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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I’m devastated

176 replies

BueenQee · 16/02/2020 21:27

DP and I have split. We have a 10 month old son and I admit, things haven’t been good since DS was born. Although he is ok at parenting, he doesn’t pull his weight around the house, never cooks or does laundry, he’ll occasionally do the dishes, hoover or take the bins out but that’s as much input he puts in cleaning wise. Before DS, I didn’t mind doing the cooking and cleaning as I had the time to do it then. I also didn’t mind as much when I was on maternity leave as I was at home all day. But since going back to work we have been fighting constantly because of his lack of input. I feel a lot of resentment towards him because I feel like I’m doing everything and most nights it’s 9/10pm before I get to sit down, while he’s sitting watching tv or has left DS in his high chair while he plays his xbox and I do admit that I’ve got quite shouty at times as I feel like I’m talking to a brick wall when I ask him to do stuff.

He said today he loves me but part of loving me means he needs to let me go as the last few months have been filled with issues and he doesn’t see it getting any better. He said he thinks me being in a relationship isn’t good for my mental health as I get annoyed at him too easy and it’s never ending.

He’s went to his mums. I’m devastated.

OP posts:
Original poster
BueenQee · 21/02/2020 15:53

I haven’t got a clue what he’s talking about re: work. He even went back to work 2 weeks early after I had DS. He had booked 4 weeks off and went back after 2, when I really needed him at home.

And he has already tried to have contact DS at mine!!

OP posts:
Sassypants82 · 21/02/2020 15:56

Good for you for not tolerating any of his bullshit. I think he is absolutely trying to leave a little gap in the door to come back when it suits him. I'd say he got some slap in the face when you set him straight.

Menora · 21/02/2020 15:57

He’s playing a silly game. He’s really tried to make this look like it’s all on you that you have changed since having a child (you have, you are now a mum) and he has realised being a dad means making sacrifices and he doesn’t want to

Glad you are sticking to your word. Don’t use any language with him that could be twisted like ‘I don’t know what you think...’ as this is inviting him to have an opinion - and he hasn’t earned that right yet.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 21/02/2020 15:59

"If thats the way you feel"- classic blame shifting. Now the break up was your choice even though he moved out.

Ignore

Do you have finances to sort out? Living arrangement?

Original poster
BueenQee · 21/02/2020 16:03

The house is mine. I own it, mortgage is in my name. He moved in as he was renting so it made sense. Only thing to sort is a routine for DS and maintenance.

OP posts:
pelirocco123 · 21/02/2020 16:03

A re write of the 'its not you its me'

Troels · 21/02/2020 16:03

I think your message brought home the fact he's going to have Ds on his own and have to step up and do some parenting.
Sounds like he wants to leave it all to you and maybe he'll pop by and see him once in blue moon if he isn't too busy.
Just organize your life for you and Ds I don't think you'll be pinning him down or getting any help. Get a claim in with CMS. How many overnights is he going to have? Chances are 0

Original poster
BueenQee · 21/02/2020 16:09

We agreed 2 overnights that fit in with our work/DS nursery routine. But the nursery is only opened during term time, so the routine will change when the nursery is closed. that’s why I want the calendar set up - so we can both arrange annual leave/plans/holidays around DS.

OP posts:
tiredanddangerous · 21/02/2020 16:09

Another man child who’s decided being father is too much like hard work. You are well rid op.

Lllot5 · 21/02/2020 16:09

I think the first bit of his message was reasonable, probably don’t have to fill in a years worth of dates immediately.
But I think you were right to make it clear that you have no intention of waiting around for him while he makes up his mind.

Menora · 21/02/2020 16:13

It’s not unreasonable to fill up a year of dates I have done this for over 10 years now and it’s same day same time same place unless a swap is required.

datasgingercatspot · 21/02/2020 16:16

He's an immature weasel. He's so entitled and thinks he's so fab he can just dip in and out of your and your son's life like he's doing you a favour. Believe me, you will be glad you two split so early on. You do not need a manchild like this in your life.

And if and when you choose to date again, dump any guy who doesn't behave like an adult and that includes cleaning, cooking and lifework. That is a red flag the size of Russia. Do not be happy to do it to enable a sexist pig.

I'd message him back (always good to do it in written form and keep all the messages): Yes, that's how I feel I also feel it would be more pleasant to come to arrangements regarding childcare, parenting and financially supporting our son in a civil and adult fashion, but if you prefer to formalise it via legal avenues please let me know so we can engage the appropriate professionals and arrange to pay half each for their services.'

Keep it civil, mature and simple with him. He's a silly little man.

Good on you for going back to work FT and for not playing his stupid games, he left, so you're finished.

Pumpkinpie1 · 21/02/2020 16:19

If he’s living with his mum rent free he should have lots of disposable cash to pay child support
All this texting is a bit childish to me
You both need to meet up face to face and make some decisions about your child future
Has him mum not shown any interest in her grandchild , is she concerned about not seeing him? Is she an ally or part of the problem?
I think the legalities need looking at both financially and in terms of childcare
It sounds as if you are much more maturer than him , did he really even want a child ?

HollowTalk · 21/02/2020 16:20

I had two reactions to this:

The house is mine. I own it, mortgage is in my name. He moved in as he was renting so it made sense.

One was "I knew it - I knew he wouldn't be responsible enough to have a mortgage" and the other was "Thank god for that."

I would send one last message, "It's not being in a relationship that's damaging my mental health, it's specifically living with you."

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 21/02/2020 16:20

You called his bluff nicely there! It sounds like he was expecting a holiday at Mummy's then you'd beg him to come back and he would graciously agree. He now has no fall-back option. Never mind, perhaps Mummy will sort that out for him too.

datasgingercatspot · 21/02/2020 16:21

He was honestly hoping to manipulate and chip you down into capitulating to him to allow him to swan back in and do FA. He honestly thought he could call the shots and leave and then leave the door open to come back in when it suits him. He has a really over-inflated ego on top of being an entitled manchild. His mother took him back? I'd have ripped my son a new head had he behaved like your ex-partner has. The fuck he'd be coming back to doss with me because being an adult and father was too stressful for his ickle self.

R2519 · 21/02/2020 16:21

@BueenQee. Not that it matters much but i wanted to say, from a guys perspective, your ex is a complete waste of space. I would never dream of treating my wife the way he has treated you. Such contempt and a lack of respect! I hate, and i mean hate, guys who think going to work and doing the dishes on occassion is pulling their weight. You are better off without him. Its a shame, of course for your DC, but they will know no different, but you are doing the right thing by saying you will never get back with him. He is a man child and should have grown up a long time ago.

Hold you head high, apply for maintenance from him, get the dates in the diary and know you life will be better not having to deal with his childish ways.

fuckoffImcounting · 21/02/2020 16:22

Well done OP. You life will be so much easier without this massive oxygen thief. He really is a cheeky arse, he probably got a shock when you told him what's what. He was hoping for a life where he did exactly what he liked and when you complained he ran back to mum - well fuck that mate.

MintyMabel · 21/02/2020 16:23

You being in that relationship was bad for your mental health.

Onwards and upwards. He did you a favour.

datasgingercatspot · 21/02/2020 16:25

You both need to meet up face to face and make some decisions about your child future

It's actually better to use messaging in heating situations to avoid arguments, keep to the point and not get off on tangents and have a record of communication in case you do require legal assistance. Especially with a victim-blaming, gaslighting twonk like this guy.

Straycatstrut · 21/02/2020 16:26

Yep mine didn't want to play dad and help around the house either. He also did a lot of other nasty stuff, and then left for a new life and let society come down hard on me. I need to do it all now. It is absolute crap that men like this don't come with a warning. I actually really respect the ones that are child free and say very confidently that they don't want children. Others may as well say "I'll give it a go but if it's not for me I'm out"

No divorce to sort out and you have a mortgaged house in your name, and a job though (unlike I had/have) you can take some comfort in this. Get CM set up.

Text him the dates of all the nursery holidays (I do this every time this with my ex and he ignores them) and give him the chance to have your son equally. Do everything by the book. If not send him invoices for private nurseries/childminders. He shouldn't be able to work FT, and you not or PT because you are looking after his son.

Don't let him come crawling back and hurt you again because it is MUCH harder to recover from the next time.

Queenoftheashes · 21/02/2020 16:32

Vile man. So he just split up with you so you would be relieved when he came back and not ask him to do any cleaning.

LongWayRound1980 · 21/02/2020 16:34

OMG Im furious on your behalf. He sounds like a lazy lying man-child. And how dare he blame YOUR mental health!! You will absolutely be better off without this guy, so definitely stay strong and dont allow him to take control of your life and decisions. Rough few months coming up I imagine, BUT by summer you will be breathing a sigh of relief, i guarantee it.

BumbleBeee69 · 21/02/2020 16:35

So he leaves you... and blames YOU ... the guys a cretin you're way better off without 💐

MitziK · 21/02/2020 16:38

I'm trying not to laugh at the thought of his face when you told him you were over.

That wasn't his plan - I'd put money on it being as the others have said, that it was go and be looked after by Mummy for a bit, go out on the pull a few times, then come back to trumpets and tickertape and free blowjobs because he had graciously decided you weren't as mental as he thought after all.