Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I’m devastated

176 replies

BueenQee · 16/02/2020 21:27

DP and I have split. We have a 10 month old son and I admit, things haven’t been good since DS was born. Although he is ok at parenting, he doesn’t pull his weight around the house, never cooks or does laundry, he’ll occasionally do the dishes, hoover or take the bins out but that’s as much input he puts in cleaning wise. Before DS, I didn’t mind doing the cooking and cleaning as I had the time to do it then. I also didn’t mind as much when I was on maternity leave as I was at home all day. But since going back to work we have been fighting constantly because of his lack of input. I feel a lot of resentment towards him because I feel like I’m doing everything and most nights it’s 9/10pm before I get to sit down, while he’s sitting watching tv or has left DS in his high chair while he plays his xbox and I do admit that I’ve got quite shouty at times as I feel like I’m talking to a brick wall when I ask him to do stuff.

He said today he loves me but part of loving me means he needs to let me go as the last few months have been filled with issues and he doesn’t see it getting any better. He said he thinks me being in a relationship isn’t good for my mental health as I get annoyed at him too easy and it’s never ending.

He’s went to his mums. I’m devastated.

OP posts:
Flufferbum · 26/02/2020 20:04

OP you are doing amazing! And that is 100% projection. It’ll probably get worse, and in a few weeks he will start backing down and getting all lovey lovely after he’s gotten more vile. You seriously sound like such a strong woman in comparison to this man. And he will forever hold that against you.

Original poster
BueenQee · 26/02/2020 20:04

@ReturnfromtheStars - thank you so much!

My first interview in 15 years for another part of the Home Office. I currently work within a different part of the civil service.

I actually applied for the job the night we split up, that was the night I said I was going to do it, then all the shit happened - I nearly didn’t apply but I made myself complete that application and got it submitted on time. I think he was shocked when I had asked him to look after DS while I attended the interview.

P.s. after his ranty text this morning, I had a feeling he was going to start his crap tonight and arranged with the nursery for DS to attend at 11am, instead of 1pm just in case he decided not to turn up for DS. My interview is at 12 😁

OP posts:
Iflyaway · 26/02/2020 20:08

That sounds more harsh than it is.
What I mean is, if my son is old enough to become a father, he is old enough to deal with the situation. I will always be there for him, his child and the mother. I just will not be a bolt hole for him to escape to without dealing with it in an adult way.

Iflyaway · 26/02/2020 20:10

You sound amazing OP. Hope you get the job!

timeisnotaline · 26/02/2020 20:10

Good luck with the interview op! One day you will read that last message and laugh at the pathetic piece of crap he is. Best to ignore although it might take a bigger person than me! You’ve done so well.

Original poster
BueenQee · 26/02/2020 20:12

@Iflyaway thank you!!

OP posts:
RB68 · 26/02/2020 20:13

one has to wonder how he was texting whilst driving...

Namethecat · 26/02/2020 20:15

Good luck for your interview.
Perhaps having the responsibility of his son when away from you have been a wake up call on what being a parent entails . His own shit has hit his fan ! 😂😂

Original poster
BueenQee · 26/02/2020 20:16

Mumsnet has been a life saver for me over the past couple of weeks and I am so grateful to everyone of you for your support.

It feels good to be free of the constant stress I felt while I was with him. I still have bad days and probably will for a while yet but focusing on making a good life for me & DS gets me through

OP posts:
sunshineANDsweetpeas · 26/02/2020 20:17

Good luck with the interview OP. Also a great idea with getting dc sorted rather than relying on your ex for support. I found my life got so much better when I stopped relying on my ex for childcare or anything important.

WhiskersPete · 26/02/2020 20:25

The penny has clearly dropped that you're not going to go begging for him to come back and he's going to have to start being a parent some of the time.

