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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Spook's wonderful new life

256 replies

anorak · 03/10/2004 10:20

Time for a change of title, I think. You have stopped moving away from sadness and are now moving towards happiness and a new life, spook!

More ups than downs now . What's the latest?

OP posts:
Original poster
anorak · 13/10/2004 16:35

I've only just caught up with this spook. I totally agree with what beachyhead said.

I hope you are feeling better now. Did DS enjoy his party? How are you getting on with the skip?

OP posts:
JuniperDewdrop · 13/10/2004 16:45

Sorry to hear you're upset spook I hope you can manage to go cold turkey as beachyhead said. take care hun xx

beachyhead · 13/10/2004 16:47

I hope the skip was fun, but it must have been draining too. But it was one more big step. How are you feeling today?

spook · 13/10/2004 17:05

Hi girls. Today I'm sad. Becca helped me yesterday and was an absolute star but I've got another bigger skip today as we filled the other one in no time, and it is really killing me. I keep finding happy family photos and reams of love letters and cards. (we were both great card senders) And he just doesn't appreciate how hard it is. He's being his usual charming self.He had the boys last night and I slept till twenty to eleven this morning!!!! Thats 4 hours longer than normal and the longest I've slept for a year. It has left me feeling really woozy! I just can't seem to shake this jet-lagged feeling. I'm not complaining that I slept-no way-but I do feel very very weird today!

Original poster
anorak · 13/10/2004 17:22

It's all part of the grieving process. Don't forget you are still on the road to happiness, and you have a little further to travel yet. But as I said to you once before, you are much nearer the end of that journey than the beginning.

Don't be surprised at how much you sleep. Grief is tiring. You're doing a good thing at the moment, and when it's finished you will feel the load lighten, I'm sure.

OP posts:
jollymum · 13/10/2004 17:59

Spook-HTH. I was in the same position as you 14 years ago. My ex cheated on me with my best friend and it had been going on for 18 months. I was pregnant and crying to her that my ex didn't love me any more, wouldn't touch me and did she think he was seeing anyone else. The ....told me that he loved me and would never go off with anyone else! Cutting a long story short, I did loads of crazy things including trying an OD and running away with our baby, aged 12 weeks. Thought I'd never, ever trust men again. 3 months later (yes, you can call me a floozy!) had a one night stand with an old friend, shoulder to cry on etc and we are still together. 3 more kids and 15 years later. Life goes on, you are not to blame for anything, don't even go there. You sound like a great mum. I know it's really hard not to slag him and her off in front of the kids, but try not to. One day he'll make a mistake and they will know. My son and his dad get on great and of course, I still have a tiny feeling for him. He's my first born's daddy but SHE, well....my son can't stand her, hates her breath! I didn't slag her off, just waited until she showed her true colours and believe me, children are wise, they know. Be strong for them, take each minute at a time and when you cry, think of it this way. I did and it helped. Imagine that your body has a sort of crying limit, like a watering can. Each day those tears and that water level will go down. Sometimes you might fill it up a little, you can't help that but one day you will be empty of tears. You never know, around the corner may be a massive dose of sunshine, a wonderful friend/man who will dry those tears up for you and you won't help but smiling. Count each friend you have, real or on here and take a teardrop away. That level will go down every day!XXXXXXXXXX

spook · 13/10/2004 21:46

Oh Jollymum. What a fab post.Thankyou so much.
{{{{{anorak}}}}}}}

sykes · 13/10/2004 22:32

Spook, lots of luck. XXXX

moomina · 13/10/2004 22:45

Spook, so sorry the last few days have been so shit for you. He is beneath contempt, really (I know that's not easy for you to hear). All of this (as everone else has said already) is because he thought it was all going to play his way and now he's getting nasty because it's becoming abundantly clear that you still have a life to lead and you're damn well going to lead it.

Your lovely new life will happen and it will be fabulous - in the end. None of us are going to kid you that it will be easy. But you have soooo much support and, honestly, I know it sounds funny to say these things to someone I've never met but I feel so strongly that you deserve great things and you will get them. Your strength and love really does shine through even in the posts where you tell us you're falling apart. We know you can do it. xx

WideWebWitch · 13/10/2004 22:48

Spook, not read all the latest but just wanted to say sorry you've been low and he is indeed a fuckwit, as sobernow says (well, might well have said!).

JuniperDewdrop · 14/10/2004 09:59

That's a beautiful post jollymum, very inspiring.

How are you today spook?

spook · 14/10/2004 10:32

Moominmama.Thanks for such lovely words that I'm not sure I deserve. Hi WWW-yes he is a funckwit!
Hi Juniper. I'm OK today thanks.Still plodding ahead with my skip. I'm trying to avoid looking at too many memories.What is th epoint.He doesn't give his former life a second thought,but then he doesn't have to trawl through it all and live in the midst of it.
I am really trying to get through today without any contact with him whatsoever. I need him and his nasty self-obsession off my radar!
Thanks for checking in girls XXXXXX

Original poster
anorak · 14/10/2004 11:06

Go spook! Have a better day.

