Spook's wonderful new life

[anorak]

Time for a change of title, I think. You have stopped moving away from sadness and are now moving towards happiness and a new life, spook!

More ups than downs now . What's the latest?

Hi everyone. Thanks for your posts yesterday. My darling DS enjoyed his birthday I think. Though he ran out of school at 3 o clock and the first thing he said was "IS daddy still here?" Well daddy came back and we went out for a pizza. It was like something from a bloody Mike Leigh film. The boys were both grumpy and hungry and fighting over gameboys. He started on me within about 10 mini=utes sat down. I was holding back the tears and had to go to the back of the restaurant for a cigarette. We got home and it just got worse.
Boys were so excited and just wanted daddy to play with all their new toys. Suddenly daddy obviously switched off from family life. Decided he was "tired" We tried to get boys to bed but DS2 could obviously sesnse that daddy was on his way out the door and just went mad. Screaming and screaming. Anyway to cut a long story short he left me and DS2 in pieces and just went off back to his real life-whatever the fuck that is. I had the audacity to ask him just before he left what it was I needed to do in order to get that For Sale sign up at the end of the drive and he lost it. All I wanted was "decorator,gutters and gardener" But no. He was "TOO TIRED" to talk about this now. Why was I dragging it all up blah blah bloody blah. In the restaurant HE asked me something about Ibiza and I mentioned it going on the market. He put his head in his hands and said he couldn't take all this. S I gently put my hand out to him and said "I don't want any of this either honey,but you've brought it on yurself" To which he lashed out at me and yelled couldn't we have an evening without me bringing all that up AGAIN!!!!
Ranting I know girls but last night I was so so upset. So, about an hour after he'd gone I get this text..."OK-decorator,builder,gardener and house goes on market. Ibiza valued and on market. It's all crap and I'm done in.." !!!!!
He's fucking done in. Meanwhile I'm sat there at 9.30 trying to settle his inconsolable children AGAIN.
Then I get-"isn't this what you want?? I'm in bits. I'm sorry..." Same old crap.
AND...there's more! Sorry girls. After all his fucking solicitors letters about access to the boys. I asked him if he could have them on Sat night so I could get ready for DS2's party on Sunday..No he has a gig. I asked him when he was coming to Ibiza at half-term. I have turned people down because I said he was coming out. "Oh I'm in Japan at half-term"!!!!!! He hadn't even volunteered the fucking information. Ggggrrrr.
Ok rant over.

Spook, I haven't contributed much to your threads but I just wanted to say well done, you've come such a long way. Freckle et al are right about him - he's trying to regain control. Keep going, you're doing great. He lost his right to decide how/where you live etc when he walked out.

Oh thanks WWW. It's kind of you to post. Yesterday was never going to be easy. As it turned out it was gut-wrenching. He can't dip in and out of family life when he chooses. At least it's made me come to a decision about Christmas. My problem now is that he managed to dent my confidence totally about London. He's right. How the fuck can I afford to live in London. Schooling,housing,living.And starting a business. What happens if it fails. What do I do then. As Beccarollover quite rightly said yesterday - you have to go into business with the possibility that it might not work. I can't afford that luxury. I am so confused and so frightened. I just don't know what to do or where to go. He reckons I'll come out of the divorce with about 300-350 K. Not really enough to set up a new life in London. I mean who the hell would give me a mortgage that I can't afford to pay anyway??

I don't know much about legal things or selling houses - but it sounds to me as though him saying that you might come out of the divorce with 300-359K is just his way of trying to scare you into not going.

From what you have told us your house is worth it may be true that you get a lot more than that. I would ask your lawyer just to check. Your x2B seems to be doing everything he can to try and regain control now that he sees everything might be slipping away.

It sounds like he behaved appallingly at your DS 2's b'day - what an idiot. If he can do that when his kids are around, especially when it's one of their b'days then he does not deserve to be able to spend time with them as and when he chooses. Get away from him and down to London as soon as you can. Do you have other options for working or is starting up a business your only choice?

Your ex2B lost any rights to decide what you do or don't do the day he walked out. Now because he sees that you are determined to go, he is scared and so is behaving childishly to try and scare you into not going

I can't pretend to understand what you are going through, but I would say get to London as fast as possible. If you don't then I can't help thinking that you would spend the rest of your life wondering "What if.....?" I know that probably sounds cliched, but I'm a firm believer in taking risks every now and again.

You are such a strong person that I'm positive you will land on your feet if you go to London. Moving away will be hard I'm sure, but I think it might help your healing process in the long run - after all,he won't be able to drop in and out of your life as he pleases, nor will he be able to control anything you do.

Please please please do what is best for you and your lovely boys. Sod him, don't even give a moment's consideration to his feelings. You are so strong Spook and you HAVE come such a long way

Phew, sorry bit long

Spook, I don't want to hear any of that defeatist talk! I tell you this, your business and your new life will not succeed if you don't ever give it a try.

