Is this financial abuse? Or am I just being spoiled?

[Breathingunderwater]

I’m very lucky in that we agreed after dc2 - now 3 - id be a sahm. Dh works aboard quite a bit so it seemed sensible that I be at home and he is a high earner.
He gives me a set amount of money each month that covers my expenses - car insurance, phone bill, petrol, some of the food bill and also clothes etc for the children (we have two of them). It is just enough - just enough - to get by. After I’ve taken out the above expenses I have about £300 a month free which should be plenty but I also have the dc all the time so if I take them anywhere then it comes out of that money too. If I want anything myself - like I needed my hair cutting - I had to ask dh for the money.
Sometimes he will pay for extra things but he often says the bank is closed and he’s not spending anything else.
He has a lot lot lot more free income than me but then he’s earned it so it’s his money - I mainly struggle in the holidays when basically I’ve got £10 a day for the three of us to do anything which doesn’t go far.
My friends asked me on a spa day recently for one of their birthdays and there’s no way I could afford to go, dh goes on golf holidays / nights away for things if he wants to. But then it is his money and I have been lucky enough to stay home so I don’t know. It doesn’t always feel fair but given that I’m not adding anything I don’t know.

I think what you’re really saying is a. he has thoroughly brainwashed you into believing it’s his money and b. you’re afraid of his anger.

Does it help if you realise that this money is really your kids’ money? And you need to claim what is rightfully ‘your’ portion for their sake? To set up their lives with you?

You get 50 percent because the children need a decent standard of living, it’s not really about you stealing his money - you’ve clearly been financially abused for years.

@Breathingunderwater

Would it help if instead of thinking of it as getting the money for you, you'd be getting the money for the children? Because that's what it actually is.

OP how much do you think a nanny, a cleaner, someone to wash & iron, a cook, someone to do all the life admin, gardening, shopping, taxi service per week would cost for 24x7?

I reckon £2000 per week at the very least, that's a yearly salary if £104000 a year. You do all this AND more every day, day in day out, 24 hrs a day. THIS is what he'd have to pay for to enable him to work in the job he's doing, with all the benefits he gets by you being able to do all those jobs for him. If you simply disappeared tomorrow would he be able to do his job and continue to look after the kids, clean the house, wash and iron their clothes, do all the life admin etc etc? No of course he wouldn't!

You ARE entitled to AT LEAST half of all the equity in the houses, savings, shares and pension. Plus he'd have to pay child maintenance. Why would you not claim this, you've been saving him £104000 per year!

By not taking what's fair, you are taking it away from your dc, do you think your dh will happily spend all his money on the dc when you split when he won't now? You say they will live in luxury when at dads and poverty when with you. He doesn't spend any money on them now! Why would he then! And why would you let yourself live in poverty when you don't have to by leaving the marriage with what's fair?

And please take a look at my earlier posts - even if you took NOTHING from the house/savings/bonds - you would be legally entitled to a MINIMUM of £2087 per month in maintenance if you had main care of the children, or £1500 per month if you shared.

This wouldn't be "taking his money" - it would be what the court deemed as the absolute minimum that he should be morally and legally contributing for his children.

If anything this is a case of his stealing your money - the savings you’ve had to burn to pay for the kids etc.

Op you are married. You are not two single people. You have kids. It really isn't his money!!!! It belongs to the family!

OP how much do you think a nanny, a cleaner, someone to wash & iron, a cook, someone to do all the life admin, gardening, shopping, taxi service per week would cost for 24x7?

A Nanny working a 12 hour day, 5 day a week job (live-in, UK) would be on a minimum of £400 net per week, probably closer to £450/500. The Nanny would look after the children and children's rooms only.

A cleaner wouldn't do the cooking, so he'd need a housekeeper - possibly part time if alongside the Nanny? A FT housekeeper makes about £450 net a week, so half time would be about £225 a week.

A gardener would charge about £50 a week to come in once a week for a few hours to maintain things.

The Nanny or Housekeeper may take on some of the admin duties, if not a part time PA would be needed.

This wouldn't include wraparound childcare for the nights or trips away ("Proxy Parenting") which would basically be the cost of another Nanny each week.

The Nanny and the Housekeeper would both be Live In at the above salaries, so this isn't taking into consideration the cost of housing and feeding them of course....

Let's go on what the government deems enough to pay for basics per week with the job seekers allowance of £80 pp [obviously way too low as doesn't take into consideration accommodation costs]
so that's an extra £160.

So:

Nanny: £450
Housekeeper: £225
Gardener: £50
Proxy Parent/wrap around Nanny: £450
Live in costs for Nanny/Housekeeper/proxy: £240

£1,415

So @TheReef isn't far off.

To replace everything you do in the house would cost him at least £73,580 a year.

[I run a domestic staffing agency, so I'm not pulling these figures out of thin air!]

Let's go on what the government deems enough to pay for basics per week with the job seekers allowance of £80 pp [obviously way too low as doesn't take into consideration accommodation costs]
so that's an extra £160.

That should say an extra £240 - £80 a week living costs for Nanny, Housekeeper & Proxy.

