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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I’m devastated

176 replies

BueenQee · 16/02/2020 21:27

DP and I have split. We have a 10 month old son and I admit, things haven’t been good since DS was born. Although he is ok at parenting, he doesn’t pull his weight around the house, never cooks or does laundry, he’ll occasionally do the dishes, hoover or take the bins out but that’s as much input he puts in cleaning wise. Before DS, I didn’t mind doing the cooking and cleaning as I had the time to do it then. I also didn’t mind as much when I was on maternity leave as I was at home all day. But since going back to work we have been fighting constantly because of his lack of input. I feel a lot of resentment towards him because I feel like I’m doing everything and most nights it’s 9/10pm before I get to sit down, while he’s sitting watching tv or has left DS in his high chair while he plays his xbox and I do admit that I’ve got quite shouty at times as I feel like I’m talking to a brick wall when I ask him to do stuff.

He said today he loves me but part of loving me means he needs to let me go as the last few months have been filled with issues and he doesn’t see it getting any better. He said he thinks me being in a relationship isn’t good for my mental health as I get annoyed at him too easy and it’s never ending.

He’s went to his mums. I’m devastated.

OP posts:
TimeForPlentyIn2020 · 21/02/2020 17:39

He’s going to be the type who takes unless there’s an emergency and either of us can’t to mean, big night out with his mates.

Fluffycloudland77 · 21/02/2020 17:43

Basically he thought you’d do everything with a smile on your face while he played on his computer like a 14 yo. Now that’s not gone to plan he’s gone home to mummy to get looked after like the child he is.

Bloody good for you for getting out now not in 10 years time.

unhappytraveller · 21/02/2020 17:44

Oh it’s great to read a thread where we have taken charge. Totally relieved (but not surprised) to hear the house is yours. Ditto to hear that you thwarted his little holiday plan by letting him know who’s boss.
It is do great it almost gives me butterflies to hear “I can’t believe he thought I’m such a mug I was going to sit here and wait for him to come back ..” If only that were the standard reaction on here.

You’re right about how much easier it is. The amount of patience and emotional energy it takes to wonder “if I go in there & he’s on his phone/computer/gaming whilst my child is ignored, while I have been cleaning g/cooking I will fucking scream..” is just not worth it.
It is so much less stressful to not have the expectation and frustration when equal share isn’t forthcoming.

Also ignore

I do think you bear a responsibility though, why you were doing it all, beats the heck out of me, but that’s the woman he wanted, someone who would do it all so he didn’t have to, and that’s the deal he thought he had got

Absolute bullshit. How in the name of God are you to blame??? Some people will go to any lengths to blame the woman.

UYScuti · 21/02/2020 17:45

'He lost me at "strategical." '
hehe, me too:o

gingersausage · 21/02/2020 17:46

I have to say, in the face of some tough competition, he is just about the biggest cockwomble I have ever read about on here. Seriously @BueenQee, there has rarely been anyone as well rid of a “man” as you are of him!

UYScuti · 21/02/2020 17:48

me really trying to rebuild my reputation at work
what has he done at work? or is he blaming you for his loss of reputation at work OP?

EerieSilence · 21/02/2020 17:50

So essentially he’s the arsehole who is scared of responsibility and tries to play the woe poor me role. Pretty poorly because you would have to be an idiot to fall for this.

Clangus00 · 21/02/2020 17:56

Well he’s a dick.

Original poster
BueenQee · 21/02/2020 18:04

what has he done at work? or is he blaming you for his loss of reputation at work OP?

I think he’s making out his work has suffered because of stress at home. He’s honestly barely even done a night feed

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 21/02/2020 18:05

What? He is saying is work reputation is damaged because he’s not been performing as he has to do so much at home 😂😂😂

partofthepeanutgallery · 21/02/2020 18:05

Sorry, OP. It does sound like you are well rid of the man baby who wanted his life to change very little while you did all the additional work of adding a baby into the mix. Complete arsehole

Bluntness100 · 21/02/2020 18:07

Honestly op, now he’s gone, keep him gone, your future self will thank you.

