Is this financial abuse? Or am I just being spoiled?

[Breathingunderwater]

I’m very lucky in that we agreed after dc2 - now 3 - id be a sahm. Dh works aboard quite a bit so it seemed sensible that I be at home and he is a high earner.
He gives me a set amount of money each month that covers my expenses - car insurance, phone bill, petrol, some of the food bill and also clothes etc for the children (we have two of them). It is just enough - just enough - to get by. After I’ve taken out the above expenses I have about £300 a month free which should be plenty but I also have the dc all the time so if I take them anywhere then it comes out of that money too. If I want anything myself - like I needed my hair cutting - I had to ask dh for the money.
Sometimes he will pay for extra things but he often says the bank is closed and he’s not spending anything else.
He has a lot lot lot more free income than me but then he’s earned it so it’s his money - I mainly struggle in the holidays when basically I’ve got £10 a day for the three of us to do anything which doesn’t go far.
My friends asked me on a spa day recently for one of their birthdays and there’s no way I could afford to go, dh goes on golf holidays / nights away for things if he wants to. But then it is his money and I have been lucky enough to stay home so I don’t know. It doesn’t always feel fair but given that I’m not adding anything I don’t know.

depends on the savings/equity percentage she gets

Coercive financial control /abuse... Yes
I wouldn't feel lucky living like that
My best friend was just like you and didn't question it.
A few years later he was unfaithful. They divorced. She had no idea how much money he had.
She got a small financial settlement. A very unfair one.
He is a multi millionaire
You need to wise up

I'm a single mum with 2dc. I have about 200 per month to save/ spare BUT I don't have an ex husband worth 170k pa !!!
She should be swimming in money, either with him or divorced.

My dh is a high earner , until recently I was a sahm ( I wanted a part time job) .. we have a joint account and I have access to everything including the credit card ( which gets paid off every month ) but I can pretty mcuh buy what I want and he doesn't mind .. I'm sensible and don't take the mickey out of him but a marriage is being a team isn't it .. he looks after us and I look after the kids and house . You are being his paid maid and nanny !

Ok - so this is roughly what I think there is:

£300k in the house
Another £80k in savings
£60k in shares / bonds

If I could find a job that paid around £1k a month, plus the child support - would I survive?
So I’d have some money from the divorce if I took 50/50 which feels unfair as dh’s money - but if I did. I wouldn’t have a mortgage.

Sorry but I think if she goes it alone she won’t have more than 600 spare?

She also won’t be married to a wanker. Swings and roundabouts 🤷🏻‍♀️

Honestly I would seek legal advice asap and employ too the services of a forensic accountant. You have a rough idea which is good but I would urge you to find out properly what there is financially (and my guess is that it is more than you've been led to believe). Your H regards his money as his and his alone and does not and will not ever want to share.

Re your comment:-
"So I’d have some money from the divorce if I took 50/50 which feels unfair as dh’s money - but if I did. I wouldn’t have a mortgage".

I guess this is what you've been conditioned to believe here by him. He has really done a right number on you here. Its not "his" money although he regards this as his and his alone. Stop thinking in terms of being unfair because its his money. He goes on at you about buying expensive watches whilst you are on Ebay selling your own items to try and raise more funds for you and the kids.

I think I’m going to have to stay. At least until I’m at work and earning some money of my own - i can’t see me ever getting out tbh.
It’s my own fault but I’m trapped.

It isn’t his money it is family money that is your problem

Please get proper legal advice based on those figures plus an accurate representation of when he is actually there and take it from there

Or speak to him tell him you want access to money and the family accounts because it is as much your money as his

Why do you still think it's his money? It's your money too. He would not have been able to earn it if you were not looking after his children. You need to change your mindset. You would get more than 50% in a divorce if the children stayed with you. Tell him that.

I just have visions of the dc living in poverty with me and in luxury with him.

I feel morally - it isn’t my money. His pension isn’t huge as well but I wouldn’t want any claim to that.

Why isn’t it yours morally? I have a high earning DH and am a SAHM. DH wouldn’t have the freedom to progress his career in the way he has without me being there to pick up everything else. We would obviously also be paying vast amounts for childcare if I was at work.
Luckily both of us see it entirely as family money.
You need to stop thinking about morals and start thinking about legality and practicality, for your sake and the children’s.

I just feel that I didn’t earn it and dh won’t want this split.
So I’m saying - I’m leaving you - but I want half your money. It doesn’t sit right with me at all. It seems entitled.
However I’m not going to have any choice. It would be much much better and would caused much less animosity if I could not take anything from him, because the money will really really anger him.