I was dumped with two children smaller than yours and thousands in debt (for him of course). I had no home and no financial contribution from him. I had to make my new business work.

Within 3 years I had bought a house which on today's market is worth about 900K. I had to get one of those mortgages where you don't prove your earnings. Then I bloody well HAD to make it work. I lived there for 3 years, did it all up with the help of dh who I met while living there, and sold it for double what I paid for it.

Over the course of the 5 years where I brought up my daughters alone I went through all sorts, lived in a squalid rented house for 3 years, for months did two jobs and survived on 4 hours sleep a night. For a while I worked all night in a City bank cleaning toilets just to get some extra money I needed. Friends and family helped me all they could. You do what you have to do for your kids. When I sold my house I was debt free at last and had a big deposit to put on the home I have now.

Spook, you won't have to do any of those things. You will have money to get you started. You are going to have a beautiful shop and a beautiful new life in London. Why wouldn't it succeed? There is NOTHING a determined woman cannot do.

And why will you only get 350K if your house is worth a million and you have the house in Ibiza to sell too? Do you have mortgages? What about insurance policies and other investments? And surely there will be child support coming from h as well.

I have to say that I think he behaved like a complete arse yesterday and I wouldn't waste another minute trying to figure it out. He is still sore because you don't plan to follow his master plan for your life - all conveniently arranged around him like pawns.

Just a hug from me honey - I find it really hard to read this thread when your having a bad day its so very frustrating that I cant really help and make you happier - all I can do is prattle on and hope some of it comforts and be there with a hug when you need it.

xxxxxxx x a million

Just got back from the beach. It's a beautiful day here today. Hi Becca darling. Hope last night was a success? He has called me this morning. I really don't know why coz he's still spewing his bile. And I brought up his sleeping with my friend for the first time!1 I said "All I have done the last 8 months is love you an ask you to come home. After everything you've thrown at me-you slept with someone when I was 6 months pregnant with our first child ffs and I STILL am willing to forgive and forget" Well-it completely floored him!! There's nothing I can say to that..but he's still banging on about London.
Thanks for all your posts. I KNOW I can do it but mobey will be such a worry. Does anyone know the average school fees in London? He keeps ramming it down my throat that they're 3 times what we pay here (12 grand a year for 2) and there's no way I could afford them. He's right if that's the case!
Sarahu-thanks for your support honey but I really don't feel very strong at this moment.
Anorak-what you did and went through is a beacon to us all but I just don't think I've got your spirit

Mate, you channel that energy you've been putting into your h into your future instead and you will have enough spirit!

Take no notice of his talk. He is trying to demoralise you into forfeiting your dreams to make his life easier. That's a cruel thing to do, on top of everything else.

Ignore his opinions and get some facts. Then do your sums and see what you can afford. If you can't afford Fulham, live in Chiswick. Ring the schools concerned and ask for their prospectus. You are perfectly capable of doing a bit of maths without h's divine intervention!

Oooohhh Spook he has finally realised what a complete tosser he has been - he realises that you are not going to be sitting their pining for him and massaging his ego forever and you are a super beautiful strong woman who is in charge of your life and is staring to learn to get things done and move on and find happiness.

school fees sound about the same, spook. £2500ish per term at primary level. they are remarkably consistent country-wide actually. maybe a few hundred pounds a term more, but not 3x!

I agree, do a bit of research, on everything. get onto the web and see how much a house of the size you need costs in fulham, chiswick, barnes. make three phone calls to see how much school fees are in the sort of schools you need. Get a solicitor to go through your assets and give you a ball park spread of how much money/financial support you might get (and use the top end when talking to him!). get armed with facts so that when he spouts rubbish at you, you can say "no, that isn't right, THIS is right"... and so that you can be confident that when he tries to pull the wool over your eyes you know it is happening!
haven't posted before spook but I've been following your threads and I think you are very strong. Much stronger than he gives you credit for or would like you to be - don't look at yourself through his eyes, look at yourself through your own and the relatively objective eyes of other mumsnetters and don't let him bash down the self confidence that that will inevitably give you!
best of luck

Don't let him intimidate you into giving up your dream. He wants his Barbie doll and his family whenever he decides - well, he can't. Keep thinking about what is best for you. Whenever he talks about money, just tell him that it's up to the solicitors now and you won't get involved in pointless discussions with him. How can he (or you) possibly know what you can and can't afford after the settlement until the settlement has been decided? Keep strong, Spook. You are doing really well.

Spook he's winding you up - look at link for details of fees at Hill House!

£1,963 - £2,318 per term although the school quotes them on a quarterly basis.

Doesn't sound any different to what you are paying currently!

