I’m devastated

[BueenQee]

DP and I have split. We have a 10 month old son and I admit, things haven’t been good since DS was born. Although he is ok at parenting, he doesn’t pull his weight around the house, never cooks or does laundry, he’ll occasionally do the dishes, hoover or take the bins out but that’s as much input he puts in cleaning wise. Before DS, I didn’t mind doing the cooking and cleaning as I had the time to do it then. I also didn’t mind as much when I was on maternity leave as I was at home all day. But since going back to work we have been fighting constantly because of his lack of input. I feel a lot of resentment towards him because I feel like I’m doing everything and most nights it’s 9/10pm before I get to sit down, while he’s sitting watching tv or has left DS in his high chair while he plays his xbox and I do admit that I’ve got quite shouty at times as I feel like I’m talking to a brick wall when I ask him to do stuff.

He said today he loves me but part of loving me means he needs to let me go as the last few months have been filled with issues and he doesn’t see it getting any better. He said he thinks me being in a relationship isn’t good for my mental health as I get annoyed at him too easy and it’s never ending.

He’s went to his mums. I’m devastated.

He had the cheek to leave you? Let the man child stay with mummy where he will probably get everything done for him and you enjoy your child and spend some time for yourself.

Ah so he left his pseudo mum for his real mum. Being in a relationship with a lazy arse isn’t good for anyone’s mental health. I think this is for the best. You won’t see it now as you are hurting, but you will look back and be thankful it ended.

Wishing you strength

I’m so sorry. What a disappointment he must’ve been to you. He sounds awful, really lazy and selfish. Do you have friends around to support you through this?

Nice blaming it all on you
What a dick.

Twat. Good riddance. Loving you means letting you go?!!! No, loving you means being a team and working together! You’re seriously better off without him.

So he's lazy around the house but technically its your fault? So he's gone back to Mummy. At least you won't have to cook for him or clean up after him now.

He said he thinks me being in a relationship isn’t good for my mental health

What a cop out! What a little weasel. If he was that concerned about your mental health then he would have helped you with little tasks around the house instead of watching you get worked up and stressed over things he could have helped you with.

He's gone to mummy's so he can have his own precious time because yours clearly isn't precious.

Yes, I have a good support network. I’m also going to contact my works occupational health to see about speaking to a councillor

He’s done you a massive favour.

Now, please, right from the start, enforce that he has contact with your DS, for a decent amount of time and that he actually looks after him. You will worry that he won’t be good at looking after him - that’s very normal but if you get into a pattern now where he does an hour or an evening at a time you’ll end up a couple of years down the line where he never wants DS for any sustained period of time because they “don’t have a good relationship” and you’ll never get any break at all. Also INSIST on maintenance as SOON AS POSSIBLE. Don’t let him weasel out of his responsibilities by going home to mummy. He MUST pay a fair share and you will have to push for this. Don’t feel bad for him and let him off because in 18 years you’ll absolutely kick yourself. Make him do what he should be doing. Don’t give him “time to think”, get on it immediately. This is his choice, his mess, he needs to deal with the fallout.

He is having an affair and that his cop out. Your best rid

He might not be having an affair but he cant hack parenthood

He'll come back, if his mum had anything about her she'd tell him to

Question is though do you want him back ??

for you OP

He is having an affair and that his cop out

Why the fuck do people always say this? It might be true, though you don’t have a clue, but OP is already bloody miserable and you’re not helping her, you’re choosing to stick the boot in and add to her woes. It’s nasty, pointless and sadly very predictable.

Gaming versus a dc.
Your dc was never gonna win imo.He has gone home to dm for an easy life and more gaming.
And when he has ds guess who will be watching him while he continues to game?

I honestly don’t know what I want now. I knew things weren’t great but I didn’t expect this. All I wanted was for us to be a team. I feel so confused

He’s a man child, I had one. Called me lazy for expecting even basic help with ds. Leaving him was the best decision I have ever made

Oh so it’s YOUR fault and YOU can’t handle the relationship. What a CF. He has realised parenthood isn’t all it’s cracked up to be and can’t be arsed to do something to assist and if blaming you. Honestly, what a man child.

From what I can gather OP you're partly to blame. You did all the housework throughout the relationship then had a baby and expected him to take over. You've never had an equal partnership and thought he would simply pick up the slack. Did you even discuss any of this?

He's always seen the house as your job. He has from the start and instead of putting your foot down then, you just got on with it. You're now seeing him for what he is.

Women have fought for equality but what they've got is a 24/7 ball and chain because men are happy for them to do the housework and share the costs and the childcare. They haven't miraculously volunteered to share the burden and in your case, aren't willing to.

He doesn't want a 'nag' OP. He wants to work and play on his X box, like he always has. So he's gone back his mum. She'll do it for him instead.

He's gone back to his ma's so he can continue being the manchild he is. You will get over him and, eventually, feel relieved you're rid of the useless twat!

Will his mum tell him, hopefully she will, or did she do everything for him, no way for a man to behave

has left DS in his high chair while he plays his xbox

My parenting standards are low but that is shit.

What a weak man child. Hope his parents sort him out.

"My parenting standards are low but that is shit."

You're only supposed to put them in a high chair for mealtimes right? Not use it to restrain them for a long time while you play video games. That's pretty poor parenting. Perhaps OP is better off without him.

Let's see how he manages life on his own now.

Trust me you will be better without. Unfortunately a lot of people are like this. Lazy a**holes. They don't even feel guilty making you do everything whilst they have a nice break that's the most frustrating part.

So I contacted him today with this text:

I don’t know what you think of this idea, but I’ve ordered a calendar and I think we should fill it in with the days/overnights we’re going to have DS for the rest of the year and stick to it (unless there’s an emergency and either of us can’t) I know we’ve agreed a routine but the routine will change at times, for example, during school holidays when DS nursery is closed. I think if we do this, we both know exactly when we have him and it saves any arguments on weeks where the routine changes and it also keeps communication between us to an absolute minimum, preventing arguments. When I get it, I’ll fill it in and give it to you to look over/make any amendments then we can stick to it, are you ok with that?

I sent this because he is terrible at sticking to any sort of routine and I know if there isn’t something out in place ASAP, he will see DS when he picks and chooses.

This was his reply:

I can’t say it’s an idea I’m opposed to as such, I just maybe wouldn’t rush to fill it all in right now until the current arrangement has settled in and we are all happy with it.

I also don’t have a long term strategical desire to keep contact with you in future at a minimum. I obviously do love you, but this is a difficult period at the moment. Trying to get momentum with DS at nursery and me really trying to rebuild my reputation at work. I just don’t feel I can add to all that with me n you having arguments (particularly about silly shit) as well. As much as I am constantly lonely, there’s at least less stress for now but I really dunno what to do abt the future.

Eh what??!!!

He really must think I’m a total mug! Is he saying in this text that he might want to get back with me in future but he doesn’t know yet and expect me just to sit and wait on his decision??!!

This week has been such an eye opener for me and I feel strong enough to move on with my life now.

I replied with this:

I’m a bit confused by that. Me and you are over now and it’s going to stay that way.

I think we just need to put a plan in place, stick to it and move on with our lives, while keeping contact to a minimum as we just end up arguing. I just want something in place that we both stick to for DS sake.

His reply:

If that’s the way you feel, then fine.

Why does he need to rebuild his reputation at work??
He’s already umming and ahhing, get calendar sorted asap. I’m sorry you are dealing with this but it IS better to find out now how pathetic he is rather than waste any more time on him. As a previous person said, get maintenance sorted ASAP too. Also, don’t have him try and have contact with your DS at your house...I bet he will try that too.
You are strong and loving and you can do this. You also deserve much more and there are men out there who are not lazy gaming-besotted chumps.