not. Is that manipulative?! He is very intelligent and hard to win against. I know he sounds awful but it's his way of defending himself I guess.

he is 30.

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