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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I’m devastated

176 replies

BueenQee · 16/02/2020 21:27

DP and I have split. We have a 10 month old son and I admit, things haven’t been good since DS was born. Although he is ok at parenting, he doesn’t pull his weight around the house, never cooks or does laundry, he’ll occasionally do the dishes, hoover or take the bins out but that’s as much input he puts in cleaning wise. Before DS, I didn’t mind doing the cooking and cleaning as I had the time to do it then. I also didn’t mind as much when I was on maternity leave as I was at home all day. But since going back to work we have been fighting constantly because of his lack of input. I feel a lot of resentment towards him because I feel like I’m doing everything and most nights it’s 9/10pm before I get to sit down, while he’s sitting watching tv or has left DS in his high chair while he plays his xbox and I do admit that I’ve got quite shouty at times as I feel like I’m talking to a brick wall when I ask him to do stuff.

He said today he loves me but part of loving me means he needs to let me go as the last few months have been filled with issues and he doesn’t see it getting any better. He said he thinks me being in a relationship isn’t good for my mental health as I get annoyed at him too easy and it’s never ending.

He’s went to his mums. I’m devastated.

OP posts:
Hidingtonothing · 21/02/2020 16:38

You've called his bluff OP and now he's frantically backpedaling. He didn't expect you to react like this, perhaps he expected you to crumble and beg him to come back. In fact I wonder if he thought if he left it would shock you into letting him game in peace when he deigned to come home? Hasn't gone so well for him has it!

2018SoFarSoGreat · 21/02/2020 16:39

oh OP, he so wanted to see you come in line, to agree he needed to do no more than he does now (perhaps even less - poor diddums!) and quit with the moaning. But you haven't - and good for you.

He left you. Now he takes the consequences. Frankly, I think you had a really lucky escape, that this did not become your life. Your whole life. Working and raising two children - only one of whom you gave birth to.

[Flowers]

Selfsettling3 · 21/02/2020 16:39

Well done on being so strong 💪. You rock. He is a dick who wants to keep you on the back burner for a shag or until your son is older and he can get back with you having left you to do the parenting in the meantime.

billy1966 · 21/02/2020 16:44

Masterclass OP.....on spoiling his little break from everything at mummy's.

What a prat.
Well did.

Expect nothing from him and you won't be disappointed.

Thanks be to goodness the mortgage is in your name.

Flowers
Nancydrawn · 21/02/2020 16:44

He lost me at "strategical."

HellonHeels · 21/02/2020 16:44

Thank fuck the house is yours and you didn't marry him. What a selfish prick. Keep him gone.

'Rebuilding his reputation at work' suggests he's as useless at work as he was at home.

datasgingercatspot · 21/02/2020 16:45

And he has already tried to have contact DS at mine!!

And well done to you for saying NO to that. He needs to grow the fuck up. Do not enable him by making life easier for him at your expense. He can pick up his child like a grown up and have contact at his mum's.

Bluntness100 · 21/02/2020 16:48

Oh dear, what he’s trying to do is scare you into doing it all, never mentioning it again, you must never ask him to pull his weight like a normal person.

I do think you bear a responsibility though, why you were doing it all, beats the heck out of me, but that’s the woman he wanted, someone who would do it all so he didn’t have to, and that’s the deal he thought he had got,

Now he is saying to you continue with this deal if you want me back.

A life of drudgery awaits op with this lazy mysoginistic arse.

Mummacake · 21/02/2020 16:49

OP you are quite right to schedule in his contact with DS. Try to manage everything via email with texts for emergencies. It just makes things a little easier if you need to demonstrate that you haven't stopped him seeing his child. Avoid letting him have contact at your home as it prevents him taking full responsibility for your little one. Check the CMS calculator to see what he should be paying and check if you are entitled to tax credits, and claim for both asap. What a prick!

ChewChewIsMySpiritAnimal · 21/02/2020 16:50

He's trying to keep his options open. Hopefully now he realises you're no longer an option!

Bakedbrie · 21/02/2020 16:53

2 things I take from this OP. Firstly with his mental health comment, he’s sort of trying to make out that the problem is with you trying to a relationship With a man - this is bullshit. Not all men are like him OP, he’s a lazy tosser.
You are right to push on the contact plan OP - get him to sign the bloody thing. Already he’s pulling back and trying to sow the seeds of excuse and avoidance! Just gob smacking.

mindproject · 21/02/2020 16:55

It's definitely for the best. Well-done for realising this early on. I had one like yours - lazy, very selfish etc, but with extra problems.

Things I wish people had told me about how to deal with an ex like this include:

Cut all emotional ties, don't let the things he does from this point forward bother you. Don't let him play games with you or emotionally blackmail you. Don't allow him to take up any space in your brain, concentrate on your child. Don't invest any emotional energy in him or react to the things he does.

If he starts to argue just end the conversation/call. Keep everything very civil and matter of fact.

Don't bend over backwards to accommodate him regarding seeing your child. It's up to him. He probably won't make too much effort, don't make it for him. He might pretend to be the loving father for appearance sake, but you know him better than this.

Don't go to back to him, he might promise you the moon on a stick at some point so you take him back. It will not be the moon on the end of that stick.

Make sure he pays you child support. Don't hesitate to take it as far as you need to in order to make this happen.

Enjoy being single. Don't be a rush to find another partner.

