Spook's wonderful new life

[anorak]

Time for a change of title, I think. You have stopped moving away from sadness and are now moving towards happiness and a new life, spook!

More ups than downs now . What's the latest?

Oh Anorak honey. What a lovely thing to do. Well thankyou. By the end of the week I was feeling fantastic. I felt I was finally getting somewhere. DH was acknowledging my existence,told me how nice I was looking,calling the house to talk to the boys instead of texting me for them to phone him....then yesterday it all went wrong and he was really nasty to me again. I'm just off to the beach but will explain more later. I think he senses the new confident looking good me and doesn't like it???
I have been thinking about you alot this weekend Anorak-I hope things are bearable in your house?? Much love XXXX

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I think you are exactly right about his reasons. They always want what they can't have.

hi spook you have been having such an exciting life atm - may it carry on! i think that you have to detach your opinion of yourself from his opinion of you - his vested interest is in keeping you in the background, subordinate little wifey at home, not in you doing so well for yourself - so you have to bear in mind that he wants whats best for him, rather than what's best for you, and so you can't rely on what he says about you, as he has his own personal agenda.
have a good time at the beach

Saw this thread and thought I'd have a look. Then had to go back and read the other thread!

I'm amazed at how far you've come, Spook. And you taking control of your life is absolutely the best thing for you. When your dh left, it was his decision and he was in control of what happened. Your understandable continued desire for him to come back has enabled him to retain control of the whole situation. If he did come back, it would probably only be because it meant he could continue to control the situation. He clearly doesn't like the fact that you are beginning to take control. So you do need to be very wary of any concessions he appears to make now. He has been very nasty and malicious in the past and he isn't necessarily a different person now.

Don't be swayed by his protestations that moving to London wouldn't be in the best interests of your boys. Anyone can see how much you adore them and anything you do in the future would only be with their best interests at heart. If he doesn't think a move is best for them, it is because he is gradually losing control over you and them.

With regard to the house, do you have the £100K to do it up now? If not, get 3 valuations of the house, take the middle one as its value and use that to organise a financial settlement. If he can raise the money to pay you whatever the courts deem to be your fair share (which will be more than half because your needs are greater because of the boys' needs), then fine. If not, then the house should be sold as soon as possible to provide the funds you will need. I would start pushing your solicitor to get things moving on the financial front. Your divorce is separate from the financial proceedings, so you could get your decree nisi fairly quickly, but you will not apply for a decree absolute until you have your finances sorted.

I'm almost as excited as you are about your new future .

Hi everyone. This is what happened yesterday and it really threw me coz I was feeling great and really thought it was starting to dawn on him what he was losing. When he picked the boys up on Friday night he was really nice-told me how good I was looking 3 times!! I told him the boys had had a very unsettled week and I thought it was probably a good idea for him not to stay in the house again if I was away. He just stood looking at me really sadly like he had something to say but didn't quite know how. It was obvious I was happy, I was going out that night and really looking forward to it...even jested him about what he was doing on the Saturday night and how I love to see him squirm when he lies to me (all very good humouredly I promise!!)
So Sat morning I'm feeling really good. He brings the boys back and his mood was entirely different. Grumpy and belligerent. I had asked him last week if he would get me a digital camera at the airport (we had 3 cameras and he has them all) Its DS2's birthday on Weds and I don't even have a pic of him in his school uniform.
He was reasonably pleasant but we got on to the subject of DS1 and how he's not very happy at school. He decides it's my fault. All his frinds know he's moving away and therefore have given up on him. If I would stop "banging on" about London then my children would be much happier.
There were some Fulham house details on the kitchen table and he was obviously furious. I was calm and said OK if you think that-but I didn't call to be spoken to like this. So he said "yeah you just want to know where your camera is"
I know-sorry long and dull but I just can't understand his lashing out at me and I want to understand it.

It's obvious to me (from the outside) why he's lashing out. He sees everything slipping away from him and out of his control. He'd spent a year juggling his affair and your lives, which takes a lot of organisation. He's obviously used to calling the shots. You're now showing him that, however much he calls, you are answering to a different voice. And he doesn't like it, so, like all cowards and weak men, he takes it out on you.

I think he was being nice because he thought he had you where he wanted you. As soon as the subject of London came up again he got angry because you are doing what you want instead of what he told you to do. It sounds like you handled it brilliantly. He has to understand that you are not a puppet to do his bidding.

Sorry, posts crossed there, but it looks like Freckle and I are saying the same thing.