"I think I’m going to have to stay. At least until I’m at work and earning some money of my own - i can’t see me ever getting out tbh.
It’s my own fault but I’m trapped".

He wants you to think you are trapped.

Please do not make him and his associated abuses of you the hill you die on. There is always a way out. You are married to this individual and thus have rights in law. It is down to you to exercise them fully. I also think that he will actively sabotage any and all attempts you make to go back to work and even if you did manage to go back he will further reduce the money allocated to you accordingly. The longer you remain within this, the harder it will feel to actually leave him. You have a choice re this man, your children do not.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is NONE.

Re fault it is his fault and not yours. The responsibility for the abuse here is all his and his alone. He wants power and control over you and in turn your kids who will grow up seeing you (and in turn them) being controlled too. Divorce is not failure here, living in such unhappiness is and this is no life for your children either. Would you want them to be in a controlling and abusive relationship themselves as adults?. No you would not. Its not good enough for you either.
There is help and support out there for you, the first step to take out of abuse is often the most difficult one to take but take it you should.

If he doesn’t want to split, he needs to stop living a life of luxury while you’re selling things in order to take your children out. He is not treating you fairly.

The money should be shared 50/50.
He could not have earned it without you being at home to run things there. You have contributed both 50/50 in terms of supporting your family, so you should part with it 50/50as well.
Take your time, get a job, plan your departure.
Good luck

Of course he does not want this split; he has put in many years of abuse to get you to this now low point in your life and he will not want to relinquish that power and control over you.

Re your comment:-
"So I’m saying - I’m leaving you - but I want half your money. It doesn’t sit right with me at all. It seems entitled"

Why is it entitled?. Where did this mindset come from; did your mother for instance think similarly?. This mindset really does you no favours at all and it is indicative of perhaps how much you have been brainwashed by him. Do you not think that he has and is treating you and in turn your kids unfairly?. Would you want them to be in such a marriage; no you would not and its not good enough for you either.

When we decided for me to be a SAHM, first thing DH did was open a joint account for wages & bills and have 2 cards giving both of us full access. (I was also allowed to keep kids CB in separate account).
That's how it should be.

Legally morally ethically it’s as much his money as yours. You are suppose to be a team, a partnership you look after the house, the kids etc and him and he goes out to work. It’s what been married is about and it is frankly what you are entitled too

What would be better is if he realised you were a partnership and shared the money far better like others. What would be worse for your children is too see their mother believe she was worth so little she took nothing at all

And you don’t say I’m leaving I eantbhalf your money. You say this isn’t working out anymore this isn’t a partnership so we need to separate and split our assets 50/50 and work on creating a child arrangement that puts out r children first

@Breathingunderwater you need to snap out of this ‘his money’ business. Your contribution in doing everything with the home and kids is what allows him to earn what he does. If he were a single dad and you weren’t around he would have to take a salary drop to step i to the gap.

If he became disabled and was unable to work so you swapped roles would you expect him to survive on 7% of your income?

OP, please take yourself out of the equation.

He is cheating your children out of what they are entitled to.

He's an absolute disgrace.

By thinking YOU don't deserve to get a fair settlement, you are actually saying your CHILDREN don't deserve a fair settlement.

I don't think that is what you mean....is it?

I think everything you secure, you secure for your children.

Your children need one parent who cares about what they deserve.
As children grow, they become far more expensive.

Don't sell your children short for their future.

They need the BEST SETTLEMENT you can secure for them.

As for the word morally, he has absolutely NO MORALS.
For you the word doesn't apply IMO.
Your obligation is to your children.

Your husband is not richer than you because your married so there is no such thing as his money and your money. It is joint.

I am in the same situation of my husband being a high earner and I usually earn v little and currently nothing apart from SMA as I've just had a baby

We do a budget together which we agree on but our cards are joint and I am not given an "allowance" that's ridiculous! I have a budget yes but then so does he as that's what we try and stick to. However if one of us wants something more/expensive we chat and decide

Him going off and spending as he wants while u have nothing is ridiculous and you need to have it out with him. If he's agreed to you being a SAHM then it's joint bank cards and equal access. When u go back to work all money in the same pot and u all agree what it is spent on

Why don't you think he has a moral obligation to pay for stuff for his children? Why should that all come from you?

It's not his money. Do you seriously not realise that raising your kids is your contribution and you're entitled to as much as him?