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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Spook's wonderful new life

256 replies

anorak · 03/10/2004 10:20

Time for a change of title, I think. You have stopped moving away from sadness and are now moving towards happiness and a new life, spook!

More ups than downs now . What's the latest?

OP posts:
sykes · 19/10/2004 22:14

Spook, I know so much how you feel. I really want to talk to you about it at some point, if it would help. You know what's happening with my h and me, I think??? That sounds so stupid, but hope you know I sort of understand and what's going on with me may/may not help.

spook · 19/10/2004 22:22

Oh Sykes. Thankyou honey. You are my one hope that it's not all hopeless. JanH-don't look so shocked!!! You know I still love him and would have him home in an instant. I just can't turn my feelings off. God I wish I could.

Original poster
anorak · 19/10/2004 22:23

Spook, changing the locks will not be the deciding factor about whether he comes back or not. You know that really. But as you say, you could let it go just for a quiet life. If I were you I would worry about his coming in when I was out and snooping, taking stuff or even trying to sabotage my plans. But if you think he can be trusted, even though you are officially opponents now...

OP posts:
spook · 19/10/2004 22:24

News flash. Text just come in...!!!
"Good night. Boys are great.I didn't mean to be arsey about the keys,it just freaked me out a bit.Anyway I've put them in the side pocket of the boys bag" !!!!

JanH · 19/10/2004 22:24

Sorry, spook. I know you would. And if he could put All That behind him, permanently, I would wish for you that it would happen...

Original poster
anorak · 19/10/2004 22:24
  • at last, a bit of reason kicking in!
OP posts:
spook · 19/10/2004 22:25

Hi ANorak. Posts crossed honey. I really don't think he would come in snooping. I actually don't think he cares enough. Anyway-it appears I won this one

spook · 19/10/2004 22:26

JanH-don't apologise! I'm the fuckwit here!

sykes · 19/10/2004 22:30

Spook, hope you're okay. The one thing I know and everyone may shout me down, and probably justifiably so, is I never wanted to give up. But Id did, and it was only when I did and I met soemone else and had a life and got much stronger, more like the person I was that my h wanted me back. He never knew there was anyone else around, until he left his gf. The point was, I think, it wasn't about having a new partner, but I'd started my new life. He wasn't a partner really - just a good three/four month fling, but I felt more confident and had moved on so much after a year, actually more than a year. Things change, but I'd realised he wasn't coming back, met someone, got back to being me etc. Sure that doesn't make much sense. Hope you get my drift ...

spook · 19/10/2004 22:33

I really do get your drift Sykes. And you know what. I really do feel like I'm nerly there. For all my "oh woe is me..I want him back" bollocks, I have definately realised that I may want him back but I certainly don't need him back. And it dawns on me more and more with every passing day that he is the sad bastard. For all his chinese takeouts and cosy evenings in,he is STILL living a lie and is without a doubt going to be very very unhappy any day now. Well maybe any year now! Was that something you realised too? that you were infact the better off than the two of you? (you had the dd's after all)

sykes · 19/10/2004 22:42

Yes, I did, I also remember one awful w/end, coming back from staying with friends in Oxford and my elder dd was so HORRIBLe to him. My friends had made such a fuss of her, but she was the only one who didn't have daddy there - younger one wasn't really bothered. We came back and she hid in the garden from hm, wouldn't talk to him, so distraught. It broke my heart and his I think. But I thought, you chose this - you've done it to our wonderful daughter. Respect left that day. To see your children so hurt and certainlyu not hte first time but that day was so dreadful. I think I moved on from then - if you can do that then what kind of a person are you? I'm normally fairly balanced and just but it was awful.

spook · 19/10/2004 22:47

Thats funny coz I think my mindset definately changed last week on DS2's birthday. Any man that can walk out on his babies 5th birthday leaving him screaming on the stairs, and his wife in pieces in the kitchen to deal with the fall-out, will at some point get his come uppance. Karma!!

sykes · 19/10/2004 22:54

I do believe that, he will do, no way he won't. I saw a counsellor - just for me when he left - organised by my office, it helped. Have you thought about that? Do you think it might help? Also, every time I went to see my lawyer I took one of my best friends, that helps.

Freckle · 19/10/2004 22:57

Spook, you say you love him and would have him back in an instant, but, really, you don't. You love the man he used to be and you would have that man back in an instant. And he's not ever coming back because he doesn't exist anymore.

The man you fell in love with would never have done that to his child, would he? Because, if you'd thought that he could, you wouldn't have fallen in love with him.

Hard though it may be to hear, you may not lose the feeling of "I want him back no matter what" until you meet someone sooo much better and so much more worthy of you. And you will meet that person.

Oh, and don't give him the keys back later .

spook · 19/10/2004 23:02

I saw a counsellor for quite a few months Sykes but all she wanted to talk about was the fact that my mum left when I was little and I certainly didn't want the lid lifted on that can of worms!!
I know I really need to have a relationship Freckle and if one came along I certainly wouldn't fight it!! Oh, and don't worry. I won't give him the keys back

sykes · 19/10/2004 23:07

Spook, if you're in London and have a spare hour or so let's drink lots of pink champagene - my favourite. I'm in Surrey and you're more than welcome here to stay and drink even more but if youdon't have time, let's have a few cocktails somewhere/a bottle of pink.

essbee · 19/10/2004 23:08

Message withdrawn

beccarollover · 19/10/2004 23:09

essbee you still need to come up here remember

Original poster
anorak · 19/10/2004 23:12

no come and stay with me [fisticuff emoticon]

OP posts:
essbee · 19/10/2004 23:13

Message withdrawn

Original poster
anorak · 19/10/2004 23:13

I mean spook. You live here already essbee

OP posts:
Original poster
anorak · 19/10/2004 23:14

I need a bigger house.

OP posts:
Original poster
anorak · 19/10/2004 23:27

ooh have I killed the thread?

I was only teasing, essbee

OP posts:
spook · 20/10/2004 08:09

Hi girls. Sorry-I collapsed into bed last night in a vain attempt to forget briefly about my disastarous haircut. My God-you should see it this morning.WHAT A FRIGHT.
Anyway-thanks for ALL your help last night. You really really helped me. Sykes-you're on.It's pink fizz all the way for me too! Essbee & Anorak. You promised...get your arses up here in November!

sykes · 20/10/2004 11:16

God I hate the hairdressers. Have a wonderful time in Ibiza. Lots of luck.