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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DP won't marry me....

186 replies

LittleBows · 04/09/2007 18:35

My dp and I have been together a number of years and are expecting our first. We have discussed getting married in the past and he assured me he definately wanted to when the time was right.

Six months ago we were having a barney about something else but the topic came up. He actually said he had been planning a proposal that very weekend, but I'd gone and "ruined" it by arguing. It's fair to say that since then I have been expecting a proposal, but no joy.

Last night I probed the topic further and eventually found the real reason why he hasn't ever asked me (even though everything is in the right place) and it turns out the bottom line is he is worried that if we get divorced I will take half of his assets. He has various assets to his name whereas I don't. He has never ever hinted at this before in all our conversations and I feel very misled as he's had endless opportunity to tell me. Like many men, he's awful as discussions and even worse at decision making. He ponders 5 mins over whether to have orange or apple juice .

I think he knows whilst although it may make sense to him to protect his stuff, it's hardly romantic for me to hear and also, what can I do about it? I can't suddenly produce assets to match his. Needless to say I was crying into the pillow last night. I felt terrible, such a failure and if only I too had a top-paying job and a flash car etc etc. I wondered if anyone else has encountered this and how the heck it can be resolved?!

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LittleBella · 04/09/2007 22:15

I think for me it wouldn't even really be about marriage, it would be about his commitment to me and his value of me.

birthdaycake · 04/09/2007 22:17

Peter- x posts, i wasn't alluding to you.

birthdaycake · 04/09/2007 22:19

I wouldn't like to see my dd with a man who thought he was superior to her. I probably wouldn't want to say too much in case it drove her away from me and towards him. Do you think it might be worth having a conversation with your mother.

NurseyJo · 04/09/2007 22:19

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Original poster

LittleBows · 04/09/2007 22:21

I know, Hurlyburly. Written down it doesn't look so good. This is all helping me think clearly though.

Thanks for your support Peterduck

I blame the parents. Seriously. He has been brought up as a princeling. Great for self confidence but not for self awareness. Unfortunately I'm not enough of a princess. There's a friend of the family (a girl our age) they are constantly promoting as being just fantastic, a really great sort, such good fun etc. She's a bit like a daughter-in-law to them already - always popping round with flowers and all that.

I just need to get some backbone and realise that ultimately right now I am nurturing the best asset you could have in life.

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birthdaycake · 04/09/2007 22:21

I agree with desira it is in the child's interests if they can stay together but not if it costs the whole of LB's self-esteem. If it's going down that route then it's becoming an abusive relationship. Interesting, that, in view of all the comments (including mine) about him liking the upper hand etc.

madamez · 04/09/2007 22:29

THe trouble is, if you get him to marry you now then there's a strong possibility that, in every row you have in the future, he'll bring it up 'you forced me to marry you! I only did it to keep you happy now you won't do (whatever it is he wants) for me'.
Of course, he could just be having dad-to-be vapours, which a lot of men get, poor diddums - and it's also true that a PG woman can feel much more emotional about things she wouldn't previoulsy have been that bothered about.
I think you probably need to reduce the temperature between you for a little while, focus on the good things and leave the whole subject of marriage alone for the time being.

sleepycat · 04/09/2007 22:29

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

LittleBows · 04/09/2007 22:31

Peterduck - I haven't asked him yet if he wouldn't marry me under any circs incl. pre nup yet - I think he would be interested in pre nup until he finds out most courts in the UK don't give two figs for it, so it means not a lot.

TBH birthdaycake, its shaming but no - I don't feel good enough for him. At least in materialistic terms. I feel like I've let the side down by not having as good a job, or earning better, or having a nicer car. I think he has been brought up expecting to marry upwards as it were. Like a Jane Austen novel. I know that sounds like a joke but it's not. I think his parents expect him to present them with a DIL they can boast about to their friends. DP hasn't considered that a business-type high-flyer partner wouldn't have the time or energy maybe to pair his socks, or unpack his smelly gym kit, or replace his deodorant without being asked. My job is worthy in title but not pay, although it has potential to increase significantly - just takes ages.

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Desiderata · 04/09/2007 22:31

But, hurley, if they have no teeth, then what is the point of them, and why are lawyers servicing them?

Hurlyburly · 04/09/2007 22:34

There is no point to them in English law. Dunno about other jurisdictions.

Desiderata · 04/09/2007 22:37

I'm beginning to wonder whether English law has any point at all

birthdaycake · 04/09/2007 22:38

LB, you don't need to feel ashamed. I think that you've identified the crux of the problem in your relationship which is that you don't feel good enough for him and he knows it which gives him the power to call all the shots. He probably wouldn't want a woman who felt she was his equal because he would lose his power in the relationship.

Like I said before, can you live with this. If not how could you change the situation.

birthdaycake · 04/09/2007 22:40

Are you going to return to work or stay at home when you've had the baby.

Original poster

LittleBows · 04/09/2007 22:42

EXACTLY sleepycat - it can't be more of a commitment/frightening to get married than to have a baby!!

Your advice is good mademez - I just worry that by keeping quiet now I am somehow agreeing with his opinion.

He's pleased about the baby but my awful thought now (since he has successfully misled me over the marriage bit - what else??) is that ultimately if it's too much like hard work, we split, he gets the nice bits (days out here and there, showing off the baby to his parents) plus paying minimal maintenance which he can easily afford. Trying it out somewhat. Whereas for me there would be no having the baby for a few days etc. Even if we tried to split care 50/50, with his job he just couldn't manage it.

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NurseyJo · 04/09/2007 22:44

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Original poster

LittleBows · 04/09/2007 22:50

Desi - from my lunchtime research today on pre nups it seems lawyers can charge up to £1000 to set one up. That's why they are happy to sort them out. However the courts can choose to consider it or not. Or maybe a few bits of it. I don't think the law has been changed to accommodate such a thing as pre-nup yet.

Birthdaycake - definately return to work. Always was the plan. Both our parents are nearish so that plus nursery was the plan for childcare.

I don't know long-term. I'm upset and annoyed with dp over this but could I or should I turn myself out of a home over it? I do feel like issuing an ultimatum though, if nothing else to show him exactly how serious this is.

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Original poster

LittleBows · 04/09/2007 22:51

8 weeks Nurseyjo. It's early days still.

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NurseyJo · 04/09/2007 22:55

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sleepycat · 04/09/2007 22:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

birthdaycake · 04/09/2007 22:57

Sounds like a good idea to return to work and keep a degree of independence. Staying at home tends not to do much for a woman's self esteem especially if it's not that high anyway.

Elizabetth · 04/09/2007 23:00

Is the house you live in in both your names LB? At the very least he can do that.

Original poster

LittleBows · 04/09/2007 23:01

Bizarre as it may sound after all this, I certainly did imagine spending the rest of my life with him. Yes he's a few faults but so has everyone - including me. Ultimately I made a decision for myself some time ago (and told him clearly I had) that as far as a life partner went, he was it for me. Deal. (type thing).

Mentally and emotionally I had no thoughts of anyone else ever taking his place. I entrusted him with my life and my heart and he accepted it. That's why its impossible to comprehend his real attitude now. He has just had so much opportunity to put me straight, if I'm not "it" for him.

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Original poster

LittleBows · 04/09/2007 23:05

No elizabetth, the house is ours in the sense I pay a substantial sum towards the mortgage - however, I pay it to him (his personal account). We discussed this last week and he said he has no problem with my name being officially added.

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Original poster

LittleBows · 04/09/2007 23:07

I think hormones are definately playing their part sleepycat. I knew I wanted to get married (so did dp) beforehand, but it just didn't have the same relevance or urgency that it does now. My body must want security for the baby.

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