My husband left me walking 8 miles this night..

[Sunnyseal]

Our relationship was not amazing for the last couple of years (10 years relationship) My husband became emotionally colder, inattentive. But nothing major. I knew it's a very deep crisis we are in.. But..

We were in the unit we are renting for our little printing company. I asked him to do one thing for my university project that didn't turned out great (and I spoiled it further) and I was upset. We came there with my hope to fix it, but it didn't work out, which meant more time and materials to make second version of it. I was upset (I am also very sick now, with ear infection and sinusitis, doing quite demanding masters and drained by exams, he knows all of this). He wasn't getting it. Asked to drive me home, instead of going shopping, very calmly. He stepped back inside, crossing hands demanding explanations and obviously provoking a conflict as I told that wished he put more effort into thing that is important to me..

Our conflicts drain me a lot lately.. I fight depression, have a little bit better period now, and God knows how I want to stay at least this way.. And he also knows it too..

I wanted to chill a bit, and walked out from the court, in direction of home.. Like 30 meters? A bit more? .. I knew he will close the unit, and will go, and I will just get inside when he will go past me over.. but he even didn't look at me and zoomed by me..

Look OP if this is the first time in your life you've stormed off then the answer is the same. He doesn't care about you and the relationship is over. Once someone starts treating you with contempt, there's no way back.

This is an absolutely weird thread.

OP, we do not know where you live or where your rented office is. We do not know what it means for your H to just drive by and leave you behind after you'd argued, and you'd gone out to clear your head. But you DO know.

I would pin this person down - when you're both calm, sober, and well-slept - and ask him what he was thinking when he zoomed past in his car and left you to find your own way home. I understand he didn't know your phone battery was dying. Maybe he thought you'd walk to public transit or call a taxi, uber, lyft, etc. - or call a friend to pick you up.

But to me - you went together to go to your remote office, and it's a reasonable expectation that you would go home together. Your going out for a few minutes to cool off doesn't change that. Even if you said "leave me alone; I'll find my own way home" - if I were in your H's position, I'd still have stopped and asked you to get in the car, even if it meant we agreed to not talk at all until we got home. It just seems that you were left alone in an unsafe area, and that's not OK when the two of you went there together.

And if it's not unusual for you to spend the night out without contacting him - he certainly should not have gone to sleep not knowing where you were.

I can’t believe people are condoning his behaviour. What is going on in this world. If you knew a stranger had an 8 mile walk home in a storm you’d offer to give them a lift, never mind your wife.

I can only imagine some of these pp are too used to accepting such shit from their own partners to notice that this isn’t right.

Your not doing it at all op. He is provoking things and provoking things untill you have to option than to walk away.
Then blaming you for it and saying you chose to do that etc.

It's called gaslighting

AUTISM DOES NOT MAKE MEN BEHAVE THIS WAY

UGH

Do you think your depression would lift if you were not in this marriage?

Allbeit you would need to manage the illness and keep tabs on yourself in the future.

It sounds more like elohesra syndrome to me.

He knew my phone was dead. He admitted it. He didn't open messages, but he saw the notification and admitted he knew this.

He knew I forgot my wallet at home. He admitted he did it on purpose.
He's not a narcissist, but some time ago I noticed he turned emotionally cold to me, despite saying he doesn't want a divorce, etc. Provoking conflicts and bringing up topics we have different views on. But now coldness turned into some sort of cruelty. But what happened yesterday.. For me, it's worse than an affair for some reason..

I can say that he can be controlling, sometimes. But it's not like situations from textbooks, when you are forced to give up something, instead, he prefers when his word is last in some situations (financial, running company, even though it might easily be a bad idea, but it's his idea, and that happened ). If he doesn't like someone, he's passive-aggressive.. I was never forced to give up any friendships, but he is happier when I am isolated and belong to him.

He was very jealous when I started my master's and said that I had planned my way out and plan to find someone there (which is not true at all).

He never initiates contact with his friends, so they initiate contact first, always. I can say that he does not need a lot of people, and I was the closest person he had. But saying this, he's not autistic for sure. His understanding of emotions of others is ok. It's functional.

Are you based in the UK OP? Because we have a storm at the moment, which would have made what he did far worse, than say if you are in Australia where it's likely to be a dry and warm evening. And it means it didn't happen at 1am...

But if you are in the UK, surely you went through a village and could have pooped in a pub to call for a cab?

Either way, he was wrong to do it, but I think it does make some difference.

