Is this financial abuse? Or am I just being spoiled?

[Breathingunderwater]

I’m very lucky in that we agreed after dc2 - now 3 - id be a sahm. Dh works aboard quite a bit so it seemed sensible that I be at home and he is a high earner.
He gives me a set amount of money each month that covers my expenses - car insurance, phone bill, petrol, some of the food bill and also clothes etc for the children (we have two of them). It is just enough - just enough - to get by. After I’ve taken out the above expenses I have about £300 a month free which should be plenty but I also have the dc all the time so if I take them anywhere then it comes out of that money too. If I want anything myself - like I needed my hair cutting - I had to ask dh for the money.
Sometimes he will pay for extra things but he often says the bank is closed and he’s not spending anything else.
He has a lot lot lot more free income than me but then he’s earned it so it’s his money - I mainly struggle in the holidays when basically I’ve got £10 a day for the three of us to do anything which doesn’t go far.
My friends asked me on a spa day recently for one of their birthdays and there’s no way I could afford to go, dh goes on golf holidays / nights away for things if he wants to. But then it is his money and I have been lucky enough to stay home so I don’t know. It doesn’t always feel fair but given that I’m not adding anything I don’t know.

wooow op... so basically your husband is living it up with a life of luxury's and your SCRAPING by having to ask him for money whilst you raise HIS children!?

If he is doing 0% of the child care regardless of whether he works! and your a sahm then you should have a bank card just like he does !!

Do you even know how much is in his account / savings?

Look how much your house is worth, you get half, or more.
Half of any savings.
Half his pension.

I don’t think it’s “his money”. You have a full time job too as a sahm. It’s a decision you both made together. He works in a paid job, you work in an unpaid job. You split the money as a family

"Fuck it - divorce him, stay in the house and don’t go back to work!"

For god's sake, what moronic advice. Divorce or not, go back to work. Unless you're likely to get multiple millions in a divorce settlement you will be in a financially precarious situation if you don't improve your ability to earn your own income.

@Breathingunderwater

I know this is hard to hear, but are you taking on board what's being said here?

@PineappleDanish
This is what I don't get also and scares me hugely regarding my own DD's

Jesus I have just seen his earnings! Any decent man supporting his family would WANT to give them enough money to enjoy nice things and to have fun in the holidays. He thinks nothing of you and probably the same for his kids.

This prick is not a good man, husband, or father in any way shape or form. You are far from lucky, you are very unfortunate to be saddled with this git and dependent upon him financially. Please listen to all the voices who have said you and your family deserve so much better than this and please get your ducks in a row to get out.

*And this is why you need a solicitor. He can't have them 50/50 if he's working and planning to use wraparound and overnight childcare

Would you say that about a working mum? I do shifts - if dh and i split up i’d need wrap around and overnight care, which would likely be my mum or an au pair.*

The point is if the other parent is available, willing and has been the primary carer you don't give 50/50 so the child can then go to care or a grandparent.

Yes regardless of which parent it is, 50/50 care is only going to work if the parent is available, not a paid or unpaid substitute being used on a regular basis.

Why would anyone think a substitute parent was better than an actual parent unless the parent that can do it is abusive etc?

Breathing

re your comment:-
"As I understand it - if he had the children 50% of the time he wouldn’t have to give me anything? He couldn’t facilitate it very easily but he’d want to so he wouldn’t have to pay me anything. I could see him moving back to his mum’s and basically leaving her with them".

Re your first sentence did he tell you that himself?. Where did that understanding come from?. As I wrote to you before he will continue to "punish" you for having the utter gall to leaving him, he being in his eyes a perfect specimen of man. You need a Solicitor and I would also consider employing the services of a forensic accountant because such types will likely try and hide as much money as possible. Empower yourself and for that matter your kids by seeking legal advice; knowledge after all is power!.

If he has and continues to abuse you like this (and I would also think that sadly he is abusive in other ways too. Financially abusive men are rarely if ever solely financially abusive) then your only real option going forward is to divorce him. He is not bothered at all about his children either and 50/50 anyway is very much seen as a starting point. I also think he will merely palm off the kids onto some willing relative (I would think that one or even both parents here are like him).

This is the real life scenarios I have seen,

High flyer suddenly starts own business fiddles how much they really make so lower child support for ex.

High earner suddenly decides to drop hours to go 50/50 to accommodate children/pay less no child support. Or both of the above.

Man gets full kids as makes out ex is a nutter and she does not work so not able to give children the lifestyle they deserve/used to.

Man gets 50/50 but yes gives them to his mum most of the time.

As I mentioned before wife inherits equity from house and cannot claim any income.