OP posts:
spook · 15/10/2004 19:29

Hi everyone. I am feeling a bit srange about posting tonight. The last few days I have been reading alot of threads and know that there are peole on here who need help and support so much more than me. Oh no-not Spook again..10 months down the line. But! i just have to get this off my chest.
DH came to pick the boys up tonight. As you may or may not know I have had a skip (or two!) here this week.Unloading a lot of baggabe/past life. Very upsetting.Keep finding photos and cards and just sobbing. But very healthy and cleansing too I think. And I've had the fantastic strength and support of Beccarollover.
This week I have filled 2 skips,scrubbed the house from top to bottom,had an electrician in to fix all the dodgy lights,unblocked the shower(which has been blocked for nearly a year) done a HUGE shop,got the house ready for 5 guests,organised a decorator and packed up all the CD's. Now bearing in mind DH is in the music biz there must have been well over a thousand-I kid you not.And alot of those were out of their cases.
So,he comes in the house and says-"What the hell are you doing??" I said packing up the house.It should be on the market within 2 weeks. Jesus-you should have seen his face!!! I have NEVER seen anyone floundering like he did ever. He bumbled that I can't just sell it,we've got alot more talking to do,is it absolutely neccesary to pack everything up NOW???
erm well actually yes it is. He has had every opurtunity since he left on March 6th to get his stuff.But no. He has chosen to leave his whole life here. He hasn't changed his address on anything. I open his bank statements all the time.
And DS2 found a photo today of DH stood infront of our front door with a big sign and balloons "Welcome Home Spook and DS1" from when we came home from the hospital after DS1 was born. He was clutching it and said to DH" I want to t ns oa't chest

spook · 15/10/2004 19:31

Oh God-computer hell!! Anyway-he said "I want to show it to Katherine" DH's bimbo. How must that have made him feel. Anyway. Don't reply girls. I very much doubt you've made it to here. Just had to get this one off my chest!!!

unicorn · 15/10/2004 19:35

Spook, haven't contributed before, as so many people can say things so much better... but...
Wow girl... you're on your way!!!!!

You should be SO pleased with yourself to have achieved all that... and I don't know about His Lordship, but by God is he p*ssed off to see you getting so sorted.

Revenge is sweet!

JanH · 15/10/2004 19:39

I did wonder how he'd take the skips, spook! Please don't worry about still being here with your story - we are right behind you, you have been through so much and are doing so well (and I still can't believe he would leave a girl like you for a girl like that) and we will be here until the rest of your life starts (and afterwards )

So what happened after the floundering around and the photo? What else did he say?

moomina · 15/10/2004 19:41

Course we're going to reply (although quickly cos my fish'n'chips is on its way )

Spook, never feel bad about asking for help or a shoulder to cry on. Isn't that what we're here for? Yes, everyone has their problems, and yes, maybe in the big scheme of things some people's might be considered 'worse' than yours but for heaven's sake, girl, do you think we'd waste 3 huge threads on someone who didn't deserve it?? Everyone approaches these things differently, and IMO you're doing the healthiest thing anyway - talking to us, ranting at us, getting it all off your chest at us.

You are SO on your way! Cleaning up the house will make a big difference - getting rid of the baggage in more ways than one.

Gotta go, chips and booze are here! Much love xx

sobernow · 15/10/2004 19:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

spook · 15/10/2004 20:49

Hi girls and THANKYOU for posting. Well JanH he took the photo off the top of the boys overnight bag and said "Here you keep that" So I said "No you keep it. Just one reminder of everything that once was.You have turned your back on everythng else" He commented that the boys would always remind him but I pointed out that that was bollocks and slammed the door in his face.Oh dear. Hardly the cool calm image I am supposed to be portraying. I was just absolutely gobsmacked that after a week like I've had he would walk in with a face like a slapped arse and start bitching at me for packing up HIS BELONGINGS!!!
Gggrrr.
Unicorn,janH,Sobernow thankyou for your support. And you Moominmama and enjoy your fish and chips. What a lush Friday night supper that is!!!

coppertop · 15/10/2004 21:34

I don't post on your threads very often because I could never match the fantastic advice that everyone else here has been giving you, Spook. I just wanted to say that you've come so far over the months and I don't think that anyone is tired of following your story as you continue your journey. xxx

spook · 15/10/2004 22:10

Thanks Coppertop. What a nice thing to say

sobernow · 15/10/2004 22:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Freckle · 15/10/2004 22:24

Spook, you are doing so well. It is such a cathartic process getting rid of his stuff, rather than hanging on to them in the hope that these "things" will eventually bring him back to you. If his children won't do that, a few possessions obviously won't. However, his reaction to your getting rid of them proves that he felt so sure of you that he was at no risk in leaving his possessions where he could collect them when he felt like it.

I'm sure your actions have given him a huge boot up the backside, which he thoroughly deserves. Just don't let any reaction on his part deflect you from your chosen path now. He is very shaken by your positive actions and will now start to try to undermine your self-confidence. Don't let him.

numb · 15/10/2004 23:25

spook i never get fed up of reading your latest, your story has been so similar to mine, and i feel for you. I come onto mumsnet and check to see how you are doing every day and i always hope that you are feeling better. Its hell i know.

BIG HUGS XX

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