You're well rid OP. He has tried to scare you and that didn't work. Now he's trying an angry approach with you. Stay strong because once he realises you not bothered his next move will be love bombing you. He's made his bed. Let him lie in it.

datasgingercatspot · 26/02/2020 20:36

Grey rock him. You got this. He is desperate for you to engage. It's driving him up the wall that you don't. Focus on interview preparation then just stick to the point with him, your DS.

billy1966 · 26/02/2020 20:36

OP, the very best of luck. You are a great woman.

I would imagine he is a ball of absolute fury that you haven't capitulated.

Also his mother could be wondering herself what sort of a lazy little prick she's raised, that a great woman like you wanted him out and won't entertain him again.

I would think there is a possibility that he is getting a few questions from his mother and that is stoking his fury.
It would be hard if you had a functioning brain, as his mother, not to wonder exactly how he has behaved.
You not wanting him back has shown him up to be a complete waster.
His ego is beyond furious at the idea of you not wanting him back, hence the projection.

Such a twat.
You are going to spend years being grateful to yourself that you had the strength to do this.
FlowersFlowers

SanFranBear · 26/02/2020 20:37

Very best of luck tomorrow, BueenQee

managedmis · 26/02/2020 20:41

Er, he needs to be looking after your DS for full weeks : one week on, one week off. It's better for your son and also better for the parents. Forget the 2 day overnighter rubbish.

Oh yeah, and go get that job Grin

managedmis · 26/02/2020 20:41

Yeah, I wonder what his mam has had to say about all this?

managedmis · 26/02/2020 20:42

one has to wonder how he was texting whilst driving...

^^

Me too. Also, why is he texting you to tell you that your DS is upset? What's the value in it?

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 26/02/2020 20:46

Good luck OP!

Original poster
BueenQee · 26/02/2020 20:48

@managedmis - it’s obvious that he was annoyed at being stuck in traffic (he absolutely hates even being stuck at traffic lights, it makes him so irate) so he thought he’d text to tell me how horrendous the journey was for DS, either in the hope I’d say he doesn’t have to take DS on week days anymore or start an argument. And because I did neither, he got even more pissed off.

OP posts:
datasgingercatspot · 26/02/2020 21:07

Best of luck tomorrow!

He sees having to parent his own child as you punishing him. This guy doesn't deserve kids.

He will soon come up with excuses why he can't take his son during the week. He'll try to make it your fault as it's stressful. Being a grown up is very stressful for him, interferes with his Xbox time.

LynnSchmob · 26/02/2020 21:09

Good luck with your interview.

And well done in ridding yourself of a total arse. What an arrogant tosser he sounds.

notmyhusbandsproperty · 26/02/2020 21:13

Wow. Well done on dodging a bullet. He sounds like a complete knob. Luckily your DS has a wonderful role model in you. Xxxxxxxx

MitziK · 26/02/2020 21:21

Hmmm...I wonder whether he chose that night to do it precisely because you were applying for that job? Same way he's now kicking off when he knows you've got the interview and blocked you immediately so you couldn't get in touch about childcare?

After all, he's apparently really shit at his job bet he's been hauled up for being lazy or useless - it would make sense that he would then deliberately sabotage you in the hope you'd stay in the little woman with a little job and fluff cushions around him all evening, pathetically grateful that he had chosen to come back, despite the awful mental health issues that don't exist that he says you have.

LouHotel · 26/02/2020 21:37

Good luck tomorrow OP, I’m glad we have civil servants who are as calm and level headed as you are.

No doubt you are absolutely right about him letting you down tomorrow or he’ll kick off at you to get you irate, could you have someone with you in the morning to do handover?

Original poster
BueenQee · 26/02/2020 21:42

@LouHotel

I’m just going to take DS to nursery tomorrow morning. I’ll wait till the morning and text him to say I don’t need him to look after DS anymore. As soon as the text is sent, phone is going off and into my bag until after the interview, then I’ll deal with his reply if he’s unblocked me.

OP posts: