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Original poster

DP won't marry me....

186 replies

LittleBows · 04/09/2007 18:35

My dp and I have been together a number of years and are expecting our first. We have discussed getting married in the past and he assured me he definately wanted to when the time was right.

Six months ago we were having a barney about something else but the topic came up. He actually said he had been planning a proposal that very weekend, but I'd gone and "ruined" it by arguing. It's fair to say that since then I have been expecting a proposal, but no joy.

Last night I probed the topic further and eventually found the real reason why he hasn't ever asked me (even though everything is in the right place) and it turns out the bottom line is he is worried that if we get divorced I will take half of his assets. He has various assets to his name whereas I don't. He has never ever hinted at this before in all our conversations and I feel very misled as he's had endless opportunity to tell me. Like many men, he's awful as discussions and even worse at decision making. He ponders 5 mins over whether to have orange or apple juice .

I think he knows whilst although it may make sense to him to protect his stuff, it's hardly romantic for me to hear and also, what can I do about it? I can't suddenly produce assets to match his. Needless to say I was crying into the pillow last night. I felt terrible, such a failure and if only I too had a top-paying job and a flash car etc etc. I wondered if anyone else has encountered this and how the heck it can be resolved?!

OP posts:
PeterDuck · 04/09/2007 21:44

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Original poster
LittleBows · 04/09/2007 21:45

KD73 - I do love him, annoyed and upset though I am. He has a lot of good points as a partner - but I'm not sure that they are wiped out with the way he's handled this situation. He's had so much time and opportunity to tell me how he felt.

Peanutbear - that's more or less dp's point. He thinks thats fair and I should think it's fair too. End of story! It's just that he has let our situation move on so much whilst keeping that point to himself and letting me labour under an illusion.

Fishie - he doesn't seem scared of being a dad. I really think he's more worried about his cash than his unborn child and worried, loving partner.

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PeterDuck · 04/09/2007 21:45

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Elizabetth · 04/09/2007 21:46

Calling you a liar is abusive.

Is that really what he thinks of the mother of his child? The thing is it's more likely he is projecting because he tells lies, like the fact he pretended that he was going to propose when he had no intention.

Do you think he respects you?

birthdaycake · 04/09/2007 21:47

It sounds like whenever something's wrong one way or another he manages to put the focus onto you.

birthdaycake · 04/09/2007 21:48

So, what are his good points then.

Original poster
LittleBows · 04/09/2007 21:49

Do you know Peterduck, I think he has never considered how he would feel if he lost me. Whilst he is definately not a look-at-me poser type, he is aware of his status a "catch", for want of a better description. I don't think he'd have to wait long for someone else to fill my shoes. And he knows it.

OP posts:
birthdaycake · 04/09/2007 21:54

You see, I was abolutely determined that any man I had a child with must be willing to make the commitment to marry me. not least because it is just not done in my family to have a child outside of marriage. So much so that I wouldn't even contemplate having a child without being married even if we had agreed to get married later. Now I'm married with a child I'm not so sure that it was as important as I thought. Easy to feel like that when you know that you've got the security of the commitment. My dh would never talk to me like your dp though.

He's not particularly young but does come across as quite self-centred. How old are you LB, did you have much experience of relationships before you got together with him.

Original poster
LittleBows · 04/09/2007 21:54

I'm not sure anymore birthdaycake.

Before yesterday, I would have said:

Kind
Thoughtful
Intelligent
Caring
Responsible
Hardworking
Family minded (with his own, not with his future one it seems)

I wouldn't say funny though, which would complete the list. He's fairly serious most of the time.

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LoveMyGirls · 04/09/2007 21:55

I don't know what you should do really i only know my dp wont marry me either - nt that we cn afford it right now anyway, i had 1 dd when we met and now we have a dd together, we have lived together 6 years and we love each other more everyday, I think we should be married because if something hppens to me i wat my children to stay together, id like my dp to adopt dd1 as my ex was not fit to be a father. He just won't do it i've decided to carry on as we are (happy) and hope in a few years when he has grown up abit more he will change his mind and realise than after being with me for so long I am worth the honour of becoming his wife. If by the time i am 30 he is showing no sign of wanting to be married I will have to seriously re-consider our relationship as we will have been together about 10yrs by then.

