I’m devastated

[BueenQee]

DP and I have split. We have a 10 month old son and I admit, things haven’t been good since DS was born. Although he is ok at parenting, he doesn’t pull his weight around the house, never cooks or does laundry, he’ll occasionally do the dishes, hoover or take the bins out but that’s as much input he puts in cleaning wise. Before DS, I didn’t mind doing the cooking and cleaning as I had the time to do it then. I also didn’t mind as much when I was on maternity leave as I was at home all day. But since going back to work we have been fighting constantly because of his lack of input. I feel a lot of resentment towards him because I feel like I’m doing everything and most nights it’s 9/10pm before I get to sit down, while he’s sitting watching tv or has left DS in his high chair while he plays his xbox and I do admit that I’ve got quite shouty at times as I feel like I’m talking to a brick wall when I ask him to do stuff.

He said today he loves me but part of loving me means he needs to let me go as the last few months have been filled with issues and he doesn’t see it getting any better. He said he thinks me being in a relationship isn’t good for my mental health as I get annoyed at him too easy and it’s never ending.

He’s went to his mums. I’m devastated.

Stay strong Bueen 🙂👍this might still be an upsetting time for you even if you are ultimately better off without him😊

Ah so he left his pseudo mum for his real mum.

This with bells on!

He was always this guy but your enabling meant the real him never had to make an appearance, until now of course.

💐

I should say, OP, that I wasn't being snarky at your expense. The use of that word is actually really telling: it's something that people say when they want to sound smart but aren't. He thinks he's bringing out the Big Guns of Serious Language, but he actually sounds like a dick. It's manipulative shit, and it also speaks really poorly of him.

You sound strong and decisive and not a jackass. I wish you the best.

(ETA I had originally said jackass rather than dick and then decided it wasn't strong enough. You sound like neither a jackass nor a dick.)

@Nancydrawn - Lol!! Thank you 😊

Sorry to post on this thread again but I have just had the most horrible text from my ex.

He kept DS overnight last night and this morning when I was on my way to work he text me saying he was stuck in traffic and DS was really upset in his car seat. I text back saying that it might be an idea to move him to the bigger, front facing car seat as he’s almost 11 months and it might be better from him than the rear facing car seat in instances like that. He replied saying it had “fuck all” to do with the car seat and it was because I was making him take DS on weeknights and he has to make a 15/20 minute journey, which includes going on the motorway - if I had kept DS, I could have gotten him to nursery without any traffic issues (I live about a 30 minute walk from the nursery)

I contacted him and said that in future, I was only going to reply to text from him that absolutely needed replying to as everything always ends up in an argument. I also said that when he picks DS up, I will bring DS out to his car as I feel we need minimal engagement with each other and all I want is to be left alone to get on with my life.

He’s just sent me this:

Ur right. And the truth is I need to toughen up. I get angry and react at times with you because of the emotional bully you are. Absolutely no concept of the term “compromise” which is essential in any relationship. You’re impulsive, impatient, short-tempered, quick to react, have anger management issues and yet I find myself like a fuckin dog on a leash to you.

It’s time for me to admit that I am vulnerable to you because of the pain you (like to) inflict on me when we are together or apart. And because I would do anything to make that pain stop, I behave pathetically. If I finally come to terms with that then maybe I can reach a place where I don’t give a shit what you say or do. I need to square up and refuse to have that power held over me. Enjoy ur life.

Send a 👍

What an absolute arse!

I’m not going to reply to it but seriously, wtf!

He's waking up to the reality of having to be a parent to his child and taking it out on you. The keeping you hoping approach didn't work so now he's trying something nastier. Don't be manipulated, take everything he says with a pinch of salt and keep things entirely focussed on practical matters with minimal contact as you previously planned.

Well he’s a massive whiny little baby isn’t he? Maybe he needs to turn his seat round to stop his own tantrums 😂

I have kept contact minimal, and anytime I have contacted him or replied to his texts, it has been entirely focused on DS.

That text this morning came completely out the blue, I hadn’t spoken to him in days, even when he picked DS up yesterday we barely said a word to each other so I don’t know where all this has came from.

"Yes you do behave pathetically"

His message is like angst filled diary entries I wrote when I was 13

It’s come from the fact you’re not flapping and begging him to come home, which means you have the upper hand, which means he has to switch tactics, which he’ll keep doing until he finds one that works. Of course, if you stay strong, none of them will work and he’ll have to give up, but unfortunately you’ll have to listen to this tiresome blowhard boring in for a while.

Ooh, a good ole passive aggressive thumbs up.. love it although you're actually quite right to ignore and not respond at all.

There is a certain type of man (and my ExH is certainly one of these) who is always the victim, even if the situation is caused 1000% by them.. always. I had this thrown at me last time we had words - its classic projection.

You are being so dignified and that will be driving him up the wall as he clearly thinks an awful lot of himself!

Yea I thought it was projection tbh. I feel like I’m in store for so much shit from him, I really can’t be arsed with it. I also have an interview for a new job tomorrow and he knows this and knows I don’t need any stress from him.

Aah, that will be why he's doing it, he doesn't want you to be sucessfully moving on.

I'd go with Aussie's response. He's a really immature, weak, twatty, adolescent who is resentful he's being expected to parent his own child. You are the one who needs to come to a place where he just rolls off you like water on a duck's back and you will! You will! Because you're an adult. I'd only send her response after your interview . Save his nasty text, too, save all of it. He sends any more you just respond, 'Given that our personal relationship excepting as it concerns our child, please keep all communication to this point so we can move forward as co-parenting adults. Kind Regards, Bueen.

I'd actually see a solicitor if he carries on like this. Best to go through a contact centre if he's going to behave this way. He's paving the way to cut contact with his son because he CBA'd with his kid and then try to blame you for it, he'll re-write history just like all the useless baby daddies out there. What a total fuckwit.

He's extremely pissed off that you didn't come begging for him to come back from Mummy's.

I used to play a game with myself and my ex texts. I'd reply with the absolute minimum. I quickly found that a thumbs up or and 'ok' could answer most things.

Regarding his text this morning about the car seat, he didn't actually ask you a question, next time just text 'ok' back

He's just venting at you as the cold hard light of day is starting to dawn on him and he can't get you to do it .

he’s sitting watching tv or has left DS in his high chair while he plays his xbox

What a useless fucker. And now has run off to mummy....

You can do this alone. I did. Bliss not having a man child around.

Oh. And I have an adult son, if he came back home while becoming a father, I would not tolerate it. Fuck off and deal with it would be my take on it. I have my own life now. You chose yours.....

@sunshineANDsweetpeas

I had been replying with simple OK’s. I really have!

But I just replied with that this morning as I didn’t like the thought of DS being upset in the car, so thought I’d suggest the bigger car seat.

I did reply to the latest text with a thumbs up, but he’s blocked me. Good!

Good luck with the interview, sounds exciting

I think you're amazing OP! You are so clear eyed and strong. Go you!