DP won't marry me....

[LittleBows]

My dp and I have been together a number of years and are expecting our first. We have discussed getting married in the past and he assured me he definately wanted to when the time was right.

Six months ago we were having a barney about something else but the topic came up. He actually said he had been planning a proposal that very weekend, but I'd gone and "ruined" it by arguing. It's fair to say that since then I have been expecting a proposal, but no joy.

Last night I probed the topic further and eventually found the real reason why he hasn't ever asked me (even though everything is in the right place) and it turns out the bottom line is he is worried that if we get divorced I will take half of his assets. He has various assets to his name whereas I don't. He has never ever hinted at this before in all our conversations and I feel very misled as he's had endless opportunity to tell me. Like many men, he's awful as discussions and even worse at decision making. He ponders 5 mins over whether to have orange or apple juice .

I think he knows whilst although it may make sense to him to protect his stuff, it's hardly romantic for me to hear and also, what can I do about it? I can't suddenly produce assets to match his. Needless to say I was crying into the pillow last night. I felt terrible, such a failure and if only I too had a top-paying job and a flash car etc etc. I wondered if anyone else has encountered this and how the heck it can be resolved?!

It's very odd, about the pre-nup. You would have thought that it was as intractable as a will (and even they can get wobbly).

I guess it's because English law is unwritten and works on precedent. That said, having a pre-nup does necessitate a trip to the court ... so it does have some power.

Either way, I'm sorry for the situation you're in and I hope you get a happy resolution

I'd listen to your hormones then, LB. They sound like they are being pretty sensible.

I'm feeling like HurlyBurly, the more I read the crosser I get. He thinks you are beneath him financially but he's happy to take your money to pay his mortgage.

I hope he gets your house put in both your names as soon as possible because at the moment it doesn't belong to both of you it belongs to him and you'd have to take him to court if anything went wrong and there is no guarantee the court would rule in your favour. You have virtually no legal rights in this situation.

That's a good idea Nurseyjo. I may work on that first on the list.

I think I'm off to bed soon. Thanks for all your support this evening. It really helps. I hope my mind sifts through all the good advice and comes up with a solution or plan of action in the morning.

Good night everyone xxx

Why are you paying the money to him rather than the mortgage company. He is not your landlord and neither are you flatmates. See what happens when you ask, and then insist if necessary, that he adds your name to the mortgage. That should give you an indication of his commitment to you.

I know elizabetth. No legal rights at all. I could have insisted on the mortage thing earlier but guess what - didn't feel I was worthy. Where is my backbone and self respect???

You don't just need to be on the mortgage, you need to be on the house deeds as well, LB. Make sure you have your own solicitor representing you when you sort this out, don't just rely on his.

Thanks Nurseyjo.

Night again all.

Really going this time!

xxx

above was x-posted LB. You're getting your backbone and self-respect now. Please don't do yourself down, he sounds a bit of a handful to deal with.

It's all very Charles, Di and Camilla isn't it?
Have a think about all these behaviours which we are all saying are unreasonable and manipulative and chipping away at your self esteem. Have they got better or worse over the years? Would you have scoffed at this mortgage arrangement before you met him? Do you feel you've changed for the better or worse since living with him?
Have a think about living with his behaviour for the rest of your life. Also how it will affect your child - do you want your child to grow up like him? Do you want your child to see this wonky seesaw as a pattern for relationships?

If the worst comes to the worst you mum sounds like a caring sort, you are lucky to have family support - don't ever let him come between you.

He sounds manipulative and controlling. You are incredibly vulnerable at the moment - pregnant, no legal ownership of a house you are paying part of the mortgage for, and a man who has expressed a lack of willingness not to support you or your child financially in the case of a break up.

I have to say I really disagree that we must assume you're staying together is best for this child. This chappie doesn't sound like much of a man, never mind decent father material.

Your poor Mum she's probably been worried about you for years and hoping you'd see what kind of man you were with before you did something you couldn't take back like get pregnant.

His behaviour towards you is utterly dishonourable.

It is way past ultimatum time. Go to stay with your mother for a bit. Take her counsel. See how he reacts and think very long and hard about what kind of life you want for you and your child before considering doing it with him. And ONLY consider it if he offers a full and permanent legal partnership that protects you and your child, and ONLY if he realises that he is the unworthy one in this relationship.

Yes, the more I read, the less I like. If he won't put your name on the house deeds, then you need to think seriously about protecting yourself and your child, because that will indicate very strongly that he enjoys having power over you and wants to keep you feeling insecure - which is not a good way to raise a child with someone.

Of course, if he immediately agrees to that (you could explain to him, calmly, that if he dropped dead you and his child could end up homeless if you are neither married to him nor on the deeds of the house) then he's just someone with a block on the idea of marriage itself, and you would probably be best off leaving the subject alone for the time being.
But, thinking about it, the way he seems to hold the idea of a proposal (not even the booking of a wedding) over your head as a threat is not reassuring.

i would recomend not moving out of the marital home. unless you know you are going to be ok financially. stay there.

Can I just say that 'well I was about to propose actually but you've spoilt the moment now' is a line that screams manipulative bully to me.

he sounds lke a nightmare. i know you say you love him. but i think it would have been far far better not to be having a child with this man.
i know i said dont move out of the marital home. and had you been in thi situation with two kid, then yes, i still think that. but if youare 8 weeks pregnant.
just get away from this man. far afar far away. once the baby is b orn, if you can get hi proved to be the babies father, then he has to pay 15% of his net income regardelss of whether he wants t or not. butit sounds like you are a capable woman,nd i think you would be better off witout him.
lots of luck

Agreed, bouquet. When I told my dh about it last night, he snorted & said "what a w&nker!"

Obviously if this person intended to propose, he wouldn't let a quarrel stand in his way. So sad for you & your baby, LB.

what a prick - has he realised you are carrying the most valuable asset??????????

Hi there. Back on again briefly, dp is out at the moment. Well in the last 48 hours not a lot has changed - the marriage or proposal words have hardly been mentioned. I have deliberately not brought it up to see if he does (he hasn't). Except - at the end of one normal text he did add "what colour metal do you like?". I texted him back the answer and this again hasn't been mentioned at all. It could be a hint (again) of a proposal, or there again he could be planning ahead for a handbag for Christmas or something.

I just don't know what to think. If he was planning to propose, is this just because of the baby? And also, it's likely the actual wedding would be after the baby's born - and he could be delay the wedding for ages, if not for ever. What if I mc? (awful thought but it does happen and is early days of pg), would he feel he didn't still have to get married in that case? And perhaps the worst: if he could mislead me so successfully over wanting to get married/faux proposal etc then... could he be proposing to keep me quiet? It's a promise and a ring not a legally binding ceremony.

I'm really loathe to tell my mum all of this as she will take over events. As a mum she will also be furious for me and if dp & I last the course it would be very difficult for her to genuinely like him. But she's in a different position to me and I also don't want to make myself her responsibility.

I agree with what you said fortunecookie and bouquets, a row wouldn't stop him proposing. When we discussed it the other day I said I was expecting it to happen soon after, and he said he just got very busy with work and hadn't had time to think about it much since. That was galling, as at every key day/night/event since then I have been wondering if it could be the moment.

I'm going to be blunt LB, I reckon you need to forget about this marriage proposal and start thinking about your concrete financial situation, which can be sorted out fairly quickly and to your and your baby's advantage hopefully.

The first thing to do is to refuse to give him any more money until your name is on the house deeds (not the mortgage although you will probably be on that as well). I urge you to discuss this with him right away.

On the other hand you could be a modern woman and propose to him. Is there anything stopping you? At the moment you must be feeling very on edge and insecure which won't be helping your pregnancy.

oh littlebows I am really sorry to hear your situation .
If you want my honest opinion, I would concentrate my time and energy completely on boosting my own self esteem and self respect. what would make you feel better abut yourself? what about getting some education or training to give yourself more earning potential? going to the gym? finding an interest that doesn't include this person?
it seems massively clear to me that this person isn't really worth all the time and trouble he is puitting you to. he doesn't treat you with love and respect. he likes to put you down because I think it makes him feelbetter. he clearly has deep seated issues about commitment. you really really can't change any of this. but you can change the fact that you allow his to treat you like this. that doesn't necessarily mean the end of your relationship, but tbh you are acting a bit like a doormat and if anything is going to change that is the first thing to go.
sorry to be so harsh. but you need to think about your future and that of your baby. and you need to start taking care of yourself so you can start taking care of your new baby.
best of luck HC xx

oh yes and Elizabeth is right. get yourself on the house deeds now - say that you are contributing and you need some financial security esp now you are pregnant with his baby.
go to the CABor a solicitor.
get it sorted

Well elizabetth, I could propose to him, but I think if he wanted to get married he would ask me. Asking him could make myself look desperate and that's not attractive plus it gives him even more of the upper hand.

I am going to investigate going on the house deeds. That's an excellent point as I would only have thought about going on the mortgage - and I bet he wouldn't enlighten me. He has no reason that I can see to imagine we would split up. Unless he's not sure of the relationship at all. But why take part in the agreement to try for a baby in that case?

It is putting a strain on my pg. I am tired, not sleeping/eating as well as usual and have already had some worrying pains although it's my first pg so I wouldn't know any different. (They come and go like period cramp). I think you're right to suggest forgetting about the proposal side of things and concentrate on the practical. I have to.

Ditto Elizabeth.
Stop thinking about proposals and engagements, take a step back and take an objective look at the relationship. Go have a night or two away somewhere with a friend or by yourself in a hotel, you are still a Double-Income-No-Kids-Yet, you will never be able to do this again! Apart from anything it will give him a jolt.