TheMerryWidow1 · 21/02/2020 16:55

good luck OP you sound stronger than you think you are! You have definitely shown him what's what with the calendar, the next moan will be having to use his annual leave when the nursery is closed, then he will realise how good he had it before! Now he actually has to take responsibility rather than you doing everything.

pourmorewine · 21/02/2020 16:57

He's trying to frame it that he moved out for your sake op, because you are such a stress head, clearly, and consequently he is now just so lonely due to his great sacrifice. What a twat.

Mummyzzz044 · 21/02/2020 16:58

Oh wow, I bet he did not expect you to be so strong!!! Well done you!!.

He expected for you to beg, he would have time at mummy house. Have some fun going out till all hours, make you miss him, come back and have the easiest life going.
Well wasnt he wrong!! Stay strong and stick to your guns. So cheeky for him to blame your mental health.

I have a 7 month old and it's been hard so I know the struggle. We bicker a lot more and I've noticed my patience is very thin compared to what it used to be. So I can also sound quite nagging. But I do believe we are a team and we will come out stronger.

FamilyOfAliens · 21/02/2020 17:01

He lost me at "strategical."

Glad I wasn’t the only one! Grin

Original poster
BueenQee · 21/02/2020 17:05

I honestly cannot believe that he thinks I’m that much of a mug that I’d have been sitting waiting on him coming back or will put my life on hold until he decides whether he’s coming back or not.

This week has been so hard. But I’ve got through it and it’s really opened my eyes to the type of person he is.

I’ve managed my job, DS and my home on my own, and while I might not be happier (yet) I am definitely less stressed.

Thank you all so much for your support and making me realise that I’m not actually crazy.

OP posts:
Fruitsaladjelly · 21/02/2020 17:09

I’d honestly look at getting him to do more than 2 nights a week. Make sure you get yourself plenty of child free weekends, you’ll need them whilst you re build your life, why should you be left with a life of juggling childcare whilst he can pursue a career unhindered. The best thing you can do for your child is build a strong independent life where you never have to be dependant on anyone. Look for a much more 50/50 arrangement, your career and financial independence is worth far more than a few bread crumb maintenance payments.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 21/02/2020 17:10

Oh OP, brace yourself for the lovebombing. He's tried the old, "Treat em mean, keep em keen." routine. Then it'll be lovebombing. If that dont work, he'll turn nasty.

datasgingercatspot · 21/02/2020 17:17

Most immature people have really big egos, Bueen, and he's shown you this. He is also sexist. He really doesn't see lifework as something males do. And again, lesson learned, never 'be happy' to do lifework for another adult who is able-bodied, that should be a huge turnoff, a total libido killer.

Really he has done you a massive favour by throwing his teddy out the pram and taking his ball and going home to Mummy. A HUGE favour.

You are way better than this.

Keep it simple, don't engage with him and go the legal route if need be.

Yes, he really thought so much of himself and so little of you that you'd be keening into your shawl waiting for him to come back to sit on his arse and play X-box.

He writes like a teenager, too. All that 'strategical' nonsense and guff about 'dunno about the future'. That's the kind of bunk my kids' mates text each other in relationships but they're like, 16.

katy1213 · 21/02/2020 17:17

If he were my son, I'd be giving him a kick up his lazy arse and booting him right back to face up to his responsibilities. His mother should be ashamed that she has reared such a useless man.
In the long run, you might be well rid of him.
I don't think you're the one who needs the counsellor!

Dozer · 21/02/2020 17:20

His communications make clear that he did not wish to do any domestic work or much parenting. He will not want parenting responsibilities (the reasonable arrangements you proposed) to impede his working life: he will only want every other weekend and for you to do everything for the vast majority of the time. While he prioritises his work, pays minimal maintenance and probably dates someone new and naive.

What a prince.

Dozer · 21/02/2020 17:23

2 nights a week leaves a LOT on you. If he even does 2.

Agree that you need to sort out holidays: why not switch to a nursery that is open all year?

SchadenfreudePersonified · 21/02/2020 17:26

He said today he loves me but part of loving me means he needs to let me go as the last few months have been filled with issues and he doesn’t see it getting any better. He said he thinks me being in a relationship isn’t good for my mental health as I get annoyed at him too easy and it’s never ending.

Oh- I see.

He's dressing up his own selfish idleness as concern for you. AND he wants to have his cake and eat it. (Probably hopes to persuade you into the occasional shag as well)

Tell him that arguments (and contact between the two of you) will be reduced to a minimum when you have both filled in your calendar and know exactly when you will both be able to plan - until you both know which are your childcare days, and which are your childfree ones, you can't organise work or social activities.

He's obviously hoping that he can just slither out of any regular responsibilities for his child. Good for you for letting him know you expect him to step up to the mark. You are absolutely right that if you don't pin him down now, he will find other excuses not to hav your son, and this baby is as much his as yours, and you both need to be there for him.

Bluntness100 · 21/02/2020 17:27

You’re not crazy op, who the fuck sits gaming whilst their partner runs around doing everything, and then when called out on it, fucks off out of it, blames you and then throws work stress in, as a reason he can’t do house work.

What he thought would happen is you’d plead for him not to go, or to come back with the promise that you would do it all and he didn’t have to.

Don’t get me wrong, he’s coming back but he will pretend and promise he will do more, will do it for a few days then lapse back. Untill you kick off again, then he will run back to mummy,