You sound much stronger - don't take any crap from him girl

good schools guide - Hill House fees

Thanks Soapbox. That is SO SO useful. I have so much to think about. DS2's party on Sunday,getting this house on the market,re-locating. At least now I have it in black and white that it's no more. I really appreciate it

Gggrrr. I really need to let off a bit of steam. Fucking bastard. Yesterday-my DS's birthday party. I worked my butt off. He wouldn't have boys on Saturday night so I asked him to get them Sun morn at 10 to give me a few hours to get ready for the party. I was very excited-I love to see my boys happy and by the time he arrived the bouncy castle was already up. I put my arms round him and said-"I'm so excited. I was genuinly feeling happy" He threw me off and laid into me about what a shit day this was for him. He was dropping his children off and not seeing them at their party. he was really nasty.I pointed out 9again0 that it was his choice and he just yelled at me "yeah yeah-here we go again"
When he brought them back he seemed calmer. I apologised if he thought I was being insensitive etc (I know-pathetic) He didn't seem like he wanted to leave and literally drove down the drive as the first paople were arriving. So-this is the miserable man who has to leave his children.
He texts at 8 o clock last night. How was party? So DS! calls him.
To cut a long story short-he was texting whilst he had nipped out to pick up his chinese takeaway. My son was giving me a running commentary and basically the food cost 24 pounds. That's quite alot of chinese takeaway! DS2 wouldn't speak to him and I took the phone and asked him if he was hungry? He laughed!!!!and said yeah.
So-this father of the fucking year-and now I have had an e-mail with his demands to see his boys this week. I had speciafically asked him to have them tomorrow night. Not a mention of it.
He is FUCKING USELESS AND A TWAT.
There-I think I have let off a little steam

That post didn't make much sense did it? Sorry. What I was trying to say is that he was with evil fucking barbie bitch last night and on Saturday. The doting father-whenever he's with her all the texts and calls to his children dry up.

Er Spoook he can't make demands - you either do this between you and he listens to when is convienient for you or you tell him when he can see them - you have a life too and if he doesn't understand that and fit in with you he can stick it!!

Tell him that he can shove his demands and that he is a selfish pig who puts his girlfriend before his own children. You are still being way too accommodating and you should not apologize for his moods. Be straight with him and tell him it is tomorrow as pre-arranged or not at all as you are not going to bend around his social life for his convenience. He really is being a rotten father by doing what he is doing - no wonder your little boy didn't want to speak to him. I feel very angry for you spook. xx

My gorgeous Life Coach Beccarollover has organised a skip for me-coming tomorrow. Lets get rid of this shit around me. Electrician coming Thurs morning,message left with decorator. Hopefully this house will be on the market as quick as you like. When he see's that For Sale sign up it is really going to shit him. GOOD.

lol, sobernow! er - funckwit? furckwit?

I think getting a skip is a great move, spook - deeply symbolic. Clear those decks, girl!

Whoops-have just sent this mail to him. Am very jippy today. Think I need to up my dosage.

No-Weds are no good. That is the night they have people for tea or go to peoples houses. Monday will be best. I was not using Joe as some sort of spy. I would never do that. Do you really think Joe doesn't know EXACTLY what you have done? I'm so sorry you had a hard afternoon yesterday.You certainly made up for it last night didn't you. Who was here to comfort me whilst I was clearing up. You could do it. Yes ofcourse you could do it Keith. You feel shit and guilty because you are now a tiny part of your childrens lives and you take it out on me. Yesterday was a case in point. You could no more do it than I could. You're guilty and would rather be with your katsuit and I am raw and hurting and dreading you walking out on us.
What was not a good idea after last night. You obviously were too busy to call your boys this morning. When have I ever answered the phone to you in the mornings. Joe always does it.
And what doe "one-eyed" mean. You've got both your eyes shut and you have had for a very very long time. You get your pleasure whilst you can.
We are not progressing in any way shape or form and never will. As long as you are not a part of this family as a husband and dad that is involved in his childrens upbringing on a day to day basis instead of cinema trips and coca-cola, as long as you waste away your life with your so-called love affair we will never progress.
Divorce,new life,new family,new future for me. For you-fuck knows. You and Katsuit Kat swanning off into the future of chinese takeaways and sordid secrets nearly 2 years on. What a lovely way to live.
Rest easy. I'm sure you both did last night.

I've been following all your threads and I just wanted to give you my support. You really have moved on and now you are at this cross roads, its just going to take one more push and then you'll be free.

Its so hard when he riles you so much - he's winding you up and he's getting a reaction all the time.. I think you have to treat him like a nasty addiction and try going cold turkey for a while - don't respond or just be cold and business like when you do. Its so hard when your heart is screaming one thing to stop your mouth doing the same, but a strong silence will probably save you more heartache and get you further. Sorry I really don't want to sound like I'm trying to teach you to suck eggs - you know all this stuff and you are doing so well.

Just get that FOR SALE sign up and promise that you won't tell any potential buyers why you are selling - people get a bit weird when they hear unhappy marriage. (plus they have a better bargaining point).

Thinking of you and I'm another London gang member waiting for you to arrive.....

Oh Beachyhead.Thanks.I'm bloody crying again.

I'm sorry - I didn't want to make you cry. Go and shout at aeroplanes or run hard up a hill. We'll see you when you get here (and you haven't far to go now......)