At the moment we get on so well and e is such a great father how can i break that apart when the only thing missing is a piece of paper and a title?

Having children can change men,maybe once the baby is born he will realise what he could lose - much more than any amount of money!

Do not stress yourself out whilst you are pregnant over this.

Have you decided which surmane your child will have? Most men want their childrent o have their surname so............maybe this could be your bargaining tool - BUT do you really want to be maried to someone who had to be forced into it? I know i don't I want him to WANT to marry me. Whenhe says the vows i WANT him to mean them, infact i'll have waited so bloody long i'd like him to write his own!

PeterDuck · 04/09/2007 21:55

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birthdaycake · 04/09/2007 21:55

He likes to have the upper hand in the relationship. Can you live with it.

LoveMyGirls · 04/09/2007 21:57

Really should have previewed that message sorry, my keys aren't working properly!

Original poster
LittleBows · 04/09/2007 22:00

I am 32 birthdaycake. I have had two serious relationships before this one. The first was a sweetie but lacked direction or drive, a gentle hippy spirit. The second was a work machine who had no concept of a life outside the office. Hence current dp seemed to combine the best of both extremes.

Plus we come from similar backgrounds (his slightly "better" though) and have been brought up similarly. It was love at first sight, or nearly.

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PeterDuck · 04/09/2007 22:00

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Hurlyburly · 04/09/2007 22:03

The more I read, tiddley pom

the CROSSER I GET

How dare he make you feel like he is catch but you arent? How dare he call you a liar repeatedly? How dare he make you feel guilty and upset for badgering him by manipulatively suggesting that he was "about" to ask you to marry him.

Trust me, you don't want to marry him.

birthdaycake · 04/09/2007 22:07

I'm not saying that it is right or wrong to live with someone like this because at the end of the day personal relationships are very complex and, I think, can really only be understood by the people concerned. i've said that I don't like it but it really only matters whether LB wants to live with it not whether other people think she should.

At the end of the day LB, you're pregnant and vulnerable and any decision that you make will affect your child as well as yourself. You don't have to make any lifechanging decisions right now or take other people's advice. Just think it through from your own perspective.

Original poster
LittleBows · 04/09/2007 22:08

I know birthdaycake, my mum has commented before (then shut up quickly) that it infuriates her that I feel subservient to this man. (Mainly based on financial assets).

I have tried to explain exactly that Peterduck, re love and loyalty, but he is a businessman ultimately and it didn't cut the mustard no matter how much from the heart he could see it was meant.

Lovemygirls - I wouldn't want him to feel held to ransom over this, no. I thought he wanted to get married eventually so I am slowly getting used to the idea if he did do it he might feel forced into it. And may feel paranoid about being jilted (shudder).

OP posts:
birthdaycake · 04/09/2007 22:08

What would happen if you started behaving a little more assertively.

Desiderata · 04/09/2007 22:10

Let's get down to business here. I'm not going down the emotional 'oh, what a bastard' route, because it's not particularly helpful. They're expecting a child .. their child ... and it's in everyone's best interests that they stay together, no?

You want to get married. He has cold feet. He will be nervous about the forthcoming baby, which hasn't been factored in yet.

There is no pressing reason (but for your own upbringing), why you need to get married at the moment. Forcing him to a decision will lead to further heartache.

Discuss the advisability of marriage (for the sake of legitimizing your child and consolidating your relationship), but suggest a two-year pre-nup agreement. At the end of this term, he will have bonded with his child to such an extent that I doubt very much that he will regret his decision to marry.

birthdaycake · 04/09/2007 22:11

He sounds a bit self-important. He might grow out of it.

Elizabetth · 04/09/2007 22:12

Why should he need a child to persuade him that Littlebows is worth marrying?

Is a man who behaves like this really that much of a catch in the first place?

PeterDuck · 04/09/2007 22:12

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birthdaycake · 04/09/2007 22:13

Do you not feel good enough for him? is this why he gets away with it.

Hurlyburly · 04/09/2007 22:14

Desi - pre-nuptual agreements have no force of law - that's no solution - and the OP does not doubt that her DP will love the baby.