Not sounding mean just saying be careful get a good solicitor and a job.

Most common scenarios I have seen are

1. High flyer man makes a lot.of noise, downtrodden wife accepts a low settlement in the hope he will be amicable. Later years, when her sense of normalcy has returned she bitterly regrets letting herself be screwed over because it affects how she supports the children.

2. High flyer man makes a lot of noise. Wife gets SHL and holds firm. Man seriously pisses off the judge with his arrogance and selfishness. Woman gets a lot. Man whines forever about how his ex took him to the cleaners. Wife happy.

I know more than one man who tried to use female relatives to do his 50% for free so he could dodge child maintenance. They helped out for a couple of months then told him to get to fuck. He then dropped to EOW.

tork surely the last sentence should be ex wife happy. New wife is on mumsnet saying what a bitch their dh’s ex wife was for never working and taking everything...

Yes, of course, you are right Calleigh

You need to claim child benefit in your name ( but not the money, due to his high salary) so that your National Insurance "stamp" is paid, while you are not working, but doing childcare. I believe it is paid until youngest child is 12. This contributes to your state pension & other benefits
You need 35 years of contributions to receive a full state pension
You can log onto www.gov.uk and enter your National Insurance number & see how much you have paid already into your state pension

Do I think that you are lucky - No

Because I earn my own money & manage my own money, savings, pension etc

if the other parent is available, willing and has been the primary carer you don't give 50/50 so the child can then go to care or a grandparent.

So many of these terrible men use 50:50 and hence no CM as a threat to hold over their poor wives, to keep them in their place.

I'm so glad the evidence is that it doesn't work. Hurrah for SHL (shit hot lawyers).

You’d be better off divorced op

I recall a thread very similar to this a whole back.. it is financial control. I could have written a lot of what you've said myself. I know I'm being controlled.. I know I have to get out! Oh and the nice offshore job that pays probably comes with a double life including OW! You've been warned.

The offshore job is going to make this a lot more tricky. You need to very quietly manage to get copies of all account statements and his pay slips. Pull up a form E and use it as a tick list for what you need. Say absolutely nothing until you have those documents. Whose name is the house in?

You need to go back to work OP. You and those kids are hugely vulnerable. If I were you I'd be planning to be a single parent working with zero financial support. Tell him you're going back to work and he needs to pay the childcare bill. Tell him it's because you want to build a career and contribute....any bullshit. Whatever will make him pay the childcare bill. Worst case you will need to pay it out of what you earn.

If he works in a country without reciprocity he only needs to change his contract to a local one and there will be fuck all that can be done. BUT a SHL will be able to show that to a judge (if you have the account statements) and get you a larger share of the house. Get as much capital as you can in the settlement. Any maintenance he will find a way to cut out and there are so many ways so I'd focus hard on the capital so you can buy a place for you and the kids.

Fuck him OP. I'm another one who bets there's an OW lurking too. It almost always goes with the working abroad.

TorkTorkBam,

There is another scenario

1. Husband hires SHL, hides assets and wife doesn't get a fair settlement.

However I was in Ops situation and the money is just an indication of his feelings towards his wife. I bet that he is dismissive of her in other ways but outwardly the nice guy and Mr Charming. I tried to get equality but he believed our marriage was hierarchical and he was top dog so thesense of entitlement runs deep.

OP,
Whatever you decide, pls get copies of every
Bank account
Passports
Mortgage
Deeds of house.
Pension
Investments

Anything connected to money.

You seem to be getting mixed up between child maintenance and a divorce settlement.

A divorce settlement won't necessarily be based on who has the children when, it is designed to allocate the assets of the marriage (both present and future) between the parties. As the primary carer to the children you will need money to support the children, but you will also need money to support yourself, as you gave up your career and therefore your earning power to look after the children, and to facilitate his career. It's likely that you would be entitled to a large share of the assets, including the house, plus extra to cover your living costs and then on top of that there will be money to cover the cost of supporting the children.

If you are unhappy, go and see a solicitor and they will be able to properly advise you on what you're entitled to. Don't take your knobhead husband's word for it. You will undoubtedly be infinitely better off divorced than in your current miserable situation with your measly £600 'allowance'. How dare he. Absolute wanker.

I'm single and a high earner (but not as high as your husband).
I'm not financially irresponsible but I put £1000 /month into my "spending" account to buy food/clothes/gifts/ nights out etc.

I often spend more as I put big purchases on my credit card.

£600/month for you & 2kids is ridiculous.

Sorry but I think if she goes it alone she won’t have more than 600 spare? Any single mums like to speak up?