Popped, not pooped

Regarding control thing, I was just shrugging it off as stubbornness.

I had to persuade him that I need a driving license. Even though I have it, the car is not insured on my name anymore, for the sake of saving money, as he prefers to give me a lift to the train station and from there I am using train.

So he prefers inconvenience but to be able to stay in control.
He is not aggressive, but he is passive-aggressive and I had to explain this to him multiple times.

He was very jealous when I started my master's and said that I had planned my way out and plan to find someone there ...

Ah ... So has he ramped up the quarrelling and disagreement since you started the course? In the hope you’ll either give up or fail.

That sounds pretty evil, if so.

And not letting you drive? ...

You are married to your enemy, OP.

National Domestic Violence Helpline – 0808 2000 247

Only men matter when it comes to mental health it would seem. I don't know why you think that, I quite clearly said I drove off and left my husband miles from home and despite his depression and his physical disability I think I was totally justified. The proof being that he stopped doing it.

He was very jealous when I started my master's and said that I had planned my way out and plan to find someone there (which is not true at all)*

I think that makes him sound controlling and unsupportive. He wants to control what you do, who you meet and when etc. At best it is paranoia, at worst it is abusive.

In reality, your relationship has run it's course. I would be hard pushed to find any way of coming back from what he did this weekend, especially as he has shown no remorse at all and doesn't appear to think he even did anything wrong.

Crikey, It seems that even his own mother was horrified at what he did and didn't try to pretend the sun shone out of his arse. Some on here are though, even suggesting it might be autism!!

You are beginning to get a more reasonable posters now that you are in Relationships. The apologists for your husband may still crop up, but hopefully fewer, and you can ignore them. Listen to what you know is the good advice.

Bold fail for those first couple of lines, sorry.

Yes, UK.. This typo made me laugh thought.. Definitely I had a possibility to poop as much as I wanted there.

There are no villages close enough. There are multiple sites of units there, business centre (closed) Axx road, no phones and I saw no cabs. This site is between two towns if that makes sense.

I was lost. At some point I was truly lost. And had to admit to myself that this is the possibility not to get home safely.
Eventually I found a roundabout and used it as navigation, then the second one. I saw services that even had Starbucks, everything was closed.

I don't know if any of my decisions were irrational because of fear, confusion and shame.. But anyway.

And yes, my masters makes me more independent and this is what I was wanting to do. It will also benefit family financially. But I have a long way to go still.

I just can’t believe you were wandering on A roads at night Sunny. You could have been hit by a car in the dark.

Supposing you had never returned - he’d have the police at his door now.

Oh my god, you are married to a complete cunt. Please get him out of your life.

As for him not letting you drive even though you have a licence, that is very controlling in itself. It could be an attempt to keep you isolated and dependent on him.

Do you have access to any funds? Is there any chance of you managing to get yourself a car, in your own name? Easier said than done probably, but it would help to maintain your independence and reduce your reliance on this unreliable and passive-aggressive twat.

As someone else already suggested, could it be that life without him constantly dragging you down would at least help with your depression?

LTB
He's an abusive arse and I suspect there is a lot more to this.

I couldn't leave someone by themselves at night with no phone or money in an isolated place to walk home.

The sick part was he just went to the shops and back home to sleep. Nobody even knew she wasn't home. The MIL didn't know.

He didn't check his phone one time. It was 3 hours before she got home and not once did he seem concerned.

She was ill and frustrated with her project so she asked him just to take her home and skip the shopping. But he wanted to pick a fight about that.

The time he was at the shops he didn't bother to look at his phone or check on her at all. He didn't bother to drive back that way or anything. He got home and she wasn't back yet. He still did nothing.

Then he says he did it to punish her. What an evil sadistic bastard.

When you feel better, call and see if you can find a solicitor to talk to about divorcing this jerk.

Slight threadjack - bit having read postsb from others with family members or friends who are habitual flouncers (which OP has established that she isn't) had made me rethink my strategy with a friend who does this. I'm the one who chooses after. In future I won't. I'm not about to leave them vulnerable at the OP's partner did, but they'll get a text giving them the chance to either come back, meet me at a designated place at a specific time (I'll probably grab a coffee somewhere if it happens in town, which it usually does) or say goodbye.

Ugh. Sorry about all the typos. Hope you can decipher them. I normally "chase after.." for instance.

The aspergers comment is stupid and offensive. My husband and I both have aspergers and neither of us are abusive arses!