He’s prob being using the baby as n excuse not to do his share at work too.

Real prince amongst men.

UYScuti · 21/02/2020 18:09

he is trying to portray himself as a catch such that you should try to win him back, whilst at the same time blaming you for all his failings, he has got no hope at making that story stick, I pity his mother, she is probably none to happy to have him land upon her!

madmumofteens · 21/02/2020 18:10

Omg OP well rid manchild of the first degree let him stay with his mummy 💐

HalfaPint · 21/02/2020 18:29

OP I’m sorry that you are going through this, I had the same thing happen to me with my ex husband when our children were very little. He just upped and left one day to his parents, then said I might come back etc I don’t know yet. What followed was 2 years of me being his “friend with benefits” whilst believing he was coming home at some point. He spent most of that time seeing other women and going out with his mates.

Needless to say I woke up and ended it, we have joint custody which has gone smoothly mostly. I’m happily married to a lovely man now and I’m so glad he left!.

Sounds like a complete little boy who wants the single life with you waiting until he’s grown up.. get rid! X

FFSFFSFFS · 21/02/2020 18:32

He's in for a fair old shock when its his turn to have the bub.

(although I suspect his mum will do it....)

TBH I think its for the best it happened now. Stay strong - build your own life!

Thinkingabout1t · 21/02/2020 18:52

He says he loves me but part of loving me means he needs to let me go as the last few months have been filled with issues and he doesn’t see it getting any better. He said he thinks me being in a relationship isn’t good for my mental health

Aaaagh! I want to push his head down a toilet! Bad enough that he is such a useless selfish git, and let you and DS down. But vomiting that self-justifying rubbish over you should carry a life sentence.

Thinkingabout1t · 21/02/2020 19:05

Oh, and it might be worth getting a lawyer to formalise your agreement about his payments and childcare obligations (including obligation to pay for professional childcare when he fails to do it).

carly2803 · 21/02/2020 19:34

well well rid!!

Leave him at mummys and crack on with your life.

do not take this idiot back, they do not change!!

billy1966 · 21/02/2020 20:59

"Strategical"....I love it!

OP, you have a super life to live yet. So glad you are not prepared to waste a further precious minute with this twat.

"Sunken fallacy" is one of those terms that should be taught in schools, such is its potential application to so many areas of life.

Well done OP.Flowers

misskatamari · 21/02/2020 21:01

What an absolute waste of space! Well done OP, I know it will be hard at times, but you are going to be so much happier with this ridiculous man hold out of your life

UpfieldHatesWomen · 21/02/2020 21:56

OP, just sending some support your way. I agree with what the others have said regarding this waste of space, he clearly thought he could have a little holiday, frame the whole situation as his concern for your mental health (rather than admit he does f* all), and then string you along, possibly coming back on condition you act as his personal slave as before, but with the added 'threat' that he'll up and leave again if you dare ask for any help ever again. He'd have you walking on eggshells for the rest of your life, probably what he was hoping for, he'll think you would tolerate any amount of his shit rather than be a single mother. Well, he can start looking after his child on his own now, so actually you'll be better off than you were before, and I'd make him do more than two days as well. Honestly, that text was cringe-worthy and frankly scary, he's clearly emotionally manipulative. Just be wary of his next move now his ego's been bruised. So sorry you're going through this, but so much better to get rid than be lumped with this manbaby.

NoMoreDickheads · 21/02/2020 22:14

What a dickhead. Great work taking your power back OP xxx

Original poster
BueenQee · 21/02/2020 22:25

Thank you all so much for your support ❤️

Reading everyone else’s perspective on it, really has helped me realise I’m better off without him.

OP posts:
Rosevideo · 21/02/2020 22:51

What a bullsh!tting idiot!
Boohoo he was so stressed at home by having to play Xbox with a baby in a highchair beside him.
jeez how could anyone expect him to perform in work each day with that sort of home life!!
Well done op for letting this idiot scarper back home to his mummy