But why is he looking at me all forlorn one minute and telling me how great I look to being downright bloody nasty the next?? We have agreed to spend alot of Weds together for DS2's birthday and now I really don't want to. And why the fuck are his timberlands in my porch his coat on my hook and his toothbrush in my bathroom? Just a man thing-not even thinking about it, or something more mysterious??Just a selfish bloody man thing I guess.
And why am I expending energy on even trying to work his pathetic head out??? Because I love him I suppose.

Oh and Essbee. Thanks for posting when you're having a rough day. Chin up darling

The Timberlands and the coat and the toothbrush are all accessies for that feeling of control.

But doesn't this all mean that he can't let go? He's just not ready or prepared for the inevitability of the house sale and the divorce and losing us for good?

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He's leaving his mark on the house just in case this super new you brings home a super new bloke! Put all his things in a black bin liner and hand them to him next time you see him saying "Oh you forgot these. I thought you might need them."

And yes, I suspect he is a little reluctant to see all of his old life receding out of his reach, but that doesn't necessarily mean that he wants it back. Even when you move on to something new with eager anticipation, it doesn't mean that you don't feel a little sad at what you are leaving behind.

Personally I think he wanted to leave home and do whatever he wanted but for you to stay there so that he can play happy families for one or two afternoons a week or whatever. And he may have thought it was a good backhand if his new life doesn't work out as planned.

Notice how he said he wanted to collect boys from school every day etc...only after you had told him to planned to move away. Every time he flares up it's when you make noises about moving away. He wants you to be there for his visits, one little compartment of his life exactly arranged as he wants it without any reference to your wishes and needs.

He is evidently used to getting his own way by using bullying tactics and must be quite puzzled as to why it isn't working.

Fuck fuck fuck. My baby is 5 today!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY DS2. And "he" came over to open presents this morning. The cool,calm,collected me went out the window. I didn't cry or beg or even get particularly upset. Just dragged the whole thing up again-it could work,how can he just walk away from everything,he has got a beautiful family that loves him very much...same old crap really. Nothing goes in. He has thought about it-it could never work,can't turn the clock back etc etc. Left me feeling like a washed out dishcloth again. I asked DS2 what he really wanted for his birhtday last night (hoping for the answer to be gameboy which he got!!) His answer??? Daddy to come home forever. The boys wouldn't even pull the wishbone on the chicken the other day-they said they know wishes never come true

Spook, i still have moments of weakness when i ask him how he could do it. Now i think he knows what he has done, and i don't need to keep telling him, he will only realise himself, no matter what i say. I also know the more i go on the more he can justify it as he makes out i am needy etc.
As for wishes, my boys wishes weren't coming true either, now they have just found new ones, and i promise you they are very happy these days.
Sorry you are still feeling this and i hope you enjoy his b day as much as you can

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I think it is very difficult for the one left behind to understand how the other party can just walk away. Men's brains are very different from women's and I think they have this capacity to compartmentalise and switch off. He has clearly moved on and you haven't. Your perspectives are therefore totally different.

You need to find a way to move on. The move to London sounds like the best way forward for you as you are clearly not going to be able to put this behind you when there is the possibility of seeing him regularly (and therefore, in your mind, the possibility of getting him to see what he has thrown away).

Children are very resilient and I'm sure your boys will find other dreams and wishes - ones which you will fight like b&ggery to ensure come true.

Happy birthday ds2!!!

So sorry these occasions do drag your emotions out into the open again. Your dss' dreams will come true, because you will make them come true for them in as many ways as humanly possible.

Get that move in motion...I need you down here! All my girlfriends are remarkably sober types and I don't have a babysitter any more to drag my dh out to the pub. I need a drinking buddy! All my London drinking buddies are 50 year old men (my quiz anorak friends) and while I love them I can't go out and moan about my family while they ponder in which year the mini was first manufactured or what is the chief seaport of Chile!

Get yourself down here and we'll replace those s with lots of s!

Happy birthday ds2!!!

So sorry these occasions do drag your emotions out into the open again. Your dss' dreams will come true, because you will make them come true for them in as many ways as humanly possible.

Get that move in motion...I need you down here! All my girlfriends are remarkably sober types and I don't have a babysitter any more to drag my dh out to the pub. I need a drinking buddy! All my London drinking buddies are 50 year old men (my quiz anorak friends) and while I love them I can't go out and moan about my family while they ponder in which year the mini was first manufactured or what is the chief seaport of Chile!

Get yourself down here and we'll replace those s with lots of s!

Happy Birthday to your ds2 Spook. Hope there's lots of and not too many . For both of you. Lots of love, Ponygirl.

Sorry about double post. My screen was telling me the website was down.