Sometimes I read threads like this one and wonder if it's a wind up. So he earns £100k, has no mortgage and £80k in savings, treats himself to expensive things and flaunts that in front of you, while you struggle to buy essentials on the pitiful £600 "allowance" he gives you? And before this, you worked and also did all the childcare/housework because he wouldn't do it? And you think you're "lucky"? Are there actually people like this, who allow themselves to be screwed over in such a way? If this is real, then it's very sad that you value yourself so little by saying you don't add anything and that it's "his" money.
You are being abused, financially and emotionally, and he is mean and selfish. If you want things to change then you'll have to assert yourself and stand up to him, without allowing him to shut you down. Or leave. Those are the options. Unless you want to stay in a marriage where you're very clearly not valued or seen as an equal partner. I'm sorry you're going through this.

Oh op. I wish you the strength to stand up to the bastard and the self worth to recognise that it’s not ‘his’ money. If he had a different wife, like me for example, he would have needed a different career as I’m not staying he so he can travel. I’m not doing all cooking and cleaning and night wakes and childcare and school drop off and weekend sports so he can focus on his career. You’ve earned half of his worth by enabling him to be that guy. You’ve earned half of his worth by being the mother and bringer up of his children.

This guy thinks about what other people think of him. Suggest you start talking. Tell the neighbour you’re too skint to take the kids out this holidays, dh doesn’t care as he’s away. Go into his office and tell him to transfer you £2k for reserves or you will start shouting that you can’t afford to cut your hair or buy the kids clothes or take them out. When he wakes up on a Saturday he’s home tell him there’s no clean clothes or cooked meals for him until he’s taken the kids out on his own and bought both of them new sneakers, trousers and a winter coat or whatever they need.

OP at least speak to a solicitor and find out what's what rather than assume. Things will sit easier in your head if you had facts rather than fears. Then you can make your plan.

Your poor kids. What a waste.

Please get yourself a job ASAP. There are women in far far worse situations than you who leave and are fine and your kids will be fine.

You would be mortgage free if you divorce! Hardly a life of poverty for your kids. Sounds like they are living a life of poverty now if their dad can’t even afford to take them out in the holidays.

Financial abuse, ‘the bank is closed’ how rude!!

How much would childcare cost for both kids? That’s the money you’re saving every month, how much for cleaning, washing, running the house? That’s also what you’re saving every month. If you went out to work he’d have to pay a fair share of that or do half the work himself. He’s getting to further his career and earning potential at your expense.

I was at home with kids for 7 years, money in the bank was (and still is) family money and I could spend what I liked (without bankrupting us of course so within reason). I didn’t have to ask for money, I used what I needed. I couldn’t live with someone begrudgingly giving me a set allowance that didn’t actually reflect what I needed.

However I’m not going to have any choice. It would be much much better and would caused much less animosity if I could not take anything from him, because the money will really really anger him.

I actually understand where you are coming from with this thought. I was raised to be self-sufficient and financially independent so the idea that I would be fighting a man, my husband and father of my children in court for 50% of what appears to be his £££ makes me feel cold inside.

However, you do need to listen to the advice that you are being given on this thread. Your children are entitled to 50% and you should fight tooth and nail on behalf of your kids.

Take your time, make a plan. Think about when will be the best time to split - 1,2,3 years time? What do you need to do to make this happen? Be smart - because I suspect that your husband will be very unpleasant and very cunning.

Good luck

I've been a SAHM for a long time. We sit down every month and look at money - DH (high earner like yours) keeps aside an amount for his spends and puts everything else into the joint. I can use it direct from there or transfer into my own account as I like. DH has never even activated his access to the joint account let alone questioned what I spend or where. All money is family money. You are not being treated well at all and your DH's attitude is terrible

This post is the reason why I’d never be a sahm. He has plenty of cash but is being tight with it and making you struggle for no reason whatsoever. Well the reason is that he likes to be in control

Yes he is financially abusing you. Either get out or go get yourself a job

Who earns 100k and lives in a 300k house? Are you sure there isn't a second house somewhere? You should take half of everything. It's what's fair. Who cares if it angers him.

Who earns 100k and lives in a 300k house?

We do . Our £295k house has 5 bedrooms, 3 reception rooms, large garden... why would we need anything more expensive?

Who earns 100k and lives in a 300k house? Are you sure there isn't a second house somewhere?

It does seem a bit odd. It must be small even if it’s in Northumberland.

Oh he sounds really horrible OP.
The FA aside, the fact that you’re scared to leave him because of how angry and spiteful he’ll be is utterly chilling.
If you can’t bring yourself to leave him for your own well-being, perhaps the idea of doing it to protect your DC might give you the strength you will need to get away.

All money is family money

All money except for his 'spends'.

It does seem a bit odd. It must be small even if it’s in Northumberland

Why?! Ours is in a nice village in the midlands. It’s not small at all!

Depends what you call small I guess. 300 doesn’t buy you much anywhere in the U.K. even in the depths of Wales.

Well as I said ours is a 5 bed, 3 reception rooms. So most certainly not a mansion but can’t see why we’d need anything bigger. We obviously could have got a much bigger mortgage but prefer the extra money for savings/holidays.
I’m not the OP though